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Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 1:23:46 AM

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I have a question about meeting a Dom when he is not local and what is a good way to work it out. I was going to go to Dallas to meet a Dom but he started saying he felt nervous about having a stranger over. I would have had to get a hotel and just meet him at his place
then go back to my hotel alone to entertain myself till the next day when it would be time to get home. I decided not to go. Sounded more like a business trip than a trip to meet a new partner. I want to be safe but driving or flying some place can be expensive. Paying for a hotel on top of that is a bit much. I do pretty well financially and it's not a huge sacrifice but I do try to be frugal. I also don't really want to travel to a new town all by myself and I get spooked spending the night in a hotel by myself. I understand that's my problem, but I was wondering how it's worked for other people here. I also invited him over, offered to pick him up and drop him off at the airport and show him the town and let him stay over at my place. I suggested we could just hang out as friends if we had no chemistry. I even offered to help with the ticket. Although now that I think about it, I would not want to start a relationship with somebody who relies on me financially to come see me.

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 1:36:11 AM

Rawni

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Wow, he was afraid to have a stranger over, but would let you come to his house? The guy was afraid to commit to an all nighter or weekend. He wasn't afraid to let you know where he lived. So what else could it mean?

I talk to people long enough that I am comfortable. I'm a bit different than others and I will bring people to my home, but most never get that far because I can weed them out before then. In my own home, I can prepare, have weapons and neighbors that know I am having a visitor. I feel safer in my home than in public where many people don't want to get involved and I can't carry. lol

If this guy isn't coming forward with solutions and helping at least by understanding and making it as easy as he can... I would dump the dude and find someone a bit less afraid and more willing to show that he really, really wants to know you. Think back on it all. There is most likely something you overlooked, gave him credit for in trying to be nice and understanding and some sign that the guy isn't really all he is presenting himself as.

Not everything is fair in love and war... and when a man cannot stand up and show that you matter enough to get over himself, he just isn't worth the time in the long run.

(in reply to Galvestonnurse)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 4:02:46 AM

lizi

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I think the best way to work out meeting someone who doesn't put forth any effort into meeting you is not to do it and start over with someone who isn't emotionally unavailable or possibly in a relationship. This guy is putting forth nothing in order to see you, do you think that would ever change in the future? Quite honestly you can probably get laid in your own town, that's all he's offering you, and you can probably get the sex for free instead of laying out money for a trip.

When you start looking for someone new, stick with local men so you can meet fairly quickly and see if there is a spark.

(in reply to Galvestonnurse)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 4:53:13 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Galvestonnurse

I have a question about meeting a Dom when he is not local and what is a good way to work it out. I was going to go to Dallas to meet a Dom but he started saying he felt nervous about having a stranger over. I would have had to get a hotel and just meet him at his place
then go back to my hotel alone to entertain myself till the next day when it would be time to get home. I decided not to go. Sounded more like a business trip than a trip to meet a new partner. I want to be safe but driving or flying some place can be expensive. Paying for a hotel on top of that is a bit much. I do pretty well financially and it's not a huge sacrifice but I do try to be frugal. I also don't really want to travel to a new town all by myself and I get spooked spending the night in a hotel by myself. I understand that's my problem, but I was wondering how it's worked for other people here. I also invited him over, offered to pick him up and drop him off at the airport and show him the town and let him stay over at my place. I suggested we could just hang out as friends if we had no chemistry. I even offered to help with the ticket. Although now that I think about it, I would not want to start a relationship with somebody who relies on me financially to come see me.

I don't live in a population center, so most of my dates off CM have been non-local. Each situation has been a bit different. I met an attorney; I paid plane fare, she paid for the hotel room. A grad student flew to me; I paid half the plane ticket (I fronted the $ and she gave me cash when I picked her up in the airport) and paid for everything while she was in town. And so on.

In general, men will work for things they want. From your story, this guy either sounded lazy, or attached, or he thought of you as a disposable fuckhole. I wouldn't spend money on any of those options, though perhaps that's what you are into.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Galvestonnurse)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 6:12:36 AM

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Sunny Quote of the Day
goes to
RedMagic1

for

In general, men will work for things they want.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_4601527/tm.htm

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to RedMagic1)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 6:23:52 AM

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You are right. And I do deserve respect and consideration by a potential partner. If I just wanted sex, I have plenty of opportunity locally. I have been approached by plenty of attractive guys here on the island. But I want a real relationship with a Dom so I turned them down.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 6:35:16 AM

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Hello Galveston Nurse,
Last year, I had the opportunity to travel to Britain for a conference (I live in Asia). One of the regular posters here, crazy ml lives (what I thought) was near where my conference was. I invited him to meet for a cup of coffee. Not having looked at a map, I thought Liverpool was near London... it's not. Anyway, he got on a train - knowing it would take over four hours to get to where I was. In reality, it took over 9 hours. Nothing in it for him but a cuppa coffee, some fun chatting and a short walk.... but he put the effort in. He's sexy as hell and has mad charm and can have any woman he wants, so he sure as heck didn't NEED to spend all that time, energy, and money just to have a cup of joe with me (so sweet you could kill a camel with, as I recall).

For me, it's not just about the money that either of us spent on meeting and furthering our friendship, but the energy and willingness. I'll be traveling to another country soon (I travel a bit for work, so it happens I get to meet people in far-flung places), and I'm hoping to meet another couple of posters from here (who will have to travel a bit to meet me). Several people on the boards here have met each other and created friendships and romance... because each one is willing to put in the time, energy, and money needed to create meaningful relationships.

Let me remind you of something a friend once told me that went BANG right into my heart.

Never make someone a priority who considers you an option.

That has helped me tremendously over the years.

Best wishes, and good luck,
sunshine

*eta: I don't think I would willingly meet a stranger at his home. I have always either met in public or made sure the person was known by someone I know. Just because it's about D/s doesn't mean I should give up my own responsibility for taking care of myself. If a stranger called you on the phone and told you to meet him in a deserted place in a strange city, would you do it? Would you recommend that your best friend do that? Because.... that's pretty much what you were planning to do. There are bad people in the world. Some of them are into BDSM. Be careful. Don't be stupid.

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 12/13/2013 6:55:20 AM >

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 7:49:37 AM

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After two long distance relationships that didn't work out, I made a strict "local guys only" rule which has served me well.

I also told all the guys who claimed to be "moving to your area soon" to contact me when they were settled in - funny, not one of them ever did that.

Sure, LDRs can work out, but the odds are against it, and two times of falling for someone LD and then him turning out to not be how he had represented himself was enough for me.

I am now in a committed relationship with someone 25 minutes away that has exceeded my wildest expectations.

(in reply to Galvestonnurse)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 8:04:55 AM

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You've gotten some good responses. This man is either not that interested (emotionally unavailable) or not that interested in you. He appears to think you should put out all the effort, whereas he should expend none.

What he should be doing is everything he can to make you feel you could trust him and to lessen your anxieties.

I'm glad you determined he's not a good match. No one like that is. Please look back over your conversations and see if you can uncover some red flags about this person. I bet they're there. If you can find them, it will help for the next time.

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RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 8:24:49 AM

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RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 9:16:38 AM

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My sub and I lived 3 hours away from each other when we first met. We met at a munch that was in the middle between the two of us. We met up at the munches every couple of weeks then I invited her over. Fast forward almost a year and she lives with me now. We are actually in the midst of moving to a bigger place. Perhaps you two could meet at munch or public place at first. (I would recommend this anyway) but its odd. If someone really wants to meet or see you, they will. If they don't there will be a million and one excuses.

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RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 9:55:43 AM

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You have gotten lots of great advice. I agree with what everyone has said....you deserve better. Also, if it by some chance *did* work out, it sounds as though it would be difficult to get together on a regular basis anyhow, so unless one of you was open to relocation, maybe it's better not to get attached anyhow.......Good luck in your search, I know how hard it is....

Darkly

(in reply to zpenguin)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 9:56:56 AM

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I guess I'm the lone voice of dissension. There's no way in hell that I'd stay at the home of someone I didn't know.

I would get a hotel rooms and have a series of meets with no sex or play to see if we're compatible. Then I would save the home stay, sex and play for the next visit.

I once flew out to meet a guy. Met him and even though we had been talking for months, it was instant dislike. I was immensely happy that I had an arrangement where I didn't have to be in his house pressured for sex. We met one more time for lunch, just to make sure I wasn't wrong about him (I wasn't). So, the I spent the rest of the weekend as a tourist and had fun.

If they were local to each other, most of us would advise to meet for coffee and go home, then decide if you like him enough to see him again. I don't understand why the advice is different because it's long distance, but everyone here seems to think she should be sleeping in his house on the first meeting.

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RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 10:07:29 AM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I guess I'm the lone voice of dissension. There's no way in hell that I'd stay at the home of someone I didn't know.

I would get a hotel rooms and have a series of meets with no sex or play to see if we're compatible. Then I would save the home stay, sex and play for the next visit.

I once flew out to meet a guy. Met him and even though we had been talking for months, it was instant dislike. I was immensely happy that I had an arrangement where I didn't have to be in his house pressured for sex. We met one more time for lunch, just to make sure I wasn't wrong about him (I wasn't). So, the I spent the rest of the weekend as a tourist and had fun.

If they were local to each other, most of us would advise to meet for coffee and go home, then decide if you like him enough to see him again. I don't understand why the advice is different because it's long distance, but everyone here seems to think she should be sleeping in his house on the first meeting.

I don't think she should stay at his house, sorry if I was unclear, I was commenting in my post that he was putting no effort into a potential meeting. He's unwilling to have her there (and I wouldn't want her to stay with him anyway), unwilling to help pay for a hotel, unwilling to help pay to get her there, unwilling to go to her location, and seems to want to give her a small window of time if she should go to him.

I don't think she should have him to her house either, but at least she offered to pay part of the expense should he come to town and also offered to be present during his stay and put forth some effort to entertain him.

Which is why I really hate long distance, there's not way to ascertain compatibility without putting forth a big effort right from the start.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 10:23:26 AM

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Hey op.

You did the right thing, you've got smarts.

You'll meet a chap who'll make an effort for sure.

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(in reply to Galvestonnurse)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 10:49:27 AM

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When I met my submissive, I volunteered to get a hotel room before the discussion came up. I didn't want her having added anxiety about having me judge the bohemian entropy of her apartment. Also the power dynamics are heavily skewed in my favor as a dominant male so having me in her home, staying overnight etc might have caused too much needless consternation. We got along fine and I ended up staying at her place for the remainder of my time there which was good for me because I was hoping to have an ongoing partner and not just a series of hotel scenes.

If the situation were reversed and she were to travel to me - I would have wanted her to stay at my home. Having her stay at a hotel and interacting with her only there would have made it appear I had something to hide.

< Message edited by Inghammar -- 12/13/2013 10:50:10 AM >

(in reply to crazyml)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 10:51:38 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
I guess I'm the lone voice of dissension. There's no way in hell that I'd stay at the home of someone I didn't know.

I think it depends on the person. I once flew to meet a lady, expecting to stay in a hotel. She said she'd rather I stayed at her place, so I did. And it was great. I'm a guy and she's a 4'11" woman, so I wasn't running much of a risk, in the grand scheme. But one of the reasons I was attracted to her was her open and trusting nature. If a woman treats me like a potential stalker or abuser, I say thanks but no thanks. Cynical and jaded makes for hilarious message board comments, but it isn't attractive in dating life.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 11:02:24 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
I guess I'm the lone voice of dissension. There's no way in hell that I'd stay at the home of someone I didn't know.

I think it depends on the person. I once flew to meet a lady, expecting to stay in a hotel. She said she'd rather I stayed at her place, so I did. And it was great. I'm a guy and she's a 4'11" woman, so I wasn't running much of a risk, in the grand scheme. But one of the reasons I was attracted to her was her open and trusting nature. If a woman treats me like a potential stalker or abuser, I say thanks but no thanks. Cynical and jaded makes for hilarious message board comments, but it isn't attractive in dating life.

There is a line somewhere between cynical and jaded and foolishly trusting. And though it may be sexist, women have more reason to be careful than do men (which is not saying that men have NO reason to be careful). Did the woman's decision to have you stay in her home right off make you wonder about her judgment generally?

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(in reply to RedMagic1)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 11:04:56 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
Did the woman's decision to have you stay in her home right off make you wonder about her judgment generally?

It helped me realize she was an above-average person.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

RE: Question about meeting Doms who are not local - 12/13/2013 11:07:51 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
Did the woman's decision to have you stay in her home right off make you wonder about her judgment generally?

It helped me realize she was an above-average person.

I did the same thing she did, with someone I met here whom I knew I could trust. I was right, that weekend and a handful of others. He told me NEVER to do that again!

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to RedMagic1)

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