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RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/1/2006 6:03:36 PM   
LadiesBladewing


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I had to respond (briefly, I hope -- and I bet everyone here does too *chuckles*) to the issue of who provides mentorship to whom, with a little personal anecdote.

I spent 8 years in collar in House Bladewing. When I first came to the house, I came under the mentorship of a long-time servant who was NOT my trainer... the mentor's job was to help me to obtain -my- goals in service, and her success came from my evaluations of how her mentorship was helping me to get what I wanted out of the training experience.

By the time I had been there for 8 years, I knew service inside and out, trained other servants, mentored in the community, etc... Then, almost 2 years ago, I was uncollared, as the free members of the household felt that I was stagnating -- that I'd reached the point where I couldn't grow any further as a servant with them. They also offered me the chance to work my way into a leadership position in the household. I wasn't sure about whether I wanted this or not, but it seemed pretty clear that I had changed, and my perspective was open to new things -- but I was afraid that the change would be -far- too colored by my years in collar.

The very -first- thing that happened when I decided to accept the offer to explore an owner's role in the house was that I was set up with a mentor who was a free and an owner (though not in our immediate household). The reasoning was that, even though I knew a -lot- about serving, I didn't really know -anything- about the mindset of the owner, and the particular methods of management and dynamics that colored that end of the spectrum. It was an incredibly valuable experience for me. I spent 6 months with my mentor, before he turned me over to the House for in-depth training and refining of my own, personal ownership style.

I have found an incredible amount of value in every mentorship that I've undergone. I've been as careful in my selection of mentors as I have in every other relationship I've undergone, and I've never had an issue of crossed boundaries or unmet expectations. Perhaps, again, it is a matter of the need to make appropriate choices, rather than any inherent issue with mentorship itself.

Lady Zephyr

_____________________________


"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.

Bladewing Enclave

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RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/1/2006 6:22:47 PM   
MHOO314


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Well, I am sure this has been addressed already, BUT as a Mentor and a Protector for years, here are My thoughts:
 
To Me, a Mentor and a Protector are not the same things ( though on occasion they can be)--in My world if I am mentoring a female submissive, I am  Mentor and I will usually find a Dominant Protector to escort her to parties, public scenes and act as her "guardian on-line"--though I have sent more than My share of Doms on their way for inappropriate advances--
 
A Mentor--teaches, guides, answers questions--allows the submissive the oppotunity to explore in a completely safe environment--a Mentor never gets involved emotionally, sexually or intimately---and when a submissive has found their Dominant, the Mentor will stay ONLY if the Dominant agrees and there is good to be accomplished--( I currently have that scenario, a female sub and she and Master have agreed to let Me work with Her).
 
Finding a Mentor is very hard these days--so many claim, but are not---pick and choose wisely.

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Mistress Hathor


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RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/1/2006 7:05:23 PM   
mistoferin


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314 
I will usually find a Dominant Protector to escort her to parties, public scenes and act as her "guardian on-line"--though I have sent more than My share of Doms on their way for inappropriate advances-- 


MHOO314...this is not a direct response to you but to address the topic that seems to be such a rampant misconception...

I'm not trying to ruffle any feathers but I have to ask why it is that so many Dominants/Dommes and yes, even some submissives, think that we are weak, defenseless creatures who can't possibly be left to be responsible for our own safety. Why in the name of whatever you(generic you) consider holy, would anyone need an "Online guardian" when there is a perfectly good little "x" right in the corner of every screen? Why is there a perceived need that we need someone to protect us at a public venue? Why must we have another Dom/Domme to ward off inappropriate advances from other Doms/Dommes?

I'm sorry but as you can see, this subject makes my fur stand straight up. It offends me that as a group we submissives are viewed as being so utterly weak and incapable. I am a great big grown up woman and am perfectly capable of being responsible for myself. This lifestyle is for grown ups and the way that I look at it...if you can't run with the big dogs you oughta stay on the porch.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to MHOO314)
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RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/1/2006 7:21:54 PM   
MHOO314


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dear mistoferin, We do not see "you" as weak or helpless, but hon, some are new to the life, to things in the life and its nice to have someone thats safe. Think of it as asking the security guard to walk you to your car in a dark parking lot.

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 5/1/2006 7:22:50 PM >


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RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/1/2006 7:42:47 PM   
spankmepink11


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While  the word "mentor" by definition is to teach...and counsel. I believe that mentoring is most effective when done by someone who shares ones orientation.  ( would a nurse...ask a plumber to mentor them in the nursing field ?)  Experienced submissives should mentor the inexperienced...and  the same should be done amongst Dominants  ( my humble opinion).
I also agree that with the opinion that a Dominant mentoring a submissive is more along  the lines of training...than mentoring.  ( again....my opinion,) but ,  every Dominant is different in His/Her expectations of a submissive,  so being trained by a Dominant with whom one is not in a relationship with can  only be effective in giving the submissive a taste of the dynamic involved in a D/s relationship.

There are many workshops...offered by Dominants ...for Dominants....but i've not heard of any submissives offering workshops on the  finer points of submission. 

As for the role of "protector" i agree with mistoferin....being submissive does not in any way render one helpless or unable to fend for themselves.  


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RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/1/2006 7:47:49 PM   
mistoferin


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314
dear mistoferin, We do not see "you" as weak or helpless, but hon, some are new to the life, to things in the life and its nice to have someone thats safe. Think of it as asking the security guard to walk you to your car in a dark parking lot.


I'm sorry but I disagree. I was new once too and I darn sure didn't need a "protector" then either. Let's face it, this is a lovely beach we're on but there ARE some sharks in the water....the sooner you realize that and prepare for the possibility that one day you just might encounter one the better off you are going to be.

It's offensive to be lumped into a group that is thought to not have enough intelligence, common sense or instinct to be able to make good sound decisions regarding our own safety or not enough problem solving ability to be able to deal with individuals as any other mature adult. A Dominant/Domme may say that they don't feel that way...but every time that they "presume" that we are so feeble that we can't walk or talk alone, that is exactly the message that is very clearly sent.

I don't need a protector or a knight in shining armor and I don't need to be rescued from my shortcomings. If I feel uncomfortable about going into a situation alone I will find a friend. But I will not buy into the false sense of security and call them my "protector" and have the expectation that they will somehow keep me safe.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to MHOO314)
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RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/1/2006 10:50:33 PM   
IronBear


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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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I've already commented on mentoring but regarding protection goes, it will depend on the local scene and the social climate where you live.... I'm never happy at the thought of a lady heading off to ay place where she is a stranger.. It may be ok in some clibs and playparties run by well established and well credentualled paople.. How therte is also the matter of transport and parking if you drive.. Too many women and young blokes are being mugged and rapped when thwy walk alone in many large cities. I'd rather things set up to ensure their safety and it one thing a mantor should be able and willing to do either himself or herself or have organised... I meet some one at the club, I'll wait outside for them and see themn into their car too... Certainly there are preditors in the scene and those who are well known are usually known to the newbys too.... Sometimes just the presence of witnesses or a largish male is enough and in the worst case senario are able to give details to police.. Personally it saves me ringing a couple of cousins who used to opperate ermm live in Belfast in the heady days...... 

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

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RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/2/2006 3:15:04 AM   
cuddleheart50


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Just someone walking me to my car at the end of the evening would would be nice.  As for a Mentor, I have found one.  And she is submissive just as I am, and also a good friend. 

_____________________________

Dance like no one is watching,
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt
and live like it's heaven on Earth.


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RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/2/2006 5:01:47 AM   
mistoferin


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quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
regarding protection goes, it will depend on the local scene and the social climate where you live.... I'm never happy at the thought of a lady heading off to ay place where she is a stranger.. It may be ok in some clibs and playparties run by well established and well credentualled paople.. How therte is also the matter of transport and parking if you drive.. Too many women and young blokes are being mugged and rapped when thwy walk alone in many large cities. I'd rather things set up to ensure their safety and it one thing a mantor should be able and willing to do either himself or herself or have organised... I meet some one at the club, I'll wait outside for them and see themn into their car too... Certainly there are preditors in the scene and those who are well known are usually known to the newbys too.... Sometimes just the presence of witnesses or a largish male is enough and in the worst case senario are able to give details to police.. Personally it saves me ringing a couple of cousins who used to opperate ermm live in Belfast in the heady days...... 


IronBear, you know I have the utmost respect for your opinions. That said though, the point I am trying to make is actually the same as what you hit upon right here. The submissive population somehow becomes seperated from the rest of the female population at large. Why would it be more important for a submissive to need a "protector" to attend a local munch or event than it would be for them to have to one go to the grocery store or a mall...or anywhere else we need to go in life?  What about male submissives, do they need these "protectors" too? What about Dommes, surely you don't think that Dommes are better equipped to handle a predator than a submissive? Yes, you are correct, there are predators in this lifestyle....there are also predators in the parking lot of your local WalMart....and if you are unprepared on how to deal with the ones in the scene you are just as unprepared to deal with the ones at WalMart in my opinion.

My point here is that yes, if you are uncomfortable going anywhere alone...take a friend. If it is a new munch or club....find the organizers when you arrive...or even better yet, contact them BEFORE and tell them you wish to attend but would rather not come in alone. Ask one of them to walk you to your car after if you feel you need to. But DON'T buy into the fallicy that you need a "protector" or that by calling someone by that title it will somehow keep you safe.

The whole "Online Protector" thing is a completely different story and one that utterly boggles my mind. Why anyone would need to be protected from words on a screen....or why anyone would think we need to be protected by such is just sheer lunacy....at least in the adult world.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/2/2006 5:46:21 AM   
MHOO314


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erin, the one thing I failed to address is I am not an online Mentor--once started online, I move to phone conversations, journals., and real time meetings, I personally am far from online only---I also work in the dark of the night to provide safety and shelter to those many submissives who thought they were as you describe below:
 
quote:

why it is that so many Dominants/Dommes and yes, even some submissives, think that we are weak, defenseless creatures who can't possibly be left to be responsible for our own safety.

 
and made bad choices---it runs an even 50-50 submissives I rescue get in trouble from people active in their communities or subs that find One online.
 
And to answer your question--it is because humans today are basically lonely--and in our lifestyle its worse--so there is a belief that because One professes to be in it---the honesty meter registers pure--it has become a hunting ground---prey/predator. People make bad decisions.

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SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


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RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/2/2006 5:52:42 AM   
MHOO314


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Male subs need protection as well---and erin, the difference from a munch to Walmart--is when one is open to the hopes of finding a match, one misses, denies and ignores the danger signals---shopping for a heart isn't the same as shopping for running socks---just because you are secure does not mean 80% of your peers are--and yes Domme's can indeed fend off predators just as well as Doms can----we have feminine wiles--and I for One am fearless when it comes to the protection of another human.
 
And predators are not always known.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


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RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/2/2006 5:56:07 AM   
LadyHugs


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Dear cuddleheart, Mistoferin and Ms Hathor, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I am of the belief, that online protection may be fine for  "check in" value only, such as writing a pre agreed word to know an individual is safe or not, as in sending an E-mail or an instant message, call in buddy or something of that nature however, unless physically present there is no expectations of protection, even then it is limited.

No matter if dominant or submissive, hope often leads to dangers.  This is why I prefer to meet people in a public setting so everybody is safer, as I feel nobody is always and or absolutely safe.

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

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RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/2/2006 5:56:59 AM   
fastlane


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I don't need a protector or a knight in shining armor and I don't need to be rescued from my shortcomings. If I feel uncomfortable about going into a situation alone I will find a friend. But I will not buy into the false sense of security and call them my "protector" and have the expectation that they will somehow keep me safe.   Mistoferin

Damn, no wonder I'm in the unemployment line!
A Knight in Shining Armor, Kevin



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Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

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RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/2/2006 6:43:23 AM   
mistoferin


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314
Male subs need protection as well---and erin, the difference from a munch to Walmart--is when one is open to the hopes of finding a match, one misses, denies and ignores the danger signals---shopping for a heart isn't the same as shopping for running socks---just because you are secure does not mean 80% of your peers are--and yes Domme's can indeed fend off predators just as well as Doms can----we have feminine wiles--and I for One am fearless when it comes to the protection of another human.
 
And predators are not always known.


I do hope that everyone following this understands that my comments here are not personal to anyone here and it is the issues and comments being raised here that I contest.

That said, you can take this as coming from a submissive with 28 years of real time interaction and experience in this lifestyle...or you can take it as coming from a woman with 43 years of real time interaction and experience in the real world....personally I think the latter is of more significance.

If there is a difference between WalMart and a munch because the heart is at play...then how on earth do all of those vanilla women manage to survive without a Dominant/Domme "protector" when they head out to their local club or singles dance in hopes of meeting someone?

There are predators in every walk of life and if you want to do a service to submissives it is my suggestion to do whatever is within your power to make them understand that they are adults just like every one of us...and adults need to be responsible for themselves. Don't feed into this false sense of security by suggesting or adopting the title of "protector". People....ALL..... people need to learn skills to survive in the real world...regardless of their orientation or proclivities. To tell them anything less is a dis-service.

Mistress Hathor, you cited that 80% of my peers may not be as secure as myself. I will give you that...actually I think your estimate is a low one. But I would also assert that the same numbers of people walking through life from every angle are not as secure as they SHOULD be. You said that Domme's can fend off predators as well as Doms...I would suggest to you that submissives could do as well for themselves...especially if Dominants and Dommes that they look up to stop telling them that they are incapable.

It's a great big world and there are predators in every walk of it. I know...I've had my fair share of run ins with them. I have walked away a survivor of them because I have made the effort to learn how to keep myself safe. That does not mean that one won't become a victim to one...it only ups your odds of walking away breathing.

Your munch/WalMart analogy made me bristle because I have been attacked in the parking lot of a shopping center...in the middle of the day...in a good area. That man got exactly what he was after and I am thankful to have walked away with my life...but I did so because I developed the skills that are necessary to size up one's opponent. One look in his eyes told me exactly what I was dealing with and exactly the steps I needed to take to walk away. I was also attacked at gas station....that attacker walked away with nothing more than a severely broken nose...because I had the skill to assess that opponent as well. Oddly enough, as often as I attend lifestyle functions I have never been attacked at one. Sure, I have had the off color comment or unwanted, pushy advance....but as an adult woman I have the skill to deal with those too.

The message that submissives should be getting from Dominants/Dommes and other submissives is that it is of utmost importance to learn the skills that are necessary for ALL people to make it through life as safely as possible....and that it is THEIR responsibility to themselves to do so. The message that needs to be sent to them is that by not developing the necessary life skills they are setting themself up to volunteer to be someone's victim. The message that needs to STOP being sent to them is that because of their submission it somehow makes them more weak and vulnerable than the rest of the population at large. We ALL need to learn to swim before venturing into the deep end of the pool and Dominants/Dommes don't make any better swimmers than submissives.

It is only when people, regardless of their station, stop buying into the concept that submissives are somehow less capable human beings that this pervasive myth will stop.


_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/2/2006 6:47:10 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314
dear mistoferin, We do not see "you" as weak or helpless, but hon, some are new to the life, to things in the life and its nice to have someone thats safe. Think of it as asking the security guard to walk you to your car in a dark parking lot.

Which means basically "We're not saying subs can't take care of themselves...except when they can't."

The fact is that a lot of people like to TALK about subs being strong, independent people who can do just fine on their own...but the reality is that most (subs AND doms) don't actually think or act like that.

And of course plenty of subs ARE weak and unable to use any wit of good judgement for themselves.  Which of course compounds the problem when they somehow think they can make a good choice in who their protector is.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/2/2006 7:29:43 AM   
valeca


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quote:

ORIGINAL: spankmepink11

While  the word "mentor" by definition is to teach...and counsel. I believe that mentoring is most effective when done by someone who shares ones orientation.  ( would a nurse...ask a plumber to mentor them in the nursing field ?)  Experienced submissives should mentor the inexperienced...and  the same should be done amongst Dominants  ( my humble opinion).
I also agree that with the opinion that a Dominant mentoring a submissive is more along  the lines of training...than mentoring.  ( again....my opinion,) but ,  every Dominant is different in His/Her expectations of a submissive,  so being trained by a Dominant with whom one is not in a relationship with can  only be effective in giving the submissive a taste of the dynamic involved in a D/s relationship.

There are many workshops...offered by Dominants ...for Dominants....but i've not heard of any submissives offering workshops on the  finer points of submission. 

As for the role of "protector" i agree with mistoferin....being submissive does not in any way render one helpless or unable to fend for themselves.  




As I was getting ready to post my own thoughts, I came across this post.  Took the words right out of my mouth, spankmepink!

I've never felt the need for a Mentor myself, and with the years of experience I have now, I can't see me ever seeking one.  But, I think were I ever to look, I would look for one of my own orientation...one who can relate to the same mental/physical side of the coin as myself.  If I want to know 'how the other half lives', or what a Dominant's perspective is on a situation, I'll ask Dominant friends...and more than one...to get a variety of answers.

The Protector thing...wouldn't happen for me.  The only ones I've had the experience of knowing who claimed the title have had puffed up ego's about their prowess/ability/wisdom and often displayed great amounts of jealousy when approached about someone under their 'protection'--unless, of course, it was to compliment the submissive, in which case, the 'Protector' took full credit as if the submissive in question hadn't had a thing to do with her own behavior (and were often derisive of the girl as well..."She couldn't have done it without Me!"). 

It all seemed a little silly to me. I'm an adult, I don't need protection when I can use my mind and make informed desicions about people, places or things.  If I make the wrong choice, so be it.  It happens and I take responsibility for it when it does.

For the record, I don't look at escorting a female to her car at night (or other similar things) in the same light.  For myself, that equates to being a gentleman...or safety in numbers, and has nothing to do with the BDSM dynamic as a submissive male can just as easily escort someone to their car as a Dominant can.  For that matter, a group of the frilliest, girly-girls can escort me to my car at night and I'd feel just as safe.

_____________________________

~valeca, Owned and Operated by Loraith.

(in reply to spankmepink11)
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RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/2/2006 8:36:57 AM   
mistoferin


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quote:

ORIGINAL: valeca
The Protector thing...wouldn't happen for me.  The only ones I've had the experience of knowing who claimed the title have had puffed up ego's about their prowess/ability/wisdom and often displayed great amounts of jealousy when approached about someone under their 'protection'--unless, of course, it was to compliment the submissive, in which case, the 'Protector' took full credit as if the submissive in question hadn't had a thing to do with her own behavior (and were often derisive of the girl as well..."She couldn't have done it without Me!"). 

It all seemed a little silly to me. I'm an adult, I don't need protection when I can use my mind and make informed desicions about people, places or things.  If I make the wrong choice, so be it.  It happens and I take responsibility for it when it does.

For the record, I don't look at escorting a female to her car at night (or other similar things) in the same light.  For myself, that equates to being a gentleman...or safety in numbers, and has nothing to do with the BDSM dynamic as a submissive male can just as easily escort someone to their car as a Dominant can.  For that matter, a group of the frilliest, girly-girls can escort me to my car at night and I'd feel just as safe.


Thanks valeca, I was beginning to think I was alone in this raft.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to valeca)
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RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/2/2006 11:54:56 AM   
CreativeDominant


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In reading valeca's, mistoferin, and spankmepink's posts, it is nice to see that there are submissives whose thoughts along the lines of "mentors" and "protectors" follow my own (see my earlier post).

Escorting a submissive to her car is the gentlemanly thing to do...you do not have to be a protector to do that...you have to be a gentleman.  Yes, there are people in the scene who are dangerous...that's different from the real world...how?  If you do not know how to handle yourself in an adult situation, even a more highly-charged situation such as attendance at a BDSM club, then take a friend (male or female).  Perhaps though, you'd do well to learn a bit more about how to handle yourself in adult situations...maybe even ask yourself if you're ready to be in this very adult universe that is ours.

I've already said my piece about mentors and won't repeat it (aren't you lucky? )

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/2/2006 12:07:05 PM   
IronBear


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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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Hi erin lass,

yep we're looking at the same thing.. I guess with me it's a tad personal seeing my former  profession (the bodyguard part).. Neets could tell you the times even with a couple of folks with us, i always walk behind so I have every one covered. Going to lifestyle functions including the club, I'm unarmed as a matter of course, but if I have to collect Neets from a baby sitting job and cant get the car close in a well lit area, bet your bottom dollar I'm carrying.. If I can't go I have a few lads who will collest her safely or even tail her home to make sure the ijits don't try anything.... I know we've been talking about sub/slaves and probably thinking more in the females but I agree even more so with the male sub/slaves.. There are some who would target them deliberately.


_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Mentor and Protector - 5/2/2006 12:39:03 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
Thank you for the nod and in return I would like to say that it is very nice to hear from some who believe that we are not all fragile flowers that are "life incompetent". There is a huge difference between being "gentlemanly" or being "protective" to those who are in your presence than to seek out or accept the title of "protector" because you are under the impression that without one we can't function.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 80
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