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Just a question - 11/11/2010 10:55:57 PM

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If your partner tells you that using your safeword would end all play and the relationship forever, is that coersion ?

Other things aside, either you don't live in his/her house or the deal is even if the relationship ends you are not out on the street. I don't mean that kind of coersion, I mean the other kind. The mental kind. Is that abusive ?

I don't mean "on the bus to work bi/utch" no more car, or "no more _______" in life if cohabitating. I mean the pure mental/emotional aspect of it. Threatening with absence, but more in the mindset than anything else. No finances no nuthin involved.

Like I said it is just a question, this has nothing to do with goings on or anything. We know we can have an effect on other people, and alot of times the reverse is true.

What say you ?

T

RE: Just a question - 11/11/2010 11:09:17 PM

SpiritedRadiance

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I think its abuse, manipulation and the first words out of my mouth after that conversation would be my safeword.

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RE: Just a question - 11/12/2010 12:46:36 AM

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What SR said...

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RE: Just a question - 11/12/2010 7:14:51 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance

...first words out of my mouth after that conversation would be my safeword.

And my safeword would be "Fuck you."

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RE: Just a question - 11/12/2010 7:22:02 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarklySubtle

quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance

...first words out of my mouth after that conversation would be my safeword.

And my safeword would be "Fuck you."

LOL I saw this in the scroller.. Too funny..

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RE: Just a question - 11/12/2010 7:36:57 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarklySubtle

quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance

...first words out of my mouth after that conversation would be my safeword.

And my safeword would be "Fuck you."

Said politely....I'm sure

OP, why offer a safeword if it's not safe to use it?

Is it coercion? Well, that would mean someone was using force of some kind to get the other person to comply. Telling them the relationship would be over seems like an abuse of power. Yeah, the other person has been forewarned what the outcome would be with using a safe word, but if they want to maintain the relationship they aren't really given an opition in the first place.

Too many mind games for me.

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RE: Just a question - 5/1/2011 10:57:42 PM

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Nigga please...

quote:

ORIGINAL: Termyn8or

If your partner tells you that using your safeword would end all play and the relationship forever, is that coersion ?

Other things aside, either you don't live in his/her house or the deal is even if the relationship ends you are not out on the street. I don't mean that kind of coersion, I mean the other kind. The mental kind. Is that abusive ?

I don't mean "on the bus to work bi/utch" no more car, or "no more _______" in life if cohabitating. I mean the pure mental/emotional aspect of it. Threatening with absence, but more in the mindset than anything else. No finances no nuthin involved.

Like I said it is just a question, this has nothing to do with goings on or anything. We know we can have an effect on other people, and alot of times the reverse is true.

What say you ?

T

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RE: Just a question - 5/1/2011 11:54:53 PM

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Sounds uncaring and possibly manipulative to me. Isn't the whole point of a safeword generally to allow the sub/bottom a way to voice important concerns or issues? If someone said this to me, I'd think they didn't care about my well-being. It would be a big red flag.

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RE: Just a question - 5/2/2011 12:47:54 AM

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Yes Termyn8or, to my thinking this is abuse. If one gives a safeword, then it is unfair to attach punishment or ill-effect to its use.

Be at peace
Aneka

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RE: Just a question - 5/2/2011 8:43:39 PM

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It could be, yes.

It could also be the person is trying to get them to their REAL limit. Personally, I prefer time limits to safe-words if possible. But what's best is finding a really good fit - someone who's compatible with you desires, someone who knows how to go too far but not too TOO far...but maybe occasionally does, and you allow it because you love them.

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RE: Just a question - 6/3/2011 4:31:31 PM

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I'm guessing this partner has run into playmates who tried to use the safe word to control the scene and was frustrated with it. Most people who have been doms with multiple people have run into the sub that tries to micromanage the scene. Only if a sub does this repeatedly would I give an ultimatum.

Even then, ending the relationship is a little harsh. If someone was abusing their safe word I'd say use it and the scene ends. If it was a casual play partner I may or may not just decide never to meet with them again.

Of course if the partner is a jackass who is trying to coerce you so they can ignore your limits then use the safeword and leave.

< Message edited by XenoMaster -- 6/3/2011 4:32:27 PM >

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RE: Just a question - 6/8/2011 11:11:00 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarklySubtle

quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance

...first words out of my mouth after that conversation would be my safeword.

And my safeword would be "Fuck you."

yup, this.

(in reply to DarklySubtle)

RE: Just a question - 6/10/2011 11:55:17 PM

dreamerdreaming

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If I felt that to stay safe, I had to end the relationship- I'd do it in a heartbeat.

So yeah- I'd end it immediately- without a second thought. But I wouldn't need a word. I'd just turn and leave.

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RE: Just a question - 6/26/2011 11:54:15 AM

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I'd do exactly what Sr said! My Master told the night we got together what my safe words were but he always goes over it with me each time we play incase I've forgotten!

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RE: Just a question - 6/26/2011 2:12:25 PM

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Abusive and manipulative. Whether the person is "trying" to get you to your real limit has to be discussed FIRST. No such thing as getting someone to a limit without CONSENT & SAFETY. Just plain craziness!

< Message edited by orchid77 -- 6/26/2011 2:13:05 PM >

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RE: Just a question - 7/24/2011 5:50:33 AM

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quote:

If your partner tells you that using your safeword would end all play and the relationship forever, is that coersion ?

Absolutely it is coercion or at least in the context of simply "do it my way or it's the highway" type of command. Are there exceptions?...maybe a few but not many.

I've noticed a few dominants on the boards post topics about setting limits by establishing boundaries for behavior much like is done in the workplace. The thought seems to be that what works in the the workplace can work at home too. If you know that your employer will fire you if you behave inappropriately, the thought goes, then you can control your behavior at home too if you know your relationship will end. This might work in some situations, but it too has the feel of coercion.

The problem with any of these "my way or the highway" type of commands is there is too little room for negotiation. There is a certain amount of flexibility that I think is required in any human (or cat) relationship. This is a good way to end an otherwise good relationship over something that might turn out to be rather trivial.

Assuming that both understand each other well enough so that a safe word is not being used to direct play, then maybe it would be better to end play for the day if the safe word is used rather than ending the relationship entirely. This would give both time to process why the safe word was needed, and what to do next time about the situation that caused the safe word to be used.

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RE: Just a question - 7/24/2011 6:00:40 AM

zephyroftheNorth

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance

I think its abuse, manipulation and the first words out of my mouth after that conversation would be my safeword.

I don't know about abuse. Manipulation and coercion sure but abuse is a bit strong. In answer to your question, Termy, saying that all play will stop at that time is good sense, saying it will stop forever is where the manipulation and coercion come into play.

Zeph

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RE: Just a question - 7/24/2011 8:16:33 AM

MissImmortalPain

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I have to go with....it depends. As said above if a safeword has been given , allowed, rules set, all that and then taken away. Yes I would say it is coersion. On the other hand there is a sign in my home that states "There are no safe words here. Language is a dangerous thing, get used to it" When my most loved sub came to me he had a safe word. One he had used for years. With his last domme and those before her. He was told straight off that it was not something I would hear and that if I did hear it I would not listen for any reason other then to stop what I was doing and help him pack his things to leave. Has he ever slipped and said it.....yes, twice in five years. Did it end things for us...no, but it did end what we were doing at the time so we could sit down and I could again explain to him why I do not allow such things in my home.

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RE: Just a question - 10/22/2011 5:00:19 PM

MistressLilliana

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That is abuse. The safe word is there for a reason and no one should fear to use it. What if things were going too far and you became afraid to use the safe word...people have died because they didn't use one. Even if they weren't being truthful, the relationship wouldn't really end...the thought of the possibility is there and the fear it creates is real..In my opinion, if someone can threaten such a thing they could actually carry through with it.

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RE: Just a question - 10/22/2011 11:04:08 PM

MissImmortalPain

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I really do hope this aimed at term and not me.

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