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Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/14/2006 11:47:54 PM   
masterdeltafire


Posts: 81
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline 		I know this will come off badly being a Dom of 15 years, but still something haunts me.

I have always taught trust goes both ways, and that once it is shattered, getting it back is next to impossible.

I have full confidence in my abilities and teaching, don't get me wrong on that aspect. 

The problem is this.  Eighteen months ago, my heart and my trust in girls was shattered with my second engagement, when she lied and hid another man for almost 8 full months whom she was also engaged to.  You put your trust and faith that your soulmate is loyal and faithful as you are.  Yet, every time I asked on it, I got the same reply that there was no one in her life, despite friends telling me she was cheating.  I held firm believing she was faithful, because she was  so adament on telling me she was not cheating.  So yes, it was a shock when the truth came out 8 months into an enngagement, and within a week was gone without so much as a goodbye.

To add to it all, the girl knew all too well stress was not good for my heart murmurs.  It threw me into pvc's for almost 6 weeks and took several very close friends to help me get oover the shock and pain of being hurt that badly.  Inside, i still believe it was deliberate, her playing games knowing full well it would hurt someone that badly.

Inside, I am still trying to put it behind me.  I love my girls very much,  and teaching.  They know that I still am recovering from the being hurt.  I want to trust and have faith in my girls being faithful while apart, since I teach online as well as real life.  I want to trust them without having to keep them in a chastity belt and always leashed beside me to keep them faithful.  I want to believe my collar and love means everything to them, as the lifestyle is my life and my blood.

So, I am asking this, more so on looking for others who have shared a similar experience.  How did you recover from it?  How long did it take to recover from it?   How did you learn to trust your instincts once more and rebuild from the pain?

I know this is unusual for a Dom to ask, but I just cannot shake it.  I know time heals all wounds, but at the same time, I love teaching and want that elusive soulmate that i have dreamed of since being widowed at age 18 (you would have to read journal. If you get through all 15 pages on word processor, my compliments). 

Being widowed is one thing, but inside still eighteen months after the second engagement ended, it feels worse than death on the pain to be used and hurt that badly.

Thoughts and advice welcome.  Please no flaming..  I need positive advice on how to recover and move on from this, because it is affecting my teaching and I really do not want it to. 

Thanks in advance,

Delta.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 12:03:10 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I am sure have beaten up yourself rather well... drifted in and out of self-pity... anger... hate and alot of pain.

I feel that the only way to move beyond it.... is to learn from it. and look to the future with those lessons.  Yes she did alot things wrong... that is for sure... but look what could do differently!... doesn't mean better ... Just different.  Most of all.. stop looking at the past as quickly as possible... look for your future... set goals... attainable goals.  small ones at first... learn to walk again... slowly from scraping along the ground to crawling to on your feet again.... don't forget to celebrate achievements and reward yourself... find someone or ones to confide in and talk with.... not to give advice or tell you their opinion... BUT just to listen to you and maybe ask questions... nothing more. 

remember.. you can learn to TRUST again!  Will Trust again!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to masterdeltafire)
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RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 12:32:55 AM   
masterdeltafire


Posts: 81
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you for the kind words.  And yes there was anger.  I took it out in writing, as I always have, rather than others.

And yes, I have some close friends who know everything.  I am trusting shadow right now, on something I have not  done in the past.  I am letting her both share knowledge on puppy play with a domme, and at the same time passing on all she has learned, so the Domme who is new to that aspect of the lifestyle can learn and benefit from everything she has learned. So I guess that is the first giant leap I have taken since the second engagement on building trust.

The Domme in question knows she is collared and that collar is to be respected.  As long as her restrictions are respected (no males, no collaring and trying to claim her are the two main ones), then I am willing to let her pass on the knowledge.   Really, it is a honor on that aspect.  She is the first from my kennel I have allowed to try this on a personal level. But in a way, as I said in my journal, I now know what my parents must have felt on the pacing the floors at night when I was dating long ago.  Shadow is my best student ont he puppy play, and has a voracious appetite on learning and sharing knowledge.  We will see how it goes.  If she passes this test, and keeps my trust, then I know I am on the way back. 


As for looking back, yes I learned.  There was anger at myself for believing her, and anger at her for keeping the lie as long as she did.  More so myself on being slightly angered for being played like a fiddle.   But also mad at myself for holding on and believing that she was faithful, despite everything. 

When you fall in love with someone, you expect them to be faithful.  I guess the Old Gorean in me and the romantic side is still strong.  I learned early in my career  lying and hiding things solved nothing and only hurt those who you fell in love with. When I train, I hold little to nothing back.  Although shadow can testify if she makes an account on here the claw marks ( is part Tomcat *chuckles) on being a little clingy on things.   She knows this test is needed for both herself and I to build trust.  If she passes, then I have no worries.   There of course is a lot of fear that I am going to get burned again.  But this time, I do not think it is going to happen.  So I guess I have learned to trust in myself and my girls once more. 



(in reply to KnightofMists)
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RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 12:41:38 AM   
nslut4whtmaster


Posts: 40
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		Sorry to hear about Your loss of Your ability to trust. As the other poster on this thread has said, You will learn to trust again but these things do take time. A good thing to remember although You may be a Dominant, You are still a man. You feel just as the next and can experience pain just as the next, some Dominants forget this. The person who caused You to lose Your trust is one individual do not allow this individual to cause You to miss out on the things that You want in Your life. The past is the past move on from it and learn from it but don't allow Yourself to continue to suffer. People will come into our lives, we never know how long that they will be there but while they are there learn from them enjoy the time spent with them. So it did not workout to Your liking but now You know better because of the lesson learned. Good luck to you.

peace and respect,
ns

(in reply to masterdeltafire)
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RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 2:47:59 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		i've too lost trust in others and myself.  And i've learned from it all.  Damn skippy.  What i learned was how to protect myself better.  Bad and good.  How to get past?  Dunno.

i'm learning to trust ppl through the one i am with.  i think one of the worst things done to me was having some one i was open to, take all they knew about me and using it to verbally beat me day in and day out.  Using insecurities, fears, past issues - thrown back at me to A enjoy the pain it gave me and B to use it to their advantage.   i learned fast to throw up walls and not let ppl in. Through Him, and letting him slowly but surely in, i'm seeing its not so bad.  Its not so terrible and everyone is not like that.  Coming here, talking, chatting, being open beyond belief has helped in an odd way too.  Getting postive feed back and even negative feedback has sort of showed me its okay to open up.  Baby steps = )  i baby stepped with him, and now i'm baby stepping with the rest of the world.  And its spilling over to real live ppl.  i'm not so closed off and learning that it IS okay to be me.  Even with my mother who it used to take me about 5 years to actually tell her something.  heh. 

Baby steps.  Alittle trust here and there.. nothing too deep, nothing that could harm you.  Nothing that could hurt you.  But alittle trust, which i suppose isnt trust at all.. but it can show you that it is slightly okay.  To actually giving alittle bit of trust.  Each bit you get back, will help you take another step.

Heh, i used to have a saying "ppl keep telling me to trust them and i tell them, i've borrowed all i could from the bank"

You need to find ways for it to be given back.  imo

edited cos i had a word off


< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 4/15/2006 2:50:13 AM >

(in reply to nslut4whtmaster)
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RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 3:21:11 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Baby steps.  Alittle trust here and there.. nothing too deep, nothing that could harm you.  Nothing that could hurt you.  But alittle trust, which i suppose isnt trust at all.. but it can show you that it is slightly okay.  To actually giving alittle bit of trust.  Each bit you get back, will help you take another step.


I think that's perfect advice... baby steps.

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 4:31:30 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		I wish I could give you answers, answers you'd like to hear or answers that make you feel better.  I can't.  Trust is a difficult issue.  It takes two people to create trust and unfortunately, I've been the only one doing the trusting in my past couple of relationships.  Well, they were trusting me, but they weren't upholding their end, let's say.  Anyway, sounds to me like your problem is really of a different area.  It's not just the trust issue, it's that your emotional heart (too differentiate from your physical heart problems) isn't healed from the wound it received.  You really have to start there. 

I experienced a problem like that, a few years ago.  After three years, I finally decided that things had to change.  I was depressed, I felt empty and I felt worthless.  I felt like my life would never be the same and I'd never be happy again.  This is NOT a  good way for a mom to feel, she can't do a good job of child rearing when she feels this way.  I realized that I had to make a conscious choice to be happy with my life as it is.  I did exactly that and it has worked exceedingly well.

I guess what I'm telling you is that it is up to you.  You have the power to change your outlook and to move on, you just have to make a conscious decision to do it.

Hope this is helpful.


(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 5:53:55 AM   
BrutalAntipathy


Posts: 412
Joined: 7/8/2005
Status: offline 		I see trust in a situation such as yours as similar to radiation. Exposure to a brief flash now and then probably won't kill you, but prolonged exposure is dangerous. In all seriousness, I am virtually incapable of trust within a relationship. I know all too well that the trust which takes years to establish can be shattered in an instant with devastating results. I am not proud of my inability to trust, and work to overcome it. I also make mine aware of this limitation.
 
A lockable chastity piercing produces a more comforting feeling in me than does a thousand whispered promises. It isn't trust, but it at least allows me a means with which to ascertain their sincerity.

(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 6:08:43 AM   
cuddleheart50


Posts: 9718
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		I have been hurt many times, my heart has been crushed, and yet, I keep going back for more..lol....You have to keep trying to find the one who will Not hurt you, because He/she is out there.  At least thats what I tell myself.  I'm sorry you have been hurt,  but the pain will lessen in time, and you will move on.  Good luck!

(in reply to BrutalAntipathy)
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RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 6:09:06 AM   
Smythe


Posts: 369
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: masterdeltafire

I know this will come off badly being a Dom of 15 years, but still something haunts me.

I have always taught trust goes both ways, and that once it is shattered, getting it back is next to impossible.

I have full confidence in my abilities and teaching, don't get me wrong on that aspect. 

The problem is this.  Eighteen months ago, my heart and my trust in girls was shattered...




delta, just a couple of comments.  After looking at your profile, I can see that trust is a very significant issue for you.  Of course it is for all of us, but you seem especially sensitive about this.  Regaining trust will take some time for you, perhaps more than for someone who is not quite so sensitive.  Give it time, and solidify your trust in your current girls before expanding further. If you are quite comfortable with them, the stability in those relationships may sustain you as you move forward.
 
Second, there is nothing about being a dom or master that makes you invulnerable! It is entirely reasonable for you to need support, or to be  hurting after a betrayal.  We dominants bleed just like everyone else.
 
Best to you
Smythe

_____________________________

Do not consider painful what is good for you.
Euripides

(in reply to masterdeltafire)
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RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 8:09:31 AM   
MstrFury


Posts: 77
Joined: 2/1/2006
Status: offline 		I sure wish I could somehow get to a post of interest before Knight....but what he's stated is exactly what I would have said....your life is ahead of you...your past is a reminder to reflect and learn...you will be your own guide...you walk your own paths....the best of your friends will listen and understand your pain...not tell you how you should feel and what you should do....it's all up to you....you alone have the key to the shackles that hold you to the memories of your pain....when you're ready to use it...you will....

never lose that faith in yourself and any decisions you made...learn from everything you do...

said in friendship...

_____________________________

Fury

(in reply to masterdeltafire)
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RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 8:17:23 AM   
sweetbbwsub31


Posts: 331
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline 		i am not a Domme but i know all about lack of trust. It takes time to trust again. Take it day by day. Pour all of your attention into one new addition at a time. That is the best advice i can give you.
 
Good luck. You sound like a very nice Dom and i am sorry that happened to you.

(in reply to masterdeltafire)
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RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 8:24:40 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Other than the advice you have already received, I think the first step is learning to trust yourself again.  Learn to trust your own judgment of people, events and relationships.  After I was betrayed years ago, I didn't learn to trust others until I learned to trust myself.  I had to trust myself that I was capable of making wise decisions and sound judgments.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to masterdeltafire)
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RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 11:16:18 AM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		When I look back at those who snuck under my radar and proved themselves to be untrustworthy, invariably there were signs which I chose to ignore.  I have learned to listen to the little warning bells in the back of my head.  It prevents a lot of heartbreak. 

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to masterdeltafire)
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RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 11:36:58 AM   
MasterRenegade77


Posts: 1852
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Upstate N.Y. (Broome Co.)
Status: offline
After being Crashed a few times in the past, I now subscribe to the following Principle;
Give All the Love you can, but expect "NONE" in return
and "Never" trust Your Heart or Life to anyone!!!

(in reply to catize)
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RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 12:18:53 PM   
Fawne


Posts: 462
Status: offline 		masterdeltafire: Sorry you have been hurt so badly. Please, if you possibly can, release the negativity, and I don't know how.
 
A man was my master, and I his slave - until today. I worship him.
 
He had been disapointed, hurt in the past.
He is brave, strong, experienced and very well respected. All are human.
 
 I couldn't perform all required tasks one day ( I am fairly new to D/s, not that that's an excuse), was upset about it (yes, in a silly girly way), and did not come across graciously. I think he believes I wasn't serious, or that I didn't care enough, but time, life (ie ill parent) got in the way and I felt unable to fulfill my usual rituals, as well as new orders in the time frame given and that wasn't good enough for him, I guess.
 
I have been loyal, respectful, committed. I was planning my life around him and was about to sign a very serious contract of devotion.   I failed.
 
His fear to trust, led him to withdraw. This man is loved. He can't believe it?
 
People, please paranoia won't save you. Please use your head, but do open to trust.
Ask questions. The answers may be simple, honest, and free your mind. Don't just make assumptions if you feel slighted or such.  Like they say "communication".
 
2 more hearts broken today.
 
1 broken girl, fawne
 
 

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 12:25:21 PM   
fyreredsub


Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline 		greetings,
time does and will heal all wounds and then just when you least expect it, people appear in your life and it doesn't seem to be an issue of trust anymore.things just click and you find yourself eager to get to know them, to feel again.
you still wish, dream and hope and find that these things are not lost inside of your heart and brain like they were when you were hurting.
it will feel good again to be able to place your hand in someones and know that maybe just maybe it will be safe to let go this time.
when you jump off the cliff called trust
someone will be there to catch you.
wishing you well

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to masterdeltafire)
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RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 12:39:22 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: masterdeltafire
So, I am asking this, more so on looking for others who have shared a similar experience.  How did you recover from it?  How long did it take to recover from it?   How did you learn to trust your instincts once more and rebuild from the pain?


I think these are all answers we wish we had. I know I'm in a very similar state of mind right now, having had someone I trusted, so explicitly, just up and disappear with no word of goodbye.

I think it's important to know it's not a linear healing. Some days are better than others. I have to try not to be discouraged when I have a bad day, or hear a song that reminds me all over again.

It's hard for me to reach out and let friends console me, but slowly, bit by bit, I'm doing so. In pieces. I can't bear talking about it for long, yet.

I'm a writer, as you are, and writing is definitely my path to healing.

I know, deep in my soul, that I will be whole-hearted again. Experience has taught me that time will heal.

Meanwhile, take comfort from the words you read here on the forums, and concentrate on the wonderful relationships you have in your life.

Wish I had a pill...but I don't. Hope this helped a little.

Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to masterdeltafire)
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RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 1:40:55 PM   
JoeBlack


Posts: 25
Joined: 12/2/2005
Status: offline 		It seems you trusted someone unworthy,we all do it. It hurts,but not forever.
It's not "who" you are that's important; It's "who" you are in relationship to what you experience.
The alternative,not trusting again; is a shallow and hollow existence.

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Learning to trust again, after being hurt - 4/15/2006 3:18:33 PM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		((((((((((((((Cin)))))))))))))))) glad we have each other. And to the OP it's something I too am still learning. As much as I try to laugh it off when it's brought up to me by others, inside it rips me apart. But i'm still learning to get over it. Mine was over 14 months of lies and deciet. So I know how it feels to be lied to about not only having another in their lives.... but mor than that. Chin up, and take KoM's advise on this. He and I might not always agree on things... but he's dead on with this. His advise to me when my world collasped helped me alot. Good luck to you. 

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to JoeBlack)
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