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questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/18/2006 2:04:28 AM   
mommysgoodgirl


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/6/2006
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I am a lesbian sub seeking a mistress.  I have only been on collarme over a month or so now and I am trying to figure out what would be appropriate questions to ask a mistress without causing her to rule me out right away.  When a mistress asks me to show myself on webcam, but she says that she does not have one, is it appropriate to ask for voice verification?  It just seems that I have people approaching me and immediately calling me "girl" and demanding that I do this, that, or the other thing, and I start to get concerned that I may really be dealing with a man.  Mistresses, do you think it is appropriate for me to ask if a domme is married or single and various questions like that?  Should I run if someone asks "girl, what is your attire right now"?  I guess what I am wondering is, what questions can I ask that would sound polite and yet give me some reassurance that I am actually chatting with a lady and not man?  Thank you in advance for your replies. 
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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/18/2006 3:39:02 AM   
jeffman1234


Posts: 61
Joined: 6/11/2004
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If you want to have a long term stable relationship then it would be a good idea to get all of each others questions answered. Verification of some sort would be a  good idea so neither is wasting time. If someone isn't willing to  have an in depth conversation then they probably aren't worth it.

(in reply to mommysgoodgirl)
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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/18/2006 4:21:51 AM   
MzMinx


Posts: 277
Joined: 12/26/2005
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hmmmm *smiles* ...  whilst its not unheard of for a female dominant to demand all sorts of things ....  any one who does not allow you to share that you desire to discuss  things about each of you rather  than play .... would not be to my tastes ... 

Its perfectly acceptable to ask almost any question ... particular when you do so in polite and respectful ways ...

Unfortunatly no question guarentees anything ... but  most dominants  do not mind taking the first interactions slow, if they seek more than sexual games  be they online or offline

If they are immediatly asking you to sexualy perform .. or only asking sexual/kink questions ... then to me that would raise some red flags .... especially if they will not share  any photos  etc of themselves  (many of us dont have webcams)

Dont worry about  being ruled out by someone  who doesnt want to get to know the whole of you .. or  who doesnt want to share nything about themselves ..... sounds like they are not what you want anyway

*warm smile*

(in reply to jeffman1234)
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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/18/2006 5:42:18 AM   
Oumae


Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
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Ask whatever questions you feel you need to, you may be submissive but that does not mean you have to do what anyone who calls themself a Dom/me says. Make sure you are comfortable and trust your instincts.  Some guys do pose as Dommes online and I'd be suspicious of someone asking what you are wearing, in my experience it is a very male question.

As MzMinx said if someone doesn't like you questions then they probably aren't a good match.

Common sense is your friend.

Oumae

< Message edited by Oumae -- 8/18/2006 5:43:44 AM >


_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to mommysgoodgirl)
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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/18/2006 10:06:29 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
Run from the folks that are demanding you do things for them before they've established your trust.

I prefer to exchange at least a thorough email or two before I invest in time speaking with someone on the phone.  But then again, I'm someone who's been out in the leather community as a titleholder and an educator for years, I have my own website, etc.....so it'd be hard for someone to say I'm not a female or I'm not who I say I am, at least from the "validation of person" perspective.

Without knowing specifically what you seek, I think the things to establish up front are the list of things that are most important for you.  Mine include the person's marital status and dependents, their location and flexibility with that (relocatable, wants to relocate, hell no won't relocate), their employment, and what sort of BDSM experience they've had.

I prefer to get my questions out up front and then I offer the potential supplicant the opportunity to address questions, concerns, usually in the next email.  If I'm liking what I'm hearing, I offer my personal email address to continue the discourse.  That continues for a few emails, and might move to IMs depending on my time availability.  But often, if I enjoy the person after the first few IMs, I offer my cell number and come to a mutually agreed upon time for the slave to call.  That's the ONE point where their failure to do as instructed will cost them their chance.  No call (no cancel), I'm done.  I'm very serious about consistency and follow-through on those first communications and the subject knows that up front.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to mommysgoodgirl)
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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/18/2006 12:35:06 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mommysgoodgirl

I am a lesbian sub seeking a mistress.  I have only been on collarme over a month or so now and I am trying to figure out what would be appropriate questions to ask a mistress without causing her to rule me out right away.  When a mistress asks me to show myself on webcam, but she says that she does not have one, is it appropriate to ask for voice verification?  It just seems that I have people approaching me and immediately calling me "girl" and demanding that I do this, that, or the other thing, and I start to get concerned that I may really be dealing with a man.  Mistresses, do you think it is appropriate for me to ask if a domme is married or single and various questions like that?  Should I run if someone asks "girl, what is your attire right now"?  I guess what I am wondering is, what questions can I ask that would sound polite and yet give me some reassurance that I am actually chatting with a lady and not man?  Thank you in advance for your replies. 


All I can offer is my own ways. First of all, when a girl contacts me I do not "demand" her do anything. I ask that she tell me more about herself. I refuse to discuss sexual specifics. I want to know about her as a person. I expect that she would want to know the same about me, after all, they are seeking to become a part of my life. I would assume they would want to know what my life entails. I could care less what they are wearing while they are telling me. I also expect that we will be at some point talking on the phone and if one of us feels the need, showing our faces on webcam. I do not "play" online and refuse to be a part of that. In my opinion those that try to push one into that are only looking for that. I cannot count the numbers that have disappeared when they realized their efforts were for naught. I believe the greater percentage of those are males just looking for wanker material.



_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to mommysgoodgirl)
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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/18/2006 1:04:00 PM   
vicki2725


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in my experience searching for a mistress I am a lesbian.  I have found many pretenders or people who fantasize.  always be careful when they demand things upfront.  Anyone who is serious and willing to commit will not have a problem answering a few questions or even voice verification.  You always need to ask with respect and being very polite.  But there is no reason why you should not be able to ask you are not their slave yet.  These are just my feelings I don't want to offend anyone.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/18/2006 1:06:45 PM   
MistressRaina


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Joined: 8/12/2006
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I agree wholeheartedly with all of the comments.  I have never asked a slave or sub to do things without setting up some sort of relationship in advance.  Get to know someone on the phone first.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/18/2006 4:40:55 PM   
Owned1


Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline
Before I move to any indepth conversation, such as one where we would be discussing details about our lives, family etc I expect a short conversation on the phone to confirm a couple of things,  the gender of who I am talking with, it also shows honest intent by being willing to speak on the phone.  The cyber world is very limited to black and white and no affect.  At least over the phone you can make a minor assessment about the person you are speaking with.

Never forget over all you have rights, you are not collared.  If someone is going to push you to do something you are not comfortable with in the early stages what will they be like later?  As well would you ever truly be able to trust them and their word.

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to MistressRaina)
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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/18/2006 5:06:51 PM   
LTRsubNW


Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mommysgoodgirl

I am a lesbian sub seeking a mistress.  I have only been on collarme over a month or so now and I am trying to figure out what would be appropriate questions to ask a mistress without causing her to rule me out right away.  When a mistress asks me to show myself on webcam, but she says that she does not have one, is it appropriate to ask for voice verification?  It just seems that I have people approaching me and immediately calling me "girl" and demanding that I do this, that, or the other thing, and I start to get concerned that I may really be dealing with a man.  Mistresses, do you think it is appropriate for me to ask if a domme is married or single and various questions like that?  Should I run if someone asks "girl, what is your attire right now"?  I guess what I am wondering is, what questions can I ask that would sound polite and yet give me some reassurance that I am actually chatting with a lady and not man?  Thank you in advance for your replies. 


I've never spoken to a Domme who wouldn't eagerly prove she is what she says.  While I've only been in a situation wherein that was needed fewer than 3 or 4 times (i.e., I didn't have any interest in pursuing anything other than chat in cases other than that), I should think if anyone balks at such a verification, you can bet they don't sing soprano.

Now, if anyone with a screen name along the lines of LTRsubNW ever contacts you regards video or cam time, I should think you'd feel 110% confortable going with them on cam at any time (regardless of whether he....ooops...I meant she of course) has their own cam or not.

Just a thought.

(Side note...I've had MORE than many "Dommes" who feel you {I} should call them "Ma'am" or "Mistress" loooong before they've earned such a moniker and rest assured...while they may have all been valuable people with good intentions...they never stood a chance with me because of same).

< Message edited by LTRsubNW -- 8/18/2006 5:09:20 PM >

(in reply to mommysgoodgirl)
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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/18/2006 5:14:17 PM   
HouseofBear


Posts: 1280
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I would be wary of anyone who is not as willing to answer the same questions they pose to you, or to provide the same verification they are asking for.  No one has a right to demand anything of someone who is not collared to them.  One who does so raises red flags immediately.

(in reply to LTRsubNW)
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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/18/2006 7:19:53 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

I think you are about to discover the "trial and error" process of internet dating. Enjoy the ride and pack your gullibility away in the basement chest. You won't be needing it for a while.

(in reply to mommysgoodgirl)
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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/19/2006 7:41:08 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline
I can't really answer your question... every one is different. My only comment is that first time attempts on communication should really be on even ground. In my opinion, demands of you performing right away should be avoided.

What I can tell you is that when I am asked questions that are already answered in my profile & get irritated. When a person contacts me & they don't fit in with what I have modestly discussed in my profile I am equally irritated. This shows me that they didn't bother to read what I have provided & merely responded to a photo. I am not a shallow person & I have no place in my life for shallow people.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion


(in reply to mommysgoodgirl)
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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/19/2006 8:47:20 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mommysgoodgirl

I am a lesbian sub seeking a mistress. I have only been on collarme over a month or so now and I am trying to figure out what would be appropriate questions to ask a mistress without causing her to rule me out right away. When a mistress asks me to show myself on webcam, but she says that she does not have one, is it appropriate to ask for voice verification? It just seems that I have people approaching me and immediately calling me "girl" and demanding that I do this, that, or the other thing, and I start to get concerned that I may really be dealing with a man. Mistresses, do you think it is appropriate for me to ask if a domme is married or single and various questions like that? Should I run if someone asks "girl, what is your attire right now"? I guess what I am wondering is, what questions can I ask that would sound polite and yet give me some reassurance that I am actually chatting with a lady and not man? Thank you in advance for your replies.


I'm assuming these interactions you've described make you feel uncomfortable, right?

If so, you have your answer: this is not the person for you. Our guts often tell us something very valuable that our hearts and heads and groins don't want to listen to. Number one rule of safety is listen to your gut reaction.

Beyond this, as a woman who plays with and has trained both men and women, I'm rarely offended by any question (of course I'm fairly open too) but I am offended when I say "It isn't time to discuss that" or "that's an inappropriate question" and I'm asked again.

You have just as much right as someone who is in the top role to get your needs, limits, and questions answered.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to mommysgoodgirl)
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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/19/2006 11:16:15 AM   
DivaDuchess


Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline
Hmmm ... Interesting.  Personally and through experience, both good and bad, I prefer the slave be honest from the get go.  If the slave is reluctant to or unwilling to speak when something bothers her, there's a problem.  I and the Master cannot protect and keep safe a slave that is afraid to speak when she feels the need.

That would include online beginnings.  If you feel that someone is more interested in you stripping on webcam than the lifestyle, back off and look elsewhere.  Even up, if you have a pic, for instance ... We will provide one as well.  For Myself, I find My slaves most attractive DRESSED, until I deem otherwise.  Comfort in service and slavery is the highest of feelings for a slave.  Find that and you've found ... GOLD.

Miss G

(in reply to mommysgoodgirl)
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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/19/2006 11:29:28 AM   
mellian


Posts: 211
Joined: 9/6/2004
Status: offline
I can totally relate in regards to dealing with such suppose Dommes online, always asking to see on webcam without showing themselves or their voice right away before anything else. Heck, had someone MSNing me and claim I am theirs now, so down and follow me bidding! How about you come here and try to do that in person, hmm?  So yes, because of such individuals I do not expect much from the internet, much prefering attending new events and parties so I can more and more new people.

-mellian


_____________________________

Since my pic link doesn't work, here is my profile:

http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/50276/details.htm

(in reply to DivaDuchess)
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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/27/2006 7:56:55 PM   
ladylexington


Posts: 117
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline
Anyone who tries to top you without permission is being rude, at best. Quite often, the person who behaves this way is trying to manipulate a sub, hoping that he/she is too inexperienced or too reluctant to speak up. The wormy little (insert nasty name here) is using you -- and not in a mutually agreed upon hot way. Respectfully tell them to hit the road.

_____________________________

If you must gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much. -- Mark Twain

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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/27/2006 7:59:20 PM   
michaelGA2


Posts: 1533
Joined: 4/26/2006
Status: offline
how many licks (with a flogger, paddle or whip) does it take to get to the center of a subbies soul?

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Are we having fun, yet?

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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/27/2006 8:46:53 PM   
DivaDuchess


Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline
I have to agree with most of these posts ... it sounds like they are just trying to be pushy, not Dominant.  There is a difference.  If they want a webcam, They need to provide one.  If they want voice, They need to provide the same.  In my household there are schedules to keep.  My general thing personally is to give them 2 days of asking anything they wish and receive an answer from Me.  In that time I ask My questions as well.  Kind of like a game of 'twisted 20 questions' ... it works.  It's a nice ice breaker and you find out the strangest things ... like someone favorite tree.

_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

(in reply to michaelGA2)
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RE: questions to ask a potential mistress - 8/27/2006 9:28:21 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
Dear mommysgoodgirl, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I am a female dominant and have newspaper articles and individuals that can identify me as 'all woman.'  I do have concerns though, when it comes to the verification process, as some Cross-dressing chaps look better than some females--me included.  Some have gender reassigned themselves as well and that needs to be considered.  So, nothing is easily done over web cams as to be authentic woman until you're in real life and even so, need the tests I would think.
 
I am also one of those late bloomers to computers and web cam is not one of those things I have.
 
As far as someone approaching you and or vice versa, there should be respect on both sides.  Some move way to fast for my tastes and some are so slow they have to speed up to stop.   Individuals are just that--individuals.  Also, time into the scene/lifestyle influences their approach and behaviors, so in a way that helps guide me to if a person is new and pretending they're old schooled and scene savy. 
 
Communication is key and although I agree with the posts made thus far, it needs to be said that regardless if Master, Mistress or slave material--communication is paramount, even to say to another person you're going to fast or to slow and maintain a comfort level.  So many people come to this lifestyle on the winds of fantasy, fictional BDSM stories and movies.  Some don't know how to be Masters/Mistresses as it applies to slaves as well.  Just don't know how.  Or, yet.
 
You also have closet Lesbians that have so much to learn from someone that has been out.  There is a whole different 'social' structure to learn. 
 
There are so many factors that can come to play in the first few moments of first contact.  What must be maintained is your gut instincts and giving it credibility.  Beyond gender preferences and tastes, respect for yourself needs to come first.  Even if it means removing yourself from groups or association of people that does not give you that warm glow of safety and acceptance; you must be spot on yourself before another can come in and into your life.  Do what is best for you, in that moment and in that time. 
 
In a text based format, the use of 'girl' can be assumed as an order as much as it is an assumption as a term of endearment.  Both sides are entitled to probe each other out.  Asking questions is how to 'find out.'  Unfortunately, for many dominants--we often have to be asking questions where we don't get answers of what we want to hear but, need to hear.  So many times, I've personally had a person change their answers as to suit what I wanted to hear.  Not good, I assure you.  We need authentic people as much as a searching slave needs an authentic dominant.  So, I am sure anybody regardless, who seeks must ask questions as to find the authentic side of it all.
 
The way people ask questions do lack lass.  Some are classy and some are down right rude.  And, as far as what a person is wearing, well--I do admit, when I was an active equestrian, I was not wearing dresses unless in a driving class.  That does not mean that I'm not a woman.  Women are in many fields that require masculine attire as it is functional.  So, that can be a false assumption if to base a gender on somebody's attire.  Ladies are blacksmithing, doing ranching, police and fire department work.  Ladies are doing telephone line installing, electrical/power pole climbing, putting in ditches, running big machines.  Ladies are mechanics and gosh who knows now days.  Shower and slap on a few layers of makeup and slide into some fancy dress, into stillettos and they're beauty queens.  Women are amazing when they wish to be.
 
Respectfully submitted with a tad of wit,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to mommysgoodgirl)
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