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The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 3:55:54 PM

sunshinemiss

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A Quiet Simple Man asked this on a different thread, and it is a good question.

quote:

Okay so lets direct this thread into a different question.

What kind of lifestyle is this when someone asks a genuine question about if it's okay to be honest with a Dom?

This implies that they got the idea that the majority of Dom's DO NOT want this, or would be upset knowing this.

What is the image we give, by our words, by the threads we comment on that give people questionable views of this lifestyle?

I look at things in an interesting way, very few people I interact with on a personal level who are involved in this lifestyle are very down to earth, most of the time you would have no idea they were involved in this lifestyle, however the people I interact with on the internet present a lifestyle image that most of the time I find over the top.

Sometimes I have to admit that I think the majority of people discussing this lifestyle online are prone to over exageration and out right lying, I just wonder where this image comes from.

Now before the flame thrower comes, it should not be said that people don't live up to the suggestions made on these forums but It just seems that the consistency of day to day interaction is not consistent with that of those I meet in person.

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 4:02:18 PM

submissivemale22

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you know, i got in trouble for saying this last week... but since you asked, the image is not good. This is specifically true as relates to M/f. It is much better for F/m relationships, but it is still not great by any means. Note- don't blame me, i was given this world, i didn't make it.

< Message edited by submissivemale22 -- 6/28/2010 4:07:23 PM >

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 4:08:50 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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The reality is that you can't go five minutes or five steps out in the kink world without tripping over someon shouting Safe Word! Red Flag! Use Common Sense! Communication!

The reality is that it is blatantly ignored because it won't get them their kink quickly and it won't get a collar slapped on them fast enough. They skip ALL the right steps, they pretend they have lost their marbles because there's only room for fantasy, and then come crying on the boards when somehow it doesn't work out.

And sadly, it IS true that many doms are completely incapable of forming a long term secure relationship with another adult, let alone one with complex authority and training dynamics. So instead they fear and shame into silence and throw down punishments like a candy jar full of hammers.

But we cannot pretend the good advice isn't out there, that good sense answers all, and that for every icky dom, you'll have a sub just dying to be taken by him.

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 4:10:26 PM

pyroaquatic

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Image? Everyone has one even if they don't want it. I've also thought of this conjecture before. It is a feedback loop. In addition to that loop there is the post count reinforcement.

I have thought I was being mellow as yellow but the jello says otherwise. Jive turkey.

If I am to be goofy it is not for your amusement. The aim is amuse my self and if you happen to witness this I am not responsible for the laughter and confusion that will ensue.

no one is a jive turkey....

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 4:15:30 PM

kiwisub12

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I think it is more likely that she is projecting her experiences "vanilla", onto her bdsm life.
At least for me, the men i dated and slept with would have been extremely upset if i critiqued their performances - and even though maybe the OP's experience wasn't overtly sexual, it was in a way , sexual. And asking for more or less or something different would be akin to suggesting they could improve their performance.

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 4:36:53 PM

juliaoceania

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The interwebs are full of liars.... why should this site vary from the rest of it?

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 4:40:32 PM

Jeffff

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And even many of the honest people are out of their fucking minds.

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 4:43:10 PM

juliaoceania

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

And even many of the honest people are out of their fucking minds.

I wasn't going to touch that one, but now that you mention it....

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 4:43:32 PM

lally2

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i havent read that thread, i saw it, i just passed. i figured thered be plenty of people responding to the OP about honesty being an important part of any relationship worth a damn.

the thing is its a typical newbie question - based i fear, entirely on the fact that newbies get hammered by asshats -

i love QSM's posts, always, i love his honesty, integrity and upfrontness, always - but there is a danger in putting everyone into the same collective when there are so many gradations from wannabes to actual, real life, genuine people who know exactly how it goes down.

being tarred by the same brush as some of those asshat wannabes is a bit harsh -

the folks who walk the walk have been walking it for long enough to know how it all works. there is a huge amount of misonception that runs along parrallel lines with what Ds and Ms actually is and how it actually works. those misonceptions become skewed.

prime example: ive just been chatting to my bloke and asking him again for the umpteenth time why my surrender is so powerful to Him when it has been me giving my surrender to Him rather than Him taking it. for a long while it has been the Dom taking my submission because that is how the general concept came across. in point of fact theres nothing wrong with that, so far as it goes. but this is where the parrallel lines get misconstrued. the overall message is right but the approach is entirely different. a sub surrenders herself to a Dominant who will then take her surrender as His, that is where the power lies and the power exchange begins. its a subtle difference when written down but it has hugely different ramifications for the two people involved.

i believe these subtleties get lost in the translations and everyones translation is always a little different, so we have a sort of chinese whispers thing going on.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 6/28/2010 4:50:32 PM >

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 4:52:56 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

So instead they fear and shame into silence

This happens a lot. I sometimes experienced this with my ex. While I do not condone dishonesty, I can understand where someone might be too afraid to speak up. It's unfortunate, but it happens.

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 4:56:48 PM

Nineveh

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I want a candy jar full of hammers

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 4:59:43 PM

marie2

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I saw the thread and didn't think it was much different than anyone else in a new relationship with something on their mind wondering whether they should bring it up or just wait and see what happens.

Unfortunately many people are afraid to say what is on their mind at times for fear of angering the other person, insulting them, offending them, pushing them away, turning them off and on and on.

It has nothing to do with the "lifestyle", really. The ds factor adds another dimension, yes, but still it all boils down to the same basics in common sense. Just like any other type of relationship. Didn't most of us learn this the hard way at one time or another?

I don't think 'we' as a collective are doing anything to lead anyone anywhere, especially since there are so many conflicting opinions. There aren't any specific rules of engagment other than the ones that work for the individuals.

< Message edited by marie2 -- 6/28/2010 5:20:28 PM >

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 5:02:30 PM

Jeffff

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And a roller dog girl shall lead them.........

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 5:25:54 PM

LadyPact

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I'm going to save Myself some time and just quote Myself from the other thread.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Big shock here, but I'm going to tell you exactly what I think.

The problem is that there's too much crap on the internet. The issue with this is it's almost impossible for somebody just starting out to know the good information from the bad. There are all of these people typing these things up (often contradictory) that it can be hard for somebody floating around through all of this stuff to know which version has the best basis in reality. That bad information honestly can have an influence and can make it more difficult to sort this stuff all out for a person. There's no real way for them to know that Person A on CM is basing what they are writing by having it reflect the way they live their life and Person B not having the life experiences to back the words up.

ETA, I think Jeffff should repost his comments from that thread as well. It was pretty good.

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 6/28/2010 5:27:13 PM >

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 5:32:55 PM

Jeffff

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At the Lady's request...:)

I think the net has opened this whole thing up to a lot more people than might otherwise have found it.

I think that is probably a good thing.

I also think there is more nonsense, pound for pound, found there than anywhere else. That is probably a bad thing.

To my mind it comes down to, if you are gonna act like a mindless ass, male or female, you are gonna get kicked around.

If you are not TOO stupid, you will survive and prosper. If not, you were probably doomed anyway.

If you leave your common sense at the door, what do you expect?

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 5:39:04 PM

juliaoceania

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

quote:

So instead they fear and shame into silence

This happens a lot. I sometimes experienced this with my ex. While I do not condone dishonesty, I can understand where someone might be too afraid to speak up. It's unfortunate, but it happens.

It happens all of the time, I recently voiced a very unpopular opinion about age difference between a senior citizen and a teenager... I had several emails from people afraid to voice their opinion on the thread because there were some well established voices here that thought I was completely wrong... I wish they would have added their opinions, it may have made for better balance and a greater variety of opinion for the person asking the question... but it is what it is....

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 5:55:22 PM

Jeffff

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I understand it can seem intimidating to post here..... SEEM.

The thought that people are actually afraid to post makes me wonder.

I have all the posts...of which maybe 500 were of any value...:)

Well of value to anyone other than me.

ALL YOU PUSSY"S UP THERE LURKING!!!!!

Come on down and post.

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 6:06:33 PM

marie2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

At the Lady's request...:)

I think the net has opened this whole thing up to a lot more people than might otherwise have found it.

I think that is probably a good thing.

I also think there is more nonsense, pound for pound, found there than anywhere else. That is probably a bad thing.

To my mind it comes down to, if you are gonna act like a mindless ass, male or female, you are gonna get kicked around.

If you are not TOO stupid, you will survive and prosper. If not, you were probably doomed anyway.

If you leave your common sense at the door, what do you expect?

Were you wearing your tiara when you gave that speech?

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 6:11:42 PM

Jeffff

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For day to day wear I go with a leopard skin pillbox hat.

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RE: The Image that is Given - 6/28/2010 6:15:31 PM

laurell3

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*coughs*

and meat flavored condoms

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