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bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 1:32:29 PM

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Joined: 6/15/2011
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Hello everyone.

I've been speaking to a Dom I met here for the past two months, and we had made some tentative plans to meet next month. Up until recently we seemed to be an excellent match: we wanted very much the same type of relationships and we were both attracted to one another physically and mentally. He told me a few weeks into our acquaintance that he had bipolar disorder, which I've had some experience dealing with in others in the past. I didn't feel it was going to be a huge issue, especially since I was getting what I thought was a pretty good feel for his general temperament as we spoke daily.

Until last week. We went from talking several times a day to not at all. He sent me a message on Friday saying that he was in a depressive phase and didn't want to talk. I got no further information until Monday, when I messaged him saying I needed to know everything was ok. I got a short answer. I begged him yesterday to talk to me because I was getting worried. He messaged me back saying we would talk today, but we didn't because he had a two hour doctor's appointment and discussed going in patient for a while. That information was relayed in a terse text telling me "for the love of Christ, back off".

I understand depression, and I understand sometimes the feeling that you need to isolate yourself, but I'm rather upset over this. I guess I feel hurt and disrespected that he didn't/doesn't feel it's necessary to even give me a hint that he's doing ok until I beg for it. I'm also feeling a huge amount of hurt over the fact that we were having some intense conversations with long distance D/s, which just stopped abruptly with no warning and no apology. This whole episode has made me start reconsidering him as a good match for me.

I just want to know what other people think, or what others would do in my situation. Am I out of line in feeling that I've been treated unfairly? Like I said, I understand bipolar disorder is a hard disease. If we were "together", this would be much easier, I think. At least I would know what was happening to him, and not at the mercy of when he feels well enough to get back in touch with me. Thanks.

< Message edited by zigeuner -- 6/15/2011 1:39:28 PM >

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 1:37:27 PM

ranja

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i think this is a very rocky start...
i would most likely pull back, adapt a wait and see attitude
while occupying myself with having some time with some of my girlfriends and hobbies...

it might turn out good, but it doesn't sound promising

(in reply to zigeuner)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 1:41:23 PM

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I think, if it were Me, and I told you to back off, that would be what I would want you to do.

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(in reply to zigeuner)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 1:41:51 PM

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Joined: 6/2/2008
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The fact that he has bipolar doesn't change anything. I personally find that to be a serious problem in ANYONE wielding any kind of authority if it is not managed or manageable.

So ignoring the why's of it and just looking at what happened, I think that you are not "out of line" for wanting some level of connection. I do not believe that if you were "together" it'd be any different. You need to figure out if you can deal with it or not.

As an aside, these are the risks of long-distance relationships. It's easy to get over-committed.

Good luck.
~Jeff

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to zigeuner)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 1:42:03 PM

ParappaTheDapper

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Do you have experience dealing with individuals who have BPD online? I ask because, in my experience, that's a whole different ballgame from dealing with people realtime. When I was young and my heart was an open book I was far more optimistic about the possibilities of connecting on a deep level with people who had very pronounced (if he is considering inpatient treatment for his mental condition it is probably very pronounced) mood disorders online because I have so many friends in real life who have similar struggles. Experience slapped me right in the face--it's just exponentially more challenging to be a good friend to someone you've never actually met who lives far away who is struggling with something serious.

I'm also a firm believer that people should not be judged by their disorders and cannot be easily labeled. I form friendships and relationships with individuals, not with bundles of symptoms. So you have to trust your instincts and if you feel in your heart of hearts that this is something you want to pursue, more power to you. But my advice, from bitter experience, is that if a personality or mood disorder becomes a wedge issue very early in a relationship that is still strictly online, it's likely to indicate a doomed position that will cause everybody more misery than it is worth to play out.

Sorry. :(

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(in reply to zigeuner)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 1:44:04 PM

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

I just want to know what other people think, or what others would do in my situation. Am I out of line in feeling that I've been treated unfairly? Like I said, I understand bipolar disorder is a hard disease. If we were "together", this would be much easier, I think. At least I would know what was happening to him, and not at the mercy of when he's going to feel like getting back in touch with me. Thanks.

I have no idea what the content of what happened between the two of you is...

I do not mean to disrespect online interactions, but after two months of conversation, no matter how intense, you do not "know" someone.I do not know if he is making his issues up as far as being depressive, but that is not even the point... the point is that you have expectations of a stranger, and he is a stranger.

I would thank my lucky stars for this sort of event when I was getting to know someone. It would tell me that I wanted to proceed no further with him. I want emotionally healthy and stable people in my life, and he doesn't sound like an emotionally healthy or stable person. I do not mean to sound harsh, but why aren't you running to the nearest exit instead of attempting to change someone to meet your needs? He is who is, and you aren't changing him.

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(in reply to zigeuner)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 1:45:31 PM

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I've had some experience (both personal and social) with bipolar disorder and depression. From his perspective, I can see how he wouldn't want the first meeting (or even an abundance of contact) to take place when he's at a low point. Give him space. Wait it out. You guys are still feeling out how you'll fit into each other's lives.

(in reply to zigeuner)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 1:47:41 PM

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

I'm also a firm believer that people should not be judged by their disorders and cannot be easily labeled. I form friendships and relationships with individuals, not with bundles of symptoms. So you have to trust your instincts and if you feel in your heart of hearts that this is something you want to pursue, more power to you. But my advice, from bitter experience, is that if a personality or mood disorder becomes a wedge issue very early in a relationship that is still strictly online, it's likely to indicate a doomed position that will cause everybody more misery than it is worth to play out.

This is true, and having a mood disorder does not prevent many people from having stable lives with emotionally healthy partnerships.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to ParappaTheDapper)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 1:49:56 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
I do not mean to sound harsh, but why aren't you running to the nearest exit instead of attempting to change someone to meet your needs? He is who is, and you aren't changing him.

I don't recall intimating that I was asking him to change. I do recall asking people here for their opinions on my feelings about the situation and their advice regarding what they would do.

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
I would thank my lucky stars for this sort of event when I was getting to know someone. It would tell me that I wanted to proceed no further with him. I want emotionally healthy and stable people in my life, and he doesn't sound like an emotionally healthy or stable person.

Ahh, there it is. Thank you.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 1:50:56 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
This is true, and having a mood disorder does not prevent many people from having stable lives with emotionally healthy partnerships.

I agree. It isn't the disorder. It's how it's being managed or not and the actual effects that has.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to juliaoceania)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 1:51:50 PM

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Joined: 12/29/2010
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it's possible this is a sign to you that he is not at a point in his life where he is really ready for a relationship. though i do think there's a difference when you are physically in someone's life vs. when you're dealing with them online. physically, you could drop by and check on him, which some people see as less invasive than sending messages saying "please talk to me." on the other hand, it might be his way of dealing with his problem; many people just shut others out for a variety of reasons, and it's likely that that is something he does in his real life with physically-present people, too.
it may not be a situation you are emotionally prepared to attach yourself to. if you need to check in and make sure he's okay when he's like this, and he needs alone time and space and no contact when he's like this, then those are conflicting needs that would make problems for both of you.

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(in reply to KiGirl)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 1:53:14 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I think, if it were Me, and I told you to back off, that would be what I would want you to do.

This.

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RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 1:53:49 PM

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Joined: 6/15/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ParappaTheDapper

Do you have experience dealing with individuals who have BPD online? I ask because, in my experience, that's a whole different ballgame from dealing with people realtime. When I was young and my heart was an open book I was far more optimistic about the possibilities of connecting on a deep level with people who had very pronounced (if he is considering inpatient treatment for his mental condition it is probably very pronounced) mood disorders online because I have so many friends in real life who have similar struggles. Experience slapped me right in the face--it's just exponentially more challenging to be a good friend to someone you've never actually met who lives far away who is struggling with something serious.

I don't have experience dealing with someone with BPD long distance, no.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ParappaTheDapper

I'm also a firm believer that people should not be judged by their disorders and cannot be easily labeled.

I agree. I included the bipolar information because I felt it was relevant. If I hadn't, there would be a cadre of people giving me the "you're so stupid, he's trying to give you a hint" reply.

(in reply to ParappaTheDapper)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 1:54:15 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

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I would run the other way personally. People who's disorder that's so out of hand they need to consider in patient, are not people I'd want to get involved with.

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(in reply to juliaoceania)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 2:01:41 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

it may not be a situation you are emotionally prepared to attach yourself to. if you need to check in and make sure he's okay when he's like this, and he needs alone time and space and no contact when he's like this, then those are conflicting needs that would make problems for both of you.

This is possible. I would think, based on my experience with other people in my life with mood disorders, if I had been given some kind of idea of what he needed, I wouldn't be quite as upset as I am now. Instead I got abrupt silence and no indication of what he needed until I begged him to talk to me.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 2:04:49 PM

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maybe he didn't know how to explain that to you. a lot of men really don't like focusing on or talking about problems they're having. and that may be what he feels like you're doing. but his handling of it might be something to talk to him about when he's in a better frame of mind, and if you guys are still working towards deepening your connection.

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(in reply to zigeuner)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 2:15:33 PM

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Trust me when I say that for anyone with a depressive disorder, be it bipolar, depression, or whatever, that disorder is always going to trump anything you think or feel or need or want while they focus on their needs and wants.

The person I was involved with a few years back let me lay on the couch after a spinal fusion with no offers of getting me food or drink while he made himself coffee all day long. I cooked dinner while he laid on the bed with a washcloth over his eyes because he had a headache....caused by the depression, in his words.

My heartfelt advice is to drop any ideas you had of having a relationship with him, be it online, real life, M/s, friends, lovers, or whatever, because the world is going to stop anytime he needs to deal with his depression. And believe me, please, if you were "together" it would NOT be easier. More likely, you'd find yourself needing medication soon. Just let it go.

I came back to add this:

I understand depression, and I understand sometimes the feeling that you need to isolate yourself, but I'm rather upset over this. I guess I feel hurt and disrespected that he didn't/doesn't feel it's necessary to even give me a hint that he's doing ok until I beg for it. I'm also feeling a huge amount of hurt over the fact that we were having some intense conversations with long distance D/s, which just stopped abruptly with no warning and no apology. This whole episode has made me start reconsidering him as a good match for me.

This paragraphs tells me that you DO NOT understand clinical depression! You have no idea of the depth of what you're dealing with, and it's not a simple "poor him, he just needs to isolate himself once in a while", it's a mental illness that could get a lot worse. The person I spoke of above was a master of the online "intense conversation", but that only means he's good at typing pretty words, it doesn't mean he's a good potential partner. You really have no idea of how unstable he really could be, though I suspect you're getting your first taste of it. And if he needs inpatient treatment, I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but, especially if this has only been an online relationship, this is just something you don't want to get involved in, trust me!

Just listen to your gut that's telling you to reconsider, it's telling you that for a reason.

< Message edited by windchymes -- 6/15/2011 2:29:06 PM >

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(in reply to zigeuner)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 2:18:14 PM

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Thank you, everyone. I am considering what each and every one of you has had to say seriously.

(in reply to windchymes)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 2:22:15 PM

NocturnalStalker

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Drop him and find somebody normal.

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(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

RE: bipolar Dom in a depressive phase and shutting me out - 6/15/2011 2:33:27 PM

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From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: zigeuner

Hello everyone.

I've been speaking to a Dom I met here for the past two months, and we had made some tentative plans to meet next month. Up until recently we seemed to be an excellent match: we wanted very much the same type of relationships and we were both attracted to one another physically and mentally. He told me a few weeks into our acquaintance that he had bipolar disorder, which I've had some experience dealing with in others in the past. I didn't feel it was going to be a huge issue, especially since I was getting what I thought was a pretty good feel for his general temperament as we spoke daily.

Until last week. We went from talking several times a day to not at all. He sent me a message on Friday saying that he was in a depressive phase and didn't want to talk. I got no further information until Monday, when I messaged him saying I needed to know everything was ok. I got a short answer. I begged him yesterday to talk to me because I was getting worried. He messaged me back saying we would talk today, but we didn't because he had a two hour doctor's appointment and discussed going in patient for a while. That information was relayed in a terse text telling me "for the love of Christ, back off".

I understand depression, and I understand sometimes the feeling that you need to isolate yourself, but I'm rather upset over this. I guess I feel hurt and disrespected that he didn't/doesn't feel it's necessary to even give me a hint that he's doing ok until I beg for it. I'm also feeling a huge amount of hurt over the fact that we were having some intense conversations with long distance D/s, which just stopped abruptly with no warning and no apology. This whole episode has made me start reconsidering him as a good match for me.

I just want to know what other people think, or what others would do in my situation. Am I out of line in feeling that I've been treated unfairly? Like I said, I understand bipolar disorder is a hard disease. If we were "together", this would be much easier, I think. At least I would know what was happening to him, and not at the mercy of when he feels well enough to get back in touch with me. Thanks.

Guess what? It's not about you.
He told you to back off.
Not add more stress to his life.

_____________________________

(in reply to zigeuner)

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