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Alcohol is one of the two drugs that people can actually die when they are going through withdrawal from.

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Oh and fyi, Bill W was married when he hit his bottom and founded AA, he and his wife stayed married. So when people insist that B has to end your relationship, have him point out that Bill and Lois didn't. She wrote the Big Book chapter to wives.

Eating healthy food is going to be very important. For a long time his major calorie intake has been through alcohol. Simple sugars. He isn't going to be able to eat heavy meals. The ex directly after he got sober couldn't sit and eat. So I baked a lot of quick breads with whole wheat pastry flour, dry milk powder, oats, raisins and so on. Served with sliced cheddar cheese and a sliced apple. He could nibble on that and ate more than he realized. I've known others who couldn't bake, buy a whole wheat raisin bread instead which was left out with cheese or yogurts.

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ORIGINAL: yummee

Well, we've just come through a tunnel of hell and I am getting very discouraged with my research. The past year and a half have been very stressful, full of some amazing highs and lows, and along the way, B lost control of his alcohol consumption. He's always been a drinker but was never hurtful. We were aware, however, that at some point, it escalates, and this is what began to happen. So, we detoxed him this weekend, spent his weekly beer money on a RC airplane, inquired about flying clubs, and I am researching possible assistance for when he might need it. I can't believe what I am finding.

I am getting two very disturbing vibes from those in the popular recovery program as well as the affiliated loved-ones group. 1) Apparently, B has not hit rock bottom because he has not lost his job, house, family, etc. Because the damage he has done to his loved ones has not been devastating, popular consensus is that we are about to start a cycle of relapse and struggle until he hits rock bottom. 2) That I should be gone. He will not be encouraged to hold on to this relationship. He needs to focus on himself ONLY, and supposedly I have some disease and need to make my own life independent of him so he can make his life with people like himself.

WTF?!?!?! I call BS. I just don't believe that. He's got a good support system here. The whole reason for all the stress was that B quit his job (that he loved), spent our last dime (and then some), packed up his mother FFS, and moved us all 3000 miles away so that I can care for mother during her back surgery recovery and be here as her illness progresses. The closest job he could find was an hour away and he worked 12 hour shifts without complaint until he could find one literally 5 minutes from my mother's. He's bought a compound with a house for us, a house for his mother (she paid for that though), a cottage for my mother, and a shop. I refuse to believe that we are this close to having it all, but are somehow doomed to fail as a couple.

I know this is kind of a rant, but I am dumfounded. I worked in a secondary treatment facility 20+ years ago and I don't remember that attitude at all. Ok, now that I've ranted, here's where we are: B is expressing anxiety over how to enjoy things without alcohol. He's taken active positive steps and he feels strong (although anxious, annoyed, shame), but he can't seem to wrap his head around not having a beer in his hand and living moment to moment. I'm thinking of spending next week's beer money on a new chair? Would it seem less awkward to sit in a chair you didn't used to always have a beer in? B doesn't generally require a lot of outside socialization. We are a little introverted, do something maybe twice a month, so I think we can find enough dry places to fulfil that need. What about around the house? That's where he drank. He's starting to get up and take over things I am doing (changing light bulb type stuff), so maybe a kind of honey-do list? That seems odd considering our M/s relationship, but I think it would be fine and good for him. I don't think he would feel topped ... we are long past spontaneous role reversal phobia. Life happens, sometimes M's fail, for better or for worse, etc.

I guess I am just looking for some reassurance I didn't find at all over there ... and maybe thoughts from people who have been here, both sides of the kneel, both sides of the beercan?

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ORIGINAL: areallivehuman

Original Poster, I am going to share what will be a fairly unpopular opinion. Alcoholism is not a disease. It is a matter of personal choice. The recognized cure for alcoholism, AA , is a change in thought process. If you can cure it in your own head, it isn't a disease. I might listen to the argument that it is a mental disease, but even then you don't hear about manic-depressives healing themselves.  I can't control disease. I can control myself. 
    I'm not saying AA/12 Step programs are bad, they work for a lot of people and that's great. It's just not the only choice.

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ORIGINAL: areallivehuman

Original Poster, I am going to share what will be a fairly unpopular opinion. Alcoholism is not a disease. It is a matter of personal choice. The recognized cure for alcoholism, AA , is a change in thought process. If you can cure it in your own head, it isn't a disease. I might listen to the argument that it is a mental disease, but even then you don't hear about manic-depressives healing themselves.  I can't control disease. I can control myself. 
   I'm not saying AA/12 Step programs are bad, they work for a lot of people and that's great. It's just not the only choice.

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

And because it's not an illness I guess the hospital shouldn't have kept my father in for a week, on medication to prevent convulsions as he detoxed?

And of course I must be wrong in saying it's genetic just because it's been in the last four generations of my family? I'm sure it was there earlier but we have no data from before my great-grandfather immigrated here.

If you have any credentials, live, then I suggest you present them. Otherwise we'll feel free to scoff at this absurd assertion.

There's no cure for lots of chronic illnesses. Does that mean a diabetic doesn't really have an illness because insulin is just a treatment, not a cure?

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ORIGINAL: yummee

Thank you all for your support. So far so good. He's reached out and found some resources (sane, soberrecovery and a local facility that merges their own aftercare patients with walkins in meetings). He's taken up radio controlled airplanes. He accepts that he wont ever be able to drink again. He says he's sure of that. I'm relieved he knows and accepts. I just wish I could make him feel better. I can't. I know that.

My mother-in-law just returned from a two-week trip and told me I was too thin. I got on the scale and I've lost 12 pounds since she left. I had no idea. It wasn't on purpose. It explains why I am feeling ... scattered. Now I feel guilty since he feels like shit that I lost so much so fast. Nothing I can do about that. I just told him I am a big girl and my lack of attention to myself was my own fault, not his.

I am still feeling positive. I'm just drained right now.

Thank you all so much.

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ORIGINAL: areallivehuman

Original Poster, I am going to share what will be a fairly unpopular opinion. Alcoholism is not a disease. It is a matter of personal choice. The recognized cure for alcoholism, AA , is a change in thought process. If you can cure it in your own head, it isn't a disease. I might listen to the argument that it is a mental disease, but even then you don't hear about manic-depressives healing themselves.  I can't control disease. I can control myself. 
  I'm not saying AA/12 Step programs are bad, they work for a lot of people and that's great. It's just not the only choice.

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Thank you all for your support.