Kana
Posts: 6674
Joined: 10/24/2006
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OK dude.
I'm not gonna hammer you. In fact, I'm gonna say that in many ways you sound about where I was as a teenager.
This ain't a knock on ya, please don't take it that way. It's more a comment directed at the emotional mental space you sound like you are in.
Lemme lay some facts out for ya, things from my experience/perspective
1-Start with this-I love women, as in adore em, love em, think they are far and away the best thing God ever made. I open doors for em, treat em with class and dignity (Well, sometimes, in the appropriate times and places). I can be kind, considerate,a great listener, a loyal friend, a shoulder to cry on, that person who is always there, the safest man she'll ever meet.
2-That said, sure I've objectified em (And so has every man that's ever lived. Don't even lie and say otherwise. We've all undressed chicks with our eyes to the porn reel in our head. Don't even come at me and deny...unless you're gay, in which case you've done it to men). I've never thought so much that a woman was a wayward soul that needed correcting, but I've had, ahem, carnivorous, thoughts. This happened lots more before I got majorly involved in BDSM but it still happens...daily, at that. Cripes, I can't even begin to tell you the indescribable things that come to mind when I watch the first Tomb Raider :-)
3-Yeah, I tend to be controlling, both in BDSM and in the nilla relationships I've attempted. I can't help it. It's who and what I am. I like to take charge...not so much because I need/want to be a bigshot or anything, but usually because I'm an impatient guy, hate to see shit done improperly, and since no one else competent is stepping up to the plate I fill the vacuum...and people seem to be OK with it-hell, they volunteer me.
4-Within context, thinking of her as mine or owned isn't wrong. Heck, I know lots of chicks who love the idea of being property, being taken makes em wet. Of course, you also sound like you suffer a bit from Hasselhoff syndrome-you know, always ready to go grab a buoy and charge into the water ready to rescue the damsel in distress. I got news for ya-women don't need rescuing. They do fine on their own. (Matter of fact, its kinda condescending and rubs lotsa folks, slaves included, the wrong way. For some strange reason they feel it's somewhat demeaning...shrugs...can't imagine why?)
5-Why would you need to give up control to be in a relationship? Lotsa folks do it every day...and have zip to do with BDSM. Call it 50's household, traditional marriages, middle eastern cultures (Just kidding, just kidding!), whatever.
6-You just think about tying chicks up every once in a while....as in "very very rare occasions." Cripes. I used to think about it fifty times a day...and that was a slow day...and tying things up, well, that was just the amuse-bouche. Hell, point of fact, I still do, except now those little fantasies involve things like pears and skewers and needle teethed clamps.
7-So you had a BDSM experience and it stirred shit up, woke up feelings and things ain't been the same. Congrats. It happens often. BDSM arouses violent and strong feelings (At least in me), feelings and parts of me that were scary, dark, dangerous and way way the fuck out there. And it was tempting, oh so fucking tempting, like dancing on the edge of a dream long held. ..and I wanted to go back, ASAP.Slaves call it subfrenzy-people do weird shit to get back to that feeling.
8-Because of this I felt all fucked up inside and about myself. I mean, society has told me all my life that this shit is wrong, that people who like this, that feel the way I do-that they are all FUBAR, future serial killers and rapists, bad bad men. For christ's sakes, I have sisters. How would they react if they knew what appeals to me sexually? And thus I had secrets, dark nasty secrets that made me feel dirty, less than, ashamed.
9-All of which lead to being torn, and a man at war with hisownbadself can never be whole or complete...much less be capable of being in a relationship.
10-Meaning I could never hold a real relationship together because I couldn't bring all of me into it. I lied about what I liked, lied that I was happy within the relationship, lied that she fulfilled me. And knowing that I lied, knowing that I was only using her, that made me hate me just a little more each day until reached a point where I realized I could no longer do vanilla and live with myself as a man and as a person. And we won't even mention how grossly unfair it was to the women I was involved with.
11-So dude, you ain't alone. You ain't even totally FUBAR. Yeah, you're a bit creepy and definitely a bit twisted sexually, but so the fuck what. Ain't we all?
Here's what I did.
-Got right with me. That's one of those things that's real easy to write but a bitch to do. Took about a decade.
-Made some decisions about what I needed/had to have in a relationship and refused to compromise. Committed to power based relationships/interactions. If she wasn't willing to give up the control I needed, I didn't go into the relationship. And I was always straight up...in advance.
-Met someone special...and we went on a journey together, into us. Because in the end, its a thing that happens between two people who share all of each other...and in doing so, both are freed.
edited for spacing to make things more readable
< Message edited by Kana -- 6/2/2012 2:18:08 PM >
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"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST
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