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"Control" your life - 6/1/2015 6:54:48 AM

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This morning I was surfing around Fet and I saw someone had on their fetish list "Can't control your life? yer not a Dom"

Now.....I understand how someone can have self-control, and I understand how someone can have control over another person, an animal or even an object like a car (or whip!).... but how does one have control over life when we all know that "shit happens" that no one has any control over? Is it truly possible to control your life, or is this concept just an illusion?

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RE: "Control" your life - 6/1/2015 7:33:53 AM

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I've always thought of it not as control over everything (because no one has that), but rather, what one does when that "shit happens". Does this person have the ability to deal with those things that they can't control? Does this person have their life in order enough to be able to deal with things that are not planned?

In terms of having control over others, I don't believe that's possible. Perhaps to a certain extent-- but to be able to have complete control over other's reactions to things? Their emotions? Nah.

It's a simple thing, but something that spoke volumes to me. Early on, my partner's dog messed in the house. Shit definitely does happen at times.

His reaction was to put her outside and clean up the mess. He didn't get angry or throw a fit about it. To me, that's *control*.

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RE: "Control" your life - 6/1/2015 8:14:28 AM

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The way I see it, having control over your life doesn't mean bad shit isn't going to happen. It's life, that's what life does.

The control aspect comes into play in how we deal with problems that come up. If you can handle problems, you probably have your shit together. But I see a lot of guys, especially on Fet, who go into groups complaining about how much their life sucks and they can't get a girl because of all the hardships they've had in the dating world, and they've been with 50-odd women who all shit on them, and why is it so hard to find a good woman to take care of me and I can spoil, blah blah blah. Usually they're of the younger crowd, and I get the impression they either got too used to Mommy spoiling them or never had that experience and feel they're entitled to it.

THAT'S what I think of in regards to "having control of your life."

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RE: "Control" your life - 6/1/2015 8:25:52 AM

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Agreed with littleladybug and RockaRolla.

It's not about having the best car or the largest bank account... it's about handling what's thrown at me with a sense of grace and responsibility, and NOT blaming others for how my life goes. Taking responsibility for myself allows me to take responsibility for others.

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RE: "Control" your life - 6/1/2015 9:20:46 AM

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There's a couple of things I used to try to explain to 'nilla people:

1) Why I don't get drunk

2) What my vision of dominance is

They were always both the same answer:

I like to be as in control of myself and my surroundings as I can be.

In the first instance, I can't control some idiot drunk next to me deciding that I look like I need an ass-whoopin' but I can control how sober/able to defend myself I am.

The second instance is a bit more complicated ... but not much.

I can't control what life throws at me but I can be "sober" enough to handle whatever comes my way in the best way possible. That means I have to do quite a lot of things: I have to be confident in my decision-making ability. I have to be grounded enough to not let anger get in my way. There's lots of things.

When my son was killed, my rules went out the window for about a month. With the exception of his wake and funeral, I spent the entire month, essentially, drunk. Not my finest hour. I let myself down.

For that month, I was not dominant. My anger was out of control in that it was seething inside of me. I maintained a veneer for the outside world but inside I was ready to pounce on anything or anyone that crossed me in the least little way.

Life cannot be controlled but we can make sure that we are as mentally and physically ready for what comes our way as we possibly can be.

That's where "control" is for me.

Michael

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RE: "Control" your life - 6/1/2015 10:23:46 AM

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I agree with the person quoted. It's really not that hard to have a settled, well-organised life and, if a person does find it that hard to control their own life, why on earth would any submissive want to let them wreck another life too?

I have occasionally spoken to 'Doms' whose lives were absolute train wrecks - no job, no social skills, home looked like a rubbish tip, couldn't even seem to master the basics of staying clean and tidy, or looking after any pets they owned. Whenever they spoke about exes, they had clearly mismanaged the relationship right from the start, had completely unreasonable expectations of the other party and then totally blamed them for any break up. They never showed an ounce of taking responsibility for anything that had happened. Yet they fully seemed to believe they had the right to 'control' someone else. What a joke!

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RE: "Control" your life - 6/1/2015 11:21:35 AM

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Control is an illusion based on how limited your awareness is. You cannot control life, you can only limit your focus to that part of life under you that is not chaos and dwell in the illusion of control.

I "feel" I lead a controlled life because I do not try to control the things I cannot or take more effort than I care to expend. That is a personal choice that brings me tranquility. I am aware of the chaos in life for my city, this world, this solar system, our galaxy and beyond. One day I will probably die, our country may go to war and we get bombed, we may get hit by an asteroid and an extinction level event will end all human life in our world. No amount of money, control, discipline or personal preparation can stave off these things. We have no little or control over them and all the other less drastic things around us.

I understand discipline of self and otherwise. But chaos and disorder are everywhere so I limit my efforts of control to that which is under my roof and in my business. I do not have the delusion I control much beyond that. I am glad I am not the president of this country or I would have to spank everyone . . . and that would take a really long time.

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RE: "Control" your life - 6/1/2015 7:09:50 PM

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I agree a Dom having control over his life is about controlling his reaction to shit and how he deals with shit that happens in life. IMO......that doesn't mean that when a Dom is having to deal with something that he doesn't need or want support from his sub.

I don't believe that having control over one's life is for Dom's only and subs don't hold any responsibility for having control over shit that life throws their way. I'm a submissive but I still have control over my life meaning I deal rationally to shit that happens in my life, I don't panic, I don't freak out, I deal with it. I don't need nor do I want my Dom to take over for me when there's something I'm dealing with and there are times when it's something only I can deal with, he has no power over it. Right now I'm dealing with a very difficult situation and have been for the past year. I look to him for support and encouragement but not to take control over what I need to deal with.

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RE: "Control" your life - 6/2/2015 10:43:17 AM

Cell

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetieDA

I agree with the person quoted. It's really not that hard to have a settled, well-organised life and, if a person does find it that hard to control their own life, why on earth would any submissive want to let them wreck another life too?

I have occasionally spoken to 'Doms' whose lives were absolute train wrecks - no job, no social skills, home looked like a rubbish tip, couldn't even seem to master the basics of staying clean and tidy, or looking after any pets they owned. Whenever they spoke about exes, they had clearly mismanaged the relationship right from the start, had completely unreasonable expectations of the other party and then totally blamed them for any break up. They never showed an ounce of taking responsibility for anything that had happened. Yet they fully seemed to believe they had the right to 'control' someone else. What a joke!

I think this sums it up nicely.

No need for you guys to go philosophical about the nature of control. I'm sure the fet comment in question was referring to having one's shit in order.

(in reply to sweetieDA)

RE: "Control" your life - 6/2/2015 12:36:27 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

This morning I was surfing around Fet and I saw someone had on their fetish list "Can't control your life? yer not a Dom"

Now.....I understand how someone can have self-control, and I understand how someone can have control over another person, an animal or even an object like a car (or whip!).... but how does one have control over life when we all know that "shit happens" that no one has any control over? Is it truly possible to control your life, or is this concept just an illusion?

Self control is not defined by what happens to you but how you handle what happens to you. Take for example how an Alpha handles life's downs and ups. He or she controls their reactions to these events rather than the event controling their reaction.

< Message edited by Arturas -- 6/2/2015 12:37:37 PM >

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RE: "Control" your life - 6/2/2015 7:39:58 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetieDA

I agree with the person quoted. It's really not that hard to have a settled, well-organised life and, if a person does find it that hard to control their own life, why on earth would any submissive want to let them wreck another life too?

I have occasionally spoken to 'Doms' whose lives were absolute train wrecks - no job, no social skills, home looked like a rubbish tip, couldn't even seem to master the basics of staying clean and tidy, or looking after any pets they owned. Whenever they spoke about exes, they had clearly mismanaged the relationship right from the start, had completely unreasonable expectations of the other party and then totally blamed them for any break up. They never showed an ounce of taking responsibility for anything that had happened. Yet they fully seemed to believe they had the right to 'control' someone else. What a joke!

My thoughts exactly. When I read the OP, the thing that popped into my mind was an email I received from a guy on here a few weeks ago. He told me that he was starting a job in my area on Monday (this was a Friday) and asked me if I needed a roommate or a live-in dom. WTF? You have no place to live but you think you can be my dom? And running into men like that has become all too common.

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RE: "Control" your life - 6/2/2015 10:58:03 PM

WellShinedBoots

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quote:

"Can't control your life? yer not a Dom"

I cringe a bit when I see this type of comment. If it ended with "you can't be my Dom" or maybe even "you're probably not a good Dom" I would be fine.

How someone takes care of themselves and their affairs certainly can be a good indicator of how they will perform as a dominant. This isn't however the same as being a dominant. The flip of this statement would be something like "You can't handle what life dishes out? yer not a sub." Being able to handle your life is a very good quality, but it's a good quality for a person in general, not really a defining aspect of your desires in a relationship.

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RE: "Control" your life - 6/2/2015 11:49:12 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WellShinedBoots
How someone takes care of themselves and their affairs certainly can be a good indicator of how they will perform as a dominant. This isn't however the same as being a dominant. The flip of this statement would be something like "You can't handle what life dishes out? yer not a sub." Being able to handle your life is a very good quality, but it's a good quality for a person in general, not really a defining aspect of your desires in a relationship.

I suppose it depends on what is generally understood by 'being a Dom'. If it is solely the desire to be sexually dominant / dominant in bed then sure, I agree with you. My understanding of a Dom is someone who is good at controlling, organising, planning, managing outside of the bedroom as well. So if they can't display those skills in their own life, I would consider it fairly impossible that they maintain those skills when dealing with my submission.

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RE: "Control" your life - 6/3/2015 9:06:35 AM

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Ideals are wonderful, but I'm human and I have flaws. I get frustrated and angry and I might act out in it, when I normally don't. My life is balanced, but I do and can become less wonderful. Expecting perfection is unrealistic in my life. I'm flawed in some way, but I am a woman, dominant, friend and person and some think I'm wonderful, even if I might blow from time to time.

I can make plans for life, but it has other plans. I make the best of it, but I might cry and want to stomp my feet. I might lay down and take a time out for a couple days. I might get right to it and handle it. It all depends. I tend to do the right thing, but I may have a reaction and I can guarantee I will at some point.

Dominant doesn't mean perfect and when it does, I would expect it to also mean, anal. Flow with life, expect it all with good and bad and be as smart and balanced as you can be, while gaining the respect of those around you can be a part of dominance, but I would expect a submissive to be the same.

Mia

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RE: "Control" your life - 6/16/2015 6:52:44 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

This morning I was surfing around Fet and I saw someone had on their fetish list "Can't control your life? yer not a Dom"

Now.....I understand how someone can have self-control, and I understand how someone can have control over another person, an animal or even an object like a car (or whip!).... but how does one have control over life when we all know that "shit happens" that no one has any control over? Is it truly possible to control your life, or is this concept just an illusion?

I would have thought he was talking about controlling the things that you have within your power to control.

My personal opinion is that our minds have control over very little, because we're shaped by our environment to such an extent.

But, there are still things we can get to grips with.

We can only control what we think to a certain extent, because that's shaped by the people around you, your geography and your country's history. But, we can manage anxiety, for example. An inescapable human trait, but some do better than others of keeping on top of it.

< Message edited by NorthernGent -- 6/16/2015 6:53:37 AM >

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RE: "Control" your life - 6/16/2015 2:24:25 PM

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I think that the phrasing perhaps means controlling external influences to the extent of not letting them swamp. Which of course, can and does happen with even the most careful planning and number of precautions taken.

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RE: "Control" your life - 7/25/2015 2:56:41 PM

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The notion that you have to be totally in control of your own life in order to "Control" someone else's is complete bunkum.
The Dom /Sub, Top/Bottom, Kinkster/Kinkster dynamic relies on a tacit agreement.
That relationship either works or not and is totally independent of any consideration outwith the needs and requirements of the two persons involved.
All this supercilious finger waving is Horse Shit and just another tedious "lesson" from the know all's on here.

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RE: "Control" your life - 7/26/2015 1:27:53 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Throstle

The notion that you have to be totally in control of your own life in order to "Control" someone else's is complete bunkum.
The Dom /Sub, Top/Bottom, Kinkster/Kinkster dynamic relies on a tacit agreement.
That relationship either works or not and is totally independent of any consideration outwith the needs and requirements of the two persons involved.
All this supercilious finger waving is Horse Shit and just another tedious "lesson" from the know all's on here.

Its not just on here though. There are always numerous threads about this on FL with similar responses and if you spend any time investing in 'munch time' this subject comes up over and over again. This is just the same discussion within a group you appear not to like and actually the responses I've just read on this thread are probably fairer in thoughtful answers than similar stuff I've read or heard elsewhere.

Thought I'd mention that.

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RE: "Control" your life - 7/26/2015 11:35:39 AM

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I haven't been to a munch in years, so I didn't realize this was such a common topic.

Ideally, I agree with sweetieDA... but the funny thing is...

those men I've encountered who least have their shit together... have been so skilled in the intimacy of our D/s. There have been enough men I've met that meet that description that now I see some pattern. Their frustrations at feeling so out of control of all the shit they feel life has brought them come out in the relationship with me. Don't mistake me- I don't mean in an ignorant, maniacal, unaware violent frenzy. They have each been very "safe" within my limits and boundaries, respectful and caring. They seemed to have been able to develop it into a skill of manipulation (consensual) that is thrilling. I've always found this phenomenon so fascinating. Now.. unfortunately, the sexual thrill can only go so far, and I was never yet able to maintain a real relationship with any of them, because logistics are critical. But the beauty of the D/s dynamic, in an isolated temporary fantasy bubble, is still something that I haven't found topped (oh! no pun intended lol).

< Message edited by NeedAWhirlie -- 7/26/2015 11:52:10 AM >

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RE: "Control" your life - 8/1/2015 11:39:00 AM

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The notion of "Having your shit together" is very fanciful and can be alluded to in very many ways.
Most of us struggle with something or other in our lives and some try to deny this and try to even lie to themselves.
A persons life is far too short to be "Together" and anyway, I am not taken with complacency.

(in reply to NeedAWhirlie)

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