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Is life harder for switches? - 8/3/2013 8:47:15 AM

MissKittyDeVine

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Excuse my curiosity but I've been pondering on this for a while. Do switches get a harder time from either/or/both dominants and subs than people who identify as one or the other? Are subs reluctant to submit to a switch as they're 'not completely dominant'?

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 8/3/2013 9:54:28 AM

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YOu have a valid point I think. It helps to be a Gemini.
Now the real problem is for switches to find each other.

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 8/3/2013 9:56:43 AM

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I wouldn't want to submit to a switch for the reason you cited. Got a message from a switch asking to meet me and I (very politely) told him that.
Next day his profile had been changed from "switch" to "dominant".
So THAT is what they mean by "switch"?!

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 8/3/2013 10:02:44 AM

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Not all switches want another switch. Some of us specifically don't.

I don't think life is harder b/c I'm a switch. Life would be harder if I had my head so far up my ass I couldn't acknowledge and accept my switchiness.

It doesn't matter if you're dom or sub or switch, all of us had to go through a certain degree of soul searching to determine what we are. How long it takes a person to accept it and deal with it is going to vary with the individual, not with their preferences.

But that's JMO.

I think switches do get a harder time from some in the community. Many people still think switches are indecisive, too ignorant to know if they're dom or sub, or incapable of monogamy.

It's a label, and like all labels its incredibly useful, until it's not.

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 8/3/2013 10:09:44 AM

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I'm going to call you out on your opinion that switches are not 'completely dominant.' I've known many like myself who are very dominant or very sub, depending on who they were with.

I think you're issue is that for you, knowing someone has subbed to another means they can't be dominant enough for you. And I find that particular supposition to be false not to mention close-minded.

Whether or not someone is 'dominant enough' has nothing to do with them subbing to another, that criteria is far too individual to make that assumption. Many switches make excellent doms AND subs specifically b/c they know both sides.

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 8/3/2013 10:18:42 AM

MissKittyDeVine

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Who is that close-minded comment addressed at?

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 8/3/2013 11:39:11 AM

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My boyfriend and I are both switches, and we are both Libras as well. It can be a good thing and a bad thing. Bc if I am in a submissive mood the same time he is, one of us has to somehow tune in our dom side and just go with it. At the same time, this can be fun bc it's kind of a game. In the bedroom, I am submissive about 70% of the time, but OUTSIDE the bedroom, interestingly enough, I tend to be the one in charge.

Every relationship is different. But strong communication is essential!

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 8/3/2013 12:50:40 PM

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LOL

Everyone who is closed minded. Or at least, those who think their own biases represent fact.

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 8/3/2013 12:51:59 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

I'm going to call you out on your opinion that switches are not 'completely dominant.' I've known many like myself who are very dominant or very sub, depending on who they were with.

I think you're issue is that for you, knowing someone has subbed to another means they can't be dominant enough for you. And I find that particular supposition to be false not to mention close-minded.

Whether or not someone is 'dominant enough' has nothing to do with them subbing to another, that criteria is far too individual to make that assumption. Many switches make excellent doms AND subs specifically b/c they know both sides.

You may very well be right; I have yet to read anything from you that doesn't seem very wise. What I wrote is how I feel about it at the present time, that men willing to sub to another person aren't "dominant enough for me". Maybe when I've been around longer and have more experience under my belt (forgive that metaphor here) I may well come to see it differently. But I'm not there at this point.

I am looking not so much for a Dom, but for a relationship with a dominant man. I do see a distinction there; perhaps it is a distinction without a difference. I have no doubt that a person could be an excellent Dom while also being willing to submit in another relationship. But if dominant is in the eyes of the beholder, I wouldn't regard that person as inherently dominant.

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 8/3/2013 12:53:54 PM

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Thank you, what a wonderful response.

As with so many things in relationships, perception *is* everything.

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 8/3/2013 12:56:26 PM

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And perception can turn on a dime

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 8/3/2013 3:34:21 PM

MissKittyDeVine

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I hope it wasn't aimed at me. I have no opinion on switches, which is why I placed the phrase in inverted commas. My question was asking if, for example, subs might feel that they didn't want to submit to someone who submitted to another. It was a genuine question as I don't identify as a switch, and don't know anyone who does.

If it was aimed at SpiritedSub, I can understand why some subs wouldn't feel that they want to submit to someone who can also submit. It is fair enough if what they are looking for is someone completely dominant. Each to their own. But you raise an interesting point about switches knowing both sides. All the responses have been enlightening.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

LOL

Everyone who is closed minded. Or at least, those who think their own biases represent fact.

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 8/3/2013 3:59:42 PM

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~FRing it~

Being a switch myself, I don't find my life difficult. I am partnered with another switch and we are able to experience both sides of the kneel with each other pretty well. It's gone better than I ever thought it would when we first began this adventure. We have both identified as dominant individuals for many years (him around 20 years and me around 18 years). So our dominant sides are firmly established and we each have zero trouble calling that part up. Our sub sides are only about a year old, so that's a rather new area for each of us.

We don't run into problems with others because we will only submit to each other. If we involve others, all dominance of me is under his control. All dominance of him is under my control. It took us a good bit of time to learn to trust each other enough to truly let go. But I can honestly say that it's been one of the best experiences either of us have known.

I very much agree with what CP was saying. It's not an easy road to walk with a foot in each world. People tend to deal with black and white much easier than they can deal with gray (no, not talking 50 shades) sometimes. I used to not want to have anything to do with switches either when I was young and coming up in the lifestyle. I think I've mellowed in my old age because the lines tend to be a bit less sharply drawn than they used to be. I'll also admit that Im pretty disappointed in my younger self for the judgmental bullshit now that I know what I know now.

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 8/3/2013 4:13:39 PM >

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 8/3/2013 5:08:41 PM

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No, my life is not *harder* in the least...and NO, I don`t have 2 personalities...maybe 12 ~eg~

I was trained as a slave, found I had limits soooo that did not last a long time, stayed as a sub,found more limits, and the lady,<a switch> I was under as well as her friends, taught me to top in the end...Had to start someplace...I will never know as much as I want to...nor experience all that I would like to...thats life.

At first I *thought* some of the so called dom`s in the groups were harrassing me at times until it dawned on me none would make eye contact with me...then the fun began lol...then it was we will see who tops who here...pffttt

Do I think male submissives and male bottoms take a bad rap at times...oh heck yes, until they come to understand who they are and what they really have to offer someone...

I top when I want and will bottom at times when I...want, too.

I don`t seek anyone out as far as *lables* go...I`m either compatable with them of I am..not.

Anyhoooo...good question MKD

< Message edited by ThundersCry54 -- 8/3/2013 5:09:37 PM >

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 8/4/2013 6:12:24 PM

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in my experience, anywhere off the internet a "switch" is more/less just categorized as a sadomasochist and no, there is no shortage of play/relationship partners for us.

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 8/5/2013 8:32:18 AM

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quote:

Many people still think switches are indecisive, too ignorant to know if they're dom or sub, or incapable of monogamy.

While I don't have any of these prejudices, I have no interest in submitting to a switch. Knowing they too like to sub screws up my head space.

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 8/5/2013 1:37:53 PM

absolutchocolat

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Your life is what you make it. I find being a switch more fulfilling because I have the best of both worlds. As long as you do what works for you in your relationships, you'll be fine. Labels don't dictate what your experiences will be.

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RE: Is life harder for switches? - 8/5/2013 1:57:48 PM

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I got an odd look or two at a dungeon party the other night when i said i'm a Switch - but that's as far as things went there, because it was a good group of people who were all respectful. I didn't judge them, and they didn't judge me (or if they did they kept it to their self).

Really there shouldn't be this stigma for people that identify as Switch. Not that i like any "labels" at all, but it does happen to be the one that best describes myself at the moment. I do like to top in SM, and i have liked bottoming in SM before (trying to find a compatible person to see if i do still enjoy bottoming SM). There's also alot i'm curious about, giving and receiving, so I can't call myself a top or dom but i already know I'll never be a sub in the true sense of the word.

So what is there to call one's self when they know they have liked bottoming before, and they know they like topping? Only thing i know of is 'Switch'. If i 'label' myself as a sadomasochist people may think i'm not interested in / curious about anything else.

I would prefer to just say "I am me." but that's not something that conveys to someone else what sort of bdsm personality i have lol.

However, if someone is actually unsure - or doesn't know anything they like or dislike - then they should just say they are unsure or perhaps even kinkster could work (because that's also a very general term/label). A Switch is someone that already knows they like topping and bottoming - or even like being Dom sometimes and sub others (even if with different people rather than one person)

I say i'm a Switch because I know I am a Switch, not because i have no clue what I like or dislike, and to be honest i don't care what others think about that. I am who I am, if they don't like it - it's not my problem.

(in reply to absolutchocolat)

RE: Is life harder for switches? - 10/12/2013 5:26:01 AM

Ocontrolrequired

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Just wanted to say... damn good reply there xXxDSMer I get a lil pissy at times because of the switch label being looked upon so poorly by others.... Should I be looked upon as less than, just because my mind CAN handle multitasking through my sexual life as both a Dom and a sub? Hell no it shouldn't. Regardless of which role i am in. I will work just as hard to make sure it's done correctly and to the best of my ability(or better if it's a good day)

I think life can be harder for switches, sure....If they allow it or if they are really a sub trying to use "switch" as a way of widening their prospective partners list...

My life as a switch is not hard just fyi

I may have started on the bottom, but the climb to the Top is fucking spectacular...... and yes the view is just as awesome...

(in reply to xXxDSMer)

RE: Is life harder for switches? - 10/16/2013 6:42:55 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

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I think switches get a bad rap online way more than in real life, at least looking at my local community. I went through a whole back and forth D/s identity crisis for a number of years and I've finally admitted to myself, just a few days ago, that I am a switch. I can say honestly that I can be all Domme with one person and all sub with another. I never thought I could switch with the same person yet I am, at this time, corresponding with another switch and I'm going to see how it goes.

NBMG

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