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Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 8:55:18 AM

HurtandConfused

Posts: 14
Joined: 9/6/2014
Status: offline

Really could do with some advice please.

Just out of a LTR. Met a man on-line who was a Dom (Had split up with his wife a year ago and was already divorced). Got chatting and messaging. We clicked. For some unknown reason I quickly accepted him (after abut a day) as my Dom. I suppose something about him really spoke to me.

Anyway, we agreed to meet. In that time pictures were swapped and we had phone sex. All good. However, I noticed that he was very quick to get off the phone after I had cum, it felt wrong but it shoved it out of my mind. We were due to meet the next day. He was meant to ring back, he didn't.

One the day of the meeting he contacted me to say he was ill. So after a bit of to-ing and fro-ing we postponed until the following week. We carried on as normal.

Over that weekend, it became apparent that he was actually after a M/s relationship. So off I went and had a really good think about it. He asked me to describe how I would view it. I shared a lot of myself, stuff from my background plus my thoughts about TPE. Anyway, before the meeting, again, not sure why, I accepted him as my Master and the training began. The pace increased. We met up. He was lovely. We agreed to see each other again.

And then after that, the wheels began to go a bit wobbly. I sensed him pulling away when I tried to talk about how this was making me feel i.e connected to him and I sought reassurance as to whether we were actually gong to do this thing or not. Anyway, by now feeling really quite rattled I wanted to speak to him that night (there was also something else really big happening personally that evening and I needed support). He said he was busy but we could speak the next day.

So we did. In that conversation he explained that he believed me to be vulnerable and wanted time to think about whether he wanted to make such a big commitment.

Anyway, later the next day I was assaulted by my ex. I rang him and messaged him but he wouldn't pick up. I had one message and then that was it.

I received an email a few days later (I sent him a couple more emails before this) saying that he had originally thought that I had made up the assault or used it to play for attention. He did say that he felt bad for that. And anyway now he realised hew wasn't ready for a LTR and wished me well.

I'm devastated. I'm beyond hurt and I cant stop crying. Reading this back I can see all kinds of wrong there. I'm just so confused. If there are any wise Master's here I would appreciate their advice.

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 9:24:04 AM

Posts: 69
Joined: 9/2/2014
Status: offline

First, hugs. I'm so so sorry that you are dealing with this. It's very hard when they are t what they seem.
I have my guesses here, but I don't think this reflects poorly on you.
This is a lesson, treat it as such.
It is very easy to get swept up in these things, especially online. To fully vet anyone, you can't do that in a day. I honestly will not give my picture, even my picture, for anyone that I talk to less than a certain amount time. I know that this hurts just as much as if it were a real relationship. But it's time to consider the possibility that it was not. He was probably deceiving you. Very few legitimate doms would take anyone on within a day. Submission is a gift. Only give it to those who actually deserve it. You can and will find someone, but to do it right, to do it safe, you can't rush in. It's too easy to miss the flags that way.
I'd move on, slowly. Try munches or local gathetings. It's easier to weed people out in person. And even if you don't find one, maybe someone there knows one .
I'm sorry for your assault and your ending relationship. But if he doesn't trust you, then even if he was legitimate, it was already doomed.

(in reply to HurtandConfused)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 9:33:22 AM

HurtandConfused

Posts: 14
Joined: 9/6/2014
Status: offline

Thank you for your kind words AnnaOphelia. I knew at the time that being essentially collared after a day was a bit odd even though I have only ever had one Dom before. But In just shrugged my shoulders and thought he was keen. I found it flattering. I'd had my self-esteem totally crushed in my previous relationship and I had started to build that up before I left my ex.

I should also say that I had never given him any reason to doubt or mistrust me so to be accused of that was pretty hurtful.

Looking back I can see that he only ever contacted me during the day and some evenings but he was frequently busy. He largely didn't contact me at weekends except for the very odd message. All our phone conversations were in the day.

It's not looking good is it? :-(

(in reply to AnnaOphelia)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 10:02:32 AM

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

Sorry you got sucked into the "I'm your dom until I get my rocks off" thing. Been there, done that. BURNED the tshirt in a huge vat of the most highly flammable substance I had to hand.

It's a learning curve. You'll get it. :)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to HurtandConfused)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 10:03:25 AM

HurtandConfused

Posts: 14
Joined: 9/6/2014
Status: offline

Thanks Greedy

(in reply to GreedyTop)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 10:08:46 AM

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

(if you need advice on the flammable stuff and the best way to handle it, let me know ;) I *know* people!!! *grin*)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to HurtandConfused)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 10:13:49 AM

HurtandConfused

Posts: 14
Joined: 9/6/2014
Status: offline

Yup, yup, I think I'm going to need that accelerant alright!.

Just checked the message log again - hardly anything weekends and only one or two on some nights. In all over a 1000 individual messages in the month.

Hmmmm.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 10:20:44 AM

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

(if you need advice on the flammable stuff and the best way to handle it, let me know ;) I *know* people!!! *grin*)

Pffftttt... She is the "people".

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to GreedyTop)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 10:24:02 AM

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

dammit, ET, quit harshin' my secret ID!!

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 10:33:34 AM

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

dammit, ET, quit harshin' my secret ID!!

Secret?

wot ever you have to tell yourself, babe.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to GreedyTop)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 10:51:46 AM

Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HurtandConfused

Yup, yup, I think I'm going to need that accelerant alright!.

Just checked the message log again - hardly anything weekends and only one or two on some nights. In all over a 1000 individual messages in the month.

Hmmmm.

You caught it, I think he's married- no contact on nights and weekends. That could be the reason why he's in it till he gets off and runs when you talk about feelings or need him for more than a phone sex partner.

(in reply to HurtandConfused)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 10:53:09 AM

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

quote:

ORIGINAL: HurtandConfused

Yup, yup, I think I'm going to need that accelerant alright!.

Just checked the message log again - hardly anything weekends and only one or two on some nights. In all over a 1000 individual messages in the month.

Hmmmm.

You caught it, I think he's married- no contact on nights and weekends. That could be the reason why he's in it till he gets off and runs when you talk about feelings or need him for more than a phone sex partner.

Nu-uh... He's a secret agent.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to Killerangel)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 11:00:05 AM

HurtandConfused

Posts: 14
Joined: 9/6/2014
Status: offline

Yeah we only had phone sex once and actually really thinking back, the messages were surprisingly free of any type of bondage. He did like orgasm control though. I once outright asked him when we were going to get physical but I was roundly slapped back down.

Is that usual for a Dom?

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 11:00:06 AM

Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

quote:

ORIGINAL: HurtandConfused

Yup, yup, I think I'm going to need that accelerant alright!.

Just checked the message log again - hardly anything weekends and only one or two on some nights. In all over a 1000 individual messages in the month.

Hmmmm.

You caught it, I think he's married- no contact on nights and weekends. That could be the reason why he's in it till he gets off and runs when you talk about feelings or need him for more than a phone sex partner.

Nu-uh... He's a secret agent.

Jus sayin

Lol, could be, because there sure are a lot of those 'secret agents' running around on here.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 11:04:22 AM

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

quote:

ORIGINAL: HurtandConfused

Yup, yup, I think I'm going to need that accelerant alright!.

Just checked the message log again - hardly anything weekends and only one or two on some nights. In all over a 1000 individual messages in the month.

Hmmmm.

You caught it, I think he's married- no contact on nights and weekends. That could be the reason why he's in it till he gets off and runs when you talk about feelings or need him for more than a phone sex partner.

Nu-uh... He's a secret agent.

Jus sayin

Lol, could be, because there sure are a lot of those 'secret agents' running around on here.

I have a decoder ring.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to Killerangel)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 11:14:57 AM

Posts: 69
Joined: 9/2/2014
Status: offline

I wouldn't over analyze it. I think he saw your vulnerability and used you. I don't honestly believe he is a dom. There are a lot of vanilla men who misunderstand the slave/submissive woman. Were easier in the beginning to exploit, our willingness to serve makes us desire able to assholes.
If he were really your dom, yeah it should have come up. But I really wouldn't think about him.

I, and so many others on here, have been through this. Mine, like yours, wAs following a different relationship ending. Everyone's been swept away before. This isn't you, you bring weak, anything to do with your submission. This guy is a douchebag.

To a true dom, a submissive is invaluable. They put a lot of thought and energy into you. You deserve that. You deserve to be with someone who is worthy of you and what you bring to the table. Unfortunately, it's very hard to find online. Online encounters should always be given time, even when it sucks.

Hang in there

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 11:21:45 AM

HurtandConfused

Posts: 14
Joined: 9/6/2014
Status: offline

Thanks Anna. I think that's the thing I'm struggling with. Because of really quite serious stuff from the past - which he knew - I have massive trust issues. I'm not as bothered about the pictures I sent him as opposed to my writings. That hurts, the thought of him asking me to do all thinking, pour out about my stuff, for what? To essentially use me for whatever game he had.

He talked, a lot about trust within the context of TPE. I trusted him.

Its not having resolution that's driving me crazy. But, I will very very probably never know for certain.

It's horrible. I'm never going to let this happen again. But you are right, for the sake of my sanity I need to let this go.

(in reply to AnnaOphelia)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 11:31:29 AM

Posts: 69
Joined: 9/2/2014
Status: offline

I hate to say this, but you are right. You won't . And that's okay. There's never really closure with dishonest people, even when they'll speak to you.

It's just the learning curve. We all do it, we all get through it. You will too. <3

(in reply to HurtandConfused)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 11:39:35 AM

Posts: 658
Joined: 9/4/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HurtandConfused

Its not having resolution that's driving me crazy. But, I will very very probably never know for certain.

I'm never going to let this happen again. But you are right, for the sake of my sanity I need to let this go.

Read these to your self until they become a mantra. The pain that comes from the actions of other people rarely does come with any sort of closure. Take the time you need to cry, curse, break stuff, get drunk, or whatever you have to do in order to mourn the loss instead of letting it fester.

_____________________________

Bill

(in reply to HurtandConfused)

RE: Master abandoned me - 9/6/2014 11:49:32 AM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

This is a fast reply.

I am going to take a bit of a different direction with you, but I do care and I am very sorry for what has happened.

You got used. It happens, especially online. How are you going to make certain it doesn't happen again?

Listen, every decision I rushed into has ended up in disaster. I would take a good hard look at yourself and find out why you kind of rushed into this, falling for someone without seeing the waring signs all around you is problematic. I am sure you are hurt, but you need to find out why it happened and then protect yourself. I always suggest to people to not lead with their hearts but to rather use their heads first. I also suggest to people to examine whether or not they want a relationship with someone or they NEED a relationship with someone. Needing a relationship will cause you to compromise yourself and overlook the red flags staring you right in your face. You will make excuses for the inconsistencies and you will largely ignore what your gut is telling you.

You deserve better. Find that person.

Best of luck to you.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to AnnaOphelia)

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