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PTSD - 11/11/2011 4:22:47 PM

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I'm not sure if this is the right place for this...
So, a couple things happened that triggered my PTSD (nothing BDSM related, just something associated with a class I'm taking and a conversation I had) on Sunday. I have had a pretty tight control on it since the last time it was triggered 7 years ago. When it happened before I was in a relationship with a very nice man, however I wound up pushing him away because I didn't want to drag him down with me on this. I have explained to Win exactly what happened last time it triggered; the flashbacks, nightmares and all of that, and I offered him an indirect 'out' (for lack of a better word). He has not taken it as of yet, but I guess what I am asking is for advice on how not to push him away if he should decide to stay and fight the battle with me. A part of me really wants to protect our relationship from the possible damage this can inflict, but at the same time, I know that Win would be the best person to have by my side to fight it.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edited to add: I am in counseling and my counselor and I are working on building my 'coping closet' so that part is not an issue.

< Message edited by winspiritsbaby -- 11/11/2011 4:24:59 PM >

RE: PTSD - 11/11/2011 4:36:53 PM

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Be up front with him. Most people experience things that "trigger" stuff from their past. PTSD'ers just have more of it. Educate yourself and him on it's etiology, and how best to handle it when you get triggered. Letting him know when it happens, and how best to support you be keeping you talking about it and resolving it may be helpful. Investigate modalities and methods that will help you alleviate some of it, i.e., therapy, hypnosos, EMDR, bodywork, etc.

(in reply to winspiritsbaby)

RE: PTSD - 11/11/2011 4:42:48 PM

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Thank you Duskypearls. I am in therapy and we have discussed the EMDR and Hypnosis. I have explained it to him. I'm hoping to be able to spend some time this weekend expaling more and doing more talking.

(in reply to Duskypearls)

RE: PTSD - 11/11/2011 4:51:01 PM

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i've been thinking about trying EMDR to deal with the stuff i'm carrying around from "the thing that happened" two years ago. but i try to ignore that i've got something that makes some things difficult. i just don't like to think that there's anything wrong.
another friend was trying it, but i never followed up with her to see if she thought it helped much... but from what i've read about it, it seems like it would be helpful.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to winspiritsbaby)

RE: PTSD - 11/11/2011 4:56:00 PM

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I think the main thing PTSD'ers have to watch out for, is once they get triggered and shut down, allowing themselves to continue in that downward spiral, and finally withdrawing. I think the goal is with a safe person in a safe place, to help the person and their "little girl's/little boy's" reaction/representation, to become aware that they are stuck in an unconscious in a pattern defensively created from a moment that occurred in the past, that become disabling. Then reframe the present (and the past one) triggered experience with an adult perception and response.

When stuck in the fear/shutdown response, tell your partner exactly what's happening, what you're feeling and why you're feeling. Perhaps he can get some counseling on how best to support you during these instances, and redirect you.

Try not to keep giving yourself permission to withdraw. The fear of what is happening will not actually kill you, although I know it feels very "life and death" sometimes.

I'm glad to hear you're in counseling and working to get back on track. Keep up the good work, girl!

(in reply to winspiritsbaby)

RE: PTSD - 11/11/2011 5:07:50 PM

MistressDarkArt

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Sounds like you're doing everything possible for yourself and your partner. You're acknowledging the 'elephant in the room' and that may be enough for you both to work through this together.

Good luck to you, and congratulations for being brave enough to face this challenge. You're strong; it will not get the best of you and whatever it was doesn't have the right to ruin your life and relationship.

(in reply to winspiritsbaby)

RE: PTSD - 11/11/2011 6:12:32 PM

Posts: 141
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Hi Lilly,
I'm definitely leaning more towards the EMDR than hypnosis. If we find a qualified therapsit and I do it, I will definitely let you know how it goes.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

RE: PTSD - 11/11/2011 6:19:45 PM

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: winspiritsbaby

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this...
So, a couple things happened that triggered my PTSD (nothing BDSM related, just something associated with a class I'm taking and a conversation I had) on Sunday. I have had a pretty tight control on it since the last time it was triggered 7 years ago. When it happened before I was in a relationship with a very nice man, however I wound up pushing him away because I didn't want to drag him down with me on this. I have explained to Win exactly what happened last time it triggered; the flashbacks, nightmares and all of that, and I offered him an indirect 'out' (for lack of a better word). He has not taken it as of yet, but I guess what I am asking is for advice on how not to push him away if he should decide to stay and fight the battle with me. A part of me really wants to protect our relationship from the possible damage this can inflict, but at the same time, I know that Win would be the best person to have by my side to fight it.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edited to add: I am in counseling and my counselor and I are working on building my 'coping closet' so that part is not an issue.

Well for starters, you gave him an "out" and he didn't take it. Not for nothin, but it shouldn't be an open offer. More of a "I have these things that I deal with caused by this. I would like you to work through them with me and if you can't I understand." I can't imagine having the "out" hanging over your relationship is helpful to either of you.

You are absolutely right in not wanting push your partner away, but also remember, that both he and you need to deal with it independently at times. Another issue that has little D/s involvement and more plain old relationship involvement. Thare simply are times when you are going to need to process things without him around. So what you need to do is not simply learn how not to push him away, but rather how to verbalize that at the moment, you need to work independently of him and the relationship to deal with the issue. So you aren't pushing him away, and he can still be very actively supportive, but from a comfortable distance.

(in reply to winspiritsbaby)

RE: PTSD - 11/11/2011 6:32:01 PM

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Hi again Dusky,
I have not allowed myself to shut down at this point. I do tend to make sure I keep my mind as busy as possible on other things when I'm at school or my kids are home. Regardless of what I'm going through, I am trying my damnedest not to let it affect my kids. I have discussed with the oldest one what is going on and what she needs to do if there is a problem, but with the youngest one it remains a problem of how to deal with it. His dad knows what's going on (he is the one I was with the last time) and is supportive and understanding. He said that he will talk to him this weekend, because right now I think he would be the better one to do it.

I tried something similar to what you suggested with the addition of having all the the thoughts and feelings written down, and literally burying it, which did help get me back on track the last time. What seems to be the issue is that when I trigger, it seems like it takes a little while to discover what is actually being triggered, if that makes sense? What I'm talking about is the fact that something new, that I had purposely forgotten all those years ago surfaces, and it's not always easy to figure out what the real issue is. That is the only reason that I have even considered hypnosis, to maybe get it all out and deal with it at once instead of having it come back in bits and pieces like this. When my counselor and I discussed it last time, I didn't think I was strong enough to do it all at once, and I'm still not quite sure, but I'm not ruling the idea completely out.

Win and I live in different cities at the moment, so it does make things a little difficult, but then again, a part of me thinks it's a little easier that way because he doesn't see all this first hand all the time. I do however think you're right that I do need to tell him what I'm feeling, and I guess that is really the hard part for me.

Thank you for taking time to give me your advice.

(in reply to Duskypearls)

RE: PTSD - 11/11/2011 6:37:04 PM

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Thank you MDA.

I'm doing my best not to allow it to ruin anymore than it has, or I should say I allowed it to. My biggest reason for asking for help on how to do this.

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)

RE: PTSD - 11/11/2011 6:45:45 PM

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Thank you Lafayette.

I think the words I used were "I don't want to do this alone, but I don't want to drag you down with it, so if things start getting to be too much please let me know because I don't want you hating me over this." I did it this way because I think sometimes people believe they can handle something and then down the road find out they can't, which is understandable, but if they are locked in by a promise or whatever, the fact that they can no longer handle it may present even more issues, but you may be right. I will have to give that a little more thought.

You are right I hadn't thought about the part of working independently. I was just looking at the fact of what I did last time and didn't want to repeat it. Thank you for pointing that out.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

RE: PTSD - 11/11/2011 9:54:51 PM

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I rarely have moments of ptsd these days but I do still suffer from depression. When I met Master I told him right up front about it and how bad it can get at times. For a long time it was manageable but there are times when it's not. I let him know when it's getting bad if he hasn't taken notice since it's not always something sudden. During that time he helps by making sure I'm taking my meds, eating healthy, staying away from certain things, etc...and I make sure I take control of my health and being proactive about it.

And we talk, talk and talk some more and I do my best not to take my issues out on him. I step away or I let him know why it's happening and we deal with it together as a team.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to winspiritsbaby)

RE: PTSD - 11/11/2011 11:32:27 PM

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Winspiritsbaby,

I know it can be very hard at times to figure out what is triggering us and why, as it often seems to pop up seemingly out of no where, and instantaneously change our internal landscape. Sometimes it's our thought patterns, sometimes our emotions, and sometime vague body memories. Sometimes we never figure out it's origin or subject, and must work at re-grounding ourselves anyway. That's one of the reasons I suggested bodywork, i.e., massage, shiatsu, chiropractic (especially Network Chiropractic) tantric massage, etc., as these can often be quite helpful in identifying sites in our body that have stored up painful memories/emotions/injuries/chemicals that need releasing.

One of the most important things we can do for ourselves is monitor our thoughts and their patterns, and our emotional/physical responses to them, as it is usually our minds that get us into the deepest trouble. When we recognize ourselves in states of fear, depression, anger, sadness, grief, resentment, jealousy, etc., it's time to backtrack and figure out what was going on in our minds that got us stuck there. Once we do that, we can replace such patterns/perspectives/representations with a more positive script. But first, you've got to expose, understand, and own the damaged script from which you were working.

Personally, I'm finding EMDR very helpful...more helpful than I expected. I only wish I tried it sooner.

< Message edited by Duskypearls -- 11/11/2011 11:35:45 PM >

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: PTSD - 11/12/2011 3:24:36 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
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It is something as small as somehting being
drop heavy on the floor, a blackout, and then nothing
it just happens! i take the time to do many things to relax!

But mine is so that i want to just hide, and i make sure
to play in my dollhouse, it is the inner child whom is hurting, so
i make sure she is safe and playing! I know it sound strange but
it helps me to not relive some things and let go of others!

take care and my best wishes
mons

(in reply to Duskypearls)

RE: PTSD - 11/12/2011 6:54:54 AM

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From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: winspiritsbaby

Thank you Lafayette.

I think the words I used were "I don't want to do this alone, but I don't want to drag you down with it, so if things start getting to be too much please let me know because I don't want you hating me over this." I did it this way because I think sometimes people believe they can handle something and then down the road find out they can't, which is understandable, but if they are locked in by a promise or whatever, the fact that they can no longer handle it may present even more issues, but you may be right. I will have to give that a little more thought.

You are right I hadn't thought about the part of working independently. I was just looking at the fact of what I did last time and didn't want to repeat it. Thank you for pointing that out.

Because you consciously don't want to repeat a past mistake, there's a very good chance you won't. Big difference between "pushing someone away" and communicating with them that you still care about them, and are very appreciative that they want to help and be supportive, but the most supportive thing they can do at that moment is give you the time to yourself to try to work through somethings. Let him know you will share those things (if that's what you choose) when you are done, and it is a big comfort knowing he is (in this case) just a phone call away.

I didn't mean the "one time option" as do it now or be stuck forever kind of deal, lol. More of a matter of I'm letting you know what it is like, so if you stick around, I don't really need to hear you complain about anything to do with what I just told you down the road. I do, however, operate that the human being and the relationship between the parties comes before all the D/s or M/s stuff and during something like a PTSD event, all BDSM is cancelled. I know that isn't how other people deal, but honestly, when they do it that way, far too frequently, they aren't dealing with the problem, just burying it and continuing to find ways to work around it.

(in reply to winspiritsbaby)

RE: PTSD - 11/12/2011 7:10:43 AM

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Hi littlewonder

Yes, I did tell Win about it in the beginning, but I don't think I gave enough detail because I thought I had it under control, and honestly, I think that I believed that I would never have problems with it again. I have, made myself own up to the fact that there will always be the possibility that I can trigger like this, and so now he and I will both be aware of the fact.

I worry about the fact that some of my flashbacks have turned violent in nature which is my biggest issue with my kids and him. I have explained this to him and I guess my best option is to just trust that he will react the way that I have told him works best, and that will keep him out of harm's way.

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: PTSD - 11/12/2011 7:12:15 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: winspiritsbaby

Hi Lilly,
I'm definitely leaning more towards the EMDR than hypnosis. If we find a qualified therapsit and I do it, I will definitely let you know how it goes.

awesome, that would be appreciated ^_^

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to winspiritsbaby)

RE: PTSD - 11/12/2011 7:21:25 AM

Posts: 141
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Dusky,

Thank you for giving examples of what you meant by bodywork. I thought you simply meant exercising, which I already do.

I have restarted my journaling in order to monitor things a bit more.

As for the EMDR, we are looking for somebody to do it, but so far the only one we have found locally is a therapist that I have had a bad experience with, so that is definitely not going to work.

(in reply to Duskypearls)

RE: PTSD - 11/12/2011 7:27:15 AM

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Thank you mons.

It doesn't sound strange. That was a route we had tried first time around but since my issues also include issues while being an adult it wasn't quite as beneficial for me as it could have been. Maybe once we can figure out how to include the adult issues or find something else to work with it, it will be better.

I'm glad that you have found something that helps you.

(in reply to mons)

RE: PTSD - 11/12/2011 7:35:06 AM

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Lafayette,

Thank you for explaining a little better, my mind does seem a little muddled at the moment.

I hope that the way I expressed things to Win properly communicates my point to him. We did talk a little bit lastnight on this, and also about what steps my therapist and I are taking, so I am definitely keeping him in the loop.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

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