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Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 5:24:00 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Several of our recent threads have been hitting on this subject of negotiation. What do you talk about? Where do you start? What should be included.

I'm starting this thread to help people guide themselves through the negotiation process. I want folks to be educated.

I suppose I should start a bit.....

Hard limits should be discussed. You want to play? Great! What can't I do?

Do you have medical issues that I need to know about? If you pass out, can you give Me a hint as to why?

What is your pain tolerance like? What kind of toys can't you handle?

What are your aftercare needs?

This is nowhere the comprehensive list, but obviously, this is something we should talk about here. I'm opening the floor.


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RE: Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 5:36:44 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline 		There should be an injection of "non-play" that affects play. Practical little things in life: When are you available? Do you have any other obligations that can take precedence (raising kids is the obvious one but other factors may apply, like work)? Methods of contact - email, phone, text, which are feasible, and when? Do you have transportation (this can be LD or apply to huge cities like Toronto, or spacious states like Texas)? These things will affect play, so they're worth discussing.


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RE: Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 6:06:45 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RemoteUser

There should be an injection of "non-play" that affects play. Practical little things in life: When are you available? Do you have any other obligations that can take precedence (raising kids is the obvious one but other factors may apply, like work)? Methods of contact - email, phone, text, which are feasible, and when? Do you have transportation (this can be LD or apply to huge cities like Toronto, or spacious states like Texas)? These things will affect play, so they're worth discussing.



If LP is discussing scene negotiation, this doesn't apply.

LP, you just mentioned the don't-do stuff. How about the to-do stuff? Like what each likes.

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RE: Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 6:10:22 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		The big one that it seems that most don't ask: What happens in the case pregnancy?

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RE: Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 6:13:04 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I have never gotten anyone pregnant... and not everyone plays sexually...

Though excellent point, that whole STI discussion is often glossed over.

LP, I really don't remember doing anything more complex than what you mentioned. What's a NO, what are your health concerns...

Bad Dom Hib

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RE: Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 6:44:35 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		I don't play scenes, LP i'm going to assume
this negotiation topic is broader than sadistic
pain play type negotiation and put a few of
my general D/s relationship things, which
some also apply to relationships with me in
general.

#1
When first getting to know someone I state
very clearly that honesty is a big thing for me,
No matter what it is I want them to tell me as
honestly and openly as they can whats
happening/happened and trust that I a cool
enough guy that no subject is taboo and there
is always the option of working things out,
aslong as their willing to put in the effort.

Having said that, I will at most only meet them
half way, if that's not enough then they have
to make a decision about what their priorities
are.

#2
With the D/s specifically, I don't have to roll that
way and if a girl doesn't like how I run things,
there is always the option of taking a break and
re-examining what both of us actually want.
(I say break as in, going back a step to a more
conventional relationship)
Been there, and when we did take a step back
to have a look at our relationship it became
apparent that without the D/s the only thing we
had really was the sex and so not the best
foundation to build anything on really.

#3
Is, probably trust and communication,
I know trust isn't build over night but I really
don't do many things lightly or without
thinking about the whole situation and
wellbeing of my partner, while I am open to
some amount of questioning about my motives,
I'm certainly not open to it constantly and
theres a fine line between that and second
guessing which I have a very low tolerance for.

I need them to accept that what I do is the
right thing, this is more of a process than a
negotiation but it is something I touch on early.

-ARIES


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RE: Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 6:52:37 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I discuss matters of hygiene ahead of time because when I don't I'm sorry >_<

Nothing gets me out of Sub Space and into Mom Space than having to interrupt a scene to say, "Please wash your hands."

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RE: Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 6:56:42 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
Sunny
Quote of the day
goes to
kalikshama
for

Nothing gets me out of Sub Space
and into Mom Space than
having to interrupt a scene to say,
"Please wash your hands."


http://www.collarchat.com/m_4213860/tm.htm

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RE: Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 7:00:37 PM   
onceshattered


Posts: 117
Joined: 7/30/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you for starting this thread LadyPact.

As I'm trying to get out from behind my computer this is something that I've been thinking a lot about. While I have a lot of "theory" I just don't have the practical experience yet so I'm not really sure what should be included in this type of discussion other than those hard limits. I don't want to have to rely on the Dom to bring these subjects up because then I might be missing something important, so I would imagine it's better to be proactive about it.

I'm definitely keeping an eye on this thread. Thank you again.

-os

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RE: Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 7:02:29 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

What is your pain tolerance like? What kind of toys can't you handle?


Do you find the answers to this question useful? In general, I haven't. I've known a few experienced, heavy bottoms who could tell me very precisely where they were at, but most of the women I've whaled on didn't really know, or had very different levels of pain tolerance depending on how much they trusted me, or were aroused by me.

Instead, I've found it useful to have the equivalent of a "dial-it-up word," like "Oh yessssss" meaning "you can hit me harder please," or the position of someone's feet being caned as an indication of pain tolerance. Feet flat on the floor, continue or ramp things up, she lifts on to her toes, lighten up.

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RE: Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 7:07:02 PM   
Lucifyre


Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline 		What bare your interests i the relationship? How far are you willing/interested in taking this?

Any time we engage with anyone, whether it be paying a cashier for goods, or getting romantically involved with someone, to anywhere in between, you are engaging in a type of relationship, so IMO in D/s considering it is a little bit of a deeper level relatiionship than a simple vanilla bf/gf type or whatever, it's important to know where your potential scenemates head is at...are they looking for a romantic side of it, or is a simple beat and greet what they want? Do your needs/wants match the other persons?

Have you had a recent std panel run? Are you looking to be fluid bonded?

What are your feelings towards how to handle a sitation if something goes wrong?

*just a few off the top of my head*

Lucifyre

p.s. Thanks LAdyP for bringing this topic up. Since Mr and I are very soon going to hopefully be involved in these types of conversations, it will be very nice to have something to use as a base as we learn how to "date" instead of trying to fly by the seat of our oants and possibly miss something important.

< Message edited by Lucifyre -- 8/20/2012 7:10:01 PM >

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The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

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RE: Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 7:29:32 PM   
displeased


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/20/2012
Status: offline 		I never negotiated with him. I never told him I didn't want this or that. I never told him any limits. He said that if I wanted to be his slave, it was his way or the highway. If I didn't like it I was always free to leave.

So he commands and I do. No negotiations.

ETA: Ok, there was one question he asked me. Do I have any STDs and when was the last time I had a test. That was it that I can think of.

< Message edited by displeased -- 8/20/2012 7:31:59 PM >

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RE: Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 7:30:29 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		- How loud can I scream?

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RE: Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 7:31:11 PM   
CRYPTICLXVI


Posts: 3907
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

- How loud can I scream?


Doesn't that just mean "Thank you Sir, may I have another?"

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RE: Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 8:51:12 PM   
SWDesertDom


Posts: 231
Joined: 4/5/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CRYPTICLXVI


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

- How loud can I scream?


Doesn't that just mean "Thank you Sir, may I have another?"


Not when the answer to that question is "loud enough to make the nosy neighbors call the police at 2AM."

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RE: Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 8:54:46 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I guess negotiations would be important if you're casually playing with someone but I don't really see what use they are for a long term relationship where you will find out all this stuff as you just get to know one another and figure out if you are compatible or not or if you both just intend to bottom and top each other and/or only do this in the bedroom.

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RE: Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 8:57:28 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I don't really negotiate with anyone I have been with. I got to know them (for the most part) and if I thought there was anything to worry about, I would not play with them.

I can honestly say that I have been lucky in really never having had a bad play experience, even if it was someone I recently met.

The only bad things that ever happened to me in a play sense were from my ex boyfriend, who I knew for years. It is the difference that the other men respected me and if anything went too far, they listened. He did not.

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RE: Negotiation education - 8/20/2012 10:33:07 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		I don't play casually with people I don't know. I have a submissive and a play partner, and I Top another Domme's sub for her as she has health issues so I help her out. So, if I were going to play with someone new, I would ask:

Is he married/in a relationship already? If so, does the Mrs/S.O. KNOW what's going on? Because I won't help him cheat.

Hygiene. I need my partner to be clean.

What he likes, dislikes, is curious about, and his hard limits.

What's his experience level?

Does he use a safeword and, if so, what is it.

Health & medical issues. That also includes triggers and what causes them to act up.

STD status and date of his last testing, if I were planning to include sex in our activities.

Does he like pain? If so, a lot or a little, and what kind? I always increase that slowly, so I can find his limit without going overboard.

Aftercare. What does he like/not like?

If I'm considering someone for an actual relationship rather than play partner, I will ask what sort of relationship he's envisioning. Does he want it to be strictly D/s, or include the rest of the relationship stuff too?

I'd say I expect honesty and also for him to speak up if something's bothering him.

And, if there's anything I haven't mentioned, does he have any questions for me.

NBMG


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RE: Negotiation education - 8/21/2012 7:23:17 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Negotiate? Negotiate?
Who negotiates? I tell em my expectations and they can either accept or move on. Hey, she can ask for boons, or acts of kindness, but negotiate, that implies bargaining and she has no chips to bargain with cuz she has no power in this here game.
Hell I'd wanted to negotiate I'd get a submissive or, gasp, a GF.

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RE: Negotiation education - 8/21/2012 7:56:34 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I thought about it some more.

I have never done anything serious in terms of negotiation outside of a really really complicated scene. With a sub or regular playmate, our entire relationship is a form of "negotiation" in that we're getting to know each other. I *pay attention*. Even worse, I *remember*. Every offhand comment at a party, every suggestion, it all gets shoved into my subconscious. Every scene adds to the one before. The basic questions really do cover it, for me.

No one's dead, so far, and people still play with me, so I reckon it's working.

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