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RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/13/2011 6:47:03 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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Saying thank you for the post that you wrote seems so small, but it's all I've got, so thank you. I'm an information freak, I try to learn all the time and delve into why and how. It tortures those who love me to no end because it's a trait that seems to be hard to understand going by the reactions I've had over the years. I can't really help the way my brain works though, I was born to scrutize things, what can I say...

A lot of what you wrote reminds me of the man I'm with, I can see he and I going to have a talk soon. I'd like to understand some things more from his point of view. Thank you for the opportunity to hopefully know him a little better.

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/14/2011 8:38:56 AM   
kalikshama


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Thanks Kana!

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/14/2011 9:43:54 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14415
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
Kana, that was fantastic! Thank you so much for sharing that.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/14/2011 12:31:47 PM   
DoesAsIAmTold


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/24/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

That's pretty much the standard slave/sub reaction.
WTF am I doing wrong" What could I do better. And nothing, I mean nothing, makes most s/s types more uncomfortable than having to ask/show/tell him what they want.
Hell, that defies the purpose. They want him to take, to hit that spot where they feel (and if playing with me case, are) helpless, where they succumb. It's who they are. It's why they are there.
That's the heart of all the shit that we do right there.





I think I'm in love

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/22/2011 4:06:13 PM   
Aswad


Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If a guy with little or no experience isn't conflicted about this I'd advise her to not get involved. That screams sociopath to me.

Boys are taught from toddlers on up that the worst thing they can do is hit a girl. Of course it takes a while to overcome that conditioning. To add to it the exception: unless she wants him to. Because talking about consent requires a lot more maturity than just setting up strict rules for kids to abide by.


I was a bit late to the party, I see.

I would comment on what you said here, though, as I wasn't taught this. I was taught the idea that violence is a last resort when other options fail, or are absent, and that one should pay attention to behavior and personality, rather than the gender. Also, I was taught about consent as a concept from an early age, the explanations elaborated upon as my capacity for abstract reasoning grew. I've a friend who does the same with his kid, and she is turning out quite mature for her age, one might even say a bit of a prodigy, so it seems a potentially sound (if rare) parenting approach.

As such, I would caution against leaping to the assumption that one is sociopathic for not being reluctant to start out with BDSM. There are still things to get used to, but understanding the idea of consent up front makes starting BDSM a thing that doesn't violate the morality one has internalized. By contrast, the one who is reluctant from the inflexible rules based rearinig that is prevalent will have to cross a line to get there, and if one doesn't then carefully attend to entraining a 'new' line (consent, rational play, etc.) just as firmly as the old one, that can make it easier to cross 'yet another line'.

I've seen at least one case where an initially reluctant player, having crossed one line, found it easy to cross another in the heat of the moment (specifically, consent), and later to keep crossing that one rather indiscriminately (i.e. regulated only by a realistic prospect of jail, or losing access to an interesting partner, with no 'internal' restraint against nonconsensual activities). That person enjoys a somewhat privileged position in the scene here, due to the 'no ripples' culture here, and mostly only ignoring consent with the newcomers to the scene (i.e. those more likely to ascribe it to a fault of their own, or to assume it goes hand in hand with kink generally, rather than realizing that the usual rules apply and that he's a guilty dick).

I'm sure the rule of thumb was well intentioned, but I'm not so sure taking things in stride- or at least not having the usual difficulties- should be seen as 'screaming sociopath'. If spotting sociopaths was that simple, there wouldn't be that many out there, and people wouldn't fall for them again and again. If one is looking for a rule of thumb, I would say it's more useful to look for someone that adapts very rapidly to it, compared to looking for someone who starts out less inhibited or less conflicted.

Just a thought.

Health,
al-Aswad.



_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do.
" -- Rorschack, Watchmen.


(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/22/2011 4:22:42 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
I was recently asked a question.

A woman keeps running across men who are uncomfortable with their Dom side.  As in, "I'm a good man, but I have a bad side, or underbelly." 

She's wondering if it's a safety issue as she explores her masochistic side.  I feel that this could actually be a positive as a sadist who feels conflicted will likely not go too far.

The other aspect is that outside of play, a conflicted Dom IMO may not be assertive enough for a sub.  Then again, we can't all be as unconflicted as Kana, for example.

Any thoughts?  Are you aware of any book, or site, that addresses the conflicted Dom? 

Yep: John Norman's Gor series. Mundane doms simply suffer from feminist cultural brain washing. "Come to Gor and be healed from that nonsense! Be a real man!" I guess that in some ways he was right in that.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/22/2011 4:23:19 PM   
sexyred1


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I just want to say that I wish more people had the self awareness that Kana has, and the honesty.

That was an awesome post.

(in reply to Aswad)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/22/2011 5:17:22 PM   
Aswad


Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

1-It’s hard to reconcile beating the woman you love to shit with being a decent man. In fact, it’s damn tough. [...] I used to crash real hard post play, emotional as well as mental crashes, much of which was rooted in the inherent conflict between caring and torture.
2-Being a good guy is averse to enforcing discipline. And this is huge. As in mammoth. When she fucked up, I wanted to cut her a break, and often did, because I wanted her to like me. And this was a major fuck up [...] when I was trying to be nice, to be a good guy and not enforcing rules/discipline, I was in actuality hurting her in myriad ways.


While the rest is familiar, I'm going to nod extra vigorously at these... painfully familiar hurdles. It actually still takes a lot of energy for me with the former, far more than she's really aware of, though I don't outright crash anymore. Playing with someone I don't have that bond to is less demanding, by far... not second guessing the distinction between what my feelings are, what feelings I project, and what feelings I read her as actually experiencing... it's a relief. I know I've been spot on as to the radar, but I've never been able to trust it as completely with her, despite it appearing to be accurate with her, too.

You've expressed some important things exceedingly well. I'm very impressed, and grateful you did put words to these things. I've seen a lot of it expressed elsewhere, but not in this kind of coherent collection that covers so much ground in one go, and covers it so well. Really. Hats off.

Any tips on the insecurities part?

I had fairly few as a kid, gained some growing up, lost those as an adult, especially after coping with shit, then gained a lot of new ones around the Nth time I had to redefine the scale, and have been stuck with those since. You seem to be saying the rough ride shaved down yours; my sincere apologies if I misunderstood that. My experience has been, with the rough ride coming later in life, that taking it in the face a few times too many has introduced insecurities I never used to have, and I'm having a hard time putting those in the ground. Perhaps I simply didn't survive in the long run, or have been too attached to things that aren't salvageable, or have less endurance than you do. Regardless, it's a bit of an issue for me now, and insights would be appreciated.

A series of intimate pictures of a girl I don't know- an experiment at a random bus stop encounter- tells me I can still take people places they wouldn't normally go. But the knowledge fails to take me there, and I'm finding it harder to go take charge, where I used to find it hard not to. Instead of debating how far to take it, knowing it'll be up to me because I have that effect on certain girls, I'm stuck second guessing, not expecting to see that instinctive compliance thing, not trusting my own qualities, and in general setting myself up to fail.

It's kind of frustrating, to say the least.

Health,
al-Aswad.



_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do.
" -- Rorschack, Watchmen.


(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/22/2011 6:54:57 PM   
Aswad


Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

Yep: John Norman's Gor series. Mundane doms simply suffer from feminist cultural brain washing. "Come to Gor and be healed from that nonsense! Be a real man!" I guess that in some ways he was right in that.


The first book, at least, sort of touches on the topic, with a slavegirl trying to get the protagonist in touch with that side of himself, and the protagonist taking his sweet time realizing that when life hands you eggs, you make omelettes. It kind of gets lost in some of the parody on contemporary feminist assertions; i.e. that sex and marriage are the tool and institution of slavery, respectively.

Which is not to say he did the best job of it, but most 'mundane' guys I have met would have been embarassed to pick up a Harlequin or the like for themselves. I have commented before that the series actually has a sufficient similarity to such literature- in that aspect of it- that I would not be surprised to learn that his wife wrote the bulk, while he wrote the filler material, the series gradually progressing toward the filler as content and the erotic bulk taking more of a back seat.

Unfortunately, he also misses the point with a lot of what he writes.

For instance, the most glaringly obvious aspect in the series is the whole slavery thing. Let's disregard for a moment that there are figures given for the percentage of the population, ranging from 1 in 10 to 1 in 20, making it clear that he's just devoting more time to a small part of the setting to sell more books. Let's also disregard that he notes they have as many male slaves as female slaves (indeed, it is observed, as it was in Rome, presumably the inspiration, that if one enforced a dress code for them, there would be a slave revolt upon their realization of their own numbers). Let's also disregard how many readers miss, or intentionally overlook, the part where he notes that there's plenty of free men who actually quite enjoy bottoming in private. It's clear most readers miss as much as the author. The readers, at least, have incentive to do so (it legitimizes something certain guys can't claim on their own merits; a surefire way to land oneself in a collar in the series, ironically enough). The author does not have that excuse.

Let's consider the parodied claim that marriage is tantamount to slavery, or even slavery by another name. Sexual capital is a theory that has a pretty solid basis, at least in its most basic sense: women have inherent capital by way of sexuality, to an extent that outstrips what men have. Sexual liberation equates, in this regard, to a free market. Free markets obey various rules, some of which are decidedly overlapping with evolutionary theory, also a theory on solid grounds. That happens to introduce a problem: all trees must grow to their maximum height, because any tree not doing so will be at a disadvantage, while all trees are disadvantaged by growing that tall, leading to a maximally harmful scenario for all the trees as the inevitable consequence without imposed regulation.

This applies to women, as well. Without imposed regulation on the 'sexual market', they bring sexual capital to the table in any competitive scenario, and essentially all scenarios are competitive in one form or another. This means the women that are not willing to put in their sexual capital along with the rest of their bid in a bidding war will be at a disadvantage. The consequence is that, increasingly, women put in what they have in an unregulated arms race. As a result, women are objectified, their status reduced to mere objects of commerce, gradually forced to give away their sexual capital for no other gain than remaining in the race to the bottom (pardon the pun).

Where I live, acceptable party wear is directly derived from porn, primarily 70's movies. It's what the actresses would be wearing, singling them out from the 'respectable' women in the background already during the brief, usually contrived and universally unimaginative introductions to the movie. It's the stuff that would tell the guys these were the ones ready to give it all away for free.

And now it's what you have to wear if you want to be in the race.

Somehow, it doesn't seem to register that the annual doubling of sexual assault cases centers on perpetrators in the age group that grew up with those movies, and presumably internalized that set of expectations, conditioned by those exact same fashions that are now "the thing to wear". Hell, I catch myself making just that association. And not just because we've used the style as 'slut wear' (for which it is eminently suited).

In a scene, it is cool to send the signal "I'm depraved, horny, and need someone- anyone- to do me now". Sending the same signal in a dark back alley, drunk out of your wits, missing a heel and wondering how to get your panties back on (too far gone to realize that will involve removing the fishnets or laddered stockings) after peeing in the street in full view of random passerby... well, not so much.

We can of course argue that men should attend deprogramming sessions to undo the conditioned association, or that the association should not exist, but that isn't going to happen, and the fashions are derived from there for a reason: just that association. They will just keep tracking whatever sends the same signal, with people continuing to be oblivious to the (often, perhaps usually) unintended communication taking place.

We can also argue that men should have more wits about them than the aforementioned stereotypical drunk girl on her way home, and that there should also be no men with the impulses (and lack of restraint) to commit sexual assault. That won't happen, either, as normal male sexuality is inextricably linked to the conquest drive, and as any number of women can attest, men usually have a soft (hard?) spot for women. Unfortunate in a civilized society, but some people will see meat on display (arguably a factual observation), and assume it's for sale. Communicating a price tag that says "no cost" does little to improve on the resulting situation.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not assigning women the blame here.

The burglar that breaks into your home is the criminal, whether you lock the door or not.

Yet most of us lock the door, wear the safety belts in the car, and look out for traffic when we cross the road. It's because what we stand to lose is worth the precautions. When I stop for an aggressive truck driver in traffic, it isn't because he's in the right- he isn't. It's because being right will matter very little to me in the morgue after getting hit by that truck, and neither of us gains anything from whatever guilt the truck driver might spend his life carrying around afterwards. When I put up the fire alarm, it's not because it lowers my insurance policy, but because I donr't care to die in a housefire.

Maybe being raped isn't as big a loss as having our homes broken into; the signal being communicated certainly tends to be that a rather low value is put on it. But I don't buy that. Most women react worse to being raped than being robbed or having their homes broken into. Maybe the illusion of civility makes us deny that the risk can be rationally managed in the same way as all other risks, or deny that there is always a disparity between rights afforded and rights accorded.

Or maybe the greater problem is in the nature of the beast: a race to the bottom, where everyone loses.

This is inherently addressed in the Gor setting, but any analysis is completely omitted in all the various diatribes on subjects the author finds interesting. As in all female dominated societies (of which Gor is arguably one), women are driving factors in imposing regulation on the sexual market. Anyone willing to give away their sexuality ends up in a collar. Anyone willing to sell for coin it ends up in a collar. Neither group is allowed to participate in procreation. The market on that is cornered by the free women.

It's nothing new. Women have always opposed prostitution, and fostered the idea that some women are 'sluts' and thus not good enough, starting with "not good enough for my son" and progressing through highschool gossip and cliques, arriving at adult scorn, rejection and legislation. The trend is especially prevalent in societies where men are the main breadwinners (a situation most women seem to favor), and particularly so where women have limited freedom (this is sometimes the price implicitly paid for having a monopoly position). Men copy this, appropriating the standards set by women, and look down on prostitutes and 'sluts'. The order of the chicken and the egg has been resolved in studies on this. And it doesn't take more than a quick glance back through history to see that it's a pretty universal trend in most cultures at most times.

I'm not going to complain about sexual capital and evolutionary pressures leading to a competition where women lose by choice, and where women are progressively forced into a state tantamount to slavery, again by choice. The reasons I will not complain about that are simple:

(a) Women can choose to make their own choices or not. On the whole, women have made the choice to make their own choices. I will not refuse to respect that choice, nor treat them as incompetents or children who need to be shielded from the consequences of their own actions. I don't impose those consequences. Reality manages causality very well.

(b) As a man, I benefit from this state of affairs. Quite simply put, there's more and more meat on the market, and already everyone is looking to offer more meat and better meat at ever decreasing prices. If allowed to continue, the unregulated sexual market will end up with all the meat being free, and the competition to offer more and better will go on. A meager few decades from now, if I'm not showing my conservative nature by assuming it will take that long, any man that is at least moderately desireable will be able to expect the average woman to do a threeway blowjob after anal simply cause anything less will be nonparticipation in the mating game. That's not a situation I mind, save that my cock will get quite tired after a while.

This aspect of the question of regulation of female sexuality is glossed over, and I don't buy that it's what the author has hinted at with the commentary about slavery bringing freedom (there's other interpretations that are far more likely, and far better evidenced in the story, all of which are fairly superficial; and there's plenty of common interpretations that are plausible, but less likely to be intended, usually slightly less superficial).

So, no, I wouldn't say the Gor series addresses any topic very well, least of all what it takes for a man to come into his own as the dominant party in a relationship with a submissive woman (or even a slave), and all that is addressed gets lost in erotica, romance and a completely shallow and uninsightful parody of a patently absurd contemporary assertion that anyway was no longer fashionable by the time he got to the later books.

My self-identification as Gorean has to do with some others who identify as such, and that the juxtaposition of topics in the book has provided the catalyst for those individuals to think along certain lines that have led them to a reasonably congruent set of beliefs that happen to be closer to my own than what else I've seen out there. I can't claim kinship of that sort with anyone who isn't actively looking beyond that initial nudge in a certain direction. Sadly, most who identify by the label are precisely stuck in a 'scriptural' interpretation of the books, rather than attending to their key point about advocating self inspection, or grasping the point of the elements common to the historical cultures that inspired the fictional ones. Informally, me and my dear tend to refer to those as 'gorbangers', and for a time, they were rarer here than elsewhere.

I can't claim any ultimate authority with regard to the books, but my distinct opinion is that they offer only a most cursory treatment of this topic, fail to address their main topics, and have little to offer a dominant struggling with realizing his own nature, save to catalyze the initiation of thought processes that may eventually lead in that direction.

Actually of raising that topic, and others, is the main merit of those books, IMO.

Whether that is unintentional, I am less certain about.

Health,
al-Aswad.

P.S.: Pardon the circuitous route. I hope it wasn't too far off-topic overall. Replies should probably go to a seperate thread to avoid derailing.



_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do.
" -- Rorschack, Watchmen.


(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/22/2011 8:03:05 PM   
sheisreeds


Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
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>She's wondering if it's a safety issue as she explores her masochistic side. I feel that this could actually be a positive as a sadist who feels conflicted will likely not go too far.

I would fear the opposite. It's hard to be in touch when you're conflicted and confused. It is easy to not be in contact with your partner. Being conflicted and confused often unintentionally leads to being self absorbed. Dangerous in any sort of sadistic play.

That being said we've all been there. It's important to be able to talk it out and figure it out. If the conflicted dom is inserting this into conversation, as long as it stays in the conversation and she feels comfortable to contributing to the dialogue everyone has a lot to learn.

> The other aspect is that outside of play, a conflicted Dom IMO may not be assertive enough for a sub. Then again, we can't all be as unconflicted as Kana, for example.

If she is conflicted too it might be a good place to learn. If she is still becoming comfortable with her role and her needs, some flexibility isn't terrible, but again there has to be a willingness to have an ongoing dialogue about it.

> Any thoughts? Are you aware of any book, or site, that addresses the conflicted Dom?

I'm bad I don't read many books on kink ;) The greatest resource has always been members of my community, and the most valuable resource has always been my partners. This stuff is so individual. We are all so different.

I have always been better able to understand my stories through the stories of others.

Kana's Post hits some very important points. As cliche as the term has become in BDSM, this really is a journey of self awareness. We should always be growing insight into ourselves, and learning how to do this better and in a way that is more fulfilling. It doesn't matter the role, learning and insight always matters.

For me? Discovering my inner sadist was terrifying. I was always feisty but there was something very different about recognizing I got joy out of hurting my partners, not just out of retaliation, but for the sheer enjoyment of it. I went through all sorts of phases with it. I spent a long time as "just a sub", "mostly sub", and through my current relationship was able to really come to terms with the sadist in me.

It was a worthwhile fight, I feel much more whole as a human being. Though it was always a dialogue, "why are you holding back?", "I don't want to hurt you.", "it hurts me when you don't, I need it like you do." Was kinda of my "oh shit!" moment. I was then providing something he needed.

The other really important thing, is that this isn't just about kink. So much of me figuring myself out, just like anyone else, was working on my whole person, not just the kink. We all have an overriding set of ethics, morals, mores, personality traits, interests, traumas, successes, strengths, blindspots. This is about God, school, that amazing career, the daily grind, our favorite pulp fiction, and Sunday Night football. We're also rarely ever conflicted in one space in life. Being conflicted about being a dom is just a symptom of a greater disease, one we all got, and we'll all be curing it the rest of our lives.

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in



You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/22/2011 9:58:47 PM   
delilahdelight


Posts: 33
Joined: 11/3/2011
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It seems to me that the conflict is a necessary part of the journey. Without that experience, one would continually pass by the same spot, thinking, "haven't I been here before?"

I got so much more than I expected when I walked through the door of this thread. Love it when that happens.

(in reply to sheisreeds)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/26/2011 11:00:23 AM   
housemouse22


Posts: 8
Joined: 11/23/2011
Status: offline
For me, I sort of get off on watching that conflict arise in a man. That is part of the fun for me as a submissive masochist. I like wondering how far he is willing to go. I have learned that both masochists and sadists, submissives and doms have their boundaries, a line that once they cross, they feel either a burst of euphoria or discomfort (in which case it is better to backstep a bit). I respect the limits of the man I am with, and never expect him do do something that will make him feel guilty later. He is entitled to his limits. But yes, I get off on watching him push them, just like he likes watching me pushed to the limit.

< Message edited by housemouse22 -- 11/26/2011 11:01:12 AM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/27/2011 7:21:25 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6674
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: housemouse22

For me, I sort of get off on watching that conflict arise in a man. That is part of the fun for me as a submissive masochist. I like wondering how far he is willing to go. I have learned that both masochists and sadists, submissives and doms have their boundaries, a line that once they cross, they feel either a burst of euphoria or discomfort (in which case it is better to backstep a bit). I respect the limits of the man I am with, and never expect him do do something that will make him feel guilty later. He is entitled to his limits. But yes, I get off on watching him push them, just like he likes watching me pushed to the limit.


OK. That's all sorts of hot.

What a great freaking post from the other side o`the kneel.
I've played with gals like this. When done right, oh my, what a dynamic loop this can form. Absolute ecstasy.



_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to housemouse22)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/27/2011 8:15:08 AM   
Duskypearls


Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aswad

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

Yep: John Norman's Gor series. Mundane doms simply suffer from feminist cultural brain washing. "Come to Gor and be healed from that nonsense! Be a real man!" I guess that in some ways he was right in that.


The first book, at least, sort of touches on the topic, with a slavegirl trying to get the protagonist in touch with that side of himself, and the protagonist taking his sweet time realizing that when life hands you eggs, you make omelettes. It kind of gets lost in some of the parody on contemporary feminist assertions; i.e. that sex and marriage are the tool and institution of slavery, respectively.

Which is not to say he did the best job of it, but most 'mundane' guys I have met would have been embarassed to pick up a Harlequin or the like for themselves. I have commented before that the series actually has a sufficient similarity to such literature- in that aspect of it- that I would not be surprised to learn that his wife wrote the bulk, while he wrote the filler material, the series gradually progressing toward the filler as content and the erotic bulk taking more of a back seat.

Unfortunately, he also misses the point with a lot of what he writes.

For instance, the most glaringly obvious aspect in the series is the whole slavery thing. Let's disregard for a moment that there are figures given for the percentage of the population, ranging from 1 in 10 to 1 in 20, making it clear that he's just devoting more time to a small part of the setting to sell more books. Let's also disregard that he notes they have as many male slaves as female slaves (indeed, it is observed, as it was in Rome, presumably the inspiration, that if one enforced a dress code for them, there would be a slave revolt upon their realization of their own numbers). Let's also disregard how many readers miss, or intentionally overlook, the part where he notes that there's plenty of free men who actually quite enjoy bottoming in private. It's clear most readers miss as much as the author. The readers, at least, have incentive to do so (it legitimizes something certain guys can't claim on their own merits; a surefire way to land oneself in a collar in the series, ironically enough). The author does not have that excuse.

Let's consider the parodied claim that marriage is tantamount to slavery, or even slavery by another name. Sexual capital is a theory that has a pretty solid basis, at least in its most basic sense: women have inherent capital by way of sexuality, to an extent that outstrips what men have. Sexual liberation equates, in this regard, to a free market. Free markets obey various rules, some of which are decidedly overlapping with evolutionary theory, also a theory on solid grounds. That happens to introduce a problem: all trees must grow to their maximum height, because any tree not doing so will be at a disadvantage, while all trees are disadvantaged by growing that tall, leading to a maximally harmful scenario for all the trees as the inevitable consequence without imposed regulation.

This applies to women, as well. Without imposed regulation on the 'sexual market', they bring sexual capital to the table in any competitive scenario, and essentially all scenarios are competitive in one form or another. This means the women that are not willing to put in their sexual capital along with the rest of their bid in a bidding war will be at a disadvantage. The consequence is that, increasingly, women put in what they have in an unregulated arms race. As a result, women are objectified, their status reduced to mere objects of commerce, gradually forced to give away their sexual capital for no other gain than remaining in the race to the bottom (pardon the pun).

Where I live, acceptable party wear is directly derived from porn, primarily 70's movies. It's what the actresses would be wearing, singling them out from the 'respectable' women in the background already during the brief, usually contrived and universally unimaginative introductions to the movie. It's the stuff that would tell the guys these were the ones ready to give it all away for free.

And now it's what you have to wear if you want to be in the race.

Somehow, it doesn't seem to register that the annual doubling of sexual assault cases centers on perpetrators in the age group that grew up with those movies, and presumably internalized that set of expectations, conditioned by those exact same fashions that are now "the thing to wear". Hell, I catch myself making just that association. And not just because we've used the style as 'slut wear' (for which it is eminently suited).

In a scene, it is cool to send the signal "I'm depraved, horny, and need someone- anyone- to do me now". Sending the same signal in a dark back alley, drunk out of your wits, missing a heel and wondering how to get your panties back on (too far gone to realize that will involve removing the fishnets or laddered stockings) after peeing in the street in full view of random passerby... well, not so much.

We can of course argue that men should attend deprogramming sessions to undo the conditioned association, or that the association should not exist, but that isn't going to happen, and the fashions are derived from there for a reason: just that association. They will just keep tracking whatever sends the same signal, with people continuing to be oblivious to the (often, perhaps usually) unintended communication taking place.

We can also argue that men should have more wits about them than the aforementioned stereotypical drunk girl on her way home, and that there should also be no men with the impulses (and lack of restraint) to commit sexual assault. That won't happen, either, as normal male sexuality is inextricably linked to the conquest drive, and as any number of women can attest, men usually have a soft (hard?) spot for women. Unfortunate in a civilized society, but some people will see meat on display (arguably a factual observation), and assume it's for sale. Communicating a price tag that says "no cost" does little to improve on the resulting situation.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not assigning women the blame here.

The burglar that breaks into your home is the criminal, whether you lock the door or not.

Yet most of us lock the door, wear the safety belts in the car, and look out for traffic when we cross the road. It's because what we stand to lose is worth the precautions. When I stop for an aggressive truck driver in traffic, it isn't because he's in the right- he isn't. It's because being right will matter very little to me in the morgue after getting hit by that truck, and neither of us gains anything from whatever guilt the truck driver might spend his life carrying around afterwards. When I put up the fire alarm, it's not because it lowers my insurance policy, but because I donr't care to die in a housefire.

Maybe being raped isn't as big a loss as having our homes broken into; the signal being communicated certainly tends to be that a rather low value is put on it. But I don't buy that. Most women react worse to being raped than being robbed or having their homes broken into. Maybe the illusion of civility makes us deny that the risk can be rationally managed in the same way as all other risks, or deny that there is always a disparity between rights afforded and rights accorded.

Or maybe the greater problem is in the nature of the beast: a race to the bottom, where everyone loses.

This is inherently addressed in the Gor setting, but any analysis is completely omitted in all the various diatribes on subjects the author finds interesting. As in all female dominated societies (of which Gor is arguably one), women are driving factors in imposing regulation on the sexual market. Anyone willing to give away their sexuality ends up in a collar. Anyone willing to sell for coin it ends up in a collar. Neither group is allowed to participate in procreation. The market on that is cornered by the free women.

It's nothing new. Women have always opposed prostitution, and fostered the idea that some women are 'sluts' and thus not good enough, starting with "not good enough for my son" and progressing through highschool gossip and cliques, arriving at adult scorn, rejection and legislation. The trend is especially prevalent in societies where men are the main breadwinners (a situation most women seem to favor), and particularly so where women have limited freedom (this is sometimes the price implicitly paid for having a monopoly position). Men copy this, appropriating the standards set by women, and look down on prostitutes and 'sluts'. The order of the chicken and the egg has been resolved in studies on this. And it doesn't take more than a quick glance back through history to see that it's a pretty universal trend in most cultures at most times.

I'm not going to complain about sexual capital and evolutionary pressures leading to a competition where women lose by choice, and where women are progressively forced into a state tantamount to slavery, again by choice. The reasons I will not complain about that are simple:

(a) Women can choose to make their own choices or not. On the whole, women have made the choice to make their own choices. I will not refuse to respect that choice, nor treat them as incompetents or children who need to be shielded from the consequences of their own actions. I don't impose those consequences. Reality manages causality very well.

(b) As a man, I benefit from this state of affairs. Quite simply put, there's more and more meat on the market, and already everyone is looking to offer more meat and better meat at ever decreasing prices. If allowed to continue, the unregulated sexual market will end up with all the meat being free, and the competition to offer more and better will go on. A meager few decades from now, if I'm not showing my conservative nature by assuming it will take that long, any man that is at least moderately desireable will be able to expect the average woman to do a threeway blowjob after anal simply cause anything less will be nonparticipation in the mating game. That's not a situation I mind, save that my cock will get quite tired after a while.

This aspect of the question of regulation of female sexuality is glossed over, and I don't buy that it's what the author has hinted at with the commentary about slavery bringing freedom (there's other interpretations that are far more likely, and far better evidenced in the story, all of which are fairly superficial; and there's plenty of common interpretations that are plausible, but less likely to be intended, usually slightly less superficial).

So, no, I wouldn't say the Gor series addresses any topic very well, least of all what it takes for a man to come into his own as the dominant party in a relationship with a submissive woman (or even a slave), and all that is addressed gets lost in erotica, romance and a completely shallow and uninsightful parody of a patently absurd contemporary assertion that anyway was no longer fashionable by the time he got to the later books.

My self-identification as Gorean has to do with some others who identify as such, and that the juxtaposition of topics in the book has provided the catalyst for those individuals to think along certain lines that have led them to a reasonably congruent set of beliefs that happen to be closer to my own than what else I've seen out there. I can't claim kinship of that sort with anyone who isn't actively looking beyond that initial nudge in a certain direction. Sadly, most who identify by the label are precisely stuck in a 'scriptural' interpretation of the books, rather than attending to their key point about advocating self inspection, or grasping the point of the elements common to the historical cultures that inspired the fictional ones. Informally, me and my dear tend to refer to those as 'gorbangers', and for a time, they were rarer here than elsewhere.

I can't claim any ultimate authority with regard to the books, but my distinct opinion is that they offer only a most cursory treatment of this topic, fail to address their main topics, and have little to offer a dominant struggling with realizing his own nature, save to catalyze the initiation of thought processes that may eventually lead in that direction.

Actually of raising that topic, and others, is the main merit of those books, IMO.

Whether that is unintentional, I am less certain about.

Health,
al-Aswad.

P.S.: Pardon the circuitous route. I hope it wasn't too far off-topic overall. Replies should probably go to a seperate thread to avoid derailing.




A meaty post, and food for thought.

(in reply to Aswad)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/27/2011 8:21:56 AM   
LillyBoPeep


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True, Duskypearls. :) you can always cound on Aswad for that.

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"Obey your Master." Metallica


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RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/27/2011 9:45:28 AM   
sheisreeds


Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
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As a general response to this thread:
There is a difference with feeling conflicted about who you are and your role, and feeling conflicted about various actions related to that role.

Conflict about what we do is healthy so long as we are not conflicted about who we are. In my opinion that shit should be secure before anything happens. We are never 100% confident with ourselves, but it needs to be enough to be able to be respectful to those we involved with. To not be sure if you are ok with being a dom, and having a submissive is saying you're not sure you're ok with having a submissive. It clouds the foundation of the relationship.

However, feeling conflicted about various acts is good. It provides healthy hesitation before wailing on someone. It is what gives this love and empathy.

I love that my relationship allows me to push those limits in a healthy way. I love constantly being able to stretch myself a little further. I love how he does the same, I love being able to grant him that permission. I love that we can be strong for each other, and provide moments of stability as the other grows.

And then those moments when everything just grooves seamlessly at a whole new level due to shared experience, and growth. Dancing the steps with confidence. I went from never owning a knife and being scared of them, to the knife becoming an extension of my hand, I know the blade as well as I know my fingers. I know how to make it feel good, I know how to make it hurt, I know how to hurt with it, control behavior with it, and scare the shit out of someone. All this knowledge built up out of moments of hesitation, feeling conflicted. What if I really hurt him? What if it hurts to much? What does it mean to me? Passing through those moments led me to where I am now.

But before I went down that road I had a solid foundation on who I was. Before I sought out a solid relationship in BDSM, I had a good footing on who I was, and I embraced all that meant. My partner did as well.

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in



You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
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RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/27/2011 9:47:58 AM   
LillyBoPeep


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Reeds, you have an excellent noggin. :)

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"Obey your Master." Metallica


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RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/27/2011 9:57:14 AM   
Kana


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Joined: 10/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

Reeds, you have an excellent noggin. :)

And some other tasty bits, too!


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HST

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/27/2011 11:52:07 AM   
sheisreeds


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Joined: 7/8/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep
Reeds, you have an excellent noggin. :)

And some other tasty bits, too!


I didn't come into this smart, I stumbled my way in and out, and crash landed back in again ;) I'm also still always learning I am not who I want to be, I try to treat everything as a lesson, and work to remain self aware.

I was dumb enough to not realize that something I like is something I need. Hurt a few people in the process, and the whole mess ended in divorce. I'm thankful for the 3+ years of consistently heading in the right direction.

Re: Kana . . . .

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aswad
Playing with someone I don't have that bond to is less demanding, by far... not second guessing the distinction between what my feelings are, what feelings I project, and what feelings I read her as actually experiencing... it's a relief. I know I've been spot on as to the radar, but I've never been able to trust it as completely with her, despite it appearing to be accurate with her, too.


While love is wonderful, love is hard. Though it's not about appearances, it's about words too. It's about talking about it, understanding each others reasons for doing this crazy thing we do. We talk about everything. There is too much room for error when it's left to being a guessing game.

I've got my intimacy issues too, when it's love so much becomes harder. I've got a switch in my head I can flip and not be impacted. Though when I care about the person I care enough to want it all to be me, fully in the moment, and then I have to face the scariest thing on earth, vulnerability.

quote:


Any tips on the insecurities part?

I had fairly few as a kid, gained some growing up, lost those as an adult, especially after coping with shit, then gained a lot of new ones around the Nth time I had to redefine the scale, and have been stuck with those since. You seem to be saying the rough ride shaved down yours; my sincere apologies if I misunderstood that. My experience has been, with the rough ride coming later in life, that taking it in the face a few times too many has introduced insecurities I never used to have, and I'm having a hard time putting those in the ground. Perhaps I simply didn't survive in the long run, or have been too attached to things that aren't salvageable, or have less endurance than you do. Regardless, it's a bit of an issue for me now, and insights would be appreciated.


Speaking for my own rough ride and lessons learned. For me the risks were to high to ever go back. My insecurities were literally killing me. It was get better or die. (For context, 4 years ago I was reaching the endgame of a decade of depression and PTSD). It didn't make the work any less difficult, it just made the work more necessary.

A lot of it was being willing to swallow that a lot of my ideas about life and about myself were just fucking wrong. That I was what I feared being the most, a flipping idiot. That I had done what I had feared the most, hurt other people. That things I had want for in life I only didn't have because of my own barriers and obstacles. I had to take my own medicine and get over myself.

The cool part was the process reduced me to the primordial soup of me, and I got to figure out who I wanted to be, and what I wanted my life to look like.

The work fucking sucks though. It's all about recognizing that the boogie man is real, and that you are the boogie man. Not the kind of adrenalin I like.

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in



You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to Aswad)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: A Dom who feels guilty about being one? - 11/27/2011 12:12:18 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6674
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

sheisReeds
I've got a switch in my head I can flip and not be impacted.

Hey, I gotta the psycho switch too. I flick it, and just get all sorts of cold. Once I'm in that zone, I can do just about anything to anyone and not feel to much impact.
It's kinda scary, actually, especially when I was young and all sorts of violent cuz I didn't know how to deal with shit.

< Message edited by Kana -- 11/27/2011 12:13:32 PM >


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to sheisreeds)
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