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Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 5:40:53 PM

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I've been coming here a few months, looking into the BDSM lifestyle about a year. When I first saw how active the forum was, I was thrilled, as comparing it to FetLife and other sites.

I read alot, asked some bonehead questions, contributed to postings, good, bad or indifferent, listened and took advice, took my punches when they were deserved and when they weren't.

But is this a group or a public forum?

I see newcomers get blasted for things in their profiles with postings that are 20 times worse than the things said in the profile. I see intolerance, sarcasm, people being ganged up on, people saying the same thing over and over and over again, like it will never end. I see threads getting derailed that I would have liked to have read more opinions on.(I expect this one to get derailed...lol)

I'm actually saddened this is about all I can take away from this. Yes, there are the good threads with great wisdom and insight, but they get buried in the BS in the paragraph above. In a lifestyle that should scream tolerance, I'm not seeing alot of it here. If you don't fit with a certain clic of people, you might as well not exist, unless you word something incorrectly, then they are on you like lions.

Is this a public forum or is this a group with specific outlooks regarding the BDSM lifestyle?

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RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 6:33:43 PM

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Human beings can amaze with their complexities and subtle nuances, their personality quirks and witticisms. Every one of em are different, coming to the table with their own takes on life and social interactions. Put them on a forum however and all the ugliness can seep out of the woodwork. Kink has its niche and true this one can get a bit rough at times, but its actually one of the tamer forums I've seen. I have seen actual physical property damage meted out over arguments started in 4chan. I wouldn't let other people's opinions, sarcasms, and general misadventures get to you. Life has way too much crap to throw at you to sweat the small stuff. All a little High School for me, but then again I am easily amused

(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 6:36:04 PM

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Why would you imagine that this is different than any other group of people with very little in common?

Some people are very upset when they read a profile that blasts animal owners, and they blast the person who wrote it. Maybe that person wrote posts that are much nastier but for whatever reason the other nastiness doesn't bother the person who blasts them, however being anti pets does bother them.

Obviously what is 'much worse' varies from person to person. And so does tolerance for all kinds of things. Just like with any other group of people.

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RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 6:41:39 PM

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quote:

In a lifestyle that should scream tolerance, I'm not seeing alot of it here.

Where are the unicorns and rainbows? People are people....the lifestyle doesn't make 'em special or more tolerant.

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(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 6:53:26 PM

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AnnieZZ,
I have been on here a little over 5 years in the forums. From my point of view this seems to be a much rougher crowd than it used to be. I do see the trend when a guy asks about fetish and it can be anything from CBT, facesitting, anal, boot lick etc, he gets immeadiately blasted for wanting sex and classified as a Do me sub. I know in reality many of these people have little to no experience in the lifestyle and are simply seeking information. Thank you for reminding me that I was not always in the know :) And that we should practice more tolarence!

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RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 7:04:02 PM

NocturnalStalker

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

I've been coming here a few months, looking into the BDSM lifestyle about a year. When I first saw how active the forum was, I was thrilled, as comparing it to FetLife and other sites.

I read alot, asked some bonehead questions, contributed to postings, good, bad or indifferent, listened and took advice, took my punches when they were deserved and when they weren't.

But is this a group or a public forum?

I see newcomers get blasted for things in their profiles with postings that are 20 times worse than the things said in the profile. I see intolerance, sarcasm, people being ganged up on, people saying the same thing over and over and over again, like it will never end. I see threads getting derailed that I would have liked to have read more opinions on.(I expect this one to get derailed...lol)

I'm actually saddened this is about all I can take away from this. Yes, there are the good threads with great wisdom and insight, but they get buried in the BS in the paragraph above. In a lifestyle that should scream tolerance, I'm not seeing alot of it here. If you don't fit with a certain clic of people, you might as well not exist, unless you word something incorrectly, then they are on you like lions.

Is this a public forum or is this a group with specific outlooks regarding the BDSM lifestyle?

Frequenting many message boards, you have your hierarchies of power. You'll notice long-time users have their word taken as the Lord's truth. At times people bring up something amusing or provide a good read, or you have a silly argument that usually builds up to name-calling which is downright hilarious to me when you consider the age groups involved.

I'm new or at least I consider myself anyways, so my personal response in the here and now is that it operates like any other forum. Let me explain:

You post something good, we tell you something you might like.

You post bullshit, and we insult you.

(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 7:09:55 PM

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The only things I take seriously are things that I can physically touch, people and their opinions included.
Otherwise, I don't give this place or any online "community" a second thought other than maybe a chuckle.
As for being more tolerant...why? Why does the fact that I like to get tied up and beat mean I will be more tolerant of an idiot?

sp edit.

< Message edited by Aileen1968 -- 1/4/2011 7:10:28 PM >

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RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 7:12:16 PM

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It never ceases to amaze me how most people truly believe that everyone should think exactly like THEY do.

Very few open minds. Precious little acceptance of the differences of others..

It's sad really.

Fact is, if everybody thought the same. Nothing new would ever be thought of or invented..

What a boring and pathetic world that would be.

(in reply to mummyman321)

RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 7:12:55 PM

NocturnalStalker

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With all due respect, being tied and abused willingly could be viewed by others as idiotic too. :p

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RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 7:15:23 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker

With all due respect, being tied and abused willingly could be viewed by others as idiotic too. :p

Absolutely it could. The point is, I'm not going to lose any sleep because someone may think that.

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RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 7:16:12 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

The only things I take seriously are things that I can physically touch, people and their opinions included.
Otherwise, I don't give this place or any online "community" a second thought other than maybe a chuckle.
As for being more tolerant...why? Why does the fact that I like to get tied up and beat mean I will be more tolerant of an idiot?

If it weren't for stupid people. You'd have no basis for considering yourself smart..

(in reply to Aileen1968)

RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 7:18:51 PM

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Thank God for em....

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RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 7:19:22 PM

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One of the things I found tragic when I first got involved in the online BDSM community was how intolerant these supposedly tolerant people were. I am glad that the real life community around here is far more tolerant than much of the online community (at least those sections of the real life community I have interacted with).

I think much of the problem is the same with any other internet communication medium. Anonymity breeds assholes.

(in reply to NocturnalStalker)

RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 7:26:20 PM

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annie,

When I first got here things were pretty much the same. When I see people being treated harshly I try to offer something different.

There tends to be a lot of impatience with newcomers. People often mistake ignorance with stupidity but it won't become an issue until the new person becomes rude back.

We hear that you will get back what you put out and that is often true ... except for the ignorant question, profiler author or someone who just doesn't understand how a real relationship or D/s dynamic works. They get corrected and take it personally...then often feel humiliated and lash back.
Of course some people do just start threads to provoke.

If you don't like the other option, then offer something different.

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(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 7:28:49 PM

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In other words, just because somebody wants to do anything they like in the name of "kink" it's supposed to be tolerated? Everything a person says has to be accepted because they have an interest in wiitwd?

Sorry. No to both.

To be very specific, this is an internet message board. It is not a 'group'. Every person who signs up here should not have some kind of daydream that, just because they belong to the same site, that everybody is suddenly their friend. If they are going to make a fool of themselves by doing things they would never do in a group where they would be looking at the faces of other people, rather than a computer screen, they are going to get called on it.

See, in 'groups' people don't walk up to random strangers and begin a conversation by being crude and start describing the things they want to shove up their ass or shove their dick in your face. They don't walk up to people and the first thing out of their mouth is that they want to cheat on their spouse. A guy walking up to a woman in a bar telling her the sexual things he wants her to do to him would get him told off at best, slapped in the face, or the cops called on him.

There are actually some things written on this site so folks won't make these kinds of mistakes when they come here. The FAQ section on the Mistress board is quite good. Over the years, the Mods have put up guidelines for each of the sections to encourage folks to use the forums as they were intended. There's a very good help section here, that recommends that folks read profiles, use the search function, don't resurrect old threads, etc. All of this info is provided for people to use. If it was used more often, people wouldn't act on the forums like they would at some kind of kegger at a frat.

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(in reply to mummyman321)

RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 7:43:46 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

I'm actually saddened this is about all I can take away from this.

You can take from this what you will. I personally have found these forums to contain a wealth of information and people willing to help those who genuinely and respectfully ask for it.

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Nichts ist unmöglich

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RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 7:55:42 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

I see newcomers get blasted for things in their profiles with postings that are 20 times worse than the things said in the profile. I see intolerance, sarcasm, people being ganged up on, people saying the same thing over and over and over again, like it will never end.

This is not a safe space area. There are many safe space BDSM groups and forums. But this isn't one of them. I got my start and had no problems. Yeah I took some shit but it really never bothered me.

You also have to look at the other side of things - those newcomers aren't all sweet little angels. There is plenty of interolerance and rudeness coming from them to others. So I don't see a point in always wrapping them up in cotton. Granted, there are some people here where I wonder exactly why they say what the say.

However, this is a group of people. And all the people on this site are over 18. They aren't children. They should know that in group of people there are sweethearts and assholes. And how to deal with both, be it ignore, fight back or find a safe space community.

quote:

I see threads getting derailed that I would have liked to have read more opinions on.(I expect this one to get derailed...lol)

Honestly, I don't see where you get to complain about this one. If you want discussions that won't get off track you need a setting similar to a classroom with someone in charge to keep things specific. These are easily found at a variety of lifestyle functions. Though they usually aren't free.

These forums do offer a wealth of opinions on nearly any given topic. They just require more effort to sort through previous threads or continuing to ask different questions on the same topic.

quote:

I'm actually saddened this is about all I can take away from this. Yes, there are the good threads with great wisdom and insight, but they get buried in the BS in the paragraph above. In a lifestyle that should scream tolerance, I'm not seeing alot of it here.

I really don't see why our lifestyle should scream tolerance more than any other.

quote:

If you don't fit with a certain clic of people, you might as well not exist, unless you word something incorrectly, then they are on you like lions.

While I'm sorry you have that opinion, I seem to recall that your own temper is quite... interesting.

Have you considered that people are responding to how you have to spoken to them and others? This isn't a group of strangers. I've been here for five years and met some of these wonderful people in person. I call them with varying degrees of frequency. If I see someone attack someone I know to be a kind person, I will judge them.

quote:

Is this a public forum or is this a group with specific outlooks regarding the BDSM lifestyle?

There are too many people walking too many different paths for this to be a group with specific outlooks. IMHO - it's a collection of people brought together by common interests. I tend to think of it as a bit like a party or a munch.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 8:22:10 PM

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When i first came to the forums, i was appalled by people's behavior. i thought that posters were often unnecessarily rude. i thought they seemed far too anxious to take (and give) offense. i resented people's tendency towards personal attacks and emotional rants, often at the expense of any kind of rational dialogue.

i resented the hijacks, the narrowmindedness, the pressure to conform, the fact that anyone expressing a "different" view will probably get run through the gauntlet, the fact that certain posts seem to receive attention and respect while other equally intelligent ones are ignored, the tendency to respond to what someone said without even actually reading it, etc.

Those things bothered me at first, and sometimes they still do. i wish things were different. i wish everybody were mature, openminded, and fair.

However, i've learned not to expect people here to behave any better than anyone else would. It's real life. People aren't more tolerant or kind simply because they are kinky. And it is downright unrealistic to expect them to be.

Look, the stuff on your list bugs me too, because i'm a fucking idealist, and i see the world for what it should be, not what it is. i wish things were perfect. Yes, fuck me, i do. And i will probably go on wishing that till the day i die.

When i see newcomers get blasted, i try to warn them that that's just how things are around here, so that they know not to take it personally. So that they don't think that people are just out to get them. Because i honestly don't think that that's what's happening- very few people here are "out to get" anyone. It's just that collarme is a group of outspoken and (let's face it) sometimes high strung and emotionally charged people, who like nothing better than to give their opinions. Which, as this is a forum, they have every right to do.

i wish that everyone posted as some posters do (DarkSteven and LadyPact come to mind)- fair and balanced, thoughtful and rational. i greatly appreciate those posters who speak to the issues instead of getting all worked up and going on a rampage. But i have come to accept that it doesn't always happen around here.

Still, i think there is value in the debate. Certain posts have more wisdom than others, but almost every response contains some insight, a point of view that is valid and interesting, something to take away from it, something to be learned about how another human being thinks. If you can just ignore the drama long enough to see it. (Even the trolling posts have SOME value- they contribute to our amusement!!!)

To answer the question- it is a public forum, not a group of fellow supporters. i come here because i enjoy the debate, i enjoy expressing myself, i enjoy hearing other people's opinions- and NOT because i expect to make friends or have others agree with me. Furthermore, i believe the overwhelming majority of responses are fair, if not always patient or kind.

pam

< Message edited by gungadin09 -- 1/4/2011 9:13:44 PM >

(in reply to anniezz338)

RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 8:38:48 PM

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I came to Collarme being brand new to the scene and still unsure of myself. I was extremely new to this on any number of levels. Yet, my experience has been that Collarme is the most friendly, helpful corner of the online BDSM scene I know, and the one most open to diverse viewpoints on a number of subjects.

For me, the Collarme forums were my oasis of sanity in an online world that had begun making me question mine. As Lady Pact's post points out, many people online act in ways they just never would in real life, and my thoughts on arriving to Collarme were "Wow, BDSM-types who are able to talk like normal people and hold an intelligent conversation."

Does that mean I like, agree, or even respect all of the regular posters? No, not at all. But it's certainly the best online place to discuss the subjects that bring us here.

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RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/4/2011 9:04:33 PM

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quote:

Look, the stuff on your list bugs me too, because i'm a fucking idealist, and i see the world for what it should be, not what it is. i wish things were perfect. Yes, fuck me, i do. And i will probably go on wishing that till the day i die.

Brilliant...

Yes Virginia assholes DO exist.. As well as trolls, opinionated people, intolerance AND all important self righteous bastards.. You don't have to like it. It just happens to be the world we all live in.

(in reply to gungadin09)

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