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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 5:24:43 AM

DesFIP

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If you don't enjoy it, and it isn't fulfilling for you op, then why on earth do you do it?

Are you in this solely for the sensation play? Then be honest with potential partners that you aren't submissive. And go to your local groups and be honest with people that you just want kink. Make friends who would enjoy topping you.

He doesn't want me to have a negative experience. If something's wrong and I can't get into it, am just gritting my teeth to get through it, then I tell him. And usually it means I've ignored feeling off and not up for play when we started. I have noticed that those days are commonly the day or two before I come out with a cold though.

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 6:27:30 AM

bighappygoth39

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I don't quite understand this, either. I presume the OP isn't in a long term relationship, but I know that if my partner got angry when I did anything to him I'd get quite upset. Part of my enjoyment of it all is knowing that he enjoys it as well.
The last 'relationship' I had was with a guy who said he was a sub, but over time it became clear he had anger issues and was definitely not a sub, so that ended quite nastily.
I hope the OP can sort out his anger problems, as it looks like he won't find anyone who wants to be in a relationship with him until he does. I know I wouldn't, anyway...

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 8:26:16 AM

slavemur

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Speaking from a slaves point, for me anger is an emotion I try to keep hidden. When I get angry I feel like I need to be heard. But when I am being whipped or spanked, its because (a I enjoy it, or (b I deserved it. Getting angry during a spanking session or a pain session is counterproductive to the enjoyment I am trying to achieve. If you get angry while playing and its not a punishment, then your anger is missplaced and you need to rethink your sexual role or relationship

(in reply to bighappygoth39)

Post #: 23

RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 9:21:05 AM

lizi

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No OP, I don't get angry. I enjoy being Dominated. If it hurts or I am frustrated in some way, I still enjoy it on some level. Being angry never really figures in with things. I hope you find the the enlightenment you are looking for, this subject seems to trouble you.

(in reply to slavemur)

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 9:29:04 AM

Missokyst

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Somethings the things my partner requires does not make me joyous, but it gets done regardless. I don't expect anything to make me happy all the time, but I would say if it made me angry a lot, it's time to move on.

Have you considered you might be a bottom who enjoys [insert fetish here], and getting it when and where you want it?
Just because you might like some kinky stuff does not mean you are submissive.

quote:

ORIGINAL: submaleinuk

I know I do quite a lot, in real life I would say something but when I try bdsm I don't, if I did say how I feel I think the mistress would get a shock, I doubt they'd like it really, is this common or just me?

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 10:11:11 AM

Fornica

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http://www.collarchat.com/m_3934101/mpage_4/key_/tm.htm#3940368

It seems like you have a general dislike for bdsm..can I ask what brought you here?

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 10:16:33 AM

Fornica

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Oh. I just noticed ALL of your past posts are about how unhealthy BDSM is.

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 10:28:44 AM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

submaleinuk - over the course of several threads, you've expressed this idea that being dominated is upsetting/disturbing to anyone who experiences it, and you believe this because that's your experience. I guess I don't understand your motive? You've mentioned being in therapy to deal with it - are you trying to learn more or just hoping to keep after this "BDSM is bad for you" line you're on?

I feel a huge range of emotions during SM play, and sometimes I get frustrated if the will of the person in charge means I cann't do/have/buy/eat something I really want, but the overall experience is fulfilling for me and I don't believe it's unhealthy.

That chimes with a couple of thoughts for me. I wrote a fantasy once in which I was being 'forced' and anger was one of the emotions involved. This gave way to humiliation, then . . . total satisfaction.

A few of the handful of experienced BDSMers who read it thought that, as a story, it wasn't up to much. They were probably right. However, I *was* determinedly trying to articulate my feelings rather than describe the scenario and activities involved.

One thing I'd say is that, to second your opinion, during sex, all sorts of emotions can become involved. I've heard it from more than a couple of women that they cry when they're having sex, for instance. I wouldn't necessarily equate that with dislike of sex, though.

The other thing I'd add is that, for me, the range of emotions is precisely what it's all about in D/s. You can go ahead and taste fear, humiliation, pain - and, yes, even anger or tearful sadness - so long as the overall result is some kind of increased happiness or other satisfaction. (And so long as no-one gets damaged in a way that they don't want, natch.)

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 11:07:47 AM

LillyBoPeep

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Was it something you posted here, Peon? It's interesting that you were more focused on expressing your emotional progression, rather than detailing the specific kinky stuff. I'd like to check it out. :)
Crying during/after sex is a good comparison. Lots of women do report doing this but it doesn't mean they're beig harmed or that sex is unhealthy. I've experienced that, even in "regular" sex, because of complicated feelings building up.
With SM stuff, there's the potential for so many things - fear, pain, tenderness, vulnerability, adrenaline/endorphin rushes, anger, love, violence - I've felt "angry" wanting to get away from pain and being unable to. The complex things you feel from something "horrible" juxtaposed with something soft or loving. That range of experience is part of what I love about it, too.

And in the day-to-day, puttinng emphasis on the other person's will, or that will becoming yours - that's complex and fascinating, too. I got frustrated in my last relationship when he enforced rules, but I was thankful to have them, and have someone who would enforce them. :p

I donn't pretend to totally understand it, but I know it doesn't make me miserable, even if I'm annoyed or frustrated, or trying to endure something but failing. :p

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 11:10:22 AM

LadyHibiscus

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I burst into tears after having sex and it put me right off for a long time! It doesn't happen often, but you can't really plan catharsis.

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 11:23:11 AM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I burst into tears after having sex and it put me right off for a long time! It doesn't happen often, but you can't really plan catharsis.

I do this, I've only ever done it with 2 people in my life but it was/is regular with them if not real often. Always after very intense sex, not pain. Tears are in general a release, not always sadness or being upset. Just a release, plain and simple.

I get to feeling very emotional about my positive feelings for these two people and at the time it overwhelms me. Nothing negative indeed, in fact it's rather an expression of love that I can't seem to do another way - it's a release of that positive energy. It's rather disconcerting and i'd rather I didn't do it, but oh well, can't seem to stop it either.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 11:59:03 AM

mnottertail

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Af0p3K42NZw

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 12:09:19 PM

BitaTruble

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Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: submaleinuk

I know I do quite a lot, in real life I would say something but when I try bdsm I don't, if I did say how I feel I think the mistress would get a shock, I doubt they'd like it really, is this common or just me?

It sounds much more like you are not getting angry when being dominated but rather getting annoyed when you are not being dominated in the way you dictate. Doms are funny folks. They seem to have this desire to get their way.

A mistress tells you to 'go wash the dishes'.. well, that's not very sexy to most folks so it annoys you because in that moment, you aren't able to indulge in your own fantasy. Completely understandable especially if you're used to autonomy. You may grumble under your breath about it and really, really 'not' want to go wash those dishes but if you go ahead and wash them, then you are, in fact, being submissive. Being submissive isn't about supressing your emotions or not having them.. it's doing what you are told 'despite' having them. It's okay to get angry.. just so long as you go ahead and walk your ass into the kitchen and make with the soap. If there comes a day when you are actually happy to wash those dishes simply because she wants you to do so and told you to do so, you'll make for a pretty good catch in a fairly large pond. It's something you can choose to work towards but I've found that, generally, it's something that happens naturally over time when you learn to trust your partner and revel in their dominance.

If you refuse to get into that kitchen and wash those dishes, then no, you are not being submissive. You are directing your own actions in which case, you don't need a Mistress. Just find a top who likes to do what you, on the bottom, like to have done and I have a feeling most of your issues will resolve themselves.

You don't have to let go of everything all at once. Try letting go of things one at a time and see what sort of progress you make. Someone who finds you worthy will know it's worth the effort and if you find them worthy, you'll make the effort and, eventually, you'll get to where you both want to be.

Good luck.

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 12:13:07 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

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I never got angry, persay, but I did get bent out of shape sometimes.

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 2:10:26 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
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OP, have you ever stopped to think that maybe you are not submissive at all? That's a real possibility. If you can't stand being told what to do in any way, shape or form, then maybe you're not sub. In that case, you may be either Dom or vanilla. Neither is a crime, you know.

I would say, if being sub makes you angry, then don't do it. Because if you hate doing it and try to continue, telling off your Domme will get you nowhere, and may very well get her pissed off at you and land you out on your ear. Dommes are funny that way, we like to be the ones saying how it's going to be & we don't appreciate TFTB.

NBMG

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 2:19:37 PM

angelikaJ

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

OP, have you ever stopped to think that maybe you are not submissive at all? That's a real possibility. If you can't stand being told what to do in any way, shape or form, then maybe you're not sub. In that case, you may be either Dom or vanilla. Neither is a crime, you know.

I would say, if being sub makes you angry, then don't do it. Because if you hate doing it and try to continue, telling off your Domme will get you nowhere, and may very well get her pissed off at you and land you out on your ear. Dommes are funny that way, we like to be the ones saying how it's going to be & we don't appreciate TFTB.

NBMG

I would like to expand on this a little:

If being spanked gets you all hot and bothered but you can't stand being told what to do then likely you aren't a submissive at all but you might be a bottom: someone who enjoys being spanked.
If on the other hand, it is the idea of being spanked that drives you; the fantasy of it, and you hate the sensation, then that is okay too; not all fantasies are meant to be carried over into real life. There is nothing wrong with enjoying them just as fantasies.

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 2:32:30 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

Was it something you posted here, Peon? It's interesting that you were more focused on expressing your emotional progression, rather than detailing the specific kinky stuff. I'd like to check it out. :)
Crying during/after sex is a good comparison. Lots of women do report doing this but it doesn't mean they're beig harmed or that sex is unhealthy. I've experienced that, even in "regular" sex, because of complicated feelings building up.
With SM stuff, there's the potential for so many things - fear, pain, tenderness, vulnerability, adrenaline/endorphin rushes, anger, love, violence - I've felt "angry" wanting to get away from pain and being unable to. The complex things you feel from something "horrible" juxtaposed with something soft or loving. That range of experience is part of what I love about it, too.

And in the day-to-day, puttinng emphasis on the other person's will, or that will becoming yours - that's complex and fascinating, too. I got frustrated in my last relationship when he enforced rules, but I was thankful to have them, and have someone who would enforce them. :p

I donn't pretend to totally understand it, but I know it doesn't make me miserable, even if I'm annoyed or frustrated, or trying to endure something but failing. :p

Lilly,

Gawd, it was over a couple of years ago when I wrote that piece. It was on Ferns's blog, as a 'reply' (see link below). I can't even remember what I used as a nick at the time. But, seriously, it wasn't good. I think my aim - to focus on the feelings - was noble enough, but I didn't have the experience to go on. I only had imaginings. But they felt authentic, if that's worth anything. And, incidentally, in the fantasy, I cried too. All before some sublime, swimming feeling of contentment.

For me, it *is* something of a journey, this D/s stuff. You give up a certain degree of level-headedness as soon as you step on the road. Feelings come that might throw you off balance. Anger is one of the more familiar feelings - for men, especially. But who wants levelheadedness and familiarity for the rest of his life? Bugger that for a lark.

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 2:40:50 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I burst into tears after having sex and it put me right off for a long time! It doesn't happen often, but you can't really plan catharsis.

Good word, catharsis. Good principle, too.

A male friend of mine had a girlfriend who always cried during sex. She was quite embarrassed about it and he was continually worried about her. But we all read around the subject (all his male friends - weren't we sensitive chaps? hah!) and came to the conclusion that it was nothing to be concerned about.

Me, my pretty firm conclusion is simple, really. This is that so many of these feelings are right next door to each other, in the psyche. Lust, anger, sadness, bliss - they're neighbours. You make enough noise anywhere at all on the street they all live in, you're quite likely to wake them all up at the same time.

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 2:40:57 PM

lally2

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feeling resentful towards things youre asked to do or made to do isnt generally what submission is about. most subs i know and have learnt from in the past tend to view their service (in whichever way its expressed) as meeting a need in them to please and serve. even when its annoying and aggravating it still brings some level of satisfaction or they wouldnt do it. basically its why submissive types seek dominant types - the symbiosis of needs work that way.

maybe youre not providing the service that would make you happy and fulfilled. or youre a bottom/masso with no actual submissive/service tendencies.

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RE: Do you get angry when your being dominated? - 12/9/2011 3:34:49 PM

lovenhate

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I second those others on this thread who say you should just realize you're probably not submissive and be happy with that. I think that because there are so many vocal BDSMers who are into the whole dominant/submissive obedience dynamic, those who are kinky but not into that aspect can feel left out or, if they don't have a clear understanding yet of what they do and don't want or don't feel strong within themselves, can even feel like there's something wrong with them. For myself, it can be tempting for me to get with somebody who is purely dominant because their dominance turns me on, only to feel like half of me is being stifled when they can't stand me dominating them right back. Being given orders doesn't even make me angry, it just makes me want to laugh, like how can I possibly take this seriously? I saw your posts on another thread and it seems you have issues around seeing the BDSM stuff you do as unhealthy. I would say, don't even worry about that, just do what makes you feel happy and alive. Me, I often feel anger during kinky play, but it's a GOOD kind of anger--the kind of scene I like is where my partner is on top of me choking me and forcing his cock in my mouth and I'm loving it but also feeling the rage build up inside me until I get on top and start strangling him and twisting his nipples until he begs me to stop, and then finally he gets angry and snaps and pulls me down and bites my neck hard. Anger, and then releasing that anger on a willing victim. And I feed off my partner's anger too, I'd much rather exercise my sadism on someone fighting back and calling me a bitch than on someone just lying there and thanking me for the blows. Is it healthy? To me it's beautifully, gloriously unhealthy, and I get off on the perverse aspect of being with someone I'm half in love with and half at war with. It feels dangerous and sick, in a good way.

But anyway, enough about my kinky sadomasochistic tastes. I think you need to: a) stop worrying about how other people feel, what's normal, what's healthy etc. Concentrate on how you feel. b) Communicate with those you play with! It sounds like you are not being honest with them and as long as you are not honest, you will continue feeling stifled, when in reality you are the one stifling yourself. Once you've expressed your anger, only then can you and your mistress decide what to do about it. c) Try to find someone to play with who isn't invested in the whole "mistress" thing, who is physically dominating or sadistic but not interested in giving orders. I don't know you enough to say for certain, but it sounds like that might be a better fit for you than trying to fit yourself into the obedient sub mold.

(in reply to PeonForHer)

Post #: 40

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