FieryOpal
Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Wayward5oul
Not that I expect you to understand any of this, because you have made it clear that you are not willing to try and understand what women are saying and why. Yes, you are asking and say you are sincere in wanting to know, but you are not listening. You are mansplaining and patronizing. But I will try to point out what you are not understanding about the direction this conversation is going, just for the record.
Disclaimer: this is all explained in the context of M/f, but anyone with a brain understands that it can apply to any dynamic, gender, slash, whatever.
First of all, forget all of this 'if a man were to say hi to you in a bar, would you ignore him" crap. Because this is not a bar. This is not a room full of physical bodies, including friends whose physical presence provides a sense of safety and comfort in a room full of strangers. This is not an entertainment venue where people are drinking and dancing and laughing, and letting themselves get caught up in the moment. This is not a face-to-face- 'hello', where there are all manners of language to aid in communication. Here there is no body language, there is no tone of voice, no facial expression, etc...all things that help people to judge whether or not they are interested in responding.
This is a BDSM site. You know, that lifestyle that is rife with people who use it as an excuse to abuse others, labeling it 'kink'. The one where practitioners regularly engage in activities that can do actual harm, mentally, emotionally, and physically. The one where there are a ridiculous number of domineering men acting like asshats to women, all in the name of bdsm.
Women have to be cautious about people engaged in this lifestyle, in ways that they do not have to in vanilla dating. Submission requires making yourself vulnerable in ways that isn't normally pursued in vanilla contexts. Taking a chance on someone whom you have doubts about, for whatever reason, can have very different consequences in a kink context than in a vanilla context. And not pleasant ones.
And submissive women have to keep all of this in mind when communicating with someone. Things that don't seem like anything to worry about while talking to someone in a bar can take on a whole new importance in light of bdsm. Characteristics like pushiness and ignoring when someone refuses to take a 'no' can look very different, when considered by a submissive looking for someone she can trust in ways that vanilla dating does not require.
For my own well-being, I have had to learn to hold potential kink partners to a higher standard than I ever felt necessary before practicing kink. Because I have learned that someone who does not a respect a 'no' online has a higher chance of ignoring a 'no' in the bedroom as well.
Ignoring 'no', thinking that you can cajole a woman into doing what you want, is not just a dating tactic. It is indicative of personal beliefs, ones that do not go away once you have gained her attention. It is an attitude that guides your behavior in other areas of life, including your manner of domination. And ignoring boundaries, ignoring preferences, manipulation, prioritizing your own wants and preferences over someone else's, these are not things that end at the keyboard. They follow you everywhere, including the bedroom.
The ability to trust someone with your own vulnerabilities is of supreme importance. I am looking for signs of that from the outset of meeting any potential partner. First impressions are critical in any environment, and first impressions tend to color most of what you think about a person, even after several meetings. And if my first impression of you is someone who does not understand boundaries, then I am not interested in letting you anywhere near mine. Ever.
What is expressed above is important as a basis for understanding motivation and to give others better insight, which is what OP should have gotten out of it instead of distorting this explanation to suit his own biased wishful thinking.
These points can apply to F/m interactions also. The "submissive" man who acts like a sheep in wolf's clothing is just as potentially dangerous as any other, the one who tries to wiggle or worm his way into a woman's home to provide "NSA housework" or handyman services, hiding behind the BDSM mask of anonymity and having no professional credentials and no accountability.
Needless to say, I never ever ever go for this type of foolishness, whether presented as an NSA gesture, by a bondage bottom or by a pain slut/oral slut/anal slut hoping to get rewarded once he has his foot in the door.
For OP to purport that no precautions made in the context of vanilla social interactions will protect a woman from a serial killer, is a major cop-out. Neither will any precautions a man takes to protect him from being targeted by someone who turns out to be a serial killer, so let's get that strawman argument off the table because that isn't the issue here.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ImperialPath
And just so you know I know, high levels of trust are equally desirable in vanilla and not so vanilla relationships. In either case trust is required and that quarter your mother had you put in your shoe in case you needed to make a phone call for daddy to come get you in the teen dating years would not save you if your new date was a serial killer in actuality.
You are preaching to the choir.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ImperialPath
Some of you honestly act as if vanilla girls don't go home with a guy they just met. Talk about dangerous. There is nothing more "inherently dangerous" about contacts made here on CM and you are no more in danger because you are a submissive woman with a CM profile than the vanilla submissive woman.
This is not a recommended practice. The fact that it happens in real life has nothing to do with this topic. By making a comparison between reckless behavior in person vis-à-vis reckless on-line behavior, you are actually making a case against yourself, because there is nothing more "inherently"*safe* about contacts made on line either, or about contacts made at a BDSM munch, event, fetish party, or BDSM club.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ImperialPath
Being a woman does not make you the expert in what CM is and you are mistaken in your view of how CM is used. First, BDSM does not automatically mean people in this lifestyle are in it "as an excuse to abuse others".
She never said she was an expert. None of us have. You asked for personal POVs and you got them.
Condescending much, on your "view of how CM is used"? We all use CS for our own individual purposes, and you are surely no arbiter of what that would be.
There are those who DO use the BDSM lifestyle to fly under the radar and/or for their pathological, potentially-dangerous-to-others type of issues to go undetected, and there are self-proclaimed Dominants who ARE in fact no better than abusers. On line, just about anyone who is so inclined thinks he can "get away" with acting verbally abusive at the drop of a hat without repercussions. Whether a D/s turns into an abusive situation (and I doubt any of us has been spared from hearing firsthand-account horror stories), or BDSM crosses the line into physical abuse, into assault & battery, Stockholm syndrome-like false imprisonment or worse, hinges entirely upon full CONSENT. Matter of consent cannot be treated with spurious disregard. As such, if there is a question of whether NO means NO, or whether MAYBE means MAYBE, if you are a BDSM Top with any shred of concern for your own personal liability, then it might be advisable for you to make a practice of treating an ambiguous MAYBE as meaning NO.
You cannot possibly be this naïve.
_____________________________
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau
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RE: Link for submissive women to follow if they would l... - 
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