RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable

RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (Full Version)

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Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 9:50:24 AM)
@freedom I've been talking to him, a lot. He never doesn't let me express my concerns, but he's going to get tired of babying me and having to repeat himself that he loves me, he's not replacing me, he wants to keep me, etc. I don't want to keep bringing it up, I want to accept it. I need to know how to do that. I need to know how to stop the knots in my stomach and the tears in my eyes when I think about them together. Hell, I want to stop thinking about them together.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 9:52:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1 quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 Two dominants? I didn't say anything about that. Ummmm.... Yes you did. In post#10: "She is an experienced Mistress herself". A mistress is a dominant person - not a submissive. Mistress as in the sexual partner of married men, not a Domme. Sorry for the confusion. She's never done bdsm before, Daddy is her first Dom. She says she is a sub.

LilJuly76 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 9:55:51 AM)
thank you freedomdwarf I thought I was explaining things well but you seem to be better at saying what I already said. yes OP like freedomdwarf stated a Mistress is a Dominant person not a submissive. also since you stated she's new as well, it doesn't sound like to me she has no clue how to maintain a good BDSM relationship.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 9:58:28 AM)
So what should I call a woman who sleeps with married men?

LilJuly76 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 10:00:10 AM)
a slut? tramp? hooker? Mistress in BDSM is entirely different. sounds to me still she's looking to get laid with many guys, she doesn't want an actual BDSM relationship, it's doomed that's all I can say.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 10:00:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 @freedom I've been talking to him, a lot. He never doesn't let me express my concerns, but he's going to get tired of babying me and having to repeat himself that he loves me, he's not replacing me, he wants to keep me, etc. I don't want to keep bringing it up, I want to accept it. I need to know how to do that. I need to know how to stop the knots in my stomach and the tears in my eyes when I think about them together. Hell, I want to stop thinking about them together. That's a personal jealousy issue. If you really can't keep it under control, you can't let it make the relationship toxic - which it will over time. It's a really simple case of swallowing your pride and kicking the green-eyed monster out of your life or you'll have to seriously think about leaving him. If you don't know how to do that, then you need to seek a kink-friendly therapist. Personally, I think you are soo wrapped up in your submission and stuck in subspace that you aren't able to cope with any external pressures that cause a hiccup inside your personal fantasy. And to re-iterate what someone said earlier - 5 months is a relatively short time to be thinking along life-time fantasy plans. It really isn't. I think, if you really can't get up the courage to face him with your jealousy problem, you must think along the lines of letting him go and finding another. A sub has just as much power as a dom in these situations. Don't let anyone tell you any different.

DarkSteven -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 10:01:54 AM)
First off, relax. This isn't the end of the world. This is your first time being poly with someone you care about. And the jealousy is a natural result. I suspect, you've been focusing so much on this train wreck that you may not have been thinking much of your husband. He's seen the exact thing happen to you that you describe with your Dom - sudden infatuation, his own feelings, etc. And you're caught up in a maelstrom right now. Go spend more time with him right now. You need to focus on your only stable relationship, and ground yourself. And I bet that he would welcome the attdntion.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 10:02:04 AM)
Thinking about it being doomed shouldn't make me happy. Maybe she will change. I don't want to see Daddy get hurt.

MariaB -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 10:04:52 AM)
You need to ask yourself some important questions and answer yourself truthfully. 1) Your husband has agreed to you finding and embarking on an extra-marital arrangement but how would he feel about your emotional state re this man. Was it ever meant to get this serious? 2) What are your expectations? Only you can own them and if you haven’t shared them with your Daddy, then that’s not fair on him. 3) How do you think he will react if you tell him how you’re feeling and do you realize how crucial it is to tell him? 4) Do you trust him? In my opinion (and its only my opinion) this is all too much too soon. You are still going through the honeymoon phase. I believe you hate this woman because you see her as a threat to your relationship and because of the way its been done, it probably is a threat.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 10:05:37 AM)
Thanks @Dark. That's good advice. I'm also going to the local bdsm club tonight to play with some lady friends of mine with Daddy's blessing while he goes to see the new sub. I hope we can both get some relief and he can get some answers from her about her seriousness. He knows I'm there for him. You're right about focusing on hubby. We do spend a lot of time together and I don't want him to feel neglected. Thanks for that perspective.

Lucylastic -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 10:14:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 So what should I call a woman who sleeps with married men? A poly woman or of course you can go slut hooker or tramp personally, Id walk the other way, you are in a relationship, you have two options, kick him to the kerb, or be comfortable with his "slutting" Ooops I mean Mastery of having every woman that comes past his dick.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 10:17:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB You need to ask yourself some important questions and answer yourself truthfully. 1) Your husband has agreed to you finding and embarking on an extra-marital arrangement but how would he feel about your emotional state re this man. Was it ever meant to get this serious? 2) What are your expectations? Only you can own them and if you haven’t shared them with your Daddy, then that’s not fair on him. 3) How do you think he will react if you tell him how you’re feeling and do you realize how crucial it is to tell him? 4) Do you trust him? In my opinion (and its only my opinion) this is all too much too soon. You are still going through the honeymoon phase. I believe you hate this woman because you see her as a threat to your relationship and because of the way its been done, it probably is a threat. 1. he wouldn't like it. But he asked for a dadt, so I respect that. I don't talk to him about my other relationships or play partners. My husband is not poly nor does he want to be with anyone else but me. 2. I have shared them with him, at length. He knows exactly how I feel other than not liking the new girl. I told him I liked her as a person but did not appreciate how she seems to disregard the married men's existing relationships and seems to enjoy being the other woman to attached men. I probably shouldn't have said that. It's not my business 3. I've told Daddy everything but not liking his new sub. I'm keeping that to myself and trusting he will be able to make he best decision about her for himself. How I feel about her personally doesn't really matter, does it? She's not my sub or play partner. 4. implicitly. I couldn't stay with him this long if I didn't. I don't trust her. I think she's playing with him.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 10:21:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lucylastic quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 So what should I call a woman who sleeps with married men? A poly woman or of course you can go slut hooker or tramp personally, Id walk the other way, you are in a relationship, you have two options, kick him to the kerb, or be comfortable with his "slutting" Ooops I mean Mastery of having every woman that comes past his dick. He doesn't do that. Other than threesomes and swapping (with me there and happily enjoying), he's been with no one else without me until this new girl.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 10:26:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 3. I've told Daddy everything but not liking his new sub. I'm keeping that to myself and trusting he will be able to make he best decision about her for himself. How I feel about her personally doesn't really matter, does it? She's not my sub or play partner. 4. implicitly. I couldn't stay with him this long if I didn't. I don't trust her. I think she's playing with him. Thes are very important issues for both you and for him. He needs to know your feelings otherwise he'll be thinking everything is hunky-dory and all Ok - when it clearly isn't for you. For any relationship to work, be it vanilla, kink, poly or anything, requires clear communication from all concerned. You aren't being clear to your daddy and that's not fair on him. You are expecting him to make the right decision with only half the info. You need to fess up with him or walk.

Lucylastic -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 10:35:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 quote: ORIGINAL: Lucylastic quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 So what should I call a woman who sleeps with married men? A poly woman or of course you can go slut hooker or tramp personally, Id walk the other way, you are in a relationship, you have two options, kick him to the kerb, or be comfortable with his "slutting" Ooops I mean Mastery of having every woman that comes past his dick. He doesn't do that. Other than threesomes and swapping (with me there and happily enjoying), he's been with no one else without me until this new girl. Ive been there, done it, for more than a few years. This may be the first... it may be the last. you have to decide if you can put up with it.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 10:36:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1 quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 3. I've told Daddy everything but not liking his new sub. I'm keeping that to myself and trusting he will be able to make he best decision about her for himself. How I feel about her personally doesn't really matter, does it? She's not my sub or play partner. 4. implicitly. I couldn't stay with him this long if I didn't. I don't trust her. I think she's playing with him. Thes are very important issues for both you and for him. He needs to know your feelings otherwise he'll be thinking everything is hunky-dory and all Ok - when it clearly isn't for you. For any relationship to work, be it vanilla, kink, poly or anything, requires clear communication from all concerned. You aren't being clear to your daddy and that's not fair on him. You are expecting him to make the right decision with only half the info. You need to fess up with him or walk. But telling him I don't like her will make me look petty and jealous. Why would I want to do that? I'm trying to give this a chance. Maybe I'm wrong about her and she will be willing to give up the other men for him, or Daddy won't mind and he will accept their arrangement for what it is. That really isn't my call or my decision. Right?

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 10:39:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lucylastic quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 quote: ORIGINAL: Lucylastic quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 So what should I call a woman who sleeps with married men? A poly woman or of course you can go slut hooker or tramp personally, Id walk the other way, you are in a relationship, you have two options, kick him to the kerb, or be comfortable with his "slutting" Ooops I mean Mastery of having every woman that comes past his dick. He doesn't do that. Other than threesomes and swapping (with me there and happily enjoying), he's been with no one else without me until this new girl. Ive been there, done it, for more than a few years. This may be the first... it may be the last. you have to decide if you can put up with it. I can put up with it as long as I am not neglected and he continues to practice safe sex. He hasn't broken either of those. The safe sex thing is the biggest deal breaker. My health and my husband's health are my #1 priority and if my Daddy compromised that it would be immediately over and he knows that. He is a very cautious man, so I still trust he won't screw that up.

OsideGirl -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 10:40:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 She's only been in his life for a week. I know he's still learning her and she him. But I still don't like her. I can't tell him that. How could I? How could you NOT tell him? Poly only works when everything is out in the open, honesty is used freely and communication happens. Otherwise resentment breeds and it it will eat the relationship. quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 @freedom I've been talking to him, a lot. He never doesn't let me express my concerns, but he's going to get tired of babying me and having to repeat himself that he loves me, he's not replacing me, he wants to keep me, etc. Actions speak louder than words. He can tell you that all he wants, but he needs to walk the talk. The best thing you can do right now is sit down and have an adult conversation about how you feel. Tell him everything that is bothering you. You seem to want to give him a free pass, but you need to realize that as the Dominant, it's his job to run the relationship and at this moment he's failing at that job. The relationship isn't working for everyone involved and it's not being addressed.

Aquanerd1983 -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 10:42:49 AM)
I'll consider that, but I'll wait until I see him again next week and he's had time to talk to her. I'm learning patience.

Lucylastic -> RE: He took on a second sub and I'm miserable (8/27/2016 10:47:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 She's only been in his life for a week. I know he's still learning her and she him. But I still don't like her. I can't tell him that. How could I? How could you NOT tell him? Poly only works when everything is out in the open, honesty is used freely and communication happens. Otherwise resentment breeds and it it will eat the relationship. quote: ORIGINAL: Aquanerd1983 @freedom I've been talking to him, a lot. He never doesn't let me express my concerns, but he's going to get tired of babying me and having to repeat himself that he loves me, he's not replacing me, he wants to keep me, etc. Actions speak louder than words. He can tell you that all he wants, but he needs to walk the talk. The best thing you can do right now is sit down and have an adult conversation about how you feel. Tell him everything that bothering you. You seem to want to give him a free pass, but you need to realize that as the Dominant, it's his job to run the relationship and at this moment he's failing at that job. The relationship isn't working for everyone involved and it's not being addresses. This.....

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