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Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/21/2011 8:15:00 PM   
justasubslut


Posts: 23
Joined: 7/21/2011
Status: offline 		Hi all. This question may lean a little towards the submissive/slave side but it would be interesting to hear from both sides of the kneel.

Do you ever just need a vacation/break from the wiitwd ? Especially when you live apart, work, life, logistics, family, stuff that pops up, etc. I'm not talking about not wanting to be with them, not wanting to please, being lazy or disobedient. Just needing a break to regroup, focus, private time, etc. Nothing bad, just a break?

And if so, how would you communicate it? Thanks for all comments :)
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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/21/2011 8:18:36 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		No. That would mean taking a break from life,  but taking a break from him..no. Our life really isn't any different than anyone else's. We eat, sleep, go to work, classes, blah blah blah....yup, I'd like to take a break from life though lol.




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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/21/2011 8:24:37 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		There are a lot of people who think that wiitwd is a 24/7 thing.  Many of those people are on this board.  I will leave it for them to talk about how they balance these things.  However, each person is different, and when my spirit needs a break / alone time / whatever, I tend to listen to it.  It's always been a disaster for me when I didn't. 

For me now, I live my life.  When I am involved with someone (cause I've learned my lesson!) I do what I do, and then add the spice of BDSM to my self-sufficient life.  If I had a lover / partner, I suppose that would change somewhat, but since I don't have a lover / partner, it's not an issue. 

best,
sunshine



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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/21/2011 8:27:59 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		maybe if you feel you need to take a break, ask him in a polite and respectful manner...ask him if you both can sit down and in a peaceful manner explain to him what's going on, what you need and why. Let him have his say and you both hash it out until you come to some kind of compromise. If you both can't do this then your relationship is doomed.



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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/21/2011 8:32:02 PM   
justasubslut


Posts: 23
Joined: 7/21/2011
Status: offline 		Thanks littlewonder and sunshine.

i wish i could cut out some other things, i enjoy so much more my time with him....but i do not have those options right now.

The commute would be more time than we could have together.

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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/21/2011 8:35:25 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		aahh....commute problems...yeah, been there done that. We did the commute thing for over 5 years before I could move to be near him.

It sounds like one of you is going to have to decide to move soon then. Commuting is rough and can wear you down.


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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/21/2011 8:36:07 PM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		Long distance adds a difficult dimension to a relationship, because of the extra time involved. I have had several. I think you just need to be honest about your time constraints. Say it just like you did in your OP.

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Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/21/2011 8:40:22 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline 		If anything I need to take a break from the vanilla world. ahhh...but I am no where near the norm. Life seems to get into the way of my BDSM interests sometimes :)

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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/21/2011 8:43:38 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
Sunny
Quote of the Day
goes to
mummyman321

for

 I am no where near the norm

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3818678/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#3818686


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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/21/2011 8:49:26 PM   
justasubslut


Posts: 23
Joined: 7/21/2011
Status: offline 		yes, real life is seriously messing up my other interests.

i think it's harder on this side because i don't want to disappoint him and it sucks for me too. If he insists, it just is what it is :)

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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/21/2011 9:09:09 PM   
HeatherMcLeather


Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline 		I was going to make a reply, but I think what you are really talking about is the problems presented by the travel time rather than the actual BDSM activities. And I'm afraid I have nothing to contribute in that regard.

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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/21/2011 9:17:29 PM   
justasubslut


Posts: 23
Joined: 7/21/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather

I was going to make a reply, but I think what you are really talking about is the problems presented by the travel time rather than the actual BDSM activities. And I'm afraid I have nothing to contribute in that regard.


Actually, the commute is a factor but the thought has crossed my mind that i could use a few weeks with very little demands. Ever just think "i'm tired, i just don't fuking feel like it"? That ran thru my mind.

< Message edited by justasubslut -- 8/21/2011 9:18:02 PM >

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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/21/2011 9:24:01 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		yeah there have been tired and just didn't want to do something but I just suck it up and remind myself this is what I signed up for. I do the same thing with work, school, raising a kid, life stuff.

Remind yourself that if he was gone tomorrow you'd miss all those things he has you do and you'd miss him...unless you wouldn't and then you have much bigger issues.




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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/21/2011 9:49:14 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Sometimes I get tired, sometimes I get tired of the commute to see him, sometimes I get tired of leaving the kitty behind on the weekends, sometimes I am wiped out from a very hard work week and really don't want to drive an hour and a half and then clean his house and do the laundry, sometimes I want to hang out with my friends/family up here on a weekend instead of squeezing them in on weeknights after work.

But...I'm afraid no, I don't want a break from it.  There have been a few times when I've stayed home on a weekend just to get myself grounded again, but I miss him, and I realized the joy I feel when I'm with him is worth all those times I feel "tired of ____."  I might feel tired of some of the chores it takes right now, but I do not feel tired of him, or of us, or of what the relationship brings me. 

For the most part, I just had to figure out what the balance was.  That took some time.  And fortunately he is super understanding of my need for balance, and has often offered me to stay home and take care of the things I need to.  It's harder in the summer, because he has a part time seasonal job in addition to his full time job, and between that and his daughter, he needs to be home most weekends in the Spring/Summer.  In the Fall/Winter, he comes my way as much as possible.

I would only ask you to think about what you're asking for. It might not be an actual break that you need (I'm interpreting "break" as a temporary - or permanent - separation from the relationship).  Maybe you just need to find that balance.  I let the Mister know when I feel this way and we adjust the schedule as best as we can, and he might pull back on my chores list to give me time with him yet "time off" from some of the chores.  In other words, I tell him when I'm out of balance or not grounded, and he fixes it.  For us, it does not require a break, just an adjustment.  He's still in authority, but I get the balance I need.


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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/21/2011 10:32:28 PM   
HeatherMcLeather


Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline 		Well in that case, I do have something to contribute! 

Yes, I do want a break now and then. It's different, because, like littlewonder, I'm a live-in slave, so it is a 24/7 sort of situation. I don't mean the kink is continuous, but the D/s aspect of it is. It doesn't matter if I want to or not, I do what I'm told. That's not a role I assume, it's what I do, obey. I do have an outlet, I go out with Suze and/or Cheri, where there is no dynamic in play. It works the same way with the sex. She says, I do.

When I feel particularly out of it and I just want to do nothing. I tell Hanners that. "I'm really beat, can I just go back to bed and watch TV today?" She cares for me and my well-being, emotional as well as physical, so she normally says yes <or even better joins me for a day of snuggles and bad movies>. Unless there's some reason not to.

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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/22/2011 12:33:33 AM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline 		No, I don't ever want a break from it all. When things in life get me down or I'm tired or there is some other obstacle...I just work through it. I enjoy my place in this relationship (which is a 24/7 dynamic, this is how our relationship works, period, end of story. We aren't just playing around here) and I keep my feet in line because, like littlewonder said, it's what I signed up for.

And likewise, if I am really really fucking beat and tired and I am not feeling up to something, I let my Master know and more often than not, he will be just fine with a delay in me doing what he wanted me to, because he cares about my emotional state. I'm not taking a break from the order of things or the dynamic, I'm requesting a little compromise--and if he says no, he really wants/needs X action from me right now? I don't complain and I just do it--I know that I will be happier for it in the end, anyway.

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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/22/2011 5:11:21 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		We had a good thread a few months ago about Submissive Cycles, which the search feature will not allow me to find >_<
I'd quoted from Dr. Christiane Northrup's "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom."

Women are naturally more inward focused and reflective after ovulation/before menstruation. If this were the issue for me, I would honor these wanting to take a break feelings by either merely noting them and realizing that my feelings will change in a few days or indeed negotiating a mini break.

Right before my period starts I often have a manic period of nesting, which manifests as decluttering and cleaning, which I always indulge. It's the only time deep-cleaning occurs!

I like knowing why these feelings and cycles occur.

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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/22/2011 7:38:47 AM   
Asherscorp1


Posts: 143
Joined: 3/6/2011
Status: offline 		Every so often I have felt like I could use a break from certain aspects of my relationship. I adore M and I would never give up wiitwd but yes, sometimes I feel like I would enjoy just accomplishing my own goals for a day, or indulging in some sarcasm when I want to, or not be concerned about whether I am being obedient or pleasing because I just want to do what I want and focus on my own things. But, usually as kalikshama said it's tied into hormones, or other outside influences. I try very hard to channel that energy into self-discipline. I obey the vast majority of the time because it makes me happy, secure and fulfilled. When I am struggling I look at it as a challenge. I will be a pleasing, obedient slave because I will not allow less from myself and accomplishing that regardless of personal feelings makes M happy and me proud of myself. Days where I am so exhausted emotionally or mentally that I just cannot function I do tell M that I need to just relax. I never say, please give me the night off, I simply tell him I just need some time to write, or lay down or unwind. As far as doing that respectfully, I go to him and ask, Master, may I ... tonight and explain what I would like.

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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/22/2011 10:33:48 AM   
MyVision


Posts: 102
Joined: 3/30/2011
Status: offline 		@OP

I had a slave that has MS. And before that some other problems.
We needed a rest. It was not a break from BDSM.....because that is something inside us.
It was more a holiday to regain energy.

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RE: Ever want a vacation from BDSM? - 8/22/2011 2:32:46 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I need a fair bit of private time. I'm an introvert. So all I do is say that I'm overstressed and can I be excused to go read in the other room and not talk to anyone for a while. As long as he knows it isn't him causing me to retreat, he's usually okay with it.

Just explain that it isn't him, that you just need some alone time. I assume you aren't wanting your off time to drink margaritas at the bar and pick up guys because that won't go over so well. :)


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