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RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/2/2015 7:07:53 AM   
GotSteel


Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticSkull2
Thanks everyone for your help. I appreciate those who commented with constructive, intelligent thoughts.


Good luck going forward, hopefully you've learned not to take advice from strangers on the internet.

(in reply to CelticSkull2)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/2/2015 7:41:29 AM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline 		DaddySatyr gave really amazing advice. I was going to reply to Exiled, "yes but there's a first time for everything" but he summed it up more beautifully than I ever could.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to GotSteel)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/2/2015 7:55:29 AM   
Bhruic


Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticSkull2

We have been together roughly 3 1/2 months. Overall, he is great. He lied about something very small. It wasn't a big deal at all and I am not angry at the actual thing he lied about. I could seriously care less. He lied because he didnt want me to feel left out and my feelings get hurt. I get that. My point is, he lied and it was intentional- after promising me he would always be honest with me. Now, whenever he asks me, "Has Daddy ever broken a promise to you?" I will have to answer YES. Its devestating.



Hmmm... I wondering about the nature of the "lie". There are, and always will be, little white lies we tell the ones we love because we love them.

You seem to recognize that was the reason for the "lie"... so grow up and get over it. Stop being such an inflexible drama queen.

And if you don't want to do that, and the relationship is ruined, recognize that that was YOUR choice.

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pronounced "VROOick"

(in reply to CelticSkull2)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/2/2015 10:03:49 AM   
Bhruic


Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline 		For some reason I can't edit now... I didn't mean that to come out quite as harsh as it sounded.

@Daddysatyr... Good advice. But in this case, according to her, the lie was not of the sort you exampled, but one to spare her feelings, and one she admits was trivial and does not bother her in itself.

No one practices absolute honesty, nor could they maintain a relationship, or even any friendships, if they did... Have you seen "The invention of lying"? Its a funny demonstration of what life would be like with absolute honesty.

< Message edited by Bhruic -- 1/2/2015 10:22:19 AM >

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RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/2/2015 11:38:33 AM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticSkull2

I have been thrown into a situation where I recently discovered my Master lied to me. It wasn’t about anything huge or horrible or anything like that (in fact if he had just told me straight up, I would have been fine with it- it really wasn’t a big deal)


quote:

I don’t feel like the issue is resolved, so I NEED to talk about it.


Well, YOUR OWN TAKE is that you're over-reacting to something that isn't actually important.

MY TAKE is that you aren't asking for advice, but rather you're complaining publicly about this thing you're characterized as unimportant.

Take it from there.

(in reply to CelticSkull2)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/3/2015 9:31:10 AM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline 		Ultimately, it doesn't really matter what the lie is - what matters is the emotional pain it has caused you. It might be the smallest, most insignificant thing in the world, but if it hurts and it stops you from trusting, then it has to be dealt with, regardless of what caused it.

I am not a big fan of suppressing my own emotional responses. I'm old enough and experienced enough to give my gut instinct some credit - I've lost count of the number of times I ignored red flags and continued in relationships that hurt my feelings even worse later down the line. What does your gut instinct say? What evidence do you have that your gut instinct isn't correct?

Give yourself some credit - if it hurts then that's because it was hurtful, not because you're over-reacting. He is downplaying it now because he downplayed it earlier and he will downplay it the next time it happens. It's not a co-incidence that he lied to you about it and now doesn't want to talk about it, they are both symptoms of his lack of concern. He doesn't regard it as important, regardless of your feelings and your lack of trust. Because he doesn't regard it as important it will happen again, your hurt will happen again, he will under react again. You can't change him, and you can't even change yourself, but you can choose whether you stay in a relationship where something incredibly hurtful has already happened to you and will most likely happen again. Do you want it to?

Another viewpoint is to imagine yourself as the perpetrator. Imagine you did what he did. Imagine you reacted as he reacted. Imagine you are now saying what he is now saying. What would your viewpoint have to be in order for you to act like that? Often, when we think of acting in the way we have seen someone else react, it shocks us to consider ourselves doing it. Would you ever lie to him and, if you did, would you respond to his hurt feelings by saying that you are tired of talking about it? What would you have to feel for him in order to act like that?

Relationships are not ultimately about lies or trust or communication - they are about happiness. You are clearly not happy. Acknowledge it and act on it, don't brush your own unhappiness under the carpet for the sake of staying with him.

I personally found some of the replies to your post shockingly unnecessary and offensive and I was surprised that they were not moderated. If people do not wish to give advice or at least sympathy, then why on earth are they posting? I think some people get their jollies from a kind of emotional sadism - kicking someone when they're down. I hope you can ignore them as there are many interesting, intelligent, thoughtful people posting here and it would be a shame to let the haters drown them out.

Good luck!


(in reply to CelticSkull2)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/3/2015 10:23:33 AM   
LiveSpark


Posts: 808
Joined: 12/25/2014
Status: offline 		I disagree, there are enough big huge things in life to get upset about. Better to let the small stuff go and move on than to live life getting THAT upset over what the OP admits was a small lie told to protect her. I simply can't imagine letting such small stuff have that big an impact, life would simply be too stressful. Perhaps it would be more beneficial to learn to let the small stuff go.

_____________________________

I've been here as MontrealPhoenix, zephyr and
TheFireWithinMe.

I also have the sarcasm gene which is NOT to be taken seriously.

If you fall I'll always be there to catch you ~ Floor

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/3/2015 10:33:52 AM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

I disagree, there are enough big huge things in life to get upset about. Better to let the small stuff go and move on than to live life getting THAT upset over what the OP admits was a small lie told to protect her. I simply can't imagine letting such small stuff have that big an impact, life would simply be too stressful. Perhaps it would be more beneficial to learn to let the small stuff go.


That's fine and those are your feelings. But that doesn't diminish her own. orgasmdenial12 gave her better advice than I ever could, especially reversing roles and appropriate emotional responses. In fact I learned from it myself. Any sub would want to know you can trust this person to not tell you "get over it" in regards to violating a hard limit. To put this into another context involving "trust".
When my father died I didn't reach out to anyone, I got over it on my own. Now if for someone else, their way of handling grief, no matter how small it might seem to me, is to lament for days, weeks and maybe months, or even require medical treatment, I would at least try to be empathetic to them.I might fail but I often do try. I wouldn't say "oh it's just your cat, my father died and I don't write sob stories about it." Everyone's sensitivity levels are different. Sometimes the way people react to certain things are alien and even ri-fucking-diculous to me but I place myself in a situation where I would have a similar emotional response or try to understand that what might not be the end of the world for me can be devastating to someone else.
I agree his dismissive nature is the most alarming part of all of this. Especially as her protector.

< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 1/3/2015 10:35:36 AM >

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to LiveSpark)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/3/2015 10:40:12 AM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		The OP herself indicated this was NOT an important matter, not even to her.

(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/3/2015 10:40:57 AM   
LiveSpark


Posts: 808
Joined: 12/25/2014
Status: offline 		I'm not diminishing her feelings I'm just trying to suggest that she learn to not get so upset over the small stuff. I used to be like her, getting upset over EVERYTHING. Life was incredibly stressful until I learned to just let the small stuff go. Of course she's entitled to feel the way she does, I just wanted to offer advice on how to have a more pleasant, less stressful life.

_____________________________

I've been here as MontrealPhoenix, zephyr and
TheFireWithinMe.

I also have the sarcasm gene which is NOT to be taken seriously.

If you fall I'll always be there to catch you ~ Floor

(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/3/2015 11:46:48 AM   
wickkeddesire


Posts: 37
Joined: 1/3/2015
Status: offline 		This thing of ours is very different than your standard boyfriend/ girlfriend arrangement. As we all know, it’s deeper and much more intimate and personal. So when something goes wrong, its affects us much more- on a deeper level. I have no idea why you would say that - I expect that from bad stereotypes and no others, often most married and talking pants to another as there partner slumbers, unaware.

A Master is supposed to take care of his submissive - No he is not. Not in the way you infer, or many others think by others some of you will know what I mean by that word choice.

My, you filled me with much mirth (the stereotype bit i am not we)

But prey/pray tell us, or me?
What was the lie

(in reply to CelticSkull2)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/6/2015 4:43:11 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic
No one practices absolute honesty, nor could they maintain a relationship, or even any friendships, if they did...

I do!
I do not, under any circumstances, willfully lie - not even those 'little white lies'.
And yes, it often gets me into trouble.
I even lost a job through being scrupulously honest.



_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”
George Orwell, 1903-1950


(in reply to Bhruic)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/6/2015 4:54:44 AM   
LiveSpark


Posts: 808
Joined: 12/25/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wickkeddesire

This thing of ours is very different than your standard boyfriend/ girlfriend arrangement. As we all know, it’s deeper and much more intimate and personal. So when something goes wrong, its affects us much more- on a deeper level. I have no idea why you would say that - I expect that from bad stereotypes and no others, often most married and talking pants to another as there partner slumbers, unaware.

A Master is supposed to take care of his submissive - No he is not. Not in the way you infer, or many others think by others some of you will know what I mean by that word choice.

My, you filled me with much mirth (the stereotype bit i am not we)

But prey/pray tell us, or me?
What was the lie


Sorry wikked but I can testify to the first part of what you're quoting. When my last two relationships with D-types ended it hurt worse than when any vanilla relationship ended. When I started in BDSM I thought there wouldn't be such a strong connection, I expected in fact not to fall in love. I was very very wrong. I didn't expect the depth of the connection and took me by surprise,. So this is the one part of her story I absolutely believe.


_____________________________

I've been here as MontrealPhoenix, zephyr and
TheFireWithinMe.

I also have the sarcasm gene which is NOT to be taken seriously.

If you fall I'll always be there to catch you ~ Floor

(in reply to wickkeddesire)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/6/2015 5:49:20 AM   
satanscharmer


Posts: 376
Status: offline 		FR

First, I don't believe that a D/s or M/s relationship necessarily equates to deeper feelings. As an individual, it may be true solely for the fact one has a deeper connection with their partner - that specific person. More in common, more feelings, deeper connection. It's possible to have a D/s relationship without a deep connection, just as it is possible for someone to have a vanilla relationship with a deep connection. Anyway, that's my take on that matter.

Secondly, no one can really give advice on how one can or should feel. OP, if you're devastated and feel as though you cannot trust him again then that's your answer.

I will tell you, I am an Aquarius as well. I am very cautious in trusting others, not sure why exactly. However, I have been lied to in my current relationship before. Not a petty, white lie. An extremely large lie that most would find inexcusable and unforgivable. I forgave it and him. My first reaction was the same as yours, that I could not forgive him, it simply was not in my nature. I let go of my stubbornness and asked the right questions of myself. Could I forgive him, yes. Will I forget, no. Can I live with that, maybe. Is it worth the try, yes.

Trust is very much like a tree. It grows, often slowly, but can be devastated very quickly. With careful nurturing, it's possible it'll grow back but it is dependent on both of the nurturers. My forgiveness wouldn't have been possible without his patience and understanding - he could not and did not rush the re-growth. I had to be truly open to forgiving. I had to let go of the fear of repeat actions and first trust that we learned from it.
We both learned from it.

I would think, if you do forgive him, discussing what lies may or may not be forgiven may be beneficial. It's in many people's nature to tell little lies from time-to-time. It's not a part I enjoy about others, but if my best interest was considered then I'll take the bad with the good. Personally, if I ask him if a pair of jeans are flattering on me I want an absolute honest answer. But, if his nature will not allow him due to fear of offending, then I have to ask myself if I can accept that in a partner.

(in reply to LiveSpark)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/6/2015 6:20:47 AM   
GotSteel


Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1
I do not, under any circumstances, willfully lie - not even those 'little white lies'.
And yes, it often gets me into trouble.


"Do these pants make my ass look big?"

"It's not the pants dear."

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/6/2015 10:25:50 AM   
stef


Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1


quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic
No one practices absolute honesty, nor could they maintain a relationship, or even any friendships, if they did...

I do!
I do not, under any circumstances, willfully lie - not even those 'little white lies'.

Oh really?

_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/6/2015 11:22:58 AM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel


quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1
I do not, under any circumstances, willfully lie - not even those 'little white lies'.
And yes, it often gets me into trouble.


"Do these pants make my ass look big?"

"It's not the pants dear."


Or an even nicer way of saying it is "there are other pants that are much more flattering to your figure".

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


(in reply to GotSteel)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/6/2015 4:37:37 PM   
Moderator3


Posts: 3289
Status: offline 		Due to some clean up on this thread, I might have put this back in the wrong place. Since Mod3 has a migraine, I am not going to ask her to help change this if I put it in the wrong spot. Deal with it.

Mod3's evil clone

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RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/6/2015 5:03:43 PM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline 		Ummm... which day does Mod 3's fluffy luvy clone stop by?

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To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

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Profile   Post #: 79
RE: My Master Lied to Me - 1/6/2015 5:06:39 PM   
MissToYouRedux


Posts: 867
Joined: 1/23/2010
Status: offline 		In my world, a migraine is an excuse for *everything*. Hope she feels better soon.

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Profile   Post #: 80
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