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RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/7/2013 1:31:47 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SilverBoat


My take on the -reality- oof the guy's interaction with the women, based on the available information, is that he seems rather obviously at least a sexual predator, and of the sort who finds the kink community a more likely place to find women (prey) who are vulnerable to his manipulative schemes. From some sort of distant social-Darwinism perspective, sure, there might be some kind of generic neutral moral ground, that suggests nothing should be done. However, as an influential member of a small community, closer perspective leads to conclusion that actions to preserve its coherence, reputation, well-being, etc could be the most circumspect choice.


Actually, based on what I've read, I believe the guy is a jerk, but I don't buy he is a sexual predator. I think everyone wants to use that term because they really aren't comfortable simply leaving it at jerk. His behavior is not "predatory." Could it be considered "emotionally abusive?" From what I have read? Definitely. Emotionally abusive doesn't equal sexual predator.


quote:


So, what to do? ... Start with the serenity criteria, and go heavy on the wisdom-to-know-the-difference ...

It looks like the predator has hooks somehow into the party-host, maybe even just to the extent that he was bringing some fresh one-(or-few)-time(s) female meat to the events, which, if going commercial, traffic is seen as 'good' for drawing participants (not unlike sometime trolling events here, eh?) To that end, they'll continue cooperating in scheming to continue as they are, and frankly, even if they acknowledge fault, they won't be sincere. That's just typical of those sorts.


This is the most far fetched conclusion I have seen yet, even more so than concluding the guy is a serial rapist. This woman was not a witness to the events in question as they don't occur at her parties. That's been stated repeatedly by both the OP and the women making the accusations over on FetLife. So her decision isn't because he has "his hooks" in her, or because she is trying to drive traffic to her parties.

quote:


Your best bet, I'd recommend, is educating the potential victims (which efforts have begun already?), continue efforts to get the first-person facts into public knowledge (including legal/criminal action if that's appropriate), vote with your feet and wallet (as you suggested), and yanno, since you thought you could spot his potential newbie prey, there are anonymous ways to convey warnings (no less ethical, really, than what he's doing).


Yes, more seminars for newbies would be great. Voting with his feet is really the best option for Steven, however, it appears that he would rather not do that, and frankly, it isn't because he wants to stick around to "protect" all the poor innocent lambs this guy might pick up.

It seems not to occur to you that this guy being a jerk is what he would be whether kinky or vanilla. Yes, it appears he manipulates women into staying. Kink allows him to have multiple women at one time for this.

And yes, "anonymously" warning people is MUCH less ethical than what he is doing.

quote:


Sure, he and host will try to paint themselves as bullied victims, but yanno, if he truly had nothing to hide, he's got every opportunity, here or elsewhere, to describe in line-by-line detail what's different between what his version and his accusers' version of events. That he hasn't done so, but resorted to distancing, stonewalling, etc, does seem rather telling as to which version is more truthful, and the potential repercussions.


SB


If I'm accused of something, I'm not going to line by line give detail of WHY I'm innocent. These accusers haven't given line by line detail either. In fact, the reason they aren't getting the result they seek is because of the gaping holes in what they have said.

I would love for you to show me here or on FL where he is "stonewalling," and "distancing." Has it occurred to you that he has "unfriended" his current partners as a safety measure for them? So that this lynch mob doesn't seek them out and harass them as well?

I'm going to vehemently disagree with Dusky. Your post is not the least bit sensible.


< Message edited by LafayetteLady -- 5/7/2013 1:34:12 PM >

(in reply to SilverBoat)
Profile   Post #: 201
RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/7/2013 3:30:08 PM   
Duskypearls


Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline 		Quite alright, LafayetteLady. It is merely an opinion, and requires neither agreement, adoption nor endorsement.

< Message edited by Duskypearls -- 5/7/2013 3:31:00 PM >

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 202
RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/7/2013 7:24:35 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CharmingKitty

It depends if you think he did it.
If I had any inkling the guy was a rapist I would not be associating with him or people who would be ok with being around him. You can't go telling people he might be a rapist because nothing has been proven so you can't warn people. But by you yourself being a respected person being around him you'd be adding credence to his status. The best thing you can do if you morally feel this guy is bad news to girls in the community is to make sure he isn't part of what you consider the community.


Here's part of the problem - I do not know enough to claim either that he's guilty or that he's innocent. I DO know enough that I would warn people away from him, if asked.

Also, I have attended this party for numerous years. I met Tasha there. We have numerous friends there. I feel this is analogous to people saying "A sex offender moved into your neighborhood, and here are the places you now cannot go as a result."


quote:

ORIGINAL: MsEloquence

Fast reply.

Steven:

If I were you I would stop attending this party.
When asked why, I would indicate that it's
because I prefer not to attend parties
with jerks like the guy
you mistrust.

In addition, if I actually thought the guy was
assaulting people
a) I would tell the cops,
b) I might tell the party
organizer that I'd done so.


Eloquence

(edited for typos and spacing)


Thanks for your thoughts. But Tasha and I will continue to attend for now.

As I've said earlier, the women have the opportunity to report him. I'm going by nothing but hearsay, and I'm not going to report him if they don't (per kalikshama, evidently at least one has filed a police report).

And telling the party organizer that I'd filed a police report will do nothing but anger her.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to CharmingKitty)
Profile   Post #: 203
RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/7/2013 8:21:17 PM   
SilverBoat


Posts: 257
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		First of all, descriptors like "jerk", "emotionally-abusive" and "sexual predator" are NOT mutually exclusive, so you might take some lessons in elementary rhetoric and critical reasoning before ranting your false dichotomies in public. And those terms are generally somewhat subjective, with differences in opinion, and all that could be opined about that, assholes, and the entitlement and stench thereof. It's not like people who have socially manipulative ulterior motives can consistently deceive those who are more observant and perceptive, of more honest character, and of better good will. Of course, YMMV on that, depending, of course, on your character and intent.

Second, despite all the hearsay and nth-hand information that's been plastered around about all this, here and elsewhere, there have been some fairly specific statements made, such as the suicide incident. That by itself rates as sufficiently pivotal as to rate some line-by-line assertion-or-rebuttal. There has been plenty of opportunity, here and elsewhere during recent days, for specific rebuttal, and so far, nothing. In time, more information, of more certainty, may or may not become known, but so far, there's been somewhere between little and nothing specific posted about the disputed events by the very person who'd have the most to gain if he'd done nothing untoward. (Perhaps you could look up some definitions for "stonewalling"?)

Third, almost all of that ranting that he and his pals have posted was about bullying and hating, carrying on ad-infinitum ad nauseum about how others in this community have responded to them, when he and his pals could have been discussing the incidents between him and the women. And maybe more telling, they avoid directly naming the primary persons in all of this, but often name themselves as besieged 'victims' of massive injustice. (Perhaps you could look up some definitions for "distancing"?)

...... I'm fully aware that false accusations can damage reputations, but his best defense, if the accusations are completely baseless, or even reasonably attributed to differences in intentions, perceptions, communications, etc, would be to out the whole truth and nothing but the truth. However, that ain't what he and his pals are doing. It's not a stretch to conclude that their social calculus ranks the whole truth as more damaging to their reputations than all of this other stuff.

If nothing else, there's such nonsense in your post as to suggest that you identify with that calculus ...

l/p

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 204
RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/7/2013 8:25:33 PM   
SilverBoat


Posts: 257
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		Steven, given the circumstances, I might be more likely to keep an eye on things by attending. Gauging by the history of similar events that I've observed, eventually the jerk/predator will wear out the pool and his welcome, if not wind up in legal complications. Hang in there, say what you must to whom you think best, and as Mr Miyagi said, always-look-eyes ...

SB

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 205
RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/7/2013 9:10:37 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Actually I'm well aware of the differences. Jerk, asshole, emotionally abusive are looked at as opinions. Sexual predator always implies something in legal terms. Perhaps it is you who needs to learn the difference.

I've seen nothing posted by this man, and again, welcome you to point me to posts of HIS where he does this. Yes, the event hostess has posted regarding what people are saying about her. Sadly, you see fit to jump on the bandwagon of disparaging her character. It says much about you, and none of it good.

Were someone accusing me of such horrendous acts, I would not necessarily lower myself to their level and do this "line by line" denial, as you and others seem to suggest. As I mentioned in an earlier post, most people who are guilty of such actions do take the time to try to explain why they aren't guilty. People who don't believe they are guilty don't see a need to explain themselves to the masses. Now of course, had any actual police reports been filed, I'm sure he would have given those detailed reasons for his innocence, however, they still aren't the business of the net at large, no matter how much you think you deserve them.

Honestly, even his victims can't seem to tell the same story, and the person who has been the most vocal has stated differing facts, so she is burying herself.

Sorry, I don't jump on the bandwagon that someone who claims they were raped means they were and we should all coddle them.

I've already stated that based on some of the things said, he seems like a class A jerk. But I've read nothing that makes him a sexual predator.

Far too many women seem to identify as "submissive" because they need someone to protect them and coddle them rather than being a whole person on their own first.

You might like to take note that not one of these women indicate that he restrained them, or even threatened them with a gun to have sex with them. I certainly don't agree with things he seems to have done, but calling it rape would be akin to saying that a guy who convinced a girl to have sex with him using the age old excuse of blue balls had committed rape.

Interesting to note that because I'm not willing to condemn him, you feel comfortable trying to disparage my character and intelligence as well. I would suggest you think a bit longer before doing that again.

(in reply to SilverBoat)
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RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/8/2013 1:53:20 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
Thanks for your thoughts. But Tasha and I will continue to attend for now.

As I've said earlier, the women have the opportunity to report him. I'm going by nothing but hearsay, and I'm not going to report him if they don't (per kalikshama, evidently at least one has filed a police report).

And telling the party organizer that I'd filed a police report will do nothing but anger her.
Steven, I don't think I need to tell you this but you're honestly not in the position to file a police report. You're not a first hand party to anything. Stuff you have heard after the fact doesn't cut it.

If I were you, I'd probably make a different choice about attending until the dust clears. There's something not good going on and until you do your own fact checking, you are going to have to ask yourself what statement your presence is making. I've been reading and researching and I don't know if *I* would want to be at the next event. That's even after I've been a supporter of potential innocence.

How easy it is, yes? All it takes is for someone in the "community" to make an allegation. Geez, we've talked here at home about what can happen.

I don't envy you, Steven. Not one bit.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/8/2013 2:01:41 AM   
Aswad


Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

As for 'mobbing' - well, that does take a certain level of collusion.


Actually, the phenomenon I'm talking about is an emergent phenomenon, not a colluding one, so maybe I'm just using the wrong word? What I'm talking about usually happens to someone that appears successful in some way (e.g. picking up lots of subs) in a field where quality is subjective (e.g. topping, domming, mentoring), and can be quite insidious because there's no collusion involved and usually no malice, either.

quote:

'Cheapshot' is feeble, Aswad, and misses the point.


Having consulted my dictionary, I agree. Mea culpa.

quote:

I sensed a view that spoke as though in the rarified abstract. This, I felt, might be why people are able to come to what I saw as quick and comfy moral opinions before wiping their hands of the matter. This is not fair on the people involved. Mind you, if someone were to say: "So, supposing this accused man were to be your brother" - I'd go along with that, too. It's a contributory cause to this giant headache.


Obviously, making the right decision is always harder when there is something personal or immediate to challenge our commitment to our principles.

Doing the right thing can be hard, and it's only when it is hard that it really credits our character to stand firm. Doing the right thing when it's easy, or the wrong thing when it's hard, is mostly neutral, not noteworthy. Doing the wrong thing when it's easy, speaks ill of our character. I have a fairly firm opinion of the right thing to do in this case, but you're right that it's easy for me to wash my hands of this, not being in the middle of it.

I know how the sister factor influences the ability to do the right thing, I'm just curious as to how it changes what the right thing is.

IWYW,
— Aswad.



_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.


(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 208
RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/8/2013 4:30:22 AM   
JustDragonflies


Posts: 50
Joined: 3/30/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven



Like I say, if the accusers won't file charges, why should I?


I have to say DarkSteven, I'm surprised at this reaction from you. We don't know each other personally, of course, but I sort of assumed you'd understand some of the more delicate nuances about such sensitive topics. Perhaps it was unfair of me to have such expectations, but I couldn't help but say this.

I haven't read further so perhaps someone addressed this... but philosophically there are a lot of reasons why you should take action although the alleged victims have't, yet. I'm not even sure this is legally possible for you to do, if the people involved are adults and you weren't a witness (which would, in some states, actually make for a second victim, I believe).

However, just for the sake of this To Talk or Not To Talk conversation...

I must say, rape occurs on a variety of levels, some of which are acknowledged by the legal system, and some of which are not, yet. There is no right, normal or even "appropriate" way to react after a rape, btw. (This is to you random person on page 1 or 2 who said they thought hanging out with the rapist meant the victims were probably liars. This is a well documented experience that victims have: returning to their perpetrator. It almost always makes them feel fucked up and ashamed and confused. But it doesn't make them liars.)

But for the hell of it.. come on a little imaginary journey with me. And imagine that you're a women who just said no, wanted to say no but couldn't (for any number of reasons), fought back, or didn't, orgasmed, or didn't... and someone that you were attracted to, hated, didn't know, or loved/was married to.... opened your body up and inserted themselves into you. (Seriously, pause for a moment... can you even imagine how that would feel? Powerless? In pain? Maybe hating yourself for your body's reaction/weakness???) These are all different forms of rape. However... Society generally accepts one story about rape (not speaking for the readers here, just how rape is generally portrayed). The One Story goes like this, a stranger raped me, I fought back, but I couldn't stop it, it was horrible, and he beat me up, btw. But when the reality of one's rape varies from that story it is extremely shameful, confusing, upsetting, isolating and pretty much The Worst Thing That Probably Ever Happened To These Women/Men.

Now, I don't know about you, but it's pretty hard for me to open up about whatever the worst is that happened to me. And I know this to be true for a lot of people. In fact, many victims never do open up about it. (But should their perpetrator feel no consequence and should the next potential victims receive no protection if the other victims aren't strong enough to take the action that society asks of them? Does being so hurt or insecure invalidate you to the point that no one should stand up for you? What if this rapist goes on to rape your grandma? or your daughter or your wife? or your...... Would we have wanted something to happen despite the prior victims remaining silent THEN? How would we feel then about someone not speaking up because the accusers/victims didn't speak up themselves? Just a thought.)

So, here we are. Post rape. Man, that sucked having our body entered and violated when we did not want to be entered. Also, it sucks to feel like I can't protect myself, keep myself safe, or trust my body to defend myself to capacity, or be "appropriate" in that situation. Also, I kind of feel crazy, because... shouldn't I have been able to tell he was going to be like that? I'm really fucked up for not having any sense about who I was with. Maybe I deserved that for being so stupid/slutty.

Yet... in the midst of this shame, anger, fear, confusion and isolation... I choose to speak out. Yay me!! Maybe I did so because some other victims did and I wanted to lend a word about this horrible rapist?? I know that going to the police is going to be tricky. How do I explain all this perverse stuff that is still illegal in some states? How do I explain when people acted like Miley Cyrus killed orphans when she just smoked pot/maybe salvia on twitter? How do I explain when these peers of my own kink community are like "Um. That didn't happen you crazy vindictive bitch!!!!!!!!!!!".

So. I'm scared. But I'm speaking up. But just a l i t t l e .... Probably I have not received any therapy or any rape advocacy still at this point. Probably I kind of hate myself and everyone else a little. I might be considering "ending it all", even.

And now there's a whole slew of people who don't support me, think I'm lying, jealous or worse. And what are the POLICE going to think? How can I ever prove this? I already washed it all away, probably 352 times. It's my word against his. I wind up on Rape Victim forum and even on it there are pages and pages of horrible experiences trying to prove pretty crazy violent rape, let alone this weird crap I'm dealing with.

And none of the other victims are going to the police. So how can I? I'm overwhelmed. I'm scared.

It seems really hard to be the only one who's strong enough to stand up to the horrific assault on it's own, deal with all the emotional fall out, speak up to the public, be partially shunned and THEN find the will to take your raped body to the police to endure hours of skeptical questioning????????? With no proof? And no optimistic look on the outcome?? (Round of applause for anyone who DOES report a rape, you're bomb, and I'm grateful to you for being so insanely awesome.)

There are a lot of good reasons to speak up for rape victims, even when they can't take the action that we feel is best. Obviously a person who has experienced that kind of intense violation, and then such public mixed messages isn't going to be at their most empowered. However, despite all that intense compassion and empathy for the victim... we have to consider this one EXCELLENT reason for speaking up: Protecting future victims. I'm not aware of rapists who just stopped raping people because one day they started to be awesome. With that in mind, if someone can't stand up against the abuses, and you don't like it, or feel like their inaction entitles their perpetrator to get off, remember the future victims deserve to be protected. They never disappointed "you" by not reporting their crime. It hasn't happened yet, and it might be prevented!

You... who hasn't even been raped (I assume?)... are all wigged out about maybe experiencing some inconvenient "drama". But you want THEM, the actual victims to be stronger than you bystanders? To be willing to deal with MORE personal sacrifice and potential humiliation..? More stuff to mull over. (Of note, Stephen, did you notice how hostile some posters got in response to this dialog about MAYBE protecting future victims? I'm sure you can extrapolate how much more volatile these topics are to deal with when one is in a very very vulnerable, hurt, post-rape position.)

By the way, if anyone is reading this and have been raped, sexually assaulted or sexually abused in any manner, I invite you to visit some awesome, free websites that provide forums or counseling, local and internet support, chat rooms and etc:
rainn.org (confidential, free, worldwide, chat support, phone support, hotlines)
pandys.org (free, forums, chat, supportive user base, access to other resources)

And, if you're still reading this far, I'd just like to say that rape takes many many many forms. To those who have been sexually assaulted, molested, fondled, raped, sexually abused and etc, no matter what the circumstances were (if you're skeptical, write to me or go to those website for more info): you did not, could not deserve it or ask for it. How you respond to it doesn't minimize what happened to you. You are still totally entitled to be safe and to receive support.

And my last thought, though I could say it a thousand times. Just because someone doesn't have the strength, self love, will or belief in the system to speak up for themselves: DOES NOT MEAN WE SHOULD NOT SPEAK UP FOR THEM.

I, personally will never look the other way, ignore, mind my own business, or otherwise be a bystander of any forms of abuse. I invite the rest of you to try this out with me. It's remarkably "undramatic" and simple living when you try it out consistently. I know that sounded snarky, but I mean it sincerely. People always say not to be/participate in drama, but advocating for others has always been pretty somber, drama free, no-nonsense in my experience.

Also, free boob pic!

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 209
RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/8/2013 5:02:39 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Justdragonflies, my sympathies on your rape.

With all possible respect, I am in a real situation. I don't see how your imaginary journey affects me. While I'm sympathetic to rape victims, I am not convinced rape happened here. I am positive SOMETHING happened, but I don't know what.

If the accusers choose to go to the police, then my accusations bear no weight compared to theirs. If they choose not to go, then they have decided not to go through questioning, etc. It would not be right of me to try to force them to undergo that if they've made their choice.

All I've got is hearsay. If I told a cop "I've heard really bad things about this person but have never witnessed anything," he'd laugh at me and throw me out.



_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to JustDragonflies)
Profile   Post #: 210
RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/8/2013 6:16:30 AM   
MsEloquence


Posts: 72
Joined: 5/7/2013
Status: offline 		Steven

I suggested removing yourself from the situation because continuing to go will register as continuing to support.

Nonetheless, it's an organization you're clearly attached to. Your decision is understandable.



_____________________________

Eloquence

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RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/8/2013 6:40:12 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
All I've got is hearsay. If I told a cop "I've heard really bad things about this person but have never witnessed anything," he'd laugh at me and throw me out.


Is it really entirely that way? Might the police not at least put the issue on file for future use, if need be? Also, might you not be obliged, legally, to say something to them?

Just pondering things, here. I'm not familiar with either the law or the culture regarding the reporting of rape in your country.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


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RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/8/2013 6:54:22 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
All I've got is hearsay. If I told a cop "I've heard really bad things about this person but have never witnessed anything," he'd laugh at me and throw me out.


Is it really entirely that way? Might the police not at least put the issue on file for future use, if need be? Also, might you not be obliged, legally, to say something to them?

Just pondering things, here. I'm not familiar with either the law or the culture regarding the reporting of rape in your country.


Yes, that is really the case. What exactly are they going to file away? Some guy heard bad stuff about another guy? Were they to make a habit of this, there wouldn't be enough room to file it all.

You are not legally obliged to report hearing something like this.

(in reply to PeonForHer)
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RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/8/2013 6:55:44 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

As I've said earlier, the women have the opportunity to report him. I'm going by nothing but hearsay, and I'm not going to report him if they don't (per kalikshama, evidently at least one has filed a police report).


Per https://fetlife.com/users/101789/posts/1513455#post_comment_5389586 , the police police report she gave to the mentor group was not for rape, the complainant's name was redacted, and the complainant refused to give the alleged assailant's name to the police.

One reason comes to mind as to why one would file a police report and refuse to give the assailant's name; perhaps others here have more imagination.



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(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/8/2013 7:04:20 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

As I've said earlier, the women have the opportunity to report him. I'm going by nothing but hearsay, and I'm not going to report him if they don't (per kalikshama, evidently at least one has filed a police report).


Per https://fetlife.com/users/101789/posts/1513455#post_comment_5389586 , the police police report she gave to the mentor group was not for rape, the complainant's name was redacted, and the complainant refused to give the alleged assailant's name to the police.

One reason comes to mind as to why one would file a police report and refuse to give the assailant's name; perhaps others here have more imagination.




I'm sure we will hear how she has some type of Stockholm Syndrome and feels a need to protect him or other such excuses.

The only logical reason that this would be the case would be because it was a police report involving something else entirely, but the only thing she could get her hands on.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 215
RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/8/2013 7:38:43 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Well, what came to my mind was that the mentor's group said they had a policy of not getting involved in breakup situations, but if she had a police report, they'd consider it.

_____________________________

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RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/8/2013 9:47:17 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		JustDragonflies, I'm really sorry about what happened to you. I don't want what I have to say here to be taken personally in any way.

The problem is that, while it can be so hard for somebody who is actually a victim to speak out, it's incredibly easy for somebody who hasn't been a victim to make an allegation. All it takes are a few trigger words (i.e., rape, abuse, etc) and people want to react. That's what makes these words grab attention so quickly. We *want* to support people who have been harmed.

What happens when it's the other way around? I can assure you that there absolutely are some vengeful, despicable people out there who will post things online with very little basis in fact and try to turn them into something they are not. In a sense, these types of people are just as bad as rapists and abusers because such false allegations are exactly *why* it is hard for real victims to come forward. It's the people who cloud this issue that make it harder on legitimate victims and we can't just say because the accusation is made, it must be the truth. Sometimes, people can see through the smoke and mirrors when the illusion of abuse is thrown out there. Other times, not.

We've been talking about this a lot here at home. We've visited the city where this has all happened and had a great time at an event there. We're seriously questioning if we would go there again.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 217
RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/8/2013 10:16:44 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I've finally gotten to the end of the fet thread and see that the thread convinced another woman that she was sexually assaulted, which she goes on to define as being kissed on the mouth by a man to whom she was in service. She also appears to have been uncomfortable with him touching her breasts and stomach. She goes on to complain about being touched at swingers club.

If she were my friend, I would have been happy to explain to her how to not be touched at swingers clubs:

Don't fucking go to swingers clubs!

(This is not to imply that attendance of these clubs mean you are open to being touched by anyone there, but - newsflash - fucking strangers happens at swing clubs and if you're not into being touchedyou have to be prepared to express that. A simple, "No thanks, I'm just here to watch" has worked for me and if not there are staff to assist.)

I've been to swing clubs, didn't like it, told him I didn't want to go, he kept insisting, I finally told him that I was leaving the relationship if it required me to go to swing clubs. THAT got through to him.

I think that what women like the above need is not pity parties, which are actually detrimentally enforcing their view of themselves as victim, but to learn to clearly establish boundaries. You don't like being kissed on the lips - tell him it's not negotiable, and he can make decisions based on that.

She says:

quote:

My preferences or level of comfortability were rarely discussed and even when they were, my expressions of discomfort weren't given the consideration that I would have required of a partner in an equal position of power.


Teach newbies to bring boundary issues up themselves and if they are not happy with the results to LEAVE. I'm reminded of my father complaining that my sister never calls him and her response that the phone works both ways.

I swear, some women think identifying as a submissive/slave absolves them of all personal responsibility. All this "he abused me by not reading my mind properly" really pisses me off because it distracts from actual rape.

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(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 218
RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/8/2013 10:27:52 AM   
MsEloquence


Posts: 72
Joined: 5/7/2013
Status: offline 		As far as I know, reporting things that you think are illegal or wrong is an obligation laid on all citizens.

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Eloquence

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 219
RE: What actions , if any, should I take? - 5/8/2013 10:28:34 AM   
evesgrden


Posts: 597
Joined: 6/9/2012
Status: offline
quote:

I must say, rape occurs on a variety of levels, some of which are acknowledged by the legal system, and some of which are not, yet.


What do you believe is rape, but is not acknowledged as such by the legal system?



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What you permit, you promote.

(in reply to JustDragonflies)
Profile   Post #: 220
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