Inappropriate expectations?

Inappropriate expectations? (Full Version)

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Asherscorp1 -> Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 8:27:39 AM)
I don't often get stuck in a spiral but when I do it's a swearing, slamming doors, crying sort of thing. My question is this: if I am my Master's creature is it his place to pull me out of that sort of negative spiral when I can't myself? For my part I see that as the obligation and privelege of a Master. If there is something a slave can't handle, physically, emotionally, mentally he is there to ground her, encourage her, do whatever it takes to help her help herself and deal with the issue. I realize the pressure that would place on a Master though and just wanted to know if others see it that way or if my view is actually unreasonable.

sexyred1 -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 8:29:20 AM)
I don't feel it is anyone's responsibility to pull me out of my own way, other than myself. We all get upset over things, but grown adults can handle their own behavior, usually. Sub/slave or not.

GreedyTop -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 8:42:07 AM)
I think sometimes having an 'outside party' bump ya, so to speak IS a great help. Of course, sometimes, it backfires..

sexyred1 -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 8:48:07 AM)
I understand that, but the way the question was phrased, it sounded like someone wanting someone else to be wholly responsible for their behavioral spirals. Support and bouncing ideas and feelings off of, is great, relinquishing responsibility for your own actions, to me, is not.

GreedyTop -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 8:58:25 AM)
agreed (have I mentioned that I adore that avatar, even if it ISNT as sexy as YOU are!!)

sexyred1 -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 9:08:43 AM)
Thanks, Greedy! I love yours as well. :)

LafayetteLady -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 9:20:01 AM)
~fast reply~ I don't think it has anything to do with M/s or D/s. It's a relationship thing. Partners support and try to help each other through difficult times. I'm always somewhat amazed how people think normal relationship issues apply differently to BDSM.

DarkSteven -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 9:24:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Asherscorp1 I don't often get stuck in a spiral but when I do it's a swearing, slamming doors, crying sort of thing. My question is this: if I am my Master's creature is it his place to pull me out of that sort of negative spiral when I can't myself? For my part I see that as the obligation and privelege of a Master. If there is something a slave can't handle, physically, emotionally, mentally he is there to ground her, encourage her, do whatever it takes to help her help herself and deal with the issue. I realize the pressure that would place on a Master though and just wanted to know if others see it that way or if my view is actually unreasonable. It's his prerogative to try to do so. It's also his prerogative to decide NOT to do so. Also, it's not his obligation to succeed. If he tries and it doesn't work, don't count that against him.

littlewonder -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 9:46:22 AM)
For us, no. He has tried. He knows it can't be done. Only I can do that for myself. He can do things to make it a little easier, to bring a little sunshine to my life but in the end only I can pull myself out. He knows I suffer from depression and he cannot pull me out of that. He asks if there's anything he can do and if there is I tell him but he knows he can't cure me. He can't fix me. He can't force me to be happy. Sure I could pretend but what good would that do? Only me and me alone can pull myself through it.

myotherself -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 10:15:33 AM)
I'm in a similar place, Littlewonder. I'm struggling with grief at the moment, but I made the mistake of bottling it all up inside for a couple of weeks. I didn't want to bother Master, or put pressure on him to get me out of my 'bad place'. Dumb move on my part! I became supremely passive-aggressive, we argued, he got really angry with me, I panicked that he was going to leave me and I had a meltdown. Fortunately he is not the man I thought he was (which was pretty damn good)...he's actually a hundred times better. We talked, discussed ways to support me through this nightmare and ended up even closer than before. But ultimately it's up to me to sort it all out. No-one else can do it, but I know I can do it because I have the support of family, friends and, most of all, Master [:)]

littlewonder -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 10:22:06 AM)
I used to do that with him in the beginning...bottle it up, keep it from him and deal with it on my own. I learned to do that from my past relationship where I was always made to feel like I was worthless, crazy, yelled at, etc...from my depression to the point I stopped communicating and kept it to myself. It came to a point with Master that I broke down and he actually wanted to talk about it, comfort me, help me without making me feel like I did before. Although he still doesn't completely understand my issues <and I don't expect him to>, he has been wonderful in being the support I need and not trying to fix me which only makes it worse. We've been together so long now that he can tell just by the sound of my voice, my habits, body language, how I'm feeling sometimes before I even know lol.

IrishMist -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 10:34:11 AM)
quote: if I am my Master's creature is it his place to pull me out of that sort of negative spiral when I can't myself? ...... quote: he is there to ground her, encourage her, do whatever it takes to help her help herself Which way do you want? In one instance you state that you feel it's his place to 'help pull you out' and in the other you state that it's only his place to 'help you help yourself'. Which one do you want? Personally, it's my own personal belief that it's no one elses place to 'fix' me. That's my responsibility, not theirs. They can offer to help, and I can accept or reject, but ultimately, it's my own responsibility to make myself happy and content.

Asherscorp1 -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 11:43:31 AM)
Whew, you all took this much deeper than I had intended for it to go. I meant days where you/me/slave/sub whatever might just be having a rough patch. Not an entire life-crisis or an emotional dark-cloud fueled by depression or grief. Of course I didn't mean that we have no responsibility for our actions and I am not talking about a situation where there is nothing a Master can do to help and still expecting him to "fix it." Let me give an example and maybe it will be clearer. I'm prone to being tempermental and there are times when stress just hits me over the head and I end up just fuming, frustrated, angry over things that at other times wouldn't even phase me. Master can take 3min and snap me out of this if he chooses to. Distraction, re-engaging and encouragement are the steps. Pain works excellently for me as a distraction, one pinch in the right place causes me to stop what I am doing, focus on him and listen. Re-engaging is that period of focus. He generally uses it to remind me that I am his and I take my cues from him not from my own, sometimes neurotic, thought process. He is calm. I am calm. To be a good girl for him involves remembering this. Encouragement is reminding me that whatever I am freaking out about is not actually that bad, I am capable of conquering anything I choose to. I was simply relating this the other day and was told that it seems unfair and unreasonable for him to have to step in for me when I should be able to deal with my own emotions. I don't see it this way, I see it as, if he can do that why wouldn't he since it makes everyone's life easier in the end? However, the more I considered it the more I wondered. Do other slaves have this sort of understanding or dynamic? Or does it actually reek of unfair emotional manipulation and I fail to see it because I am the one benefitting from it?

IrishMist -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 12:13:27 PM)
Ahhh...ok, I understand more fully now. With that in place, I can say that no, I see no reason that he can't help you out on occassion, as long as you don't start to depend on what he's doing to bring you back up. Know what I mean?

NuevaVida -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 12:29:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Asherscorp1 I was simply relating this the other day and was told that it seems unfair and unreasonable for him to have to step in for me when I should be able to deal with my own emotions. I don't see it this way, I see it as, if he can do that why wouldn't he since it makes everyone's life easier in the end? However, the more I considered it the more I wondered. Do other slaves have this sort of understanding or dynamic? Or does it actually reek of unfair emotional manipulation and I fail to see it because I am the one benefitting from it? Is there a pattern of him having to step in? Maybe he's tired of it? In my own dynamic, there is an expectation that I won't lose my cool about things, because it's never gotten to the point of slamming doors, etc., with me. When I'm upset, I have quieter ways of working through it. So a precedent has been set - I'll deal with putting myself back in place, and if I'm struggling then I'll ask for his help OR he'll step in on his own. It's not a common occurrence, though, so he's perfectly OK with stepping in. He wouldn't find it manipulative, particularly if I'm outright asking. He can always say no, if he's not up to it. There is not, as you put it in your OP, an "expectation" that he will step in, nor is it his job to. He can if he wants. He won't if he doesn't want to. It would be unfair of me to expect him to pull me out of my funk if he also had a bad day. I think the difference between yours and my relationships is that you take your mood cues from him, and I manage my own moods. But to answer your question: "if he can do that why wouldn't he since it makes everyone's life easier in the end?" In my case, he wouldn't if it was too burdensome for him on a particular day. He wouldn't if he felt I'd be better off learning to stabilize myself. He wouldn't if it was happening so frequently it was becoming exhausting for him to do so. He wouldn't if he felt I wasn't trying to help myself first, and instead just falling on him to bail me out all the time. And probably a bunch of other reasons. That said, he does like when I lean on him, but if he feels I'm not trying to help myself first, he's going to say something about it.

Kaliko -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 1:08:04 PM)
FR~ I would hope that any partner of mine, Master or not, would help me out of a tizzy. And I would do the same for him. It's not an unreasonable expectation and it's not a BDSM thing. Your being pinched into the here and now could be someone else's being shaken by the shoulders and forced to look in someone's eye. If my partner knows what to do, whether it's BDSM related or not, I would hope that he would do it.

littlewonder -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 4:07:33 PM)
Sure there are times when I get angry over something and i can get a little loud and a little touchy with him about things but he just tells me to stop and that's it. I'm expected to stop and fix myself and take care of what's wrong. He's not going to do it for me. He expects me to be respectful to him at all times and if he had to tell me to stop quite often I have a feeling he'd tell me to straighten up or ship out. He puts up enough with childish behaviour with others around him. The last thing he wants when we're together is to always be correcting someone else.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 6:48:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Asherscorp1 If there is something a slave can't handle physically, emotionally, mentally he is there to ground her, encourage her, do whatever it takes to help her help herself and deal with the issue... ...wanted to know if others see it that way I subscribe to this view as well. [:)]

sunshinemiss -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 9:04:27 PM)
It sounds like you need some outside intervention. Just as it's silly to expect someone else to stabilize one's blood sugar as a diabetic, so too is it silly to expect someone else to stabilize one's mental health.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Inappropriate expectations? (9/5/2011 10:15:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss It sounds like you need some outside intervention. Just as it's silly to expect someone else to stabilize one's blood sugar as a diabetic, so too is it silly to expect someone else to stabilize one's mental health. It looks like you need to pull your head out of your ass and learn to READ... quote: ORIGINAL: Asherscorp1 I meant days where you/me/slave/sub whatever might just be having a rough patch. Not an entire life-crisis or an emotional dark-cloud fueled by depression or grief. Next time know the shot before opening your pie hole -- and book that intervention for yourself. SHOCKER, but any CARING partner (of the vanilla, bdsm, or other ilk), supports the one they're with during a "rough patch". [8\|][8\|][8\|]

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