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RE: self-destructive subs - 4/9/2011 3:50:41 PM

Posts: 66
Joined: 1/8/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subbykat

I understand. I've always been very easily manipulated by others and unassertive.

Many are, but remember you can stop this. You will need to acquire help etc. The reality though is you are getting something out of this, and until you begin to dislike what we get out of it, you wont make the changes. Many people imho are addicted to being a victim or marytr.

(in reply to subbykat)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/9/2011 4:13:03 PM

Posts: 33
Joined: 7/24/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subbykat

I don't know how else to live...He's the only family I've had for the past 5 years...

I understand. I've always been very easily manipulated by others and unassertive.

I've been called a martyr many times before...I know what you mean. I need to find a way to nip it in the bud before I cycle down into those behaviors. They were learned as a kid.

Three problems with one solution:

Counseling.

Here is a link to the RAINN website's tool to find local counseling centers in your area:

http://centers.rainn.org/

These are almost always free and you are entitled to counseling at them. First of all you've described being in an emotionally abusive relationship. Secondly it sounds as though you've experienced or witness some kind of abuse in childhood. And as a result of any and all of these qualifying factors (or just a desire to live better) you are welcome to free counseling.

You have a choice on how you live and behave. And you don't have to find solutions all on your own. RAINN also has a hotline and online chat hotline that you are welcome to use and speak to a counselor completely for free 24/7.

(in reply to subbykat)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/9/2011 5:20:57 PM

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subbykat

I punish myself, because I'm not living up to my end of the bargain in the relationship. My Master and I are in a long-distance relationship, in which he wants me to train other subs, for him and I (his primary sub). It sounds great to me, but I'm painfully shy and kind of afraid of making a step to make anything happen

So, he tells me in that case he will train some subs where he is and I can come and visit, but not as his primary girlfriend...

I had to scroll back thru to see which parts you said, and which were posts from others. I was about to tell you that as long as you tied your self-worth to someone else, you were never going to be truly happy with yourself.

That may still be true for you, but it looks like the real issue is, you aren't procuring the girls for him that he wants, so he says "fine, you're not my girlfriend anymore, you'll be my fuckbuddy". But isn't that what you are anyway? You're in a relationship where you're supposed to find girls for him... so say you find a girl for him that lives in his town... did you really expect, going into this, that you would stay in the number-one-girl spot if that happened??? Is this the kind of relationship you want?

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to subbykat)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/9/2011 6:01:17 PM

Posts: 115
Joined: 4/9/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbykat

I punish myself, because I'm not living up to my end of the bargain in the relationship. My Master and I are in a long-distance relationship, in which he wants me to train other subs, for him and I (his primary sub). It sounds great to me, but I'm painfully shy and kind of afraid of making a step to make anything happen

So, he tells me in that case he will train some subs where he is and I can come and visit, but not as his primary girlfriend...

I had to scroll back thru to see which parts you said, and which were posts from others. I was about to tell you that as long as you tied your self-worth to someone else, you were never going to be truly happy with yourself.

That may still be true for you, but it looks like the real issue is, you aren't procuring the girls for him that he wants, so he says "fine, you're not my girlfriend anymore, you'll be my fuckbuddy". But isn't that what you are anyway? You're in a relationship where you're supposed to find girls for him... so say you find a girl for him that lives in his town... did you really expect, going into this, that you would stay in the number-one-girl spot if that happened??? Is this the kind of relationship you want?

Cali

Hi Cali,
I did know going into this arrangement it would be like this. He made it perfectly clear to me that he is a polygamist and he wants women who are bisexual. I told him it is what I wanted too. There were no big secrets about it. I struggle with it now, because i never knew it would bring out a so many insecurities in me...

< Message edited by subbykat -- 4/9/2011 6:03:56 PM >

(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/9/2011 6:09:36 PM

Posts: 191
Joined: 9/30/2010
Status: offline

Sorry, going to have to give my two cents here -fast reply-

Suicidal thoughts might be one of those things you should seek professional help on. No, I'm not kidding. Go talk to someone qualified.

Furthermore, a relationship (even a normal one) wherein one partner ignores the other, or routinely threatens to break it off... I'm sorry, but I don't expect that to work out in the long run for most normal people.

(in reply to subbykat)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/9/2011 6:26:05 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subbykat

Hi Cali,
I did know going into this arrangement it would be like this. He made it perfectly clear to me that he is a polygamist and he wants women who are bisexual. I told him it is what I wanted too. There were no big secrets about it. I struggle with it now, because i never knew it would bring out a so many insecurities in me...

Put it down to growth. You're new to relationships and in finding out what works for you.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to subbykat)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/9/2011 7:02:03 PM

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Joined: 8/3/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Put it down to growth. You're new to relationships and in finding out what works for you.

Yup. Sometimes we think we want something but it doesn't turn out the way we think it will. Life is like that. If it's something you tried and it didn't do good things for you, then I'd feel ok about telling your man that it's not something you can do. You gave it an honest try, it's not for everyone. If there is a constant in the human race it's that we're all different.

Life is too short to waste on things that don't do good things for us. This should be enjoyable and fun, if you're not enjoying the ride I'd consider changing some things up.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/9/2011 8:52:45 PM

Kana

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Joined: 10/24/2006
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Speaking strictly from the perspective of a TPE,:
1-It's not her business to punish herself. That's mine. If she punishes herself, then she is, in essence, de facto damaging my property, which won't make me happy.
2-If I want her to suffer I inflict a punishment I see fit. To add something or to do more is to overstep her boundaries and questioning/disregarding either my authority, or my judgment, or both. Again, neither is going to make me happy.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Killerangel)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/9/2011 10:12:07 PM

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Joined: 3/6/2011
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I would say that strong reactions to displeasing your Master are normal but what is not normal is feeling suicidal because of it. It seems you are really struggling with the relationship but if your Master truly cared about you surely He would be willing to let you find your comfort level with Him before expecting you to do things so far outside of your character? I can only speak from my experience but when I express through tears or insecurity that I am scared of something Master expects or desires of me He has always found a way to make it work for both of us. Not just, "You're my slave, suck it up and do what I say" but making me see that there is nothing to feel badly about or scared of and then taking it one slow step at a time from there. Time isn't a valid point here either. If you don't feel alright with something it doesn't matter if the relationship is ten months or ten years old. The well-being of both people is of primary concern either way. If you don't have that sort of relationship maybe you should ask yourself why not? You deserve to have someone who is attentive to your emotional needs and sensitive to your well-being. Perhaps working on your own sense of self-worth and then finding a man who will treat you like a valuable person in His life not just a tool would be a good idea. If you just can't make the step to finding someone more suited to you then at least seek counseling for the damaging and dangerous feelings you are having.

_____________________________

"The path to slavery is so narrow that two cannot walk upon it at the same time, hence why the slave must crawl behind." -- Unknown

(in reply to Kana)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/10/2011 2:26:33 AM

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbykat

I punish myself, because I'm not living up to my end of the bargain in the relationship. Is he living up to his end? Is he the Master you agreed he would be? Is he nurturing and supporting you, as well as all the other 'fun' stuff? Or is he being unkind and manipulative and deliberately making you unhappy because he is unable to be the Master you deserve?

My Master and I are in a long-distance relationship, in which he wants me to train other subs, for him and I (his primary sub). It sounds great to me, but I'm painfully shy and kind of afraid of making a step to make anything happen. If you are shy and afraid of doing this, then I'm thinking you're deluding yourself that you this 'sounds great'. And I'm a bit confused about you being the one to train other subs - isn't HE the Master here?

So, he tells me in that case he will train some subs where he is and I can come and visit, but not as his primary girlfriend...Manipulative behaviour designed to make you feel bad about yourself is not particularly masterful, IMO. If he is capable of finding women near his home, why hasn't he done so? Why are YOU expected to find them for him? Or is he planning on a stable of long-distance subs that never (or rarely) ever get to meet him?

I'm sorry to have to be blunt here subbykat, but this guy is not right for you. It's not what you say (although that would set alarm bells ringing for me), but how you say it. You're unhappy, the relationship is damaging to your self-esteem and your emotional health, and the whole poly thing does not sound like something you are ready to deal with in r/l, although it sounded fine while it was just a fantasy.

I would echo others on here - get yourself some counselling, figure out that there is life beyond this guy you have now. Sometimes it's easier to stick with what you have because you don't think you can get anything better. Trust me, you can and you will.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to subbykat)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/10/2011 10:15:50 AM

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Joined: 1/12/2009
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Subbycat,

You sound just like I was about 2 years ago but it was with my vanilla husband (who is now my ex). He ignored me when he was upset with me, 10 years of marriage and threats of leaving 5 times brought me to suicidal thoughts and a trip to the hospital though I left. I found myself a great therapist and had an eye-awakening dream where I came to myself and told myself to end it before it was too late. That was the day I set the plans of divorce in motion. I feel so much more alive! I have a Master I respect and feel safe with! I no longer have the suicidal thoughts or anxiety I had! I don't put myself down anymore because it was and is not my problem but his. Find a therapist, try medication and I guarentee you will start feeling better about yourself. I'm still not very assertive and that is ok. I still have self doubts but that is ok, too. I take those doubts of mine and relate them to Master and he will give me advice whereas if I had told my ex he would have put me down and started the cycle all over again. You don't need that type of person in your life! For the past 10 years I have never felt as alive as I do today!

(in reply to myotherself)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/10/2011 10:39:18 AM

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Yeah, Carol calls it "the pity card". It goes something like this:

"I know I've done something wrong and so I'll engage in vast fits of self-flagellation hoping to gain the sympathy of my master in order to put the focus on why he isn't caring for me rather than why I didn't perform properly".

Carol used to do this a lot when we were vanilla. I put a pretty abrupt stop to it when she took my collar.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to subbykat)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/10/2011 11:42:12 AM

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Joined: 4/9/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Yeah, Carol calls it "the pity card". It goes something like this:

"I know I've done something wrong and so I'll engage in vast fits of self-flagellation hoping to gain the sympathy of my master in order to put the focus on why he isn't caring for me rather than why I didn't perform properly".

Carol used to do this a lot when we were vanilla. I put a pretty abrupt stop to it when she took my collar.

I wouldn't deny that I play the "pity card" sometimes...And that's usually when he ignores me. I guess the long-distance thing is difficult for me too. I get very lonely and miss him a lot.

(in reply to leadership527)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/10/2011 12:58:47 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subbykat

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Yeah, Carol calls it "the pity card". It goes something like this:

"I know I've done something wrong and so I'll engage in vast fits of self-flagellation hoping to gain the sympathy of my master in order to put the focus on why he isn't caring for me rather than why I didn't perform properly".

Carol used to do this a lot when we were vanilla. I put a pretty abrupt stop to it when she took my collar.

I wouldn't deny that I play the "pity card" sometimes...And that's usually when he ignores me. I guess the long-distance thing is difficult for me too. I get very lonely and miss him a lot.

We don't do *ignoring* in any shape or form. I rarely mention it, as it's seemingly a very accepted and *appreciated* behaviour by many.

Here, *ignoring* is seen as a postponement of something that needs to be dealt with. It generally does not get better by withdrawing contact and in fact, MORE discussion is the only thing that fixes it.

If you live away from him, then contact is also at a premium and you rarely get the best from another person by continually creating insecurity.

How do you think you'd react if you knew he'd never ignore you again? What would you do with that *pity card*? There's nothing wrong with feeling lonely and missing him, Lord, I do lots.......but it's just a fact , not a card to be played, especially if you went into it knowing he was miles away.

Ooooo Jeff, that is my preliminary defense card.....which gets blown away like a piece of tissue when he carries on caring as always, in the same old way. Bloody annoying at times!
:) Nothing worse than saying * You're MEAN and I hate you* and having him ruffle your hair and say * Yeah, I know, come 'ere you stubborn little fairy*.

agirl

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See how easy it can be?

(in reply to subbykat)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/10/2011 1:36:13 PM

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My question for you is that what is it about this man specifically that made you want to submit to him?

I ask because from what you have presented it appears as though you have compatibility issues that might be in part because your wants and needs are not very well defined.

If you are someone with depression, having a master isn't going to cure that.
That is more than not a brain chemistry issue.

If you are someone who has issues of insecurity, having a master isn't going to cure that.
That is something you need to work on from within.

However, if you are someone who has either of those 2 tendencies as a part of her makeup and are in a relationship in which you are second guessing your value to him then I will say that this type of relationship is not only incompatible but likely harmful to your psyche.

There are other types of masters out there.

Get yourself squared away with your issues and then find someone that you are compatible with.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to subbykat)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/12/2011 8:59:28 AM

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Joined: 3/4/2011
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Girl your instincts are screaming at you to get out.
Go find someone to talk to, repair your self image, and move on.
Always learn from your mistakes. And remember there are two
people in this life you need to be perfectly honest with, Master and
YOURSELF.

(in reply to subbykat)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/12/2011 9:20:57 AM

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quote:

Hi Cali, I did know going into this arrangement it would be like this. He made it perfectly clear to me that he is a polygamist and he wants women who are bisexual. I told him it is what I wanted too. There were no big secrets about it. I struggle with it now, because i never knew it would bring out a so many insecurities in me...

This does not sound like ethical poly to me but like dominant chasing his dick. See http://www.collarchat.com/m_3629693/mpage_1/tm.htm

Please do see someone about those suicidal thoughts.

(in reply to subbykat)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/12/2011 9:31:22 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subbykat
My Master and I are in a long-distance relationship, in which he wants me to train other subs, for him and I (his primary sub).

quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi
Btw, if any man asked me to get women for him under the pretense of 'training subs' I'd hand his ass to him on a plate and never look back. I require a much better caliber of man. Please don't take that as anything more than my opinion, but I thought it might help to hear that not all us s types would participate in that type of game playing.

I am bi but being girl bait is now a Hard Limit for me.

(in reply to lizi)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/12/2011 9:45:19 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

Here, *ignoring* is seen as a postponement of something that needs to be dealt with. It generally does not get better by withdrawing contact and in fact, MORE discussion is the only thing that fixes it.

It's a recipe for disaster and i've never felt better when being ignored. If anything, it made me insecure or incited angst because the issue was not being addressed. In my opinion it only takes a moment to indicate that you're still working on the schematics. Something, anything is better than the well accepted hush you've noted.

quote:

If you live away from him, then contact is also at a premium and you rarely get the best from another person by continually creating insecurity.

That's the quickest way to get me to lose interest. Sometimes it happens by mistake, but there are those that delight in routine instances of upset that i find very emotionally draining.

quote:

How do you think you'd react if you knew he'd never ignore you again? What would you do with that *pity card*? There's nothing wrong with feeling lonely and missing him, Lord, I do lots.......but it's just a fact , not a card to be played, especially if you went into it knowing he was miles away.

That's the healthiest statement i've seen thus far on that issue. i've heard the gamut and it appears to be a major issue in admitting and accepting that reality on both ends. Kudos. :)

quote:

Nothing worse than saying * You're MEAN and I hate you* and having him ruffle your hair and say * Yeah, I know, come 'ere you stubborn little fairy*.

Truthfully speaking i'm usually hoping he'll say that. i prefer the deflation to its escalation. When the latter happens i feel frustratingly safe.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to agirl)

RE: self-destructive subs - 4/12/2011 10:09:52 AM

Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbykat

I was wondering if there is anyone else out there like me, who engages in self-destructive behaviors, such as crying fits, suicidal thoughts or mental flagellation, whenever your Master is angry with you, ignores you or tells you he will break up with you?

I find it very difficult when my Master doesn't approve of me in some way. I get very hateful towards myself and it sometimes takes me days to recover from it.

A relationship can NOT sustain stability when one partner regularly threatens to end the relationship. Sorry, but it is no wonder you suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts with someone destroying your self worth like that.

Suicidal thoughts are serious. Please walk away from the computer, run from the one threatening to end the relationship and get serious counselling. Dial 911 IMMEDIATELY and get the help you need to save your life.

Good luck.

If you call 911 & say that you're having these thought the cops will come first then when the "scene is safe" they'll allow an ambulance to come in. The cops might make it more stressful for you, OP.

< Message edited by VirginPotty -- 4/12/2011 10:11:51 AM >

_____________________________

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

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