RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (Full Version)

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Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/1/2012 9:59:07 AM)

You should do what ever you want and can live with as an un owned sub, dimbulbs have no right to tell you what you should do in regards to anything.

I personally never bought into the saving yourself idea, and would want someone as a partner if I was taking the dom role, who had some idea of their likes, and dislikes and hard and soft limits and loves, and could say so.

quote:

ORIGINAL: dianddra
I told one guy who shall remain nameless, and his reaction was that I have tainted myself... that I should save myself for my dream Dom, so that he can give me all of my First Experiences. Like a virgin saving herself for her wedding night.

Dianddra




Yachtie -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/1/2012 10:11:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve

I'll pretty much ignore the virgins, and go straight for the biggest slut in the room



I love virgins, wonderful for debauching. Besides, hearing them pop is such a rush. Not that I have anything against sluts, heck, I was seekerofslut in my previous incarnation and nothing has changed.



xssve -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/1/2012 10:21:46 AM)

Well I am older and more patient now, but the clock's still ticking. Not that I was ever one to rush straight into it, I start slow and kinda build up.

I mean if you do it all at once, there's nothing left to do but take pictures and do it some more - much less on the first date - better to take it as it comes, but I usually bump up against somebodies limits sooner or later, and then I have to start all over.

I dunno, somebodies profile said, paraphrasing: respect the woman, use the slut and protect the little girl - sounds right to me, but everybody's entitled to their own philosophy.



Rochsub2009 -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/1/2012 10:35:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dianddra
Should a new sub "save" herself for her future dream Dom? Or does her experiences make her a better sub or a better person? Does the experience "taint" her?


There are already 4 pages of responses, and I haven't read any of them, so forgive me if I repeat what's already been said.

IMO, BDSM relationships are no different than vanilla relationships.  So would you save yourself for the vanilla man of your dreams?  If not, then why would you do so in a BDSM relationship?

Besides, how do you know if someone is the "Dom of your dreams"?  You have to give him a try in order to find out.  But if it turns out that he's not (which is usually the case), you've just "tainted" yourself.

That's the problem with that type of thinking.  It has to work with the very first person that you decide to get with, or else, you're forever tainted.

Most relationships don't work out.  Just look at divorce statistics.  So I think you should just accept the fact that you're going to be "tainted" when (if?) you meet your dream Dom.

For what it's worth, when you meet your dream Dom, he'll probably appreciate the fact that you already know how to give a proper blow job.  He won't consider you to be "tainted".  Instead, he'll likely consider himself to be "lucky".  [;)]

BTW, the next time you see the person who suggested that you should save yourself for your "dream Dom", please smack him for me.  Hard!  [:D]



sunshinemiss -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/1/2012 8:14:19 PM)

Sunny Quote of the Day
goes to
KnightofMists
[sm=imking.gif]
for

I see no taint that my glorious self could not overcome!
...go and enjoy the wilds of your passion
knowing full well that
your Dream Dom will come
and make it all right with
his special divine powers.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_4018218/tm.htm



Awareness -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/2/2012 12:51:13 AM)

Any sub who is stupid enough to buy into the fiction that a "Dream Dom" exists is manifestly unready to engage in any kind of interaction with one.

The wannabe who told you this rubbish is no doubt one of those guys who's unable to engage with a woman unless she's a virgin.

On the flip side, I'd be unlikely to be interested in a sub whose kink was something she displayed as a public performance.  If she's giving the shit away to random strangers, she has far less to offer me than a woman who's more circumspect.



suburbanslave -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/2/2012 3:54:04 AM)

I can only speak as a male sub which is an entirely different kettle of fish, but, if a male sub decided to save himself for his dream Domme? He'd end his days as a dried up wrinkled old virgin. My advice ,,, Grab it while it's there...



xssve -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/2/2012 6:23:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

Any sub who is stupid enough to buy into the fiction that a "Dream Dom" exists is manifestly unready to engage in any kind of interaction with one.

The King of the categorical imperative strike again.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness
The wannabe who told you this rubbish is no doubt one of those guys who's unable to engage with a woman unless she's a virgin.

On the flip side, I'd be unlikely to be interested in a sub whose kink was something she displayed as a public performance.  If she's giving the shit away to random strangers, she has far less to offer me than a woman who's more circumspect.

Really? Doesn't kick in you savior complex or nothin'?

I do think the experiential gap probably applies somewhat, you're more likely to be attracted to someone with roughly the same level of experience as you.



Casssy -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/2/2012 8:18:24 AM)

That would be like saving your virginity for the first wedding night of the marriage that will last til-death-us-part no?
I dont know, I dont even like romantic novels but whatever rocks your boat...



kalikshama -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/2/2012 9:06:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

On the flip side, I'd be unlikely to be interested in a sub whose kink was something she displayed as a public performance.  If she's giving the shit away to random strangers, she has far less to offer me than a woman who's more circumspect.


I'm curious as to where you draw the line. Does nudity have to be involved? Penetration? What about a fully clothed women who is a model for Shibari? Is it the act of getting up in front of people?



xssve -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/2/2012 9:30:19 AM)

I think the assumption is that his kinks and hers are congruent.

Being an artist, I'm all into Voyeurism myself, I think of a lot of this as performance art - but I'm only exhibitionistic at odd times.

Usually after everybody else runs out of steam.



Awareness -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/2/2012 12:38:04 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve

quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

Any sub who is stupid enough to buy into the fiction that a "Dream Dom" exists is manifestly unready to engage in any kind of interaction with one.

The King of the categorical imperative strike again.
Bob, fuck off.



Awareness -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/2/2012 12:45:08 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

On the flip side, I'd be unlikely to be interested in a sub whose kink was something she displayed as a public performance.  If she's giving the shit away to random strangers, she has far less to offer me than a woman who's more circumspect.


I'm curious as to where you draw the line. Does nudity have to be involved? Penetration? What about a fully clothed women who is a model for Shibari? Is it the act of getting up in front of people?
Who says there's a line? While I'm sure some people like simplification to make things easy for them, the truth is, evaluation of an individual requires considering many facets of their behaviour. There's a big difference between eroticism and vulgarity. Eroticism is the swell of a breast which is not quite concealed as much as it could/should be. Vulgar is cunt, front and centre, on someone's profile.

Basically if a chick is turning her sexuality into a public display - regardless of whether she's using kink as the excuse - that's usually a pretty bad sign.



xssve -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/2/2012 5:07:28 PM)

For you.



xssve -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/3/2012 6:45:45 AM)

I've never been to a play party, If I met a potential partner who was into it, I'd definitely want to go - but from the pics I've seen on fet and elsewhere, it seems nothing like the impromptu no-holes-barred orgies in hotel rooms or peoples houses I've engaged in from time to time in my life, more like a lot of needle play, a Two or Three person scene in the middle of the room while everybody watches, and it seems to me to be more centered around exhibitionism/voyeurism, and just socializing, the sex is often confined to Hitachi play, etc.

i.e., even if sex is involved, and who knows what goes on afterwards, I'm sure people hook up here and there, but it's not necessarily the-free-for-all I had vaguely visualized initially.

In short, my current impression is that play parties are for "play", not unprotected sex with random strangers - there are people into that too, but I think they call those "gang bangs", or "orgies".

Anyway, on the flip side, the author of this article describes her feelings in an article about casual sex:

quote:

This situation — where you’re going to or are having sex with a someone but haven’t discussed the boundaries and parameters — is one I’ve been in more times than I can count. I’d like to think that I’m open-minded when it comes to talking about sex, but one of the reasons I usually don’t have those conversations is because a form of wishful thinking sets in. I know the vision I have for the other person and our relationship, and it’s much easier to assume they share that vision than tackle the nitty-gritty discussions over whether we are on the same page, not just about sex, but about our lives and values. I’m at a stage in my life where those are things I want to know before I sleep with someone; it’s part of why I recently removed myself from an online dating site I was using; trying to discern all those things in that form was too daunting.


Is Casual Sex Good for You?

So, there are no "invalid" points of view here, just people at different stages of life maybe, with different feelings about things, and it's not just about sex.

It just occurs to me that it might help to describe to someone just what exactly your experiences at a play party are, before they draw their own conclusions from their own fevered imaginations.

If you don't know them that well, selective editing is not necessarily dishonest of course, not everybody likes to describe their sex lives to complete strangers, and the wank factor is high, but an adult should be able to discuss adult social issues I should think, whether it's yay or nay.

I think I'd have a hard time relating to someone who wasn't at the very least a bit curious and intrigued by it, whether it turned out ultimately to be their cup of tea or not.





LaTigresse -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/3/2012 7:31:14 AM)

I think that pretty much sums up my feelings.

I don't have any real give a damn about how anyone else get's their thrills. I flat out tell the women that email me, if attending public play events, if any sort of nightlife really, is vitally important to you........keep looking. But, just because it isn't important to me, doesn't mean I have any negative mindset towards anyone it is important to. And, it doesn't mean that given the right circumstances, I wouldn't be interested at some point in time, to attend a gathering. It's just not on my list of important things to do, right now.

Yesterday, after reading this thread, I just felt that it was yet another version of the vanilla dating "How many people have you slept with before me?....." And realized that isn't a question I've ever thought to ask anyone. So I wonder if that really is important to people still.

The way I look at it, if a person acts a certain way with me, it will likely cause me to lose interest in them. I don't have to break it down as, they are too slutty for me, it's not that black and white. It's just highly unlikely that I will be interested in exploring a relationship with a person that places sex or kink as so much a priority that they will forgo getting to know me as a person, woman, dominant woman, kinky dominant woman.......in that order. My inner voice won't have that conversation. I will simply just not be interested. I do realize that not everyone is like me and don't feel either is better or worse. It's just a matter of compatibility.

Which then leads me to wonder how many potentially compatible women I've passed up because they 'offered' themselves in the 'getting to know you' phase in a sexual/kinky manner that turned me off, not because it was authentic to them, but because in their desire to be pleasing, they mistakenly felt that was what was expected, based upon previous communications with others.



xssve -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/3/2012 7:44:47 AM)

Cut's both ways, yeah, people develop expectations based on both their initial fantasies and their initial contacts after they first come on the site, if they're newbs to it.

And, different sites have different cultures and cultural expectations: what people line up to pan here is often de rigueur on another site.



GotSteel -> RE: Should a sub "Save" herself for her Dream Dom? (2/3/2012 10:52:33 AM)

I think that in general bad experiences taint one and good experiences enrich them.

One thing you'll probably find after you've experienced a few of the flavors is that what what you're looking for will change. That realities will often be somewhat different from your fantasies and as such having some experience will give you an edge in picking out what's actually going to be your dream dom.



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