RE: He wants me to change....?

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RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 12:49:37 AM

SpiritedRadiance

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Joined: 3/3/2010
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Or he could drop being an insecure fuckwit and be a man...

All the things hes asking for are negative in my opinion, you cant turn it around and magically make it positive when it comes across as someone being insecure...

He wants her to turn down 6.5k a year, he wants her to loose weight, and he wants to mark her...

It seems hes lacking in a major way and taking that out on her...

I get what your saying and in another situation it might work much better...but until you find the root of the problem, making a game out of the side effects isnt going to change the fact theres a larger issue present.....

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to Kana)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 1:46:39 AM

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I feel like the weight thing is blown out of proportion... the OP did say she'd talked to him about her problems in losing the weight and he'd said for her not to worry about it. Given that context it seems more likely that he wanted her to engage in the activities involved with losing weight as an exertion of control, rather than had an actual target weight for her to achieve. Although, that said, that is the much harder thing to endure, in my opinion, than the latter since the submissive is not given a clear line in the sand to reach.

How is him wanting to mark her necessarily a reflection of his insecurity? I hear it is pretty much a fixture to the Dom/me psyche. (Marking doesn't have to be tats.) She said she told him she wasn't into tats when she met and one presumes from the reading, throughout the 5 years of whatever vanilla relationship they shared then. She did not clearly say anything about them being a limit, nor was she very clear about how she'd communicated the subject to him-- it sounds absolutely possible that the conversation went "well I don't like tats and won't ever consider getting one" which isn't the same.

There isn't enough details on the promotion issue for it to be a clear judgement call for anyone here to determine.

There also isn't enough details on the nature of their D/s relationship. Why should we allow vanilla world feminist values to supercede consenting commitments made by a sub to her Dom just because she doesn't want to comply?

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 7:09:19 AM

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I'm sorrySpiritedRadiance, but I just don't see any of those things as being negative demands (though knowing all the details would be helpful) nor do I see them as necessarily a sign of insecurity. He wants her to lose weight; so what. Most guys want their women to look better than their friends' women, and maybe she does need to lose some weight, most women in America do. How is that being a fuckwit?

He wants her to get a tattoo; so what? Tattoos are common things and marking a slave isn't an unheard of thing, from what I gather its pretty common. She never said he commanded her to do it, only that he asked her to do it, that sounds pretty reasonable to me, who among us hasn't had a BF ask us to do something we didn't want to do, who here has never been pressured by a BF to try anal? Heck I had a BF in high school who wanted me to get a tattoo, and there was no D/s to that relationship? How is that being a fuckwit?

And as far as the promotion goes, well we don't know what that promotion entails. Maybe it involves her travelling for 8 months of the year in the company of a male boss the Master distrusts? How would that be being a fuckwit?

You're right about there being a larger issue present though, but its not the one you think it is. The issue is that she wants the title of slave to her Master, but isn't willing to fulfill the role. She's not walking the walk.

_____________________________

WITHOUT "ART" THE EARTH IS JUST "EH"

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(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 7:09:59 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance

Or he could drop being an insecure fuckwit and be a man...

All the things hes asking for are negative in my opinion, you cant turn it around and magically make it positive when it comes across as someone being insecure...

He wants her to turn down 6.5k a year, he wants her to loose weight, and he wants to mark her...

It seems hes lacking in a major way and taking that out on her...

I get what your saying and in another situation it might work much better...but until you find the root of the problem, making a game out of the side effects isnt going to change the fact theres a larger issue present.....

It may not be what would work for you in your relationship. But I don't believe that having expectations for a submissive's appearance and activities equates to insecure fuckwittery. And I certainly don't think that those expectations are indicative of a more rooted problem. There may certainly be problems here - perhaps as basic as they are mismatched - that her reaction to the requests are indicative of. But I respect a man who can be truthful with me about what he would like, even if it's not what I want to hear. I do think there is something to be said for the way in which it's spoken, and whether the submissive feels cherished in her relationship beyond her looks.

Perhaps that's just me, though. So I'll say it that way.

I would be just fine with it, and would never think him to be insecure or a fuckwit, as long as he approached it in a way that didn't make me feel awful about myself or that the only thing he cares about is my appearance, being marked, or my job.

(Though, I still think the job thing is completely separate. There's got to be more there that we don't know.)

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 11:04:28 AM

Kana

Posts: 6674
Joined: 10/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance

Or he could drop being an insecure fuckwit and be a man...

All the things hes asking for are negative in my opinion, you cant turn it around and magically make it positive when it comes across as someone being insecure...

He wants her to turn down 6.5k a year, he wants her to loose weight, and he wants to mark her...

It seems hes lacking in a major way and taking that out on her...

I get what your saying and in another situation it might work much better...but until you find the root of the problem, making a game out of the side effects isnt going to change the fact theres a larger issue present.....

Ok. I said I was gonna quit, but I can’t. This is just wrong in so many ways I have to point it out.
So here we go…

“Or he could drop being an insecure fuckwit and be a man...”

Where in the world has this guy come off as insecure in the least? We don’t know him. We don’t know his side of the story. What we do know is hers, what she has told us and nothing that she has said gives us any indication to believe that he is insecure in any way.
In fact, we know almost nothing about the circumstances.
They’ve been together 3 years. Maybe she was a skinny toothpick when they met and she’s put on a few pounds. Maybe he’s the one who has been consistent and she is the one who hasn’t. There are a million ways this thing could go-none of which have anything to do with “insecurity” or being a man.
In fact, I could, and would, argue that by being straight up with her, telling her what he wants and needs instead of hiding it, or worse saying nothing and letting it turn toxic inside of him, he had the huevos and the basic human decency to tell her what his expectations in and from her.
You know, a crazy thing like being honest in your relationship…with your partner.
That’s what a man does. That’s what a secure person does. That’s not the act of a childish ass.

And since we are here anyhow, can I point out how massively insulting it is to the OP to presume, and that’s exactly the word I wanna use, presume, things and weakness in the man she has spent 3 bloody years with.
I mean, we ain’t talking a few play dates, a month or two high school romance type shit.
We’re talking three years.
Don’t you think we should give her some benefit of the doubt and think that she has been with this guy because he is a decent dom, not whatever the hell you are trying to paint him to be?
Don’t you think that if he was an insensitive insecure wimp that she woulda left a long time ago? Or at least mentioned it in her posts. I mean, fuck-by projecting..whoops, did I say that?...I meant, assuming, in the manner that you are, you are making her look and sound to be an idjit, not him.
Instead she says nothing negative about him, as a man or as a dom. She has some issues with things he wants, but these things happen in any relationship, bound, nilla, whatever. That's just life.

Anything negative on a personal level is coming from you. Not her.

All the things he’s asking for are negative in my opinion, you cant turn it around and magically make it positive when it comes across as someone being insecure...

Why are they so negative?
And what is he doing that’s outside his prerogative (Other than the tattoo, because that was a prearranged limit. But that doesn’t mean it's not open for discussion. Cuz that’s what people in relationships do, ya know, they communicate. Crazy, ain’t it? Besides, I already tabled that long ago in my original post so there’s no need to talk about this)
Let me repeat again. She serves him. She surrendered to him. Not once. Not for a night or some slap, spank, tickle shit. She has surrendered for 3 years. She gave herself to him…to do with as he would.So, if he wants something from her-then it’s on her to obey. If she can’t meet his needs, then she should beat it, cuz who wants to serve someone you can’t satisfy?
And if she can’t or won’t, then he should do the same, because who wants or needs a slave who can’t meet your needs?
So let’s get the brass tacks of this thing straight.
She serves. He rules Thus, it is on her to actualize. Not bloody question. Not whine, mope or lollygag.
Do.
When your boss tells you to do something, you do it or you expect to get fired.
When a private in the army gets an order, he doesn’t question his CO (That’s not his fucking place). He snaps to and obeys.
And when a slave gets an order, it’s on her ass to make it happen unless there is a legitimate reason she cannot do it (Like say, health)

I mean, fuck, folks. This is simple stuff. It ain’t complex. It ain’t rocket science.
She exists to serve. That’s her freaking role in the relationship. That’s what the relationship is based around.
It ain’t asking too much to have her do her damn job.

In fact, he doesn’t even have to have a reason to ask her to do a thing. Maybe he likes skinny chicks, maybe tattoos turn him on. Maybe he gets off hearing her belly rumble. Maybe he has long term health concerns. Maybe he wants her to do it just because he wants her to do it.
Maybe he likes watching her suffer.
Maybe he is doing it simply to be an ass and get under her skin.
Maybe he just wants to see if she has the discipline to follow through.
WTF knows, and really the reason is irrelevant.
The only thing that matters, and to her the only thing that should matter, is accomplishing the task set before her, as best as she possibly can.

Anything else is just poppycock.

Moving on…

And what exactly about telling her what he likes/wants/expects reeks of insecurity? I just don't see it. He sacked up, came out with what he wanted and put it in clear terms. Don't sound insecure in the least to these ears.

He wants her to turn down 6.5k a year, he wants her to lose weight, and he wants to mark her...

(Fixed the spelling for you)
OK. We’ve tabled the tattoo, beat the weight thing to death, now, lets talk about the job.
She clearly states that she’s a nurse (WTF is with nurses and kink? I swear, you can’t swing a dead cat by the tail in an ER w/o hitting at least three kinky people…and they all work at the hospital!). She works a job with a lot of hours, a job she frequently gives extra free time too, staying an hour or two late a shift.
We don’t know the circumstances surrounding the raise offer, but maybe, just maybe, he felt it was to her detriment for some reason.
As in she would be working an extra 20 hours a week to make that extra 6,5000?
Or maybe it entailed travel. Or really freaky hours. Or working in a really dangerous hospital.
But for all we know he has a damn good valid reason for her not to take it.

In fact, since they have been together so long, they deserve some credit for being able to work things out together. You know, because they’ve done OK with it so far.

It seems he’s lacking in a major way and taking that out on her...

How do you know this? What in the world has given you that idea? Do you have a single rational reason to show us that would indicate this?
Who does this seem to, except you?
And how exactly is asking someone (Which is a not nicer than moi-I’m threatening that PDX90 diet, or whatever the hell it is. Besides which, I don’t ask, I tell. That’s what doms do, ya know-they dominate.) to do something taking “it out on her?”

My point is that, in this, as so many, many other forum discussions, that we don’t know the entirety of the situation. We see a small sliver, as seen through one parties eyes.
We don’t know him.
We don’t know her.
We have zero, as in zilch, none, nada, nein, not a whiff, of what their lives are really like.
We don’t have his side of the story.
We don’t have a single iota of a clue what’s really going on
(I mean fuck, this could be Arpig incarnation 10,282)

What we do have, way too fucking frequently, is a collective rush to judgment, judgment’s that, for the most part, tend to be mostly based on personal past experiences, good or bad.

And that’s just flat out wrong.
It’s wrong in too many ways to count.
It’s irresponsible. It’s selfish. It’s self centered. It’s certainly vainglorious. And it’s just fucking inane.
I mean what the hell else do you call it when folks speak out their ass?…and that’s exactly what making calls based on incomplete and erroneous information is.

Three years is a long time. Couples that last that long-they’ve been through the wars together. They know each other inside and out. They know who they are partnered with, what makes em tick, what makes em happy, what doesn’t.
That’s not something just casually tossed aside. That’s a mammoth investment of time, energy, blood, sweat and tears…on both parties behalf.

You are making some serious calls about this guy’s character with little to no info.
Me? I’m gonna choose to have a little faith in the OP-in her judgment, in her character assessment skills. And why not? She’s on the ground level. She knows what’s going on. Not me. Not you.
And her feet say that he’s been OK for three years-so I’m gonna roll with that.

Anything else is insulting and condescending... TO HER.

Finally, frankly, your “I don’t see much use for men anyhow” that I bolded last time demonstrates the vehement prejudices you pre-possess, thus rendering any opinion you may have regarding men and any relationship with them pretty much null and void because it’s going to be twisted by your own internal bias.

I tossed out a couple wide range solutions. You have chosen to see the negative in every action suggested. You freely admit it is because you are prejudiced against men.
I have tried to look into solutions. You have suggested just cutting and splitting, like three years ain’t jackshit.
On of us has been reasonable and tried to remain open to discussion. One hasn’t.
I’ll give you a hint-that second person I just mentioned… in our little discourse, that ain’t been me.
Just sayin’

edited cuz I can't type

< Message edited by Kana -- 2/27/2012 12:01:48 PM >

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Kaliko)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 12:19:50 PM

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LoreBook

He wants her to get a tattoo; so what?

The what is that it was a hard limit from day one. So what other hard limit does he break next? Maybe send her out to give $5 blow jobs on the street corner till she's earned back the money she lost by not accepting the promotion?

He knew that she was never going to accept body modifications. It may not be a big deal to you but it is to her. She doesn't have to have your limits. She simply needs her own limits respected and for him to keep his word. Which he isn't.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to LoreBook)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 12:26:22 PM

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I don't know either one od you but i am gonna take a stab and a general answwer. That tattoo thinkd is totally unreasonable you told him you would not get one. He agreed or i guess you would not be with him. It's a hard limit should be respected.

As for the job depends on what you would have to do to make the extra money. iI it will take time away from your relationship i can see him not wanting you to take the job.. If he is just insecure about you making more money then him. Well then is just stupid not to take the job.

Now to the losing weight thing. It sounds to me like you are a healthy weight. Maybe you could show your Master links or books that show him that. It may not matter you have not said i would guess you were this weight when you met. If you werre thinner when you met he might just want you to get back down to where you were.

I am lucky i am losing weight because i want to Master is supporting me. He loves me just the way i am though, he would not care if i ever lost anothre pound.

Matt's littleone

< Message edited by littleone35 -- 2/27/2012 12:28:52 PM >

(in reply to Kana)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 1:46:59 PM

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Joined: 2/22/2012
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quote:

The what is that it was a hard limit from day one. So what other hard limit does he break next? Maybe send her out to give $5 blow jobs on the street corner till she's earned back the money she lost by not accepting the promotion?

He knew that she was never going to accept body modifications. It may not be a big deal to you but it is to her. She doesn't have to have your limits. She simply needs her own limits respected and for him to keep his word. Which he isn't.

He isn't? Really? What promise is he breaking? Did he promise not to ask her to get a tattoo or just not to require her to? There's nothing in the OP saying that he was threatening her with punishment or any consequences if she didn't get a tattoo. Nor is there anything there to say he was actually breaking her limit by asking, not requiring, her to get a tattoo. What she said was that he is annoyed that she won't get one.

He wants her to get a tattoo and she won't. This annoys him. He hasn't punished her for it, he hasn't threatened her over it. He hasn't commanded or ordered her to get one, he's asked her to. That's a bit different than breaking a hard limit, don't you think?

Should he drop it? Yes, of course he should, he's asked repeatedly and gotten the same negative answer so he should just give it a rest. But, what he is doing is nagging her, not forcing her or breaking any limit. He's might be being a jerk of a BF, but he's not being an abusive or bad Dom.

I'd love to know where all the subs/slaves who are trashing the guy are getting their information, because it certainly isn't in the OP. You're reading a whole lot of stuff into the OP that just isn't there.

_____________________________

WITHOUT "ART" THE EARTH IS JUST "EH"

LLT

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 5:27:14 PM

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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In my relationship, none of these requests would be a big deal. He is the one in charge and he gets to make the rules; I get to do as I am told and if given permission express my opinion.

That is my understanding of a master/slave relationship.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Jessymarieh)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 5:49:16 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jessymarieh

Hi there,

I just wanted to share my situation and see if any of you have been in a similar situation.

I have been together with my Master for 3 years now, we live together and are usually very happy! Have known him 8 years so we are very close. I just feel like recently he wants me to be something else. For example he wants me to lose some weight. I am not fat, I go running 3 or 4 times a week and eat well! So I joined weight watchers and have stuck to it for 2 months with only 2lb loss. I am human at the end of the day and the fact that he doesn't like how I look is making me upset and my confidence is at an all time low.
I have talked to him about it and he said not to get upset about it.
He is also annoyed at me because time and time again I refuse to get a tattoo. I told him this when we first met, and I will never change my mind. He always wants me to turn down a promotion at work, which is a 6.5k pay increase.

It is just getting to much to handle now, I just feel like I love him, but will never be what he wants me to be.
Maybe he just wants me to be a skinny girl, that always says yes, and stays at home all day.

I think we need to sit down and talk about what we want.

The Bolded parts in the op is what makes me think Hes insecure, you can call me a man hater or whatever, the relationship recently has changed, hes attempting to violate limits, hes setting her up to fail, shes not happy, and feels she can no longer be what he wants...

but the its just recently... shes gotten a promotion to make more money, and just recently.... hes now setting her up to fail... By bloody george i think there might be a connection there...

Ive been in situations where i cannot please my partner no matter how much i try... even if he says dont worry or dont get upset, it doesnt stop the fact that i know ive failed what he wants, it makes me and im going to make an assumption here... most submissives feel like crap...

I work in a decent paying field, i make more then most guys in my area... I get the you should quit and be blah blah blah blah.... all the time..

Fact is Most men cannot handle a woman who makes more money then him It hurts their ego...

Im a submissive not a slave, i do not prescribe to the I say you obey with out thought school of thought... I expect to get what i give in the relationship.. this is my preferred dynamic to be with someone who isnt going to set me up to fail...who isnt going to make me feel miserable just because he gets off on it, it might work for some, but it doesnt work for me... I dont get off on being miserable, and frankly i dont think any person in my life should strive to make me suffer just because... the only thing it will earn them is being single...

Most men are not worth the effort it takes to get laid, notice what i said there.. get.. laid.. not submit too.. not enter into a power exchange dynamic with... nothing more then getting laid...

its nothing to do with hating men. I dont hate men, I do not dislike them or anything else. I love Men, not boys but men...

Perhaps im simply tired of seeing 100 boys every time i log on who are married and cheating on their spouses...

We can only give our opinions from our personal experiences, thats it, nothing more nothing less, we cannot magically take our personal experiences out of what we post... If we arent to post about what we know.. which is our personal experiences, then theres no point in having a forum or anyone asking questions....

My personal experience shows this guy is insecure, and something in the relationship has caused him to feel insecure in his ownership of her.. its why hes pushing to mark her, and make her loose weight.. and turn down a promotion, because Something HAS changed... and he isnt feeling so comfortable in his place in her life...

Ever think that maybe just maybe he wants her to turn down the promotion because it would mean she would have enough now to live on her own comfortably, and she might start reevaluating her relationship? Or that in the 3 years theyve been together the running and such that she does put her in great shape, and he himself is now looking a little flabby and is just not measuring up? And hes trying to push it off on her? Eh?... No.. It cant possibly be any of that... never

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to Jessymarieh)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 5:57:08 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
In my relationship, none of these requests would be a big deal. He is the one in charge and he gets to make the rules; I get to do as I am told and if given permission express my opinion. That is my understanding of a master/slave relationship.

Well yes, sure. But as we all know, Knight's an evil abusive predator as some of the comments on this thread "clearly" indicate. Actually, in more seriousess, that's why I prefer TPE. When everything is "in bounds" then there's no need to worry about what's a reasonable command and what isn't. The only thing Carol needs to worry about is whether or not I've become generally "unworthy" in her eyes. TPE really is a lot simpler than the whole limits gig if you can pull it off.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to kyraofMists)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 7:18:44 PM

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quote:

TPE really is a lot simpler than the whole limits gig if you can pull it off.

Ain't that the truth.

Anything less just seems like a lot of work and stress, having to actually think and say all the time "No" or "yes" or whatever. TPE is easy...just do lol...no thinking involved, no having to sit around ask think about it.

It just seems like so much.....work.

_____________________________

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Everything has changed

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RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 7:30:18 PM

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From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LoreBook
What she said was that he is annoyed that she won't get one.

He wants her to get a tattoo and she won't. This annoys him. He hasn't punished her for it, he hasn't threatened her over it. He hasn't commanded or ordered her to get one, he's asked her to. That's a bit different than breaking a hard limit, don't you think?

No I don't. He agreed to her hard limits in the beginning. That means he understood it is entirely off the table.

Now suddenly he doesn't understand it anymore and he's making it an issue. He's pushing her to break a hard limit. A limit he promised to abide by. Which makes him a liar in my book. Apparently in yours that would only occur if he tied her down and branded her.

More importantly, it is disturbing enough to the op to ask advice about it. Which means she doesn't see it as a minor issue. Even though you do. Again, you seem to feel that anything you don't have as a hard limit shouldn't be a hard limit for anyone else. And you're wrong.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to LoreBook)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 7:32:45 PM

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jessymarieh

Hi there,

I just wanted to share my situation and see if any of you have been in a similar situation.

I have been together with my Master for 3 years now, we live together and are usually very happy! Have known him 8 years so we are very close. I just feel like recently he wants me to be something else. For example he wants me to lose some weight. I am not fat, I go running 3 or 4 times a week and eat well! So I joined weight watchers and have stuck to it for 2 months with only 2lb loss. I am human at the end of the day and the fact that he doesn't like how I look is making me upset and my confidence is at an all time low.
I have talked to him about it and he said not to get upset about it.
He is also annoyed at me because time and time again I refuse to get a tattoo. I told him this when we first met, and I will never change my mind. He always wants me to turn down a promotion at work, which is a 6.5k pay increase.

It is just getting to much to handle now, I just feel like I love him, but will never be what he wants me to be.
Maybe he just wants me to be a skinny girl, that always says yes, and stays at home all day.

I think we need to sit down and talk about what we want.

I'll take you. Where do you live? I say, take the 7k bump, work it for a year and use the cash to move in with me.

(in reply to Jessymarieh)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 7:34:45 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LoreBook

quote:

The what is that it was a hard limit from day one. So what other hard limit does he break next? Maybe send her out to give $5 blow jobs on the street corner till she's earned back the money she lost by not accepting the promotion?

He knew that she was never going to accept body modifications. It may not be a big deal to you but it is to her. She doesn't have to have your limits. She simply needs her own limits respected and for him to keep his word. Which he isn't.
He isn't? Really? What promise is he breaking? Did he promise not to ask her to get a tattoo or just not to require her to? There's nothing in the OP saying that he was threatening her with punishment or any consequences if she didn't get a tattoo. Nor is there anything there to say he was actually breaking her limit by asking, not requiring, her to get a tattoo. What she said was that he is annoyed that she won't get one.

He wants her to get a tattoo and she won't. This annoys him. He hasn't punished her for it, he hasn't threatened her over it. He hasn't commanded or ordered her to get one, he's asked her to. That's a bit different than breaking a hard limit, don't you think?

Should he drop it? Yes, of course he should, he's asked repeatedly and gotten the same negative answer so he should just give it a rest. But, what he is doing is nagging her, not forcing her or breaking any limit. He's might be being a jerk of a BF, but he's not being an abusive or bad Dom.

I'd love to know where all the subs/slaves who are trashing the guy are getting their information, because it certainly isn't in the OP. You're reading a whole lot of stuff into the OP that just isn't there.

quote:

WITHOUT "ART" THE EARTH IS JUST "EH"

THAT's fucking awesome!

(I'm stealing it).

< Message edited by LookieNoNookie -- 2/27/2012 7:36:01 PM >

(in reply to LoreBook)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 8:07:14 PM

Posts: 1212
Joined: 6/20/2009
Status: offline

I dont often agree with Des, but a hard limit isnt something that can be nagged about 3 years in.

Hard limits are not pushable, soft limits may be.

The weight thing, unless she's put on weight, why has he all of a sudden decided she needs to change?

The promotion is just a non starter.

Ok for those that think that a slave has no say.
I didnt see anywhere in the OP her saying she was a TPE slave. Your way might work for you, but some of us do things differently. Calling someone Master does not mean we gave up all rights.

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 9:34:48 PM

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: frazzle
I didnt see anywhere in the OP her saying she was a TPE slave. Your way might work for you, but some of us do things differently. Calling someone Master does not mean we gave up all rights.

She didn't say she was a TPE slave... and even if she had it would change nothing. Labels never change anything. Agreements don't change anything. Rights don't change anything. When you get past all that stuff you're left with the reality of the relationship... the give and take between the participants.

The bottom line here, sliced in whatever way anyone wants to, is that she's not feeling like she's getting enough out of the relationship to provide the things he's asking for. Basically, the guy has overdrawn his account... dramatically given that she came here to ask these questions. Whether he ought to be able to give those commands is one of those hypothetical things.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to frazzle)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 9:36:19 PM

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jessymarieh

Hi there,

I just wanted to share my situation and see if any of you have been in a similar situation.

I have been together with my Master for 3 years now, we live together and are usually very happy! Have known him 8 years so we are very close. I just feel like recently he wants me to be something else. For example he wants me to lose some weight. I am not fat, I go running 3 or 4 times a week and eat well! So I joined weight watchers and have stuck to it for 2 months with only 2lb loss. I am human at the end of the day and the fact that he doesn't like how I look is making me upset and my confidence is at an all time low.
I have talked to him about it and he said not to get upset about it.
He is also annoyed at me because time and time again I refuse to get a tattoo. I told him this when we first met, and I will never change my mind. He always wants me to turn down a promotion at work, which is a 6.5k pay increase.

It is just getting to much to handle now, I just feel like I love him, but will never be what he wants me to be.
Maybe he just wants me to be a skinny girl, that always says yes, and stays at home all day.

I think we need to sit down and talk about what we want.

Call me crazy, but when I read the bolded parts it tells me the OP is insecure, not her partner. Why? Because it's all things that she feels, not things that he has expressed. And as we all know as women though some more loath to admit than others, just because we feel a certain way at certain times does not make it true, real, or intentional.

I'm also having issues with the "Hard Limit" argument. Yes, clearly if it is a hard limit he should respect it. But it does not seem from what she's said that tattoos was clearly laid out as a hard limit. She said she doesn't like them, and that she told him when they first met (which was 8 years ago in a vanilla context) that she wouldn't get them. She also said that she has continued to this day to refuse to get one. Which is not a clear "This is a Hard Limit for me", so where are you all getting the "hard limit" from? Are we as Dom/mes just meant to take whatever our subs and slaves have a less-than-enthusiastic attitude towards as a hard limit now?

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/27/2012 9:44:45 PM

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana

Yeah, I would have to say I vehemently disagree with Kana.

DTMFA.

It's all good. I tend to view things through the perspective of a 24/7 TPE, so my opinions tend to be on the bit more drastic side.
He owns her. That means mind, body and soul.
She willingly gave herself to him.
If he wants to do something to the body he owns, that's his prerogative.

If she can't meet his needs, then she should split.
Who wants to serve someone whose basic needs one can't satisfy?

And if he can't create a structure where she can meet his needs, and she continues to be unable to do so (Note how I ain't blaming (God, I hate that word) one person or another but am instead placing equal possibilities for any possible failure on both parties?), then he should let her go because it's just damn selfish to hold onto someone under such circumstances.

I couldn't have said it better myself........well okay I could have but I wouldn't want to show Kana up.

Seriously though, I think everything is contextual. Sir absolutely forbid me from applying or accepting certain well paying positions when I was out of work recently...Does that make him a horrible ogre??No..simply a man who was looking out for what's best for me. He has also been wonderfully motivating about losing weight. Does that make him an abusive asshat?? Not in the slightest..As fucked up as I am........even I know he thinks I'm beautiful the way I am....but loves me toouch to let me stay here...
Kali

< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 2/27/2012 10:03:06 PM >

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to Kana)

RE: He wants me to change....? - 2/28/2012 2:40:21 AM

Posts: 17
Joined: 10/22/2011
Status: offline

Honestly.. if they want you to change and you're not ready, it's going to branch off into other areas. The weight is probably the first step in trying to get you to be put under his thumb entirely. You're willing to do that, but then it's going to start to go elsewhere.
Now as I read through the comments you're a slave.. not a submissive. You're not his equal in any way shape or form.
Coming from a submissive I understand but it seems you need to sit down and talk so as to find out your real place since it seems like the limits are submissive not slave. From what I understand, slaves are typically on the level of tables, chairs, etc. [No offense to any slaves who think differently, I may have this totally wrong.] You can paint a chair yellow, pink, whatever, shape it to your desire, put your stamp on it, etc. It seems like he views you as such. A prized possession and a companion where as you're coming from the submissive view as you're a companion and his equal.
From my experience as a submissive, I've always been an equal except when my Master has put his foot down. He's stubborn and he'd sooner pick my up and make me listen than give in. [I'm also stubborn so making me listen is sometimes a challenge..] But he's usually looking out for my best interest. I willingly give in to him, I am not owned by him.
In this situation it seems as everyone above has said, you are a slave and you are owned by him. Unless you choose to leave, it'll be his way or no way at all. There's not much else to say besides that you sound more like you've taken the submissive side and he still thinks you're a slave and you two really need to sit down and talk about what you really are.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Kalista07)

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