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Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 1:47:18 PM

Posts: 13
Joined: 9/18/2016
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It's been awhile for me. 5 years since I started with first and only Dom. Now I'm starting over after 3 years away. What's the protocol when going through the negotiation process? Do I address him as Sir immediately? Is it ok if we play before committing? I have so many questions.

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 1:54:20 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Yours2Teach82

It's been awhile for me. 5 years since I started with first and only Dom. Now I'm starting over after 3 years away. What's the protocol when going through the negotiation process?

What negotiation process did you go through before? There is no etched in stone protocol, which is why am asking you about your prior experience.

quote:

Do I address him as Sir immediately?

Call him whatever he wishes you to call him, however, until you commit to him, you are under no obligation to call him anything but his given name.

quote:

Is it ok if we play before committing?

Not until you get through discussing your limits, potential health concerns, potential emotional triggers, or what you do and do not like. Once you have established trust with him, you can then play.

quote:

I have so many questions.

Ask away.

Welcome to the forums.

< Message edited by Gauge -- 9/19/2016 1:55:10 PM >

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Yours2Teach82)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 2:12:14 PM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Yours2Teach82
Do I address him as Sir immediately?

I wouldn't. It implies a power dynamic where there is none and causes confusion if you decide not to go any further with him. I found this to be an issue with a lot of men I met and decided they weren't for me. It sends mixed signals.

quote:

Is it ok if we play before committing?

Sure it is. Just like having sex before committing. Honestly, I tell people to just date before committing - figure out if you actually like the person or like the title. If that dating involves kinky sex, it's all good. The caveat is that you discuss limits and safewords and you probably want to keep it to something fairly light in nature.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 9/19/2016 2:39:49 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Yours2Teach82)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 2:24:48 PM

Posts: 13
Joined: 9/18/2016
Status: offline

It was LD previously and we were both inexperienced, so I'm unsure. As a sub, eagerness can quickly be misconstrued as trust and I want to do this right this time. This is essentially my first experienced Dom and I'm still going into it as an amateur.

(in reply to Gauge)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 2:27:01 PM

Posts: 13
Joined: 9/18/2016
Status: offline

Finally found the reply button. Lol. Thank you! I had so many that referred to me as "slut" and the n word prematurely. I needed a reminder on when the proper level of reappear was shown. But it seems it's all earned and I'm still in control of i understand correctly.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 2:31:27 PM

Posts: 13
Joined: 9/18/2016
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Yours2Teach82

Finally found the reply button. Lol. Thank you! I had so many that referred to me as "slut" and the n word prematurely. I needed a reminder on when the proper level of reappear was shown. But it seems it's all earned and I'm still in control of i understand correctly.

Respect. Not reappear. Yikes.

(in reply to Yours2Teach82)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 2:37:00 PM

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Joined: 11/4/2015
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I believe you are not you and have no dom-

(in reply to Yours2Teach82)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 2:45:29 PM

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Joined: 1/9/2016
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know your own self worth don't let men call you a slut or any other name they want to call you because you identify as a submissive, a lot of newbie "Dominants" tend to do this. if the N word is the word I'm thinking of than that's not proper in any circumstance.

(in reply to Yours2Teach82)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 2:52:23 PM

Posts: 450
Joined: 7/16/2016
Status: offline

Think about looking for a dom as you would dating in vanilla. You don't do anything you don't want to do, no matter what someone may say. I especially love the " if you really are submissive, you would do ......." line.

Just as the dom is judging you, you get to judge the dom, and since in our world female subs are a premium, you get to be as choosey as you want.

The nice thing about what we do, is that there is a whole spectrum of how things get done, and you get to choose where you are on it - if you hate anal and zippers, you get to say no during negotiations. If you love breast torture, that goes into the pot, if you only want men who hate whips, you get to state that off the get-go - and once you are in a relationship and find something you dislike, you get to bring that up in a rational discussion.

The nice thing about communications is that it goes two way.

(in reply to LilJuly76)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 2:57:29 PM

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Joined: 11/4/2015
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there are no genuine single women here looking
even i wouldn't argue with that

but let us behold them and their offerings of malarkey...come forth creatures of wretch like op
bedazzle us and me with cake
tre are none at all

let us see wat mess stride forth of no worth i will wage none

(in reply to kiwisub22)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 2:59:44 PM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Yours2Teach82

Finally found the reply button. Lol. Thank you! I had so many that referred to me as "slut" and the n word prematurely. I needed a reminder on when the proper level of reappear was shown. But it seems it's all earned and I'm still in control of i understand correctly.

Yeah, it seems like a lot of guys read the "How to be a Dom in 20 Minutes" manual that says "submissive women love to be called 'sluts'!" - they don't realize that calling someone that doesn't belong to you "slut" is presumptuous and rude.

As for the N word, IMO that's something you negotiate with the person you decide to whom you decide to commit, if you're into that. Anyone before that point would get an automatic rejection.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Yours2Teach82)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 3:01:47 PM

Posts: 13
Joined: 9/18/2016
Status: offline

That's the reassurance I needed. So many Doms smell the newness and see the opportunity to take advantage. But being eager, I get confused about what's right and what's disrespectful. Thank you for clearing it up. To all who answered!

(in reply to kiwisub22)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 3:05:25 PM

Posts: 13
Joined: 9/18/2016
Status: offline

Yes although that's a derogatory word; I know race play is a real kink. To each his own. No judgement, I just wasn't prepared for it so soon! When you speak up, they tell me I'm not a real sub if I don't do what my master says. I have a great career and a strong personality and I wasn't sure if I should reign that in or assert myself! It's confusing sometimes.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 3:07:19 PM

Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
Status: offline

no decent Dominant will send you messages calling you slut or whatever else, they would send you a message like how they should send anyone a message, hi etc..... the ones that randomly send messages to submissives calling them whatever they feel like, I don't call them Dominant at all.

(in reply to Yours2Teach82)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 3:09:27 PM

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Yours2Teach82

they tell me I'm not a real sub

That's a common guilt trip/manipulation that comes from guys that are Users. They get enough women that actually are worried that they'll get labeled as "not a real submissive" that they will do what he wants. So, they keep using it.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Yours2Teach82)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 3:25:21 PM

Posts: 13
Joined: 9/18/2016
Status: offline

Great, so date like vanilla! Thank you, I really appreciate the help and here's to good luck in the playroom;)

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 10:24:59 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Yeah, it seems like a lot of guys read the "How to be a Dom in 20 Minutes"

I wrote that book. I would link it on Amazon... but... it is a masterpiece.

I will give you an excerpt:

OK, you are a dominant because you bought this book. Now, tell everyone that you are dominant, and call women you message slut, bitch and cunt in every email. Bitches love that shit and eat it up.

Damn, I didn't mean to give you the entire book for free.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 10:30:41 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Yours2Teach82

That's the reassurance I needed. So many Doms smell the newness and see the opportunity to take advantage. But being eager, I get confused about what's right and what's disrespectful. Thank you for clearing it up. To all who answered!

You sound like you are in a rush. Are you?

OK, go to the General BDSM section of the forums, at the top of the list of posts, there is a book list. Read that. There are a lot of good suggestions there.

You sound as if you do not know what you are doing, that is fine, we all were there once, but it is up to you to educate yourself and then decide what it is you want. We, as a community, could tell you a thousand things, and maybe 5 apply to you directly. So, you need to learn what you want, learn how to weed through the dreck and find someone that you can connect with.

This life takes work. Anyone that thinks it is easy to do is not telling you the truth.

I wish you luck.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Yours2Teach82)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 10:35:31 PM

Posts: 2849
Joined: 9/11/2008
Status: offline

I totally agree with what the others have said on here Yours2Teach. Johnny Cash once sang a song called "There ain't no easy run", so treat it like that and check every step you make before you take the next one. And like the Big Fella said "Wëlcome to the Forums"
By the way, Gauge really likes clocks.

(in reply to Gauge)

RE: Newbie Life. Sigh. - 9/19/2016 10:46:14 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dvr22999874

By the way, Gauge really likes clocks.

I do. But not clocks made in Germany called Hands.

It is Hans. Your clock may have hands but it is called Hans.

What is the sound of one Hans clapping?

Right...

I think we are done here.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Dvr22999874)

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