Have I outgrown being a slave?

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Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/14/2013 6:55:47 PM

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I am very naturally submissive. Not a doormat, but loyal and with a deep desire to serve. It's certainly not a game for me, but things have changed. I am 31 now and started exploring my submissive side at maybe 15. I have had vanilla relationships, but nothing meaningful or like the relationships my vanilla friends have and I am probably bad at conventional dating :) I have been owned by the same man for over 5 years, but it really hasn't gone anywhere. I feel more like I would like a "regular" relationship and yearn to get married more than be a slave. I still feel as if I would be in service to my husband in a way by being a good wife and strong part of the family unit. It doesn't have to be a "scene" sort of thing and this theoretical husband wouldn't even have to know exactly what I used to be. I would still be me. I very much love my Master, more than anyone ever, but because of my behavior and the way he is naturally I don't get the fun times or affection my friends have or really any attention at all. It has become really hard to remain dedicated to being a good slave when I am almost always alone and quite honestly lonely.

My question is whether people outgrow being slaves who are naturally submissive and any other thoughts/advice you guys may have.

RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/14/2013 7:03:18 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: clove128
My question is whether people outgrow being slaves who are naturally submissive and any other thoughts/advice you guys may have.

I was a demo bottom for a class once in which the man leading was a lifelong slave who had become a master, and now owned a slave of his own. The class was on a massage technique basically -- wax play as a service. So he wax-massaged me, even though he was a straight male dom, and I am a straight male horny net geek. He did a good job too!

A long time ago, there was a poster on these forums with a signature that went something like, "I've lost all the boxes I used to put things in, and I can't be troubled to find them again, sorry."

People change, and most interesting people are more than one thing, at least some of the time.

Don't worry too much about what you "are." Surround yourself with good people, and live a decent life.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to clove128)

RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/14/2013 7:10:32 PM

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I wouldn't say you have outgrown being a slave but you have outgrown your Master.

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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/14/2013 7:16:09 PM

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Thanks Red. Funny you should mention. I actually believe if I didn't go down the vanilla path I would have a slave of my own eventually. I am probably more exacting and detail oriented than my Master with these things because I know what it is like and I know when a sub/slave is upto something.

I guess as I get older I worry about being alone or getting too used to being a slave and limit my options in life. It is a bit of a quandary because I don't have the emotional stamina anymore to be a good slave without some sort of love and affection, but I won't get anything but ignored and insulted unless I become a good slave. I feel like I am at a crossroads where I relinquish myself to being a good slave and risk being alone and limiting options or cut bait and go live a different life.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/14/2013 8:38:41 PM

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Life is about evolving...learning...self-exploration. You are changing...and in any healthy relationship- you should be able to explore new things and have a voice. No matter what.

(in reply to clove128)

RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/14/2013 8:55:01 PM

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It sounds to me like you have unmet needs and you feel that, as a slave, you have no means to have them met. So you're thinking of de-slaving yourself to get a voice in your relationship.

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"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/14/2013 8:58:49 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: clove128

...
I don't have the emotional stamina anymore to be a good slave without some sort of love and affection, but I won't get anything but ignored and insulted unless I become a good slave.
...

When I read this part, I thought what you've outgrown is the "master". And lucky for you, IMO.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to clove128)

RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/14/2013 9:24:12 PM

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You're only 31, girlfriend. 31, and you're sounding like you think your life will be over soon if you were to leave your unsuitable, emotionally distant Master. (God, do I wish I could be in my 30s again--there would be no stopping me.)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I wouldn't say you have outgrown being a slave but you have outgrown your Master.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

quote:

ORIGINAL: clove128
...
I don't have the emotional stamina anymore to be a good slave without some sort of love and affection, but I won't get anything but ignored and insulted unless I become a good slave.

When I read this part, I thought what you've outgrown is the "master". And lucky for you, IMO.

Give this undeserving man your walking papers. Your biological clock is ticking, and you deserve to find a proper Master who is husband material. Everyone deserves to be loved, so don't keep selling yourself short.

_____________________________

That Orbed Maiden with White Fire Layden
Whom Mortals Shall Call the Moon ~ Lord Byron
She Moves in Mysterious Ways . . . On Your Knees, Boy. ~ U2

(in reply to clove128)

RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/14/2013 9:46:26 PM

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From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
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quote:

ORIGINAL: clove128

I don't get the fun times or affection my friends have or really any attention at all. It has become really hard to remain dedicated to being a good slave when I am almost always alone and quite honestly lonely.

Uhm, why the hell not? What? Why isn't your Master recognizing this problem and taking care of it? That's what a Master does. Are you communicating your needs to him properly? You should tell him how you're feeling and see if he has a solution. If he fails you, get out.

(in reply to clove128)

RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/14/2013 9:51:16 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger

quote:

ORIGINAL: clove128

I don't get the fun times or affection my friends have or really any attention at all. It has become really hard to remain dedicated to being a good slave when I am almost always alone and quite honestly lonely.

Uhm, why the hell not? What? Why isn't your Master recognizing this problem and taking care of it? That's what a Master does. Are you communicating your needs to him properly? You should tell him how you're feeling and see if he has a solution. If he fails you, get out.

If her master can't see this himself, he has already failed her.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to SerWhiteTiger)

RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/14/2013 10:04:05 PM

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I have in fact told him this. I am very open with my feelings even if he will think they are ridiculous or will ultimately get me into an uncomfortable place. He says I can't expect what my friends have and should never compare or want what I haven't worked for. That if I were better things would be different. I still struggle at this point even though I rarely compare or have expectations. I have asked to be let go and basically he won't let me go. If I really wanted out I would have to do it with so much force, cease all communication and change my number/address which would be a shame in a way. It's just a bad situation. I really don't feel like serving anyone else if this doesn't work out.

He also does acknowledge how I feel and seems to feel bad sometimes. Ultimately he says its up to me to change it, but like I said I have begun to lose my will to pursue this lifestyle vs. something a little more conventional where my kindness,support and general giving nature is enough to feel appreciated and build from there.

< Message edited by clove128 -- 10/14/2013 10:09:51 PM >

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/14/2013 10:59:15 PM

AthenaSurrenders

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quote:

ORIGINAL: clove128

I have in fact told him this. I am very open with my feelings even if he will think they are ridiculous or will ultimately get me into an uncomfortable place. He says I can't expect what my friends have and should never compare or want what I haven't worked for. That if I were better things would be different. I still struggle at this point even though I rarely compare or have expectations. I have asked to be let go and basically he won't let me go. If I really wanted out I would have to do it with so much force, cease all communication and change my number/address which would be a shame in a way. It's just a bad situation. I really don't feel like serving anyone else if this doesn't work out.

He also does acknowledge how I feel and seems to feel bad sometimes. Ultimately he says its up to me to change it, but like I said I have begun to lose my will to pursue this lifestyle vs. something a little more conventional where my kindness,support and general giving nature is enough to feel appreciated and build from there.

This is emotional manipulation and possibly (Without knowing any more about your relationship) domestic abuse.

When one person is unhappy in a relationship, it is both people's problem. This 'well if you were just better...' doesn't fly. If someone is unable or unwilling to meet your emotional needs then no matter how many hoops you jump through, you're still going to be unhappy.

If you feel you are in danger if you leave this relationship, then just disappear. Plan for a time he is at work or out of town. Get a friend to help you. Load up as much as you can in the car and prepare to do without whatever gets left behind. Immediately change your number, make it clear to friends/family that they do not pass it on, and change any and all online banking passwords etc. If he continues to contact you, you get a restraining order. 'I won't let you go' is one of my biggest alarms for an abusive relationship.

As to your original question. Perhaps you have outgrown it. Needs change. Perhaps you are so unhappy you can no longer tell what would please you. The good news is, once you have taken some time to heal from this, there is a whole world of variations and you can find a relationship which satisfies all of your needs. Lots of us here have slave or sub relationships which include lots of affection, love, teamwork and fun vanilla dates.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to clove128)

RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/14/2013 11:01:52 PM

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~FR~

to be honest, he doesn't sound as if he's very good for you at the moment.

I understand the love of serving and, in the beginning, that can see you through. But you're a young woman who has outgrown a relationship. You are now in a position to better know what you need and it's up to you to make it happen.

You can stay with your current Master if you so choose, but will your thinking have changed in a year's time? Will he have changed? If your answer is 'no' then you need to bite the bullet and leave.

You can find a Master who will love you. He will be the centre of your world, and you will be the centre of his. You can still have the M/s dynamic, but it will be as part of a loving relationship rather than a 'business transaction' which is how your current situation sounds to me.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to clove128)

RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/14/2013 11:37:05 PM

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I don't understand the "he won't let me go" part. Never could relate to that extent.

From what you have written in your postings, you seem to be saying I don't think this lifestyle suits me because I want out of my current relationship. There are many doms out there that fulfill all needs. And you're still very young. I say cut bait.

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I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

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RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 1:19:25 AM

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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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What's wrong with a doormat?

-=Ode to My Doormat=-
I am tired of the prejudice against doormats. I love my doormat and it performs a vital function in my house. It is decorative and pretty to look at. It says “welcome” to my guests and makes them feel I care about them by having one. It shows respect for my house by letting you wipe your feet on it if they are dirty. It even dries your feet when they are wet. My house and my porch just wouldn’t be the same without a good doormat! Metaphorically I feel the same way about my slave(s).

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-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to clove128)

RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 1:58:36 AM

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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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quote:

I very much love my Master, more than anyone ever, but because of my behavior and the way he is naturally I don't get the fun times or affection my friends have or really any attention at all. It has become really hard to remain dedicated to being a good slave when I am almost always alone and quite honestly lonely.

Your master is not fulfilling your emotional needs. It appears he blames his own lack of emotional availability on you. This is unethical and highly manipulative. I don't think your issue is that you don't want to be a slave, you just need a better master. One that loves you and fulfills you emotionally, one you can have children with.

Now please spend some time considering why you agreed to be in a relationship with someone who could not fulfill your emotional needs. Then spend some more time pondering why you would even think of remaining with someone who would make leaving so hard. If you love someone, you *have* to be willing to let them go if that's what's best for them.

You are in a most difficult place right now, and I sincerely hope you find your way out.

_____________________________

(in reply to clove128)

RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 2:17:25 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: clove128
....I very much love my Master, more than anyone ever, but because of my behavior and the way he is naturally I don't get the fun times or affection my friends have or really any attention at all. It has become really hard to remain dedicated to being a good slave when I am almost always alone and quite honestly lonely.

I have bolded the bits that screamed out at me and says it all.

Along with all the others on here, I have to agree that you have outgrown your master.
IMHO, your master is no longer your master if he cannot fullfil your basic needs.

I think it's time to cut ties and find someone who will meet your needs.
A master who will love you even if you are his slave.
To me, that is a fundamental failing of the one you are with.

(in reply to clove128)

RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 2:42:52 AM

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Sunny
Quote of the Day
goes to
TigressLily
for
Everyone deserves to be loved

http://www.collarchat.com/m_4566486/tm.htm

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to TigressLily)

RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 3:11:45 AM

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Thank you, sunshine. I wasn't expecting that. Are we allowed to nominate you? There was one I saw you posted the other day and I meant to do so but got distracted. (Can't remember which thread now.)

_____________________________

That Orbed Maiden with White Fire Layden
Whom Mortals Shall Call the Moon ~ Lord Byron
She Moves in Mysterious Ways . . . On Your Knees, Boy. ~ U2

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RE: Have I outgrown being a slave? - 10/15/2013 4:45:44 AM

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Hello Lily -
It's ok to do so. You are welcome to post them in the regular threads or the "SQOTD" thread. There is a list at post 297 that shows my personal guidelines for the qotd. In particular, these 4 things:

1. NOTHING HURTFUL - it was clever and witty but was poking fun at someone even a little bit, it was not eligible for the quote of the day.

2. THERE'S ENOUGH TO GO AROUND - If someone recently got a QOTD, then despite clever witticisms, I did my best to find someone else to give the QOTD to.

3. WARM, SUNNY QUOTES - something that made me smile and feel warm.

4. THINGS THAT MAKE YOU STOP - - it just was something that made me think, made me laugh, made me say "good on you" or something like that.

Back to your regularly scheduled thread...

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to TigressLily)

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