Need Adivice ASAP (Full Version)

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SirLogansSub -> Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 2:22:18 PM)

Im not happy anymore. Im a very good sub when Im happy but I feel things r too one sided here. Am I just not being a good sub or do I not have some boundaries that should be respected? Looking for advice from other Doms because He is my first and only but I have read up and feel He is not adhering to His role



Focus50 -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 2:56:40 PM)

You're being waaaay too general in what you're asking here but I will say that no matter what relationship dynamic you're in (D/s, M/s, vanilla, gay etc), it only works if *both* parties are getting their individual needs met. And the fact you say you're not happy means that's not happening for you.

The usual advice is to talk it through with the other half; to find common ground. Any girl I own is entitled to her feelings and of course I want her to be happy in general, esp of wanting to be owned by me. That means I hafta make certain allowances, compromises even, because no-one is a perfect fit for each other.

Beyond that, a little more detail, please.

Focus.



SirLogansSub -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 3:06:28 PM)

oh i have talked it to death and its always promised to be different but never is. I know what I need to do but I am just not doing it cause I love Him. Thank u for the advice



TNDommeK -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 3:09:48 PM)

Let your brain make the choice.



Focus50 -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 3:19:25 PM)

More than any other lifestyle, a control based dynamic like D/s means actions speak louder than words. Ok, you've talked it through and he apparently nods accordingly re your concerns - but then fails to follow through with any remedial actions...?

See, this is where advice from strangers on a website is golden. We don't "love" him (or you) so have nothing invested either way in the outcome. So there's no "fog" to try and peer through for a solution.

Unfortunately, seems the good news is that you already know what you need to do. And I'll say it out loud for the record - he's not right for you and you need to look elsewhere.

Focus.



Kana -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 3:19:58 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SirLogansSub
oh i have talked it to death

See, that's the problem there. Shoulda kept her mouth stuffed with cock and the sailing, she woulda been so smooth :-)



SirLogansSub -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 3:31:17 PM)

thank u to focus and to TNDommeK. as for kana u r exactly the proof to me that a lot of men get into Dom lifestyle just so they can be controlling, abusive, dicks to women. not for the pleasure or the pleasure of pleasing each others fantasies. I was warned of this when I got into the lifestyle, that many men have no idea what and art form BDSM is and what a great responsibility it is to care for their subs and to keep them safe emotionally as well as physically. The subs should be held in high regard for choosing the lifestyle not abused in a negative way or used to get to other women. Thank u kana for helping me realize that i will have to be extra careful if ever taking on another Dom that He knows what a real Dom is supposed to act like and not choose another like Him or you, women haters



angelikaJ -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 4:04:13 PM)

You are unclear how your needs are not getting met: is is the mental aspects or the physical ones that are absent.

You have not given any indication of how things used to be and if there was a precipitating event in your dominant partner's life that preceded this change.
Is his health the same, is his job?
Did his hours shift meaning a change in his schedule?

You say you have discussed it.
Do you have good communication skills and does he?
Maybe this could help you:
http://www.cnvc.org/learn/nvc-foundations


You love him.
Does he love you also?

Perhaps you can share this with him:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1240921/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#1240921



lizi -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 4:04:29 PM)

There's really not enough here for strangers to formulate an opinion, but I'd say in general if you are unhappy and feel that things don't ever change enough to meet your needs then the two of you don't seem to be a match.



SirLogansSub -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 4:20:40 PM)

im sorry ive been vague. not sure it matters what boundary he ignores he just does and to me it nullifies the contract or deal made when entering in the relationship. I just know I have tried to set him free of me to live the life he wants and let me go, with a broken heart of course, to live mine. the suggestion is always met with lies, anger and then more hollow promises. He has done what i cant handle his whole life and I tried but I realized it is just not me. I dont want it to end badly. I dont want it to end. He just doesnt seem to care how unhappy i am inside as long as im quiet about it



lizi -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 4:34:33 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SirLogansSub

im sorry ive been vague. not sure it matters what boundary he ignores he just does and to me it nullifies the contract or deal made when entering in the relationship. I just know I have tried to set him free of me to live the life he wants and let me go, with a broken heart of course, to live mine. the suggestion is always met with lies, anger and then more hollow promises. He has done what i cant handle his whole life and I tried but I realized it is just not me. I dont want it to end badly. I dont want it to end. He just doesnt seem to care how unhappy i am inside as long as im quiet about it


It sounds like you've made your decision to go although you aren't happy with it. You seem to feel that he isn't capable of fulfilling the things he has said he'd do. I don't feel that has anything to do with the sexual roles of D/s, but it is certainly a relationship issue. If the relationship isn't working, the D/s can't work.



OsideGirl -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 4:39:51 PM)

So, you're miserable, but won't leave because you love him. He keeps talking the talk, but not walking the walk. (Actions speak louder than words) You're not going to change him, only he can change him.

I'm also curious about the statement, "what a real Dom is supposed to act like". Allow me to point out: this is your first D/s relationship, you're no expert on what is real. And what is real to me, may not be real to someone else.

This isn't a D/s problem, it's a relationship problem. (How long is that relationship, btw?) I suggest you ask yourself, would you stay if this were vanilla and you'll have your answer.



Missokyst -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 5:02:06 PM)

That last sentence says it all for me.
And so true of many one-sided relationships. If you want to keep him than continue to keep your mouth shut. He will continue to get what he wants at your expense. Do you want to live with that?

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirLogansSub
He just doesnt seem to care how unhappy i am inside as long as im quiet about it



graceadieu -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 5:12:57 PM)

If you're not happy, you're not happy. If you know what you need to be happy, and you've communicated that to him, and he can't/won't do it, staying longer isn't going to change anything.

Hopefully, you can move on and chalk this up to a lesson learned. Especially about this:

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirLogansSub
im sorry ive been vague. not sure it matters what boundary he ignores he just does and to me it nullifies the contract or deal made when entering in the relationship.... He has done what i cant handle his whole life and I tried but I realized it is just not me.


Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you went into this relationship knowing that this activity that's a hard limit for you is something that he loves and has done his whole sexual life. That's a major incompatibility. I would suggest in the future, don't date guys that are that into activities that are limits for you.


I'm guessing that what's going on here is that he's poly (or just wants to sleep around) and you want monogamy, but you guys decided to get together anyway, and now his desire to see other women is causing you a lot of heartache. If that's the case, then you just need to move on and in the future don't date men who are poly.



BIBLEBELTDOM -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 5:16:34 PM)

Oside Girl said it best.......A couple must first have a near-vanilla relationship with D/s overtones, before embarking on a 'pure' D/s or M/s relationship. This has been proven time and time again. There must be MORE than pure BDSM that keeps the relationship growing. Of course the discovery of new and exciting facets of being a sub/slave can be delicious, but the ability to communicate, and share on a vanilla scale is paramount. The Dom/Master must be willing, even requiring that the sub respond with her thoughts in great detail...........and act on those things that are shared. Just a thought..............



littlewonder -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 5:58:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirLogansSub

thank u to focus and to TNDommeK. as for kana u r exactly the proof to me that a lot of men get into Dom lifestyle just so they can be controlling, abusive, dicks to women. not for the pleasure or the pleasure of pleasing each others fantasies. I was warned of this when I got into the lifestyle, that many men have no idea what and art form BDSM is and what a great responsibility it is to care for their subs and to keep them safe emotionally as well as physically. The subs should be held in high regard for choosing the lifestyle not abused in a negative way or used to get to other women. Thank u kana for helping me realize that i will have to be extra careful if ever taking on another Dom that He knows what a real Dom is supposed to act like and not choose another like Him or you, women haters

ETA That this is Kana

Oh funk. I mean seriously? A grown ass woman all of thirty freaking eight and you need a group of strangers to tell you what's right for you? WTF is wrong with that picture?
That's simply sad. So I took the posting with exactly the appropriate amount of earnestness.
(And if there was any question about my intent, the smiley face at the end shoulda given it away)
50 shades of drama, much?

For crying out loud-it's a relationship. Nothing more. Nothing less. Treat it as such and you'll be fine.
This is BDSM. It ain't for the thin skinned and it certainly ain't for the whiners. If you walk away for your first interaction with nothing but some slightly hurt feelings, big freaking deal. Could have been a whole lot worse. Hopefully, you'll learn something.
But don't come bitching about trite crap and expect a whole shit-ton of sympathy. especially here, where the boards are populated, in part, by sadists.
Want my real advice? I'll tell you what an old man told me once a long time ago. Grow up. Show up. Shut up. take some control of your life and responsibility for your choices and actions.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, since I'm being earnest and all, I obviously need to work on my mastering skills. (I know this cuz a newbie told me so.) That is, if you folks think I can overcome my lack of caring and/or responsibility for her physical and emotional well being (Silly me, here I was thinking as a grown woman a slave should be responsible for her own mental flipping health) as well as misogynistic tendencies.
Can you please, pray-tell, I beseech thee, steer me towards an appropriate mentor?




angelikaJ -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 6:07:45 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SirLogansSub

im sorry ive been vague. not sure it matters what boundary he ignores he just does and to me it nullifies the contract or deal made when entering in the relationship. I just know I have tried to set him free of me to live the life he wants and let me go, with a broken heart of course, to live mine. the suggestion is always met with lies, anger and then more hollow promises. He has done what i cant handle his whole life and I tried but I realized it is just not me. I dont want it to end badly. I dont want it to end. He just doesnt seem to care how unhappy i am inside as long as im quiet about it



You are right: it does not matter what boundary he violated, you had an agreement that he would not do 'X' and he did and that pretty much nullifies other parts of the agreement.

However, you do not set him free.
You can not make that choice for someone else.

You need to set yourself free.
If he moved into your living space then that can make some things more difficult.

After this relationship ends, take some time and figure out what you want.

I think being new has drawbacks sometimes; one of them is not knowing what a dominant partner is supposed to be like.
There is no singular answer to that.



OsideGirl -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 6:09:32 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, since I'm being earnest and all, I obviously need to work on my mastering skills. (I know this cuz a newbie told me so.)


Yeah, I always find it entertaining when some newbie tells someone with a long term, successful BDSM D/s relationship, that they're doing it wrong.



sexyred1 -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 6:33:46 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SirLogansSub

thank u to focus and to TNDommeK. as for kana u r exactly the proof to me that a lot of men get into Dom lifestyle just so they can be controlling, abusive, dicks to women. not for the pleasure or the pleasure of pleasing each others fantasies. I was warned of this when I got into the lifestyle, that many men have no idea what and art form BDSM is and what a great responsibility it is to care for their subs and to keep them safe emotionally as well as physically. The subs should be held in high regard for choosing the lifestyle not abused in a negative way or used to get to other women. Thank u kana for helping me realize that i will have to be extra careful if ever taking on another Dom that He knows what a real Dom is supposed to act like and not choose another like Him or you, women haters


You know, we get a ton of newbies and clueless people coming to the message boards and posting really upset about a failing relationship.

You did not really come here asking for advice; you know what you need to do and just wanted to vent.

You got some realistic replies asking for more info and then you got a snarky reply from one of the most respected guys on the boards.

You act like a spoiled kid when you did not hear all touchy feely posts and you have NO clue about Kana; you should be so lucky to find a guy with such an innate understanding of D/s and more importantly, self aware, upfront and take no prisoners guy. He is not everyone's Dom cup of tea, but don't be dissing Kana, 'k?

Next, as to your relationship; it sounds like it sucks. He doesn't listen, does not seem to care if you are happy so for that alone, why stay? You love him? Pfft.

We all loved guys who were not fab to us and we all had to get through it.

You have two choices: stay and be miserable or leave and be miserable in a better way until it gets better for real.



NiceButMeanGirl -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (5/26/2013 7:14:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirLogansSub
He has done what i cant handle his whole life and I tried but I realized it is just not me. I dont want it to end badly. I dont want it to end. He just doesnt seem to care how unhappy i am inside as long as im quiet about it

Yesus crimony! You're thirty-eight frikkin years old and you can't figure this out? Re-read your quote above, paying special attention to the bolded parts.

If he's done that "his whole life," he must have already been doing whatever it was before he met you. Consequently, you knew he was doing it before you got with him. If you knew already that he was incompatible, why did you hitch up to his wagon?

Also, "He just doesn't seem to care how unhappy you are inside as long as you're quiet about it." The choice is simple. You can keep shutting up about how unhappy you are and stay while he continues to get what he wants but you stay miserable. Can you live with that? OR you can leave and find someone who's compatible with you and where you have a real chance at happiness in a fulfilling relationship.

The thing is, a bunch of internet strangers can give you advice, but we only have your side of it. There are always three sides to anything....his side, her side, and the truth. We may be more objective because we having nothing invested in your relationship, but you need to make the decision since you're the one who will need to live with the consequences.

NBMG



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