RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 11:10:09 AM

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Then what are we doing right now? Your tone indicates that you are arguing with me. But your logic indicates that you agree that it is the right thing to do sometimes.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 11:16:08 AM

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
I guess I'm the lone voice of dissension. There's no way in hell that I'd stay at the home of someone I didn't know.

I think it depends on the person. I once flew to meet a lady, expecting to stay in a hotel. She said she'd rather I stayed at her place, so I did. And it was great. I'm a guy and she's a 4'11" woman, so I wasn't running much of a risk, in the grand scheme. But one of the reasons I was attracted to her was her open and trusting nature. If a woman treats me like a potential stalker or abuser, I say thanks but no thanks. Cynical and jaded makes for hilarious message board comments, but it isn't attractive in dating life.

Actually, it is ludicrous to label a woman cynical and jaded if she not only looks out for her potential safety, but also values herself enough not to jump into anything so quickly.

I certainly would not think that was an "above average" person, I would think she was either naive, an idiot or desperate to not allow for what OsideGirl said.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 11:16:30 AM

Posts: 3315
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Then what are we doing right now? Your tone indicates that you are arguing with me. But your logic indicates that you agree that it is the right thing to do sometimes.

Nope, not arguing with you. Just wanted to know if you thought less of her judgment by her decision to have you stay in her home at the first meeting. I tend toward blunt speech which sometimes sounds argumentative. Sorry.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to RedMagic1)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 11:33:15 AM

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
Just wanted to know if you thought less of her judgment by her decision to have you stay in her home at the first meeting.

I thought better of her, not less of her. But I think it depends on the guy. It's like the question: Should I sleep with him on the first date? Some men will appreciate it; others will think less of you, long term, even if they enjoy it in the moment.

The lady in my story is the first one with whom I started my current policy, which is to get naked as quickly as possible, but not to have intercourse until at least the second date or the next day. She was really happy I did this, which surprised both of us. She told me in the morning, "I really wanted to have sex last night, but I'm glad you made me wait. It means you're in control." I.e., both in control of myself, and of her.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 12:05:32 PM

Rawni

Posts: 1175
Status: offline

Personally, I feel it is foolish to think that meeting in a public place will protect you from harm. How many rapes or beatings happen from home and public places? I take my security within myself, having prepared to defend myself after I was old enough to do so, because I have been taken right off the street and pulled into a car by someone local to me, known to many. I also had a friend that said, I could take you out of this establishment and no one would do a thing. I said he was wrong. So this six foot three man that looked like a real rough biker, picked me up and carried me out of the place and set me down outside. He said, where are your saviors? He proved to me that a woman has to be her best self defense. I also came down my stairs from putting my kids to bed and found a man there to greet me, someone that had seen me from a place he was visiting.

It can happen in lots of ways. I recommend being prepared for anything, anywhere, anytime. There are things we do that can be a false sense of security for us and we lower our defenses. For me, there is no security... no for sure anything, but I do take care and I am prepared. I will not live in fear, but I will live prepared and aware. Anyone can be fooled... anyone. Anyone, male or female can be set up and taken advantage of or made victim.

To sound as if one way is more secure than another in the society we live in... is fool hardy. There is a chance at every time with anyone that we could be placing ourselves at risk and to take security in a hotel room... rofl... is just not something I would trust. Have you heard or seen what happens in those places? Without living in fear I have met a number of people local and not local, in various situations and only one was an issue and it wasn't physical safety I had to worry about... but his lies and manipulations and coming to a public place.. here, to bring his drama.

We are responsible for our own safety, however we do that and we can be what some might say is wiser and safer, but the facts are, there are no guarantees. We are our own best weapon of protection by many means... but with my experiences, I feel better about meeting them in my home because there I have better protections than hoping a stranger might see and hear and help me in a public place. Tell this protective measure to all those taken from public places that didn't survive. My home is my castle, I reign there and I feel better about it. Yet, I could still be victimized there. Victims can often be people that look like victims to others. This is why they say that when in public and alone, to walk aggressively and look like you know how to take care of business. I know this works and in some places I have lived, it served me well... and that knife I carried did help a time or two when someone got pushy about wanting a 'date'. The worst hours in that area were between five and seven in the evening when all the men were coming home from work and no one expected something to happen in broad daylight. Please don't tell me I should have lived in better places, when I was a single mother, ill and not getting any child support and my income was the only income supporting the kids with specail health problems that cost me over four hundred a month for just one of the kids, that wasn't covered with insurance.

Things happen. The best advice is to teach women to be strong, to not fall for anything that spins a pretty tale or gives them attention and give them self defense classes. Teach them to be badass and to never think no one could take them down... anywhere they might be. Anyone can be taken down... but if you are strong, able and have confidence, you may survive it.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 2:39:15 PM

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

That's one hell of a post, Rawni. Damn you've got a sexy mind.

I thought I'd tell one other story. The last woman who lived with me, our first date ended up with me sleeping on her sofa. We lived about 2 hours apart, and I drove to her and bought her dinner. I was planning to drive back, or to crash in a motel and drive back in the morning. Instead, she offered for me to stay at her place. She said, "We'll probably cuddle and make out, but it won't go any further than that, and you'll be sleeping on the sofa, in a different room from me. Are you ok with that?" I said yes, of course. And that's exactly what we ended up doing.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Rawni)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 3:25:48 PM

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

No matter which version or advice already given fits best, chemistry overcomes all obstacles. Obviously there wasn't enough of it.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to Galvestonnurse)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 4:16:28 PM

Posts: 10
Joined: 9/29/2013
Status: offline

Well. I appreciate all the advise. I really was hoping to meet another Dom. I have decided not to give my ex Dom another chance, but I
do feel lonely and I miss the physical contact as well. I accepted a vanilla date tonight with a very attractive man in my area. He is very fit, tall and good looking but also very vanilla. I was not even able to explain my yearning for a Dom to
him, but I am attracted physically so maybe a D/a relationship is not in the cards for me. I
will keep looking, I already told this guy I am not willing to be in a relationship with him, but I am lonely and he is still
willing to date despite my statement. It's sad that I have not been able to find a Dom I am attracted to in my area, but I live on a small island and I have a very busy life. I do agree with many of the ladies here. My decision to go there was unwise and I would have put myself at risk. I do trust too much I guess, although I should know better given what I see in my professional life every day. I am blessed. I have a great life. I was not given unattractive features. I have a great career, house, a new car, a loving family and friends...I miss having a partner/lover/companion but most women would probably trade lives with me in a heartbeat. So I will learn to be content and not risk what I have to meet a Dom in an unsafe situation.

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 4:22:58 PM

Rawni

Posts: 1175
Status: offline

It sounds like you have bought into a lot of self imposed lies. I saw that you were lonely and sounding a bit needy and that is the one thing those that prey upon others, look for. Loneliness can be your own worst enemy, add that you don't think you are attractive... will not help you when you determine that you have a good life, because by default you will most likely go to lonely, needy and insecure.

I hate to be brutal, but if you don't really feel better about yourself, you are your own worst threat. Forget about the guys, the small island and all that muck. Try to work on edifying yourself... you are smart, you have a stable income and career, you have all the things that someone is looking for... why waste it on dip shits that wouldn't value you anymore than you do?

Work on you honey... then seek a partner. Any other way of it, your chances of dooming yourself to more that eats at you is really high. Smile, breath... dance, look in the mirror and know your beauty and stop lying to yourself. You are beautiful and worth more than you are giving yourself. Let the dicks wait... take care of you.

< Message edited by Rawni -- 12/13/2013 4:23:17 PM >

(in reply to Galvestonnurse)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 4:43:06 PM

Posts: 231
Joined: 4/5/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Galvestonnurse

My decision to go there was unwise and I would have put myself at risk. I do trust too much I guess, although I should know better given what I see in my professional life every day.

I don't think you're taking the right message away from what people told you. I highly doubt you were "at risk" from the situation you described, at least at risk of being physically harmed (any more so than normal).

What you have is all the signs of a guy who just wants easy sex with you with no commitment. Any man who truly wants you in his life will be very accommodating when it comes to meeting you.

(in reply to Galvestonnurse)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 5:01:07 PM

Posts: 14415
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SWDesertDom

quote:

ORIGINAL: Galvestonnurse

My decision to go there was unwise and I would have put myself at risk. I do trust too much I guess, although I should know better given what I see in my professional life every day.

I don't think you're taking the right message away from what people told you. I highly doubt you were "at risk" from the situation you described, at least at risk of being physically harmed (any more so than normal).

I think the biggest risk is getting there and either chemistry doesn't work or he isn't how he presented himself. Hell, whenever I met guys for the first time, I wouldn't even do anything more than coffee because it's sucks to spend dinner with someone that you don't like, never mind a weekend.

I'm not a person who has sex quickly. I prefer to know that's genuine like rather than a hormone rush making the decision. I don't think that makes me jaded or cynical, just extremely picky.

The bottom line is that you're going to meet a stranger.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to SWDesertDom)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 6:47:13 PM

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Galvestonnurse
He is very fit, tall and good looking but also very vanilla. I was not even able to explain my yearning for a Dom to
him, but I am attracted physically so maybe a D/a relationship is not in the cards for me.

There are definitely guys who would love to be dom but don't realize it's ok. I think this is especially true if the guy has a job in a sphere that is sensitive about sexual harassment, like public education.

Is the problem that you don't know how to ask for what you want? Honestly, if you could take him or leave him, what have you got to lose? How about something like, "This might sound silly, but I love to be spanked and then told to go make a sandwich." Something that isn't just a sex game, but involves some subordination too. See how he responds. Maybe he didn't realize that a woman he respected could ever want something like that.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Galvestonnurse)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 8:03:58 PM

Posts: 463
Joined: 3/25/2010
Status: offline

FR

One idea that I had with a girl I talked to a while back is to meet somewhere neutral (I live in Ohio, she lived in NJ...we discussed meeting in DC). Then you could have a date doing something touristy, or over coffee, or whatever interested the two of you. At the end of the day, you could go to the same hotel room, or you could go your separate ways and get two rooms (our plan had been to get two rooms, but leave the option of going back to the same room on the table).

I certainly understand fears about going to a person's house the first time you meet them. But I'm in agreement with RedMagic1 when he says that it depends on the person. You just have to read the situation at hand...but if you're traveling, I'd definitely make sure you have a backup plan in case you don't want to spend the night with that person.

_____________________________

I have always been among those who believed that the greatest freedom of speech was the greatest safety, because if a man is a fool, the best thing to do is to encourage him to advertise the fact by speaking.
-Woodrow Wilson

(in reply to RedMagic1)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 10:20:37 PM

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Galvestonnurse

....... So I will learn to be content and not risk what I have to meet a Dom in an unsafe situation.

And exactly what would you consider a safe situation? I think that is a question you should answer for yourself. I think if you don't you only increase the odds that you will not like the results.

I can appreciate that meeting someone local is highly unlikely for yourself. My Alandra and I were in a similar situation in that finding someone local was not a likely possibility. In fact, my Kyra, who we crossed paths first online lived some 3000 miles from us in the beginning. That was over eight years ago. We met, and eventually she moved those 3000 miles into another country to be with us. That will be six years this coming Monday.

What is ironic is that some 14 years after we activity started to look for that elusive unicorn and 8 years after Kyra came into our life a another unicorn crossed my path who is only a scant 120 miles away. But, I took out the bow and got her too! Danielle doesn't live with us yet, but she does spend about half her time with us. Work and few other things is about the only things that came her away.

I appreciate that you are monogamous and lonely. But I do wish to suggest that you do not settle. Consider the type of person you want to share your life with. Consider what you are willing to do in order to grow such a relationship. Regardless if the person is around the corner or thousands of miles away.

You are right... You have a lot to be content and happy about in your life. So why settle to share that with someone that isn't all that you truly need and want from a person in your most intimate relationship?

Good luck to you

Ps... If you ever considering meeting someone over along distance send me or my girl Kyra a note. We can share what we did. Of course you can do some searching her one the forum. I know somewhere here our story been told a few dozen times.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 12/13/2013 10:22:45 PM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Galvestonnurse)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/14/2013 1:26:49 PM

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I guess I'm the lone voice of dissension. There's no way in hell that I'd stay at the home of someone I didn't know.

I would get a hotel rooms and have a series of meets with no sex or play to see if we're compatible. Then I would save the home stay, sex and play for the next visit.

I once flew out to meet a guy. Met him and even though we had been talking for months, it was instant dislike. I was immensely happy that I had an arrangement where I didn't have to be in his house pressured for sex. We met one more time for lunch, just to make sure I wasn't wrong about him (I wasn't). So, the I spent the rest of the weekend as a tourist and had fun.

If they were local to each other, most of us would advise to meet for coffee and go home, then decide if you like him enough to see him again. I don't understand why the advice is different because it's long distance, but everyone here seems to think she should be sleeping in his house on the first meeting.

I believe I said the same thing as you did, Oside... so you and I can float in that boat together...

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/14/2013 2:43:15 PM

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Sunny Quote of the Day
goes to
RedMagic1

for

In general, men will work for things they want.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_4601527/tm.htm

I SECOND THAT!!

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/14/2013 4:02:30 PM

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

I read your profile...you sound so much like me

It is rough because...you may not INTEND to become interested in someone who is not local but sometimes it happens. I met someone on here a year ago who lived 4 hrs away. My suggestion is to first have a GOOD idea that you have stuff in common other than just physical. Long distance stands a much better chance if you like each other and see something there that you really can appreciate as being unique.

Maybe I am old-school.but I would prefer someone willing to come to me , at least at first. When Malcolm and I started seeing each other, he did the drive for the first couple of months..

Is Galveston really have that small of a BDSM scene? Have you tried Fetlife? I see that they combine with Houston so at least that is a major city.

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/14/2013 6:59:11 PM

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Master and I were about 3 hours apart. The first time we met I figured even if we didn't hit it off at least Baltimore would be a nice place to just go for a mini vacation and just have fun by myself as a little break from the monotony of everyday life.

I got a hotel room and we met at a coffee shop. We agreed that if we didn't hit it off over coffee we'd just go our separate ways. If we did then we would have dinner together that same night and go from there.

So we did end up hitting it off and never did I go back to his place though. We went for a little walk in town after dinner, had some dessert and then went back to my hotel room but there was never any sex involved. Just a little begging and groveling.

I personally would set it up this way if I were you. Don't go because you want to meet the guy. Go because you would still have fun there even if it didn't work out. This way there is no disappointment and no hard feelings and you're still safe.

I flew to Alabama to meet another guy, flew to Florida for another. Did the same thing...went because I wanted a vacation anyway. Stayed at a hotel, met for coffee, etc.....I've always paid for my own trips and drinks, etc...

If you can't afford to do that then only look local. Don't expect someone else to pay your expenses. I personally find that to be completely lame.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 12/14/2013 7:01:31 PM >

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Galvestonnurse)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/17/2013 6:47:24 AM

Posts: 10
Joined: 9/29/2013
Status: offline

Well, I have no trouble finding vanilla dates, lol. I tried explaining the whole D/s thing to my latest date and he did not really seem to understand what I need. He just wanted to score with me, but I am not promiscuous, so I put an end to the date after he started getting too grabby. That seems to happen a lot. A lot of guys are attracted to me, but they usually just want sex. I really am happy with my life, and I am getting tired of this endless search. I think I am going to just let it go, and rely on pleasuring myself for my physical needs. If I really need sex, both my ex Doms keep texting and offering. I guess at that point I would rather go with somebody I already know. I would love to meet a real long term partner of course, but maybe that's not in my future.

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/17/2013 7:11:28 AM

tj444

Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I've always paid for my own trips and drinks, etc...

If you can't afford to do that then only look local. Don't expect someone else to pay your expenses. I personally find that to be completely lame.

I have paid for my own trips also but one guy I travelled to meet postponed on me after I had already rented a car, he told me he would pay the cost of that 1 day rental cost but the following week when I did meet him, he conveniently forgot about that and never did reimburse me for my unnecessary cost.. imo, if a guy offers to pay for part of the cost of travel but then doesn't, well.. imo take that as him showing his hand in his willingness to keep his word or not (obviously its not a good sign if he doesn't, imo).. and when a guy offers to pay, he should not need to be "reminded" of his promise, he either keeps his word or doesn't.. he is either honorable or he's not.. either trustworthy or not.. it shows his character and how important you are to him (or not).. jmo..

_____________________________

As Anderson Cooper said “If he (Trump) took a dump on his desk, you would defend it”

(in reply to littlewonder)

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.203