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RE: hazing new posters - 12/13/2014 9:44:50 PM

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You are reading more into this than is in my words. I said you started a thread that was "colorably" in defense of hazing. This means you were not exactly arguing for "hazing." In your mind you were advocating for a "reality check."

But, I used to read the Ask a Mistress Board quite regularly, and I saw how piling on there took shape. If I had to choose between the piler's on and the OP, I'd choose to defend and advocate for the OP. Often, quite often --- mixed in with the "good, honest advice" was a little "extra" to go with it. That comes with the territory when you don't like another person's kinks, cannot empathize with their position, and see novice elements in their approach.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: hazing new posters - 12/13/2014 10:04:12 PM

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Earlier in the thread, I believe members were wanting this moved to a Feisty section. I expected this thread to at least have some minor explosions and am surprised that it hasn't gone there. I think people are holding back, afraid that they will get gold mail. Gold mail is just that. It may be making you aware of something and it could mean a moderator has had to take some action on the forum, but it shouldn't mean that you are in trouble and a post away from moderation.

Most know when they have really pushed things and a ban is coming. What most don't know is how far they can go before they get a post removed or into trouble. In time, this will change. As we go along, I am trying to help members understand the way things are.

It used to be that you couldn't start a thread on the same topic that already had a thread going. Now with the less moderated sections in Feisty Dialog, members can start a duplicate thread or topic for the more moderated sections and Feisty. I cannot move this thread to Feisty, but you all are free to start another thread so that your conversation/debate can be more lively.

In this thread, you still have relaxed moderation as this is forum-wide. Please, relax. If you have a question on what is allowed, shoot off an email to me and I can try to assist.

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RE: hazing new posters - 12/13/2014 10:25:24 PM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant
...but they will take the time to help someone with an honest question about something.

Or just call that person stupid instead of explaining their position. One or the other, depending on who's the poster.

Yeah, that might happen...depending on who responds to the REASONABLE question. ~shrugs~ I'm going to go with the idea that we all have our own views of reasonable.

As I said and you pointed out, there's a magic land where every kink is accepted and arms are always welcoming and accepting. Perhaps you should be here to oversee the threads and each time someone new comes in and gets cyber-bullied, you can direct their wounded self to that magic land.

(in reply to GotSteel)

RE: hazing new posters - 12/14/2014 5:16:44 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: stef
Why is he stupid? He's right, at least in regard to temporary sewing being regarded as play piercing.

That is my understanding.

Now I freely admit that I'm not experienced in this fetish so I could be getting something wrong here but that would be inexperience not stupidity wouldn't it?

(in reply to stef)

RE: hazing new posters - 12/14/2014 9:21:09 AM

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http://www.collarchat.com/m_4759555/tm.htm

I was the first poster. While perhaps a teensy bit abrasive (as I am likely to do if I find you a sexist ageist), my post was not really a "hazing".

(in reply to GotSteel)

RE: hazing new posters - 12/14/2014 9:32:07 AM

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FR (although not entirely unrelated to shifty's post)

I happen to think the "hazing" accusations are pretty overstated.

As with any public forum, people are likely to get a mixed response, but by and large I feel that people generally get the response they deserve.

Quite recently, someone posted to make a slightly earnest, and pretty naive comment about young people joining the other side. He got a frank response from shifty, and then replied in an infantile and pissy way.

Honestly... part of me wants to say "haze the fucker", maybe he'll learn some manners.

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RE: hazing new posters - 12/14/2014 9:36:21 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel

quote:

ORIGINAL: RockaRolla
Strangle fucking (for example) is no SSC, and pointing this out to a defensive user is not hazing.

No, not in and of itself. I'd furthermore say that it's important to point out to previously uninformed "users". However, we've classically had a culture where that informing can easily get mixed with hazing, cyber bullying or bigotry.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RockaRolla
Nor is it calling that kink wrong.

No that wouldn't constitute hazing unless of course it involves different standards for new users.

I'd argue there's more of a culture around here of these actions being confused with hazing, and the recipient of this information getting defensive, than the information turning into cyberbullying.

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RE: hazing new posters - 12/14/2014 9:48:17 AM

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Here is an example of what I was talking about:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_2895205/mpage_3436/key_/tm.htm#4753417

Person A relates an experience in which breathplay led to seizures as if this was a positive experience. Person B warns this is a very bad thing and A should be cautious. A gets pissed off because breathplay is SSC, and B is just being ignorant.

Was there hazing going on? Cyberbullying? No, but A certainly felt under attack because by God, how dare someone tell me to be careful about my kink!

In addition, I've been slammed in the past for advocating simple things like negotiation before power exchange relationships are established. Apparently that's how I force my beliefs on submissives.

When it comes to safety warnings/advice in this forum you can't win. As much as you'd want to tell someone sometimes that hey, this isn't safe, you're often going to get a pissed-off response about being kink negative or intolerant.

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RE: hazing new posters - 12/14/2014 9:56:06 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

Hardships are many and spread wide across the spectrum, but those living in plenty (have a partner, having their kinks fulfilled, etc.) don't help by offering advice that inherently blames a struggling, lonely, unfulfilled, inexperienced person for their situation.

Are you saying it's the dommes' fault for not loving these guys enough?

Oftentimes it IS the struggling, etc person to blame for their situation. Their approach may be off. If you start messaging every domme who may or may not be nearby asking "Are you looking for a ____?" you're doing it wrong. If you lead with a fetish list that reads like bad porn, or any porn, or any list at all, you're doing it wrong. If the kink you want fulfilled is based from porn and you haven't worked it into your real world situation (I wanna run away and be a housemaid for a rubber-clad domme!), you're doing it wrong. If your search is limited to online and you've given no thought to the local community, you're probably doing it wrong. If you give up and start bitching, you're doing it wrong. If it's all about you, you're doing it wrong.

Get the idea? Because most of the guys who make the posts you want to defend fall into one of these categories. Pointing out that there's not a flaw in the women being fake, but your approach, isn't "blaming" anyone.

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RE: hazing new posters - 12/14/2014 10:02:41 AM

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FR

I haven't responded to this thread to date because, frankly, I don't know what to think. My first - and prevailing - thought regarding this subject is that the people on this site are ruder than I'd come to expect from other forums. On the other hand, I've come to learn over the years that I've been here that people can be persistently stupid and in an aggravating way in the context of D/s relationships, especially. In particular, all the problems between men and women in regards to their separate wants and requirements in relationships are magnified, greatly, when it comes to D/s and BDSM relationships.

I wish that people here would be more polite. In particular I could do without seeing "snark" that is rarely, if ever, as sharp and funny as the writer thinks it is. On the other hand, I do wish people, and newbies especially, would strive to be just a little less frigging cretinous, at times. In general I'd say to both sides: D/s and BDSM is *still* pioneering territory. Put your wisdom into it, whatever level you've reached in that particular virtue.

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RE: hazing new posters - 12/14/2014 10:05:17 AM

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To the dismay of some, but hopefully the pleasure of others, we have less moderation than at other times and adults may speak as adults do. We don't want to over regulate how members participate on the forum and don't care to stalk the threads looking for bad boys and girls. This is an adult site and we expect adults and if they are unable to gather with other adults without damage, then it might be best to try to find a place where they would fair better.

The 'everyone must be nice or politically correct' leads to over-moderation and a lot of unhappy people. This places some adults in a position of trying to control other adults in a manner not in keeping with what this site is about. Adults being adults.

We have provided areas with more guidelines and then some with as few as we could see it working with. If new members will take a look around before they dive in, they may find a place on the forums they would be most comfortable. Expecting all members to act a certain way is not going to happen and just as in anything else, I cannot allow them to be harassed because of how they wish to post if it is within Terms of Service, guidelines and the desires of the Administrative Team.

For many years this forum has worked in various ways and at its busiest, there were many thousands on the forum at any given hour. Just as in the thread that was linked here in this thread, you can see that there wasn't a rule or expectation that everyone would be kind, helpful and polite. Each member may determine within the structure of the site/forum, how they wish to conduct themselves and that is their choice.

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RE: hazing new posters - 12/14/2014 10:55:23 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

Hardships are many and spread wide across the spectrum, but those living in plenty (have a partner, having their kinks fulfilled, etc.) don't help by offering advice that inherently blames a struggling, lonely, unfulfilled, inexperienced person for their situation.

I don't blame. I do offer responsibility. Do you accept that, or is that too much to ask?

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RE: hazing new posters - 12/14/2014 11:05:15 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

Hardships are many and spread wide across the spectrum, but those living in plenty (have a partner, having their kinks fulfilled, etc.) don't help by offering advice that inherently blames a struggling, lonely, unfulfilled, inexperienced person for their situation.

I think that by virtue of having so many people on a site, responses will vary markedly.

And, it's unreasonable to think that in a 6 page thread every post is going to provide an answer that will help the OP.

I'd add that there clearly is something not working for said individual with an 'unfulfilled life' chasing something different.

So, perhaps tough love is the best medicine, and should be swallowed whole in order to move forward.

I for one think there is some really good advice given on this site by people who want to share their positive experiences.

I'm willing to lay money that you could post any thread on this board from a poster asking for advice, and at least a couple of the responses will have been useful. And, it's free, where's the problem?

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RE: hazing new posters - 12/14/2014 1:10:47 PM

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I think that people are inherently lazy, stupid and conservative, NG. This leads them to believe that they can be, for instance, extremely kinky, while at the same time be stuffed up and basically pretty damned brainless in all other areas. They would very much like, for instance, to have a woman dump in their mouth, while at the same time carry on looking down on people for being poor, black, lesbian, or whatever else that they've spent all their lives sneering at.

With most people who turn up here with some wacky kink, for instance, I think, 'Look, you moron, you have utterly far-out desires. What makes you think that other people will react towards you in ordinary, non-far-out ways? I get that you are not used to being a minority who has had crap thrown at you all his life just because of that fact. Now, however, you've revealed yourself as a minority. Get used to it. People aren't going to treat you in an ordinary way, here. This is the ordinary suffering that minorities just have to deal with from the smug majority, of which you once thought you were one.'

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RE: hazing new posters - 12/14/2014 2:06:37 PM

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Absolutely. We also all need a good trainwreck every now and then for entertainment.

I just love it, however, when someone is being mean and critical --- but think of themselves being helpful instead.

There is another sort of truism in play -- someone not getting good results is often an agent in those outcomes.

(in reply to NorthernGent)

RE: hazing new posters - 12/14/2014 2:16:57 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

There is another sort of truism in play -- someone not getting good results is often an agent in those outcomes.

Cloudboy,

It's easy to argue against that, though, given we all have fairly similar opportunities.

I'd have thought anyone, of any persuasion, with intelligence and manners will do very well in life.

It doesn't take much to have these things: picking up a couple of books usually does the trick.

I'd ask: there are so many people on this site with different tastes and aspirations, how can someone not reap rewards?

< Message edited by NorthernGent -- 12/14/2014 2:17:48 PM >

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RE: hazing new posters - 12/14/2014 2:39:59 PM

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Speaking of uncalled for cyber bullying...I just got a message from a Domly Dom that was calling me pathetic and had a generic inappropriate demand to bend over his knee and receive a spanking, or something silly like that. I said nothing and blocked him.

Maybe 10 minutes later I get a message from a Mistress [removed a members name, please do not put it back, it may be a different dom, but it is a members name.] messaging me from a Dom/Domme couple profile. That message was to the tune of, "Lemme tell ya sumthin here, your profile is poo and you ain't foolin no one. Knock off the pretentiousness and maybe you'll get some attention cuz the way you're doin things right now is RLLY UNEAPPEALING TOOTS."

Never in my few years on this site (under this or a previous username) have I had a member seemingly go get their partner to send me a poorly worded, barely legible message trying to bully me into changing my profile because she didn't like the tone of it.

WTF is wrong with people? I feel sorry for women who are this insecure with themselves that they go target other random women on the internet to boss around. Go worry about yourself, silly broad.

Edit: Sorry, NorthernGent, didn't mean to specifically reply to your last post and that message wasn't targeted at you. Not sure why it did that.

< Message edited by Moderator3 -- 12/14/2014 3:03:14 PM >

(in reply to NorthernGent)

RE: hazing new posters - 12/14/2014 2:52:33 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ReinRaus

Speaking of uncalled for cyber bullying...I just got a message from a Domly Dom that was calling me pathetic and had a generic inappropriate demand to bend over his knee and receive a spanking, or something silly like that. I said nothing and blocked him.

Maybe 10 minutes later I get a message from a Mistress [removed a members name] messaging me from a Dom/Domme couple profile. That message was to the tune of, "Lemme tell ya sumthin here, your profile is poo and you ain't foolin no one. Knock off the pretentiousness and maybe you'll get some attention cuz the way you're doin things right now is RLLY UNEAPPEALING TOOTS."

Never in my few years on this site (under this or a previous username) have I had a member seemingly go get their partner to send me a poorly worded, barely legible message trying to bully me into changing my profile because she didn't like the tone of it.

WTF is wrong with people? I feel sorry for women who are this insecure with themselves that they go target other random women on the internet to boss around. Go worry about yourself, silly broad.

Edit: Sorry, NorthernGent, didn't mean to specifically reply to your last post and that message wasn't targeted at you. Not sure why it did that.

More likely it was the same guy posting under a sock. Not unheard of for guys to pose as a couple looking for a third when the other half doesn't actually exist.

< Message edited by Moderator3 -- 12/14/2014 3:03:49 PM >

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RE: hazing new posters - 12/14/2014 3:00:34 PM

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I'm kinda leaning toward that likelihood as well, Rocka. Scrolling through his/her profile looked like it was full of fantasy bait describing how the last string of women he/she sized up weren't "worthy" of being their submissives. If I rolled my eyes any harder, they would've popped out of my head.

Half of me doesn't give a hoot, and the other half feels a genuine sadness for people who troll on this site to spread negativity. But at the same time, the rest of us have the responsibility not to contribute to the hostility. I'm speaking in the context of private correspondences AND the message board, sometimes it's better to move on unless you feel like you have something constructive to say.

IMO, advice and replies don't have to be sugar coated and it's understandable some posters on here are tired of reading the same questions/complaints from noobs, but being mean for the sake of being mean is such a drag.

Thanks for the snip, M3. I forgot there's probably like 30 Mistress [insert name] active at any moment.

< Message edited by ReinRaus -- 12/14/2014 3:08:47 PM >

(in reply to RockaRolla)

RE: hazing new posters - 12/14/2014 3:08:17 PM

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Thank you ReinRaus, you just reminded me of something.

I do hope that I don't see someone upset with a member for starting a topic they feel is tired. The fat or findom threads aside. (LOL)

If members are tired of a topic, they don't have to read or respond to the topic. It really is as simple as that.

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