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RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 3/22/2014 10:37:28 PM

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
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Honestly, it's been a year, go for it. No point in languishing over old memories where you can create new ones. My brother calls me a walking target yet I'm pretty successful with online dating because I refuse to settle and neither should you.
Having coitus changes a person, heartbreak changes a person, especially if it's something you haven't experienced before and I believe it did change you for the better. You are exercising prudence.
Love can happen anytime so better to regret what you did than what you didn't do, go for it. You have my blessing but check for warning bells.
Men do lie, but it depends on the depth and breadth of their deception whether or not they're a keeper or not.
There is no perfect man out there, only the perfect man for you. Life is a series of compromises as long as you're not compromising your core beliefs.
The fact that you were a virgin for so long proves you're not someone to rush to error typically and this was an atypical scenario with the "asshole ex".
And I believe it was Fiery who suggested OK Cupid. My ex is on there so beware pretty young one. ;)

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(in reply to fluffyprincess)

RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 3/22/2014 11:10:45 PM

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"The fact that you were a virgin for so long proves you're not someone to rush to error typically and this was an atypical scenario with the "asshole ex"."

Thank you! Lol. I don't rush into things...usually. It was just my first relationship, so I fucked up...a ton. But, yes. Learned a lot...I know what not to do next time.

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RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 3/23/2014 1:57:07 AM

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
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Princess, you didn't already tell this new on-line guy about the other one from CM, did you? Or that you lost your virginity to him recently? There truly are sensitive, caring, sympathetic men out there--but there are many who are only out for themselves and what they can *get* from a woman for their immediate gratification.

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes
<snip>
Many guys will sweet talk you until they have sex with you, then you'll never hear from them again. Don't believe everything you read on a screen. He's talked about sex, so it's on his agenda. And apparently, he said just what you wanted to hear, "sex without a relationship is meaningless"...blah blah blah, he wants sex, they all do. Because you're now finding all kinds of reasons that he's the one and you're already making plans inside your head on how you're going to make this one work. And you haven't even met him yet. You're just read stuff he's written on a screen.
<snip>

It was a male who stated this, half-seriously: How do you know when a man is lying? His lips are moving.

You seem like a very open type of person, the kind that certain types of self-serving men gravitate towards. Gaining life experience is one thing--getting burned is another. As for your virginity, you hooked up with somebody who takes kindness for weakness, specifically implicit consent. Aeons ago, I gave up my virginity to a boy my age whom I'd had a crush on for over a year. We'd flirted and hung out a bit, went bike riding a couple times. I wanted him as a boyfriend, but it soon became apparent I was just a booty call for him and that he had no intention of "going steady" and making me his girlfriend. That would have cramped his style. The moral of the story is, no regrets on the loss of your virginity. No shame. He didn't deserve you.

Also, no matter how important D/s or BDSM factors into your intimate relationships, it's like walking a tightrope and keeping your balance. You want to find a man who's open to exploring this facet of sexuality with you, but there are many men on these dating sites who are only looking for one-night stands. Once talk of kinkiness enters into your preliminary conversations, these same men consider a kinky woman (or one who discusses sex openly) an easy lay.

Given your overall sexual inexperience, I would suggest hold off on sexual topics altogether until after you've done your meet & greet and determined whether you even have chemistry first, whether you would want this man to make love to you or not. Stating that you are old-fashioned when it comes to dating is a very specific instruction, and it's your job to not cut corners or offer to meet him halfway. Make him prove that he has honorable intentions towards you. Once you've started dating, you can drop hints and be a little bit of a tease--leave him wanting more incrementally. Have fun and don't let yourself get emotionally invested too fast too soon if you can help it, which I know is easier said than done, especially for us with a romantic, sentimental nature.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to windchymes)

RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 3/23/2014 6:18:07 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fluffyprincess

Actually...he and I were making out...and before long, he was teasing me...and then he just did it...didn't ask me if it was really what I wanted at that time. I was about to say something *right* before he did it...but he did it before I had a chance to say something. It happened too fast for me to be able to say anything.

But, as I had said, I know it is my fault for getting back together with him. Had I not gotten back together with him, it wouldn't have happened. I'd still be a virgin.

This was the very same way "it" happened for me. And probably a LOT of other people. I bet if you took a poll here, you'd find very few people who "lost" their virginity in some kind of passionate, sweaty, heaving, multiple-orgasmic, earth-shaking moment of rapture. It usually ain't like it was in a romance novel.

It's also a very small minority who wind up marrying and spending the rest of their lives with the person they lost their cherry to. Really.

I think you're trying to have the best of both worlds. You want to be swept off your feet in a perfect, fairytale romance, but you're looking for this in websites where the main focus is on kinky sex, hooking up and instant gratification. Honestly, if you're looking for handsome princes on white horses to ride you off into the sunset, you aren't going to find it in here or OK Cupid.

< Message edited by windchymes -- 3/23/2014 6:19:10 AM >

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RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 3/23/2014 7:01:03 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

quote:

ORIGINAL: fluffyprincess

Actually...he and I were making out...and before long, he was teasing me...and then he just did it...didn't ask me if it was really what I wanted at that time. I was about to say something *right* before he did it...but he did it before I had a chance to say something. It happened too fast for me to be able to say anything.

But, as I had said, I know it is my fault for getting back together with him. Had I not gotten back together with him, it wouldn't have happened. I'd still be a virgin.

This was the very same way "it" happened for me. And probably a LOT of other people. I bet if you took a poll here, you'd find very few people who "lost" their virginity in some kind of passionate, sweaty, heaving, multiple-orgasmic, earth-shaking moment of rapture. It usually ain't like it was in a romance novel.

It's also a very small minority who wind up marrying and spending the rest of their lives with the person they lost their cherry to. Really.

The first women I was with was Alandra..... I believe I said it here before.... Lost my sweet innocence to that wanting women! ;). And sure wasn't all the passion and overwhelming lust you read in the romance books. It was slow and awkward! From that day on I knew that I needed to practice more! But I never regretted the moment of being with her or the countless times I been with her over the last 27 years.

Ps... It's not so awkward anymore ;)

I wasn't rushing into a relationship... And I am still not rushing. We have been and continue to take our time as we slowly move forward happily with each step in our lives.

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to windchymes)

RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 3/23/2014 7:49:42 AM

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Knight, over the many years I've been reading youru posts in here, I've always considered you part of the "small minority", and I mean that in a good way :)

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Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

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RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 3/23/2014 11:37:30 PM

Posts: 51
Joined: 10/16/2009
From: London
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I agree with everyone else, Princess. Slow down. You're great, and you'll be with someone good before you know it. You just need not to rush it.

All the advice to be cautious about men is right, too. Take it from me, I am one. It's not that we're all selfish and uncaring, though obviously some are. It's that even those of us who are trying can find self-control difficult, especially if we're young and don't know what we want or what we're doing. And often men don't understand the ways in which we can hurt women.

I've got to admit, I'm a fan of the book that came out ten years ago or so called "He's Just Not That Into You". It sounds on the surface a bit depressing, a bit cynical about men and about relationships, and as though you should be trying to manipulate men. But I really don't think it is. I think the basic approach it suggests – to really slow down about sex, and watch the men who aren't "that into you" melt away, is really sound (and perhaps old fashioned) good sense. The ones who really are interested in you will stick around.

And I think that's even more true when you're looking for a partner who's dominant (or submissive). I think if someone is really interested in this stuff, and really interested in you, then getting sex quickly won't be a big deal for them.

(in reply to windchymes)

RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 3/24/2014 8:40:28 AM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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You talked to one guy on CM you didn't like and therefore the whole site sucks?
While you talked to one guy on OKC you did like, and therefore it's the best site?

I think your logical deductions need work.

Somebody good at picking people could find a good person on ALT while someone who always picks the worst possible person for them would manage to do this on every site.

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RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 3/24/2014 2:59:03 PM

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Yeah, I did see that movie...I forgot about it, though. But...yeah. It is what I should do.

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RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 3/24/2014 3:03:29 PM

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Since when did I say either of those things?

CM doesn't suck...it just, hasn't worked for me.
OKC might have worked for me, who knows. I'll have to meet him first, and see if his actions&character match his words.

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Jingle bells Bratgirl smells, Birdboy laid an egg! The batmobile lost a wheel and Puddin got away!

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RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 3/24/2014 6:21:09 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fluffyprincess

Actually...he and I were making out...and before long, he was teasing me...and then he just did it...didn't ask me if it was really what I wanted at that time. I was about to say something *right* before he did it...but he did it before I had a chance to say something. It happened too fast for me to be able to say anything.

Nothing but love, but that right there is hogwash. You were being sexual... somehow your clothes got off or at least pushed aside. There was plenty of time to say something.

You chose to be sexual with him - you were making out... he was teasing you (I presume in a sexual way) so there was sex talk, somehow clothes were moved / removed... You had plenty of opportunity to say something. You simply chose not to take any of those opportunities and step away from the sexy time.

There is nothing wrong with that. But darling, put on your big girl panties, and woman up. YOU made the choice. You were not some victim of blah blah blah. There wasn't time? Puhleese. You may not have decided TONIGHT I will give away my virginity, but you sure as hell didn't decide to guard it.

Take responsibility for your choices. That's what grown ups do.

ETA:
To quote Annie Savoy from Bull Durham, “You did not get lured. Women do not get lured. They are too strong and powerful for that. Now say it I did not get lured. I accept full responsibility for my actions.”

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 3/24/2014 6:47:49 PM >

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RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 3/24/2014 6:26:53 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

Knight, over the many years I've been reading youru posts in here, I've always considered you part of the "small minority", and I mean that in a good way :)

Ty

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to windchymes)

RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 3/24/2014 6:31:49 PM

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Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
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quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

Knight, over the many years I've been reading youru posts in here, I've always considered you part of the "small minority", and I mean that in a good way :)

Here, here.
Totally agree!

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RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 3/29/2014 1:26:45 AM

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For everybody who said I needed to take accountability for my part in losing my virginity: You're right.

While I did express that I wanted to lose my virginity with him, I didn't discuss with him what that would mean to me.
I held onto it for so long, so I could lose it to somebody who wouldn't see me as just a fling, something short term.

As he had broken up with me twice before, I was obviously a short term thing to him, (obviously).

So while I was blaming him for lack of communication for so many things...I'm guilty of it, too. Had he known entirely what my virginity meant to me, he wouldn't have taken it.

He had told me he didn't want to have sex until after 4 months of dating...at that point, it was only 2 months. I wanted sex from him because it was Valentine's day, he told me he loved me, so it meant to me that we were going to be together for awhile.

(in reply to Blonderfluff)

RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 3/30/2014 7:35:45 AM

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Sweetie, moving forward, pay more attention to actions than words.

Actions: dumped you twice
Words: "I love you"

Which was a more accurate predictor of the third time he dumped you?

ps - people lie to get laid

(in reply to fluffyprincess)

RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 3/31/2014 6:33:29 AM

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Sunny Quote of the Day
goes to
kalikshama
for

ps - people lie to get laid

http://www.collarchat.com/m_4665911/mpage_2/tm.htm

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 3/31/2014 11:46:48 AM

Posts: 64
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Lol. He was one hell of a good liar. Damn those geeky, intelligent types. >.>

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RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 4/6/2014 10:25:48 PM

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Some wonderful advice... Though one point. He didn't "TAKE" your virginity. You GAVE it to him. Don't be the victim in your own life even as a sub. And I wonder the wisdom in to noobs discovering BDSM together. Always seemed to me that at least one person should have some experience in it. Maybe I'm mistaken though.

(in reply to fluffyprincess)

RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 4/7/2014 3:02:32 PM

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From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

Not meaning to be buzzkill, but you really should focus more on getting to know people in real life. I know the websites and the commercials on tv promise that your true love is waiting for you in their website, but the reality in many cases is that these people are online for a reason: because they can't handle real life. Don't believe everything you read on a screen.

Just slow down, dear. And did I mention, don't believe everything you read on a screen?

Except what I wrote, of course.

I second that. Furthermore life is meant to be lived. Not sitting behind a computer. So big deal you stumbled <we all do> The important thing is that you learn, and keep on trucking. Yes, life is pretty simple. I remember when my mom asked me what I was going to do when I told her I was getting a divorce. She was like. "What are you going to do?" My reply was. "Keep putting one foot in front of the other just like Dad taught me to do"

Good luck and carry on!

BadOne

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(in reply to windchymes)

RE: Thank you to whoever suggested OkCupid... - 4/7/2014 4:59:34 PM

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From: Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prtynked
And I wonder the wisdom in to noobs discovering BDSM together. Always seemed to me that at least one person should have some experience in it. Maybe I'm mistaken though.

No, I don't think that you are mistaken for the most part. Whatever the activity on hand, I've always found that it's better if one of the parties is more experienced or has fundamental familiarity with it. Nothing against experimentalism among peers who have some sense about themselves and aren't fumbling along like a couple of frenzied fools.

I've heard many true stories of subs teaching new and/or inexperienced Dominants proper technique or showing them the ropes (pun intended). Many subs are more experienced than their Dominant partner and shouldn't hesitate to guide with their expertise. I came out of a marital D/s so I appreciated it when my new, more experienced sub began showing me a number of things. It also helped me assess what kinks appealed to me and what didn't--was never much into fetishes; otherwise, I might have been reluctant to try something new until much later. Not a matter of technique like rope bondage or impact play, but I learned that I don't get into giving golden showers and a few other odds & ends.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Prtynked)

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