OK, this is going to be long. Really long. I apologize for the scrollage that will ensue, but...I think some of you will enjoy this. This happened a while ago when I had a different profile here on CM. This was my all time favorite ever epic conversation with the world's dumbest guy. I am nice to people as long as they approach me politely even if they approach in a stupid way, but when somebody is a douche right out of the gate I put my snarkin' pants on. Keep in mind that at no point in this conversation, except for the very last couple of responses I sent him, was I ever being serious (hopefully that comes through loud and clear, but I have had people ask me about things in my list of household items or other things...so please don't take offense at my slavery references, they were only meant to mock this moron's stupid porn-induced fantasies). Already rearranged to read top to bottom and broken into chunks to make it easier to read without having to scroll quite as much.
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: you will make a fine latex cow
Me: Refer to my profile. You are one of those whom I speak. [My profile says there are a lot of pricks on collarme.]
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: you need to be my cow
Me: Oh yeah, baby. Feed me hay. Shovel up my shit and pile it in a compost bin so you can sell it for extra profit. Dose me with a broad based dewormer twice a year. Ooooh, that's the good stuff.
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: i could turn you into a slave
Me: Mmmm, send me out to the fields to pick cotton. Oh yeah, just like that. Dress me in a sensible cotton dress with a head kerchief to keep my head from burning in the sun. Ooooh. Keep me in a cabin with a bunch of other slaves who are secretly plotting to burn you alive in your bed while you sleep. That's so hot.
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: more like this [He attached several pictures of people dressed head-to-toe in latex, several of them in bondage or with exaggerated sexual features on the latex costume.]
Me: Ohh, yes, cover me in talcum powder, to reduce the naturally high friction latex and bare skin create. Dress me in a thick milky, toxic sap derivative that's been dyed the ridiculously cliched standard black, mmm. Be sure to keep the Epipen ready for when I go into anaphylatic shock because of my latex allergy. With any luck, we can get the EMTs who respond to the emergency call in on the fun. That would be SO HOT.
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: YOIYR BEING SMART ASS WITH ME ANT YOU
Me: What gave you that idea?
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: the way you are saying it in replys now behave and get your ass to [place almost 3,000 miles away from my profile's location--the profile in which I state I won't relocate] to serve me as a spandex slave
Me: Oooh, a spandex slave, that's intriguing. How is one a slave to spandex? Does a slave to spandex have to do lots of hand-washing? That might be kind of hard, seeing as cows don't have hands.
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: THIS [Nothing was attached.]
Me: What is "THIS"?
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: LOOK AT YOUR FUTURE AS MY SLAVE [He attached several pictures of people in spandex. One was a full body suit, including head; one was a pair of women in body suits but not covering their heads, hands, or feet; two of them were obviously taken off fitness websites and showed women in various exercise poses; and one was a person doing the yoga "ohm" position in a full spandex body suit with eyes and mouth cut out.]
Me: Ooo, it looks like the future holds fitness instruction! Fun! Can we get some cute little banana hammocks for you to wear when we go to the gym?
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: FIRST YOU COME TO ME IN [place almost 3,000 miles away from my profile's location--the profile in which I state I won't relocate] THEN ILL PLACE YOU IN YOUR SUIT AND THEN BONDAGE WITH NO WAY BACK
Me: But what about the banana hammock for you? That's very important to my fantasies.
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: IF YOU BUY IT AND THEN FLY OUT THEN YES
Me: I can't afford to fly out there. Can you pay for the plane ticket? And the banana hammock?
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: NO YOU EED TO PROVE TO ME YOU CAN GET TO ME SLAVE
Me: But I just told you that I can't.
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: DO YOU OWN ANYTHING
Me: I own a jar of honey roasted peanuts, a dried leaf collection, one of those pillow pal things that looks like a moose, a lovely set of chiffon curtains (they were only slightly torn up by my former roommate's cat), a stellar set of '80s era VHS tapes, a pineapple plant, 14 pairs of socks, an Ayn Rand novel, a small crockpot that only works on the low setting, some Christmas gift bags, a couple of lint rollers, a package of hairbands, a toothbrush (it's kind of old though, I should probably get a new one sometime), 18 hermit crabs, a bottle of dish washing liquid, some sponges, a tube of toothpaste, a hair brush with most of its bristles still attached, a set of sheets with very few stains, a comforter that I've had to patch a few times, 4 pairs of jeans, 7 shirts, 9 pairs of underwear, a light jacket, a heavy jacket, tennis shoes, a couple of bras (and all my clothes are secondhand except the socks--that would be gross), a box of lasagna noodles, lots of Ramen, half a gallon of milk, all of my hermit crabs' accessories, an ethernet cord (~8' long), a screwdriver (Phillips), a claw hammer, a duffel bag, a nearly empty bottle of shampoo, a few light bulbs, a duct tape wallet, lots of plastic shopping bags, a hand-operated can opener...
This list is getting really long. Why do you want to know what I own? I'm sure we can fit all my stuff in your house. You aren't allergic to hermit crabs, are you? I could never leave my babies behind.
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: I MENT CAR , HOUSE, BIG STUFF ,, SALE WHAT YOU CAN TO GET TO ME IN [place almost 3,000 miles away from my profile's location]
Me: Nope, don't own any of those things. And I refuse to part with my hermit crabs.
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: THEN SAVE THE CASH
Me: Oh cool! How long do you think it will take you to save enough cash to buy my plane ticket?
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: NO YOU SAVE IT MY SLAVE OR SALE WHAT YOU DONT NEED
Me: But masters are supposed to take care of their slaves. How can you be my master if you can't pay for a plane ticket for me (and my hermit crabs)?
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: I SINT CASH TO A SLAVE FOR A FLIGHT 15 YEARS AGO SHE NEVER CAME IM NOT DOING THAT AGAIN
Me: I need to know that you're real before I'll spend any money to get there. I need you to send me a picture of yourself--but to make sure it's really you, I need you to use a marker to write on your abdomen "[my collarme name]" and below that write today's date. Then I'll start working on selling my things so I can fly out to you and be your spandex slave cow. As long as I can bring my hermit crabs.
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: THIS IS ME [no pictures were attached except the standard one it shows next to all his messages, of a completely latex-clad person on all fours on the floor with some rope kind of draped over her haphazardly]
Me: What, you're the one in latex on the floor? I thought you were the latex slave cow *master*.
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: YOUR THE LATEX / SPANDEX SLAVE TO ME DONT YOU FORGET THAT [Here he attached two pictures of an obese guy sporting a perv 'stache. His listed age on cm is 36. Guy in the pics looks more like late 40s/early 50s.]
Me: My apologies. The only picture that showed up at first was the one of the latex slave on the floor. I still need proof the other pictures you sent are real.
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: ME AGAIN MY SLUT [same two pics attached]
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: WHATS YOUR EMAIL SLAVE
Me: Again, how do I know it's you? If you'll just write your name or my name on your belly with a marker, with today's date, then I know it's you and I'll start working on raising the money for a plane ticket.
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: HEAR YOU GO SLAVE [He attached a picture of a piece of paper saying, "IM THE OWNER OF (MY CM NAME) 1/1/12 MASTER (NAME)".]
Me: But that's just a piece of paper. How do I know you're the same person who was in those pics you sent me?
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: best i can do [He attached a picture of himself holding the piece of paper up by his face.]
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: now your face slave with a sign stating your my slave
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: well slave show me you with a paper stating your my slave
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: reply my slave
Me: If I do this, can we make spandex outfits for my hermit crabs? I don't want them to feel left out. They like to wear the same thing I'm wearing.
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: if you want
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: well slave weres your pic of you with your paper stating im your owner
Me: [I attempted to send an image I uploaded to flickr. It didn't go through. I spent the next 15 or so minutes trying to figure out how to get my picture to work. Meanwhile, he grew increasingly impatient...]
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: no lic sind it to [[email protected]]
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: sind it again
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasm: SLAVE RESIND
Me: http://s1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa438/hermitcrabsarefun/?action=view¤t=CrabSigncopy.jpg [Tired of trying to get CM to embed my image from either flickr or photobucket, I just sent him that link url. Be sure to click on it, because this is where I got tired of trolling him. Apparently no amount of ridiculousness or sarcasm could dissuade him from his stupid porn-induced fantasies of a rubber-spandex-cow-latex-slave buying her own plane ticket to come be with him (with her hermit crabs) after some "chatting" with no substance on CM.]
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasmEvenWhenToldWhatItIs: YOUR MINE AND YOU WILL SHOW ME YOUR FACE AND MY OWNERSHIP OVER YOU ON PAPPER
Me: Dude, seriously? Did you even look at the picture I just sent you?
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasmEvenWhenToldWhatItIs: YES AND YOU ARE STILL GOING TO BE MINE YOU WILL BE A FINE RUBBER / SPANDEX SLAVE
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasmEvenWhenToldWhatItIs: YOUR MINE NOW DO AS TOLD SHOW ME A PIC OF YOU WITH A SIGN STATING I OWN YOU
Me: Congratulations. You are too stupid to properly mock any more. Seriously, you've taken all the sport out of it at this point. As ocean waves do slowly, relentlessly, inevitably wear down jutting rock cliffs to grains of sand, you have, by virtue of your incredible gullibility, worn down my ability to continue snarking at your ridiculous, rude, tasteless, and utterly unrealistic way of approaching and talking to women on this site.
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasmEvenWhenToldWhatItIs: IM REAL I DARE YOU TO COME SEE ME
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasmEvenWhenToldWhatItIs: soon as you fly out
Me: I actually feel bad for you now. I'm probably wasting my time typing this out to you, but here's some advice for you: drop the whole, "I R UR DOMINATE, SLAVE" act when you first approach women. It's seriously offputting. You'll get much further with real women if you approach them politely. Say hello, ask how they're doing, ask what they're into (if their profiles do not already indicate that). If they are also into rubber and slavery, THEN it is appropriate to start talking about those things. Honestly, if you treat people on this site with respect, just like you would treat a stranger on the street, you really will have better luck.
Doesn'tUnderstandSarcasmEvenWhenToldWhatItIs: bleave me slave i tryed to do it that way got no wear but now i get responces now your mine get your ass to [place almost 3,000 miles away from my profile's location] now slave
...aaaaand then I just gave up and blocked him.