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RE: desperate and depressed - 11/12/2011 11:20:29 AM

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lol okay. I love giving gifts but i love receiving them too no matter what type of value they have and i can't imaging having such antagonism towards people i love with regard to giving them gifts, whether they have monetary value, love value, help value or whatever. The day i become bitter about it is the day i won't do it anymore -- nothing obligates me to give presents no matter what the value.

You just seemed really bitter about your gifts to your family and how they may react etc. And to me, if it causes anyone that much angst -- why do it?

angel

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to LaTigresse)

RE: desperate and depressed - 11/12/2011 11:24:05 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: hausboy

I've been working on becoming a minimalist as part of my own spiritual path for the past year or so (from being a pack rat, no less!) and these days, it's all about the experience as the gift and not a material "thing". I no longer need or want gifts (in the traditional sense).... I've asked my brother's wife (who is obsessed with material gift giving) to please stop buying me gifts for the holiday. I've given her a list of my favorite charities....which she ignores....and I've even tried asking for consumables (cookies, homemade...no tin or packaging)...and that was ignored too. I was told I was being selfish because I was depriving her of HER experience of shopping, which she enjoys. My ex-wife and her family were also obsessed with gifts....rarely practical or useful...and over the past year, I've sold or donated virtually everything they ever gave me.

Time IS the gift. spending time with those you love, doing things you enjoy, is far more precious a commodity than anything you could ever purchase or create.

I wouldn't use the term "selfish" but in a sense, if that is what she enjoys (and many people do), you are depriving her of a part of what she enjoys for the holiday.

You can only express your desires to others in terms of gift receiving/giving. After that, the best thing you can do is smile, say thank you and appreciate, that as misguided the gift may be, the giver put thoughts of you into buying. Then sell or donate as you have been.

(in reply to hausboy)

RE: desperate and depressed - 11/12/2011 11:31:04 AM

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OP, you can go to a park on Christmas day, bring some hot coco maybe spiked with some liquor, and take a walk together bring your phones and take pictures, if there is snow make a snowman and take a picture posing with it. If not, play on a playground and take those silly pictures of each other and together. Then come home and print them out, and laugh about them somemore over a bottle of wine etc. Carve your initials in a tree, make a I love you sign out of leaves or in the snow. With this day and age wherein work always takes up so much time for people, take this one day wherein you simply enjoy each other all day doing silly and unusual things.

You can map out a route and make it a kiss scavenger hunt - hell ask your friends to help you by making up clues, or you do one and he does another etc and then exchange them and you have to figure out the clues he has made and visa versa, you have to find these specific places and take a pic of you two kissing at each place ON Christmas day.

That is a gift of life, love, and laughter you two shared on your first Christmas together. I do get you want to give him something tangible but as many have pointed out, gifts come in the most unusual way.

Enjoy yourselves, laugh a lot, exhaust yourselves doing silly things together so you then can snuggle together at night and sign with contentment that you made a great day.

As for your family and friends, have a pot luck where everyone brings a dish and a handmade/homemade gift and do a pot luck gift thingy.

Gifts aren't the evil of all evils and they don't have to be expensive or even have a monetary value, be together and enjoy your first Christmas together in an unusual way.

angel

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to hausboy)

RE: desperate and depressed - 11/12/2011 11:47:51 AM

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quote:

You can only express your desires to others in terms of gift receiving/giving. After that, the best thing you can do is smile, say thank you and appreciate, that as misguided the gift may be, the giver put thoughts of you into buying. Then sell or donate as you have been.

This. Hausboy, i feel your pain so to speak. My aunt is the same way. So what i started was a tradition with her because i know how she LOVES to shop. Every year, she picks 2 kids and one elderly person's angel off the trees for me and that is my Christmas gift from her. We make it a huge deal. She gets to shop her heart out for these people and she takes pictures of what she bought as they have to be given back to the facility before Christmas. And every year, she takes the pictures of the gifts and the little angel certificate saying who it was for etc, wraps them up for me every year. Every year, i can't wait to receive her gift because while its nothing for me, its everything to me. This way it allows her to shop, and allows me to enjoy her gift more than i would by getting something i really don't need. Perhaps you could start something like that with her. One year lol she sent me a picture of a puppy with a big bow on it. She sent it to me saying -- Merry Christmas angel, meet your christmas present of a foster puppy until it can go to a home right after Christmas. I swear that dog went to its new home with so much stuff it was hilarious.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 11/12/2011 11:49:07 AM >

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to barelynangel)

RE: desperate and depressed - 11/12/2011 11:57:49 AM

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Joined: 9/25/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hausboy

I've been working on becoming a minimalist as part of my own spiritual path for the past year or so

I would love to hear more about that, and your path. If you are ever in the mood to tell your story, please cmail me!

(in reply to hausboy)

RE: desperate and depressed - 11/12/2011 12:18:41 PM

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Joined: 9/5/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

quote:

ORIGINAL: hausboy

I've been working on becoming a minimalist as part of my own spiritual path for the past year or so (from being a pack rat, no less!) and these days, it's all about the experience as the gift and not a material "thing". I no longer need or want gifts (in the traditional sense).... I've asked my brother's wife (who is obsessed with material gift giving) to please stop buying me gifts for the holiday. I've given her a list of my favorite charities....which she ignores....and I've even tried asking for consumables (cookies, homemade...no tin or packaging)...and that was ignored too. I was told I was being selfish because I was depriving her of HER experience of shopping, which she enjoys. My ex-wife and her family were also obsessed with gifts....rarely practical or useful...and over the past year, I've sold or donated virtually everything they ever gave me.

Time IS the gift. spending time with those you love, doing things you enjoy, is far more precious a commodity than anything you could ever purchase or create.

I wouldn't use the term "selfish" but in a sense, if that is what she enjoys (and many people do), you are depriving her of a part of what she enjoys for the holiday.

You can only express your desires to others in terms of gift receiving/giving. After that, the best thing you can do is smile, say thank you and appreciate, that as misguided the gift may be, the giver put thoughts of you into buying. Then sell or donate as you have been.

I can hear that....but.... then again.... what is the part that she truly enjoys? the act of shopping? is it the act of giving the gift or the satisfaction of giving when you put thought into it? I'm always gracious...even though one year I was given a 44" belt (I wear a 30")...which makes me wonder exactly HOW much thought is going into it?

Look, I like giving gifts because I love to see the person's reaction, and know that they can use what I've given them (I'm a Taurus...practicality is a "thing" you know?) But if someone says to me "instead of gifts, would you consider donating to my favorite charity this year, I'm more than happy. I love barelynangel's idea--maybe I just need to ask her to shop for someone else on my behalf...

I just thought that when you give a gift, it's to make the recipient happy, and the joy you get from giving is just a nice added bonus.

there is one caveat: one year, I asked my ex what she wanted for her birthday and she said "oh nothing! there's really nothing I want...just your love..." Can't believe I fell for that. Boy, was she pissed. I learned the hard way that "nothing" was code for "I want a romantic dinner, jewelry, flowers, mushy card and a big party."

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

RE: desperate and depressed - 11/12/2011 12:23:29 PM

SubtleDifference

Posts: 64
Joined: 3/6/2007
From: NJ
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I agree with others regarding gifts.

But if you are looking for a solution with a tight budget, you wouldn't believe the impact a $20 gift can make on loved ones when you put the love into the gift and not into the amount of it.

A few years ago, money was extremely tight and with a large family gift-giving was going to be difficult. So I created a calendar of the upcoming year for each one of my family members with a service online. Each month was dedicated to one member of the family. I collected a bunch of photos of each person from our past times together - some funny, some touching, some milestones - and wrote little things under those pictures that would hold special meaning to them.

The calendar was also filled with birthdays, anniversaries & funny reminders. The cost came out to $16.95 a calendar plus shipping.

It's been about 4 years now and each person still has the calendar. Some have left it intact in a keepsake box, another framed each of the glossy picture pages of the calendar into a collage for their home. I have one family member who refuses to take it off the wall as they told me it gives them a smile to start each month with such wonderful memories.

It was the least expensive gift giving Christmas and the most memorable...and now we've all continued the tradition. Every year we forsake the Christmas rush of gifts and we get creative on what we give. (customized computer mouse pads, mugs with a family saying on it, etc.)

It's personalized without having the need to have creative hands, just a creative mind. They don't remember the gifts where I spent a great deal of money, they remember the Christmas when I gave a gift from my heart...and they had something to unwrap under the tree. :)

Good luck.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

RE: desperate and depressed - 11/12/2011 1:24:14 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Handmade gifts are great if one is good at making them. Sir and I aren't talented at that. I'd be ok with a broke Christmas for one year, two years, whatever. I'm not ok with this because it's our first Christmas as a married couple. Every year isn't a couple's first Christmas. That only happens once.

Do you fucking realize that most folks are broke on their first Christmas? You are beginning to build a life together.

Gawd almighty, I could type so much, but, I love not getting the gold letters.

You choose your attitude every day when you get up out of the bed. Just because you choose to be a grinch does not mean it is anyone's fault except your own.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_2295308/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#2295308

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3236964/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#3236964

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3574497/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#3574497

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3381011/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#3381011

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3769530/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#3769530

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3792352/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#3792352

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3890625/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#3890625

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yep

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RE: desperate and depressed - 11/12/2011 1:25:22 PM

agirl

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No idea.

My daughter has had two strokes and works in a bingo hall. She's beloved. The old ladies adore her because she KNOWS what it's like to to suffer the things they have. She has sincere empathy and is a far better woman than I could ever pretend to be.

She has held their heads when they are poorly and vomit, she sees to their every need

I'll never quite understand that environment. I don't have the fortitude and sensitivity she does.

When she tells me about *re-arranging Beryls wig* I'm just humbled.

I don't have what she has, yeah, I'm humbled.

agirl

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See how easy it can be?

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

RE: desperate and depressed - 11/12/2011 1:36:17 PM

agirl

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Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

My last surgery was on Halloween and in 6 weeks it will be the middle of December. I won't get paid until after Christmas. Sir and I were married in August and I want our first Christmas as a married couple to be special. Unfortunately, there's no way we can have a decent Christmas on his salary alone.

What is a *decent Christmas*??

agirl

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See how easy it can be?

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

RE: desperate and depressed - 11/12/2011 1:50:35 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

2. When my then husband and I spent hours driving around on Christmas morning, completely unbelieving there wasn't a diner open anywhere.

Waffle House

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yep

(in reply to Kaliko)

RE: desperate and depressed - 11/12/2011 1:54:13 PM

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Joined: 10/12/2007
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Anyplace Asian ... Jewish as well.. as long as its not a Saturday... as we found out last year

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RE: desperate and depressed - 11/12/2011 2:02:13 PM

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I disagree perhaps with a few about gifts..

Let's assume the Biblical metaphor of the Nativity for one moment is a true story of something that actually happened. Jesus was born in a manger in the stable of a hotel which was packed out. This was not the ideal way to celebrate Passover, and it certainly wasn't anywhere near the ideal conditions for having your first baby.

But still..

Christmas is coming to people all over the world and it will find people in different circumstances - good, bad and dire. Lots of them, including people with lots of money, are going to experience a Christmas without something they feel they need or want.

But it won't stop them having a good time over Christmas because they will be with, and will have contact with the people they love and who matter to them.

And isn't this the whole point of CHRISTmas? Celebrating the birth and life of a man who devoted it to teaching people that it doesn't matter what you have and don't have, it just doesn't matter what you get or don't get, because what matters is the love between you and others and the fact that you have the gift of life to be able to express it and experience it.

This is what gets people through. It's not money, not work or lack of it, it's faith and belief in this man's teachings and the Gospel, the very essence not just of Christmas but of Christianity as a whole.

The gifts themselves are just symbols, nothing more. They are symbols of humanity, of love, of the freedom we have to think of one another and to express our feelings.

Think back to your childhood and the Christmases you had as a kid. What do you remember? The presents you got? Or your family and the people you spent Christmas with? What do you remember?

It's the material aspects which can make a Christmas stressful, and the spiritual aspects which can make Christmas truly memorable.

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(in reply to barelynangel)

RE: desperate and depressed - 11/12/2011 2:21:31 PM

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ring a bell anyone?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKk9rv2hUfA

The whole purpose of this episode was a commentary on the over-commercialism of the Christmas holiday...

(in reply to stellauk)

RE: desperate and depressed - 11/12/2011 3:17:23 PM

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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Man that was scary reading. Ok, so I only read the first page of each previous post, but still. There are so many holes and gaps and conflicting information, it isn't even funny! When you read them all grouped up like that it really makes you wonder.

(in reply to JstAnotherSub)

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