CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: This is most submissive men during courtship process (7/26/2013 5:26:29 PM)
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ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote:
ORIGINAL: AAkasha And I always must add, for clarification, I am talking about "the other side of CM,"; the men on this side, the ones that interact on the forums, have a much better sense of how the real world works. It just seems that the men who visit personals sites, and my previous experiences with munches and play parties when I went to them. Mostly, this was a nudge to any lurking subs to please, ask questions. It's ok, the worst that could happen is a woman would indicate to you that asking questions was not appropriate. Then - seriously - do you want to continue to know that woman? Akasha Threads that are, for the majority, directed towards those on the "other side" aren't really hitting their target audience here. It's the same for folks who write up rants about rude emails or venting frustration about how everybody is fake. Any subject that is mostly meant in reference to those on the personals side, typically isn't as valid of an issue for those who frequent the forums. It's something like trying to put a PSA out on radio for those who primarily watch tv. Granted, when it comes to submissive males, the personals side has a terrible signal to noise ratio. That's because you have an enormous amount of guys who stumble on websites like this due to sexually and/or porn driven fantasy. Cut to the chase, lots of guys thinking this joint is about getting a quick easy lay. One that they pretty much expect to fall into their lap at that. Forum participants, for the most part, tend to be better communicators. It's a written medium, so those who are better than average in that area are more likely to join in on a variety of topics and conversations flow. It's a strength that is consistent whether public discussion or private exchanges. Same thing for munches and parties because those who are more social types, or even those who realize the importance of getting out to events to make connections who may be having to deal with issues such as being shy do better in two way communication. Sure, you still get a small percentage of wall-flowers and lurkers but the majority of males in the kink community learn quickly that they have to be an active participant in the social aspect to achieve what brought them out to events in the first place. Two or three munches or play parties is a fast lesson that being passive isn't how to gain the attention of the female tops, so they see that an active role is more likely to bring results. This isn't to say that the original is a bad piece but I would think it would be finding it's target audience in a different format. Maybe better suited for an area where most of the males are more readers than participators. It's good advice for those who aren't strong in interacting with others or are more the type who aren't already making the investment to put some effort into getting away from the computer to get their kink. More of a 'reading only' type forum. I disagree about the target audience, that it cannot be found in these boards...because...a lot more people come here as lurkers than will make posts. Yanno, people don't even have to have an account here to be able to read CM's message boards... The vast majority of newbies are completely unaware that munches exist. Having a D/s or kink epiphany does not wake up some genetic memory that fills us in about munches, play parties, etc. CM is often a place where newbies come to learn all this stuff, it's not just a place for the very experienced hang out. She's not trying to reach regular posters who already know the ropes. Btw, I'm going to bookmark this thread to send to guys who tiptoe in to whine about why Dommes don't give them the time of day, and whack them over the head about treating Dommes like a kink delivery service. [;)] I'm all for ensuring that newbies are welcomed, enlightened, shown some of the ropes because it means more..."fresh meat" in our local communities. The men I've topped or owned have not come from the message boards side of CM, but from the mailroom and chatroom sides. I've required many to come here to the boards to read several old threads that would help with their education. Surely I can't be the only one who has dragged newbies onto this side of CM? There simply are no local munches in my area. Nothing educational in r/t. No big secret club with decoder rings to join that will teach newbies the ropes. CM and other sites like it are their only chance to get some real education from kinksters who are into this in r/t and are willing to give them a clue. Back to AAkasha's original post...I want to make some comments on it. AAkasha...my first (r/t) submissive learned from your site how to treat dominant women. He stood out, head and shoulders over the thousands of other guys who contacted me because... he had read and took to heart what you wrote, had reigned in his sub frenzy and treated me like a human being first. I will always owe you for that. Without having known him I probably would have said "f*ck it" and left "the world of kink". My leadership needs were already being met through several vanilla (nonsexual) relationships; I would have survived leaving BDSM and chalking it up as a bad idea. I don't know how many other women AAkasha's advice has saved from burning out and simply walking away from this...before really giving it a chance. All the men who read and take it to heart, who knows how many women they have talked with and influenced over the years. True that most of these men and women never have and probably never will post in these boards and become regulars, but they become part of our available options out in the real world. Again, yay for fresh meat, whether submissive fresh meat, or more "fresh meat" female Dominants. People b*tch about there not being enough females in the lifestyle...HELLO!...AAkasha's common sense approach is one way to get them. Her advice is sound and I enjoy reading her posts. quote:
There is some perception that it is "rude" or "prying" or "inappropriate" for a submissive male to ask questions. NOT TRUE!" There is some perception that a male submissive must not speak or ask questions unless spoken to. WTF! This is not your fantasy, no one owns you yet. Yes, I've found this to be a common misconception among the serious new male subs. (Not among the married but cheating wankers, nor among the guys doing one handed typing; they prefer to only talk about their kinks and generally don't want to get to know the woman as a real human being.) Many of the new male subs are so much in sub frenzy, or are so afraid of being blacklisted in r/t if they offend any Domme, that they will be tonguetied and afraid of screwing up. A tiny bit of "Domme fumes", lol, from us and their brain will gush out chemicals they are not used to dealing with yet and this makes things worse. This reminds me of a teenager being "in love with love" and having to deal with the chemical cocktail their brain produces when they are experiencing puppy love. Btw, bo had his education from some site that put out lots of BDSM dungeon video clips, before they started adding sex into it. The guys had to be very formal with the Dommes/Tops, and bo had brainwashed himself into thinking that this was the proper way to treat every Domme he bumped into. quote:
If by the third or fourth exchange a man has not asked me anything about my hobbies, or how was my day, or where have I traveled, or anything, he's useless. He's either socially challenged to the point of no return, or he absolutely sees me as a fetish fantasy and just does not CARE because all he sees is a caricature and the person behind that is not even RELEVANT. After some prodding when I have let this go sometime and found out SO much about a man and his life, history, family, etc. and he knows virtually NOTHING I have asked him how he thinks we're connecting and I swear he thinks we're like -- a match made in HEAVEN and he knows NOTHING about me - literally nothing. Yep, this has been my experience too. (Male Doms who disagree...pfft...they have no experience of communicating with at least ten thousand male subs over the years and have no idea how new male subs, who have never been to a munch or play party, behave when writing or talking over the phone with a Domme.) quote:
Sub men love to be the center of attention, they love to be pursued. It's the dream for them. It seems to be a common trait among r/t male subs I have known well. It's amazing how many guys don't get it that they are "high maintenance", dreaming of being pursued by someone they find attractive, swept off their feet and made to feel...special/precious/noticed/watched. Is my bo like this? Ask him and he'd say no...but, hell yes, he is! quote:
For a lot of subs, maybe this is the reason your conversations are dying out. Are you asking the same number of questions that you are being asked? Is a real conversation happening, or is just her asking you questions and you answering? Keep an eye on the tempo and make sure it is even. Learn about her as a whole person! Very good advice. I hope a lot of newbies and lurkers find their way into this thread, so they have a better chance of controlling their sub frenzy and think about writing letters that will make us see them as a man who is fun to get to know better. (They're at CM; we already guessed that they're kinky.) Around ten years ago, a Dom from the other side of CM told me that all fem sub profiles were basically the same (boring), full of kinky hopes and dreams and a list of hard limits. Only by talking with them...could he find out what made each woman unique. It was the vanilla stuff, not the kink, that had the power to transform them in his eyes from generic assembly line style fem sub into an interesting, quirky human being. Surely some of us are able to view male subs in the same light; we yawn over their kink list if that is all they are offering to talk about. Don't get me wrong, finding someone to negotiate with for a one time topping session might be that simple, comparing kink preferences and checking for hard limits...but some of us need more than that because we are, or were, looking for a lifetime partnership. Why even begin to form emotional ties with someone who is clearly incompatible on so many levels? Whenever I've had a dozen or three or four dozen guys writing to me in a week, the guys who followed AAkasha's advice were the ones I focused my attention on and made arrangements to meet up with.
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