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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 4:05:47 PM

Rule

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ORIGINAL: LadyPact
I wasn't being their friend. I was being their Mother.

Quoted for truth.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 4:12:20 PM

VideoAdminTheta

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I think that will be enough. Stick to the topic and refrain from attacking another poster.

Thank you

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 4:20:39 PM

sunshinemiss

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What to do about the kids and behavior and such have been really well covered.

There is one point that I want to vehemently disagree about. Stay in school, Tammy. University may be the only reprieve in your life. Also, there are boatloads of services available for uni students - medical, gyms, financial assistance/guidance, etc. I think that if you stop, she could lose all the credits gained that are over ten years old. I know there are specific rules about that but admit it's not my expertise, but it is certainly a question worth considering... particularly if you are just about to graduate and by not taking even one class you will lose 3/4 of what you've gained. That could be a devastating blow.

Also, Art has spoken numerous times of the community there in Nashville who seem to think very well of you all. Whether this is fantasy or reality, who knows? But have the real life folks there been approached? I know there are some good people there. I've been to events there and met a number of them.

good luck. Oh, and Tammy, something that will seriously help. Get angry. Get angry and use that energy.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 4:32:27 PM

barelynangel

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It sounds like school is a way to get away. I would keep it, even if you just need to cut it down to part-time. There is no way i would advocate you giving up something you enjoy because your kids are out of control. Do not give this up, instead get a system going while you are still in school.

They are 10-13 and there is a 22 year old in the house what 4 days a week?  I am sure if she is living there with the boyfriend, she can take over some of the "ruling" the kids for a few hours a week - parents do it all the time with babysitters and nanny's.

It sounds like the ADULTS of the house (you, art, his daughter and her BF) may need to sit down and make a plan as the ADULTS of the house. Make sure the kids know the 22year old and the boyfriend are ADULTS in the home and therefore, are adults to the kids..

You make a chore chart -- each day of the week. (put all the chores in a bag and let the kids pick them out and tell them if they want to exchange them fine but the one that is pulled out is the responsibility of the puller to make sure its done even if they exchange the chore.) You POST it. Then next to that you state what the consequences will be everytime you have to tell them to do their chore. Tell them what time their chores need to be done by. You will remind them once in the mornng to do their chores.    Once the time hits, they have consequences Have it all posted, the chores, the consequences, when the chore needs to be done, when it actually was done, and if a consequence or 2 or 3 had been applied what it is. and write the date next to the consequence when that consequence for that kid ends. On and give each kid a day off per week (different days for each kid), if you can manage it. No one likes working 24/7 lol

It sounds like a lot but after you set it all up, it really isn't that complicated lol

This way, its a no brainer ad they can't complain. When in doubt the chart is right there in the kitchen or their playroom etc. Then sit them down every Sunday and explain what their chores for the week are.   They know what they have to do every day and they know what will happen every time you have to say something to them.

The thing is YOU have to follow through with the consequences. Art has to follow through on the consequences as an adult in the house and his daughter and her BF need to follow through. This way no one is bad cop and no one is afraid to discipline with the consequences provided. As adults in the house they have the right and a must to enforce the consequences listed.   This way it isn't a person disciplining a child, this is a child dealing with the known consequences for not doing what he/she is supposed too. This also gives the adults in the house the visualization and your approval that they are adults to these children. As soon as that time of day rolls around, then any adult can start dishing out the consequences. BEcause its not them being mean, its them enforcing known and understood consequences of inaction by the kids. The kids can avoid same by doing their damn chores lol.

In the end, you need to get all of the adults on board, make the plan, make the consequences, and then PRESENT it -- without negotiation to the children as a way things will be concept. It will be hard in the beginning but if the adults follow through it won't take long for the kids to get the point.

Also, you can assign each chore a point system and along with the consequence subtract a certain amount of points value for each strike -- i.e., Strike 1 = -1 pnt, Strike 2 = -2 pnts etc. Then make a family reward every month (grins have a different family member or kids pick this) something really fun and special that you will do IF a certain amount of points in that month on ___ day you will do the reward. This does a couple things. It will have the kid whose month it is working with his/her siblings to make sure chores are done and there is a reward system in place that will have the all eventually working as a team to get their chores done instead of strikes subtracting their points.

Tammy, this comes down to the ADULTS in the family working together to create structure for these kids.   It doesn't matter whose chores your or arts they are.   There shouldn't be any reason the 10-13 year olds can't help with the yard work also, which could also free up adults to help more inside since you are out of commission a lot.

Your kids are 10-13, it sounds like once they get the structure they need to get this situation under control, things will run smoothly.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 6/28/2011 4:34:45 PM >

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 4:33:35 PM

Rule

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
Oh, and Tammy, something that will seriously help. Get angry. Get angry and use that energy.

Quite.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 4:40:16 PM

barelynangel

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I don't agree with get angry. That will only cause undue stress and only last a certain amount of time, until she has to get angry all over again because they are back to square one. They need structure and a plan and working together as adults.

Anger will only breed unhappiness and resentfulness and discomfort in the house. She has nothing to be angry about. Her own actions, Arts actions and the other adults actions are what caused this. There needs to be consistancy and organization with a house of 6. Without that -- anger will only get the surface wet now and again, until it dries.

angel

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 4:44:16 PM

Rule

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None of us said get angry at the children or adults.

Getting angry will release epinephrine, which opposes the stress hormone cortisol. So in theory getting angry ought to be beneficial. (I wish I could get angry, but the last and only time during the past 44 years was in December 2008.)

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 4:47:20 PM

barelynangel

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I still disagree. There is no need for her to get angry. There is very much a reason for her to get the adults on the same page and create structure. There is a problem -- solve it.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 4:53:22 PM

Rule

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quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel
There is very much a reason for her to get the adults on the same page and create structure. There is a problem -- solve it.

Of course.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 5:11:39 PM

angelikaJ

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You have a cmail.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 5:12:00 PM

Louve00

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I hate to say this, and don't mean to be cruel, but I've read 8 pages of someone describing a dismal life and yet making excuses for every post people are trying to help with. Granted, you've come to air your grievances in a forum, so nobody really, truly knows your situation. But if its that dismal, and there is absolutely no solution to taking the reins of your own home and your own life...if you can't prioritize the things (and people) in your life...if neither of you can or want to control your children then I'll say it in a way my mother used to say to me. "You've made your bed, now lie in it."

(and I truly am sorry and don't mean to be mean, but read these 8 pgs, especially the excuses you have made for ALL the problems in your life, and tell me if you have a choice?)

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 6:34:39 PM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: playfulotter

I have always been a casual observer to the drama that always seems to follow after Tammy or Art have posted in the regular boards. I think her OP on this thread is genuine but posted in a way to seek sympathy mostly but what is wrong with that..if she/they hadn't had the history they had on here previously I wonder if the answers would have changed. With all that being said, I think she is genuinely asking for help and is frustrated with Art and he should listen to her more and they should try and work it out between them..maybe school online might work if that is available.

Absofuckinglutely NOT! Quite honestly, if all I wanted to do was be a snarky bitch, I would have avoided the damned thread simply because I saw in Tammy's words how she is struggling. But yanno what, in my eyes, sympathy isn't what she needs. She is doing a bang up job of sympathizing for herself. She doesn't need any of our sympathy. She needs to put her god damned big girl panties on and DEAL.

I was a single mother. I did marry a man that was in no position to 'father' my children and their biological father may as well have been dead. It was up to me. It was fucking HARD. I worked because I had to. Rent had to be paid, groceries bought. Period. I had no other option. It was all on me. I wasn't getting child support.

Tammy has options I didn't have but one thing I share with her.......I had to be a parent. I HAD TO! My kids had no one else. Tammy's kids need her to step up to the plate.

I read a lot of bitching and moaning on here by s-types about how their master/mistress/dominant partner is slacking, not being dominant enough, not being large and in charge...shirking on their end of the relationship bargain. People feel sorry for them, give them all sorts of advice to improve their relationship. People talk trash about those masters/mistress/dominants when they don't hold up their end of the power exchange deal. Well fuck all, we are talking about adults. Submissive/slave adults that can walk out the door when their partner blows. These kids don't really have that option. They have to stay there with a parent that isn't holding up her end of the parent child deal. Those kids NEED a parent. A parent sets boundaries and creates structure that those kids need. WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT.

I don't give a flying fuck about Artie and Tammy but those kids deserve a parent that cares more about them than her pathetic pity party that she shares the bulk of the responsibility for creating.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 6/28/2011 6:36:53 PM >

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 7:05:39 PM

Killerangel

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I don't know the posters here but I have to say that the OP seems to be putting a martyr spin on things. Yes, it sucks that she has a painful disease. It's awful that the kids' dad died. It's a burden that things aren't being done in a productive manner by the group as a whole, seems like 2 people at least are putting in their time and not so much on the others. Yes, school takes lots of time and effort. Those seem to be the pertinent things I got from her narrative. If these are the cards that are dealt then work with what you have, prioritize what is most important, and go from there.

Here's the thing, no matter how bad things are there are 2 minor children involved who are not being parented. Man up and parent them OP. If the man of the house should be doing more in your opinion then ask him to do it or switch him out for a new model or leave him. You have children, make sure you are doing what you should do for them. I don't care if you're slave, Domme, switch, or labrador retriever....when it comes to your kids you are in control of providing for their physical and emotional needs. That means you set limits and goals. You discipline. This is your job. Stop pushing it off on excuses, it's not going to do them any good to run free.

It seems a bit odd that you've been in school for this long...why? That seem pretty indulgent, most of us need to earn our way through life. If the man of the house is paying your living expenses then why are you a perpetual student instead of a wage earner? It doesn't seem so wrong that he wants you to run the house. However, if he agrees that you should be in school then he'll have to accept doing some things himself, getting a maid service, helping get the kids in line to do some things, or accept a lower standard of cleanliness.

It also seems that even though you have a painful disease you're not seeking current treatment for it and seem to prefer just accepting status quo. I could be wrong. However, if I had 2 children that depended on me you can bet that I would relentlessly try to become a more stable, happy, productive person so I could do the best job I could at raising them seeing as how I was the only parent left. The guy in your life has made it clear he won't be filling in so it's up to you to be up to the task. Go find out how to be up to it and do it now, the kids have been rudderless for far too long. They'll soon be trading their child sized issues into adult ones.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 7:16:42 PM

Arturas

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quote:

but why do you need both their help outside in a large yard? Are you also in pain? I grew up on a small farm. I had chores inside and out. Feeding the animals, tending to two smaller brothers and weeding the garden, along with dishes, dinner and laundry.

Children dont have to be beat to get them to listen.

I don't need their help. They help me because my daughter loves me and this home and since they cannot pay much toward their room and board they like to help out. I'm fit and not in pain, thanks for your concern.

"Children don't have o be beat..." where did that come from? Where you beaten as a child?

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 7:27:23 PM

Arturas

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ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

All I see, based upon the words of Tammy and Art, is that 4 offspring are the 'masters' of the house. The adults are serving and submitting to them.

Art bottomed and submitted to his daughter and her idle threats and now is serving her and her boy toy. Instead of calling her bluff. Tammy is serving the lot of them. Four manipulative kids, two adults allowing it then pissing and whining about the outcome.

As a parent it is a helluva lot easier to do what they are doing and a lot harder, but more responsible, to create boundaries and stand by them. Even when the kids use your love for them, and weaknesses, to manipulate. Two adults too blinded to see they are the problems, not the kids.

Don't feel bad Tammy and Art, I see it all the time. You are not a rarity.

One more thing.....Tammy, if you cannot effectively parent AND go to school I sincerely suggest you quit school. It is all about priorities. Your health should be #1 and your children should be #2. School, while I understand it's importance to you personally, may very well have to take a backseat, as a responsible parent.

That's an interestingly bizarre way to describe the situation with my daughter and extremely judgemental and of course inaccurate when going on so few facts. Please don't feel bad for me, I love my daughter and she does right by me and I don't need to call her bluff as you say because there is none to call. Do you mean I should have let her live on the street with him as a homeless person and hope she would get tired of that and forsake her love for him and come to my house and live? You have a lot to learn about the love of a woman and how strong that can be and besides, what would I gain for her or me by taking such a strange and reckless position? Perhaps this is how some daughters end up lost.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 7:36:02 PM

Arturas

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ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

what Lilly said.

seriously, Tammy.. what kind of pussy did you get involved with if he wont even take responsibility for his own kids, let alone the ones of yours that (by default) he took on when accepting you as a slave?

"Master" doesnt mean abdicating responsibility... especially when in re: kids.

Can you clarify why you say this? What makes you think I don't take responsibilty for my own kid? What in the world would justify that position? How culd you even be in a position to make that judgement and what made you so experienced in good parenting in my home? Additionally, you decided I should have taken responsibility for tam's kids when I took tam into my house? Tell me where that is written? I can tell you most times in this situation it is hands off the kids as far as disciplining them. I suggest disciplines to Tam and expect her to decide about her kids but nothing gives me any right to touch her kids or overrider her authority with the kids.

Greedy, "Master" does not mean master of her kids. Now, anyone except Greedy, what woman turns over responsibility of her kids to the man she lives with? Anyone.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 7:49:19 PM

Arturas

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Tammy chose this ass for a reason. Apparently she finds asses to be hot. That's fine.

But her children didn't choose him. They were saddled with a man who has made no bones about his dislike about their sheer existence.

Tammy, by ignoring this, has been a failure of a mother. Talk to any child psychologist and she'll hear the truth. That she is destroying them, which includes driving them into depression where they can't do chores or homework because they are overwhelmed by not being wanted. And no matter how much she claims to love them, her actions prove to them that the exact opposite is true or she wouldn't be doing this to them.

I strongly suggest she gets some help for them before they start self medicating the emotional pain with alcohol, drugs and sex. If they haven't already.

And is she isn't prepared to be a decent mother, please see if either set of grandparents would assume parental rights. Because they deserve a thousand times better than they're getting.

Actually, the kids did choose me. They had a say in this. They have a say now. I first dated tam with the kids present at dinner and ice cream afterward. Where did you get the idea I dislike tam's kids sheer existance? I checked and nothing Tam says indicates that. Nothing can be furthur from the truth. They are actually some of the best kids I've met. They are both a handful, intelligent and well meaning, less selfish and self centered than most her age and wants things to work out, but they tend to be just a lazy as any of today's kids.

"And is she isn't prepared to be a decent mother...". Why do you say that? Where does that come from?

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 7:56:01 PM

JstAnotherSub

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When my son was their ages, I can promise you I would never have lived with a man who I did not trust to do right by my kids, including discipline.

Because it is obvious that you do not want the responsibility, or she does not trust you to do the right thing by her kids, that is why she needs to move out and be a parent. There will be another "master" there when she is done doing her job, which is to raise the kids.

Gawd, I just backspaced 2 paragraphs. Man up, and do what is right for those children, even if it means giving up your piece of ass.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 8:05:42 PM

Arturas

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

Since we've decided to open my house up to CM forums in this soap opera
We? Nope...sorry Artie. It was not a "we". It was Tammy.

My guess is you are pretty darn upset that she exposed a crack in the foundation of the perfect "House of Arturas" crap you have tried to portray.

Perhaps you need to forget the fact that you look like an ass and focus on what is important. Remove your head from your butt and look around you. Look at Tammy...she is in a great deal of pain and is trying to create the Brady Bunch fantasy that i am sure you expect.
Her posts should tell you that she is trying to accomplish the impossible. Unless you and Tammy share the household responsibilities equally (yes...equal with your slave, Artie. How is THAT for a concept??) your castle is going to crumble. Those responsibilities include the assignment of chores to every member of the household and enforcing the consequences if those chores are not completed. It is not just Tammys job, it is yours as well. She needs you to back her up, so do it.

But opening the house up is Ok! I have a good house I'm proud of that has it's share of problems but none we cannot handle together, given time. You know, tam feels she is not doing enough because of her acute illness that frankly disables her at times. Fibro tends to knock people down and depress them and make them unequal to some tasks and she wanted to share that with everyone and get some thoughts from those who suffer the same illness and probably have the same issues with their children and feelings of not being as good as they once were in all aspects of their lives including raising children. I see she has receive some of that and I personally thank those who offered well meaning advice to her.

I assure you I do back Tammy up rather than not take any interest and do my share of the household chores but I do not take direct disciplinary action with her children but back her up or suggest actions to her especially in the area of being consistant. If tammy took anything away from this exchange today it was to be consistant with her children. She also tends to be a 'tree hugger' in trying to plead with the kids and talk to them rather than enforcing her rules and that does not work well. This will take time to change her.

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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 6/28/2011 8:15:04 PM

Arturas

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ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub

When my son was their ages, I can promise you I would never have lived with a man who I did not trust to do right by my kids, including discipline.

Because it is obvious that you do not want the responsibility, or she does not trust you to do the right thing by her kids, that is why she needs to move out and be a parent. There will be another "master" there when she is done doing her job, which is to raise the kids.

Gawd, I just backspaced 2 paragraphs. Man up, and do what is right for those children, even if it means giving up your piece of ass.

Tam does not live with a man she does not trust with her children, including discipline. What has she written to give you that impression? And, I never forsake my responsibilities but I do not include directly discipling her children as my responsiblity. My responsiblity in that area is limited to supporting her decisions in front of the kids and suggesting methods to discipline the kids and pushing her to be consistant with them and I choose that limitation rather than suffering one she imposes on m. This is because she does trust me with the kids and the kids trust me with them also as well they would as I do love them also. Additionally, I have her kids alone much of the time when I work at home while she is in school or when she is down with fibro and certainly tam loves her kids and would not leave them alone with someone she did not trust, as you would not.

I think your heart is in the right place but I assure you that you have the wrong impression.

< Message edited by Arturas -- 6/28/2011 8:16:40 PM >

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