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Long distance relationships - 4/18/2004 10:37:38 AM

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Joined: 4/3/2004
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This is a topic that i have read much on, and of course as with everything everyone has an opinion. i have attempted 3 long distance relationships (3 to 5 hour drive time) and all failed. i found myself very deflated and somewhat depressed on the interim of visits. A few days after leaving i would hit a major low, and then the questions would begin to hit me about if this was good for me, if this relationship was going anywhere, and so on and so on. i cared deeply for all three of these Dominants, and the last one i had known for 3 years prior to starting a D/s relationship. There were a lot of factors other than long distance that hurt our relationship but the biggest blow was the long distance situation. i realize that some people do make it work, but that is only if one or the other can relocate which i cannot do at this time. i have had several emails telling me how i am limiting myself, and that maybe it just wasn't the right person, blah blah blah, but i know for me that my heart cannot take the distance factor. Would love to hear other thoughts on the subject.

Thank you for listening.

spirit

RE: Long distance relationships - 4/18/2004 11:04:41 AM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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You dident mention the reason why you could not relocate but
one thing My granny use to always say to Me whilst growing up
if you dont wanna get eaten by the crocs dont jump in the lake
where they swimmin.
This simply means sub that if you know you have limits which I
will remind you are Yours then learn to work with in YOUR limits
period and do not put blame any where else except where its due
and thats with you. start looking in your own back yard or dont
look till you are free to pursue fully that which you seek. half way
actions will get you half way results. ~smiles~ Have a great day !!

(in reply to slavespirit41)

RE: Long distance relationships - 4/18/2004 11:09:12 AM

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i cannot relocate due to family obligations with my child. Yes perhaps the blame is with me, but when you have some holier than thou Dominant trying to convince you that it can work, sometimes even years of convincing as in my last situation, one may tend to bend a bit. i just get tired of Dominants not listening to me as if i don't know what my limits are. i have stood firm this time, but the emails don't seem to end and it just makes me roll my eyes.

spirit

(in reply to MistressDREAD)

RE: Long distance relationships - 4/18/2004 5:51:29 PM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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But dearie there are ways one can go about
dealing with this. If you feel that you cannot
tend to these Dominants then you gain the
protection kolar of a Dominant that you can
trust and let them tend to those whom contact
you for your suplication. That is what a protection
collar does is assist those slaves or submisisves
whom do not know how to protect their best interest
and learn how to say the word NO. I have several
slaves whom wear My protection collar and befor
anyone contacts them they must come thru Me first.
Simple!

(in reply to slavespirit41)

RE: Long distance relationships - 4/19/2004 5:20:42 AM

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
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quote:

i found myself very deflated and somewhat depressed on the interim of visits. A few days after leaving i would hit a major low,

That sounds like bottom drop to me- the standard 'low' that comes after the high of a really good scene/weekend.

Distance is tough to deal with, and it's worse after a really good weekend spent together, particually , as in your case when one can't see an end to the seperation coming.

Setting a firm no LDR line is tough, but I am surprised that it isn't being respected by dominants. That sort of tring to bend the rules thing isn't something I see as 'domly'.

Good Luck,
stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to slavespirit41)

RE: Long distance relationships - 4/19/2004 3:23:28 PM

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I agree with You totally Lawrence
and is why I gave her My suggestion
as I dident see the actions of whom
she was seeing to be acting in a Dominant
watchful eyed manner.

(in reply to topcat)

RE: Long distance relationships - 4/19/2004 4:22:25 PM

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Joined: 1/22/2004
From: Orlando
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Stand firm in your decision. I have found it necessary to impose a strict no LDR rule and state it clearly in my profile just as you have. I do get the occasional e-mail from those who don't seem to have read my profile and those who seem to think that they are spectacular enough to make me bend my rules. But when I reply and explain that history shows that I do not do well with long-distance relationships, then most move on. And those who persist don't warrant any further responses from me. (Of course, those who offer friendship are always welcome.)

Stick to your principles and your intuitions and you'll be just fine.

Good luck!

(in reply to slavespirit41)

RE: Long distance relationships - 4/30/2004 7:37:02 AM

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I'd agree with anjel: your own intuitions are your best indicator. Some do make LDR work, but from the dom side I've always found it ultimately unworkable, and unsatisfactory to both parties. That it fails to work is not YOUR fault: the situation is unacceptable, especially if you're in an area where there are choices other than LDR.

(in reply to anjelblue69)

RE: Long distance relationships - 4/30/2004 12:30:51 PM

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slavespirit Topcat is right you are comeing down from a good weekend. You hit a sub space and now you are feeling after effect of comeing down from it. I would suggest you need to find some one close to you so he can be there for you when you come down. You are going through so much and only yoru Dom can help you with it. This is not a good feeling to be in.

(in reply to slavespirit41)

RE: Long distance relationships - 5/14/2004 2:00:43 PM

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Hello,

I dont mean this in a perjorative sense, but to the Dominant's defense if a person decides to walk a path, the rest are just details to be ironed out.

quote:

i cannot relocate due to family obligations with my child. Yes perhaps the blame is with me, but when you have some holier than thou Dominant trying to convince you that it can work, sometimes even years of convincing as in my last situation, one may tend to bend a bit. i just get tired of Dominants not listening to me as if i don't know what my limits are. i have stood firm this time, but the emails don't seem to end and it just makes me roll my eyes.

On the other hand, it sounds to me like those Dominant types dont really have your best interests at heart. I would suggest you stick to your guns; the right person is out there for you.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to ScorpioMaster)

RE: Long distance relationships - 11/22/2005 4:22:05 AM

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LDR is damn hard! I have been doing it now for 7 months and have 3 more to go. I know for me if I have to ever find someone new, it won't be long distance. It's too hard to love someone and want them to Dom you when you can't see or touch them in person.

You have to do what is right for you.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to Sinergy)

RE: Long distance relationships - 11/22/2005 4:34:09 AM

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Joined: 2/18/2005
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i've been collared to my Mistress, it will be a year on Christmas and the only time i have actually been abel to see Her was last December. i am supposed to go visit Her again this December. talk about hard.

(in reply to Littlepita)

RE: Long distance relationships - 11/22/2005 4:43:38 AM

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From: Pennsylvania
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Long distance relationships are difficult. But I think with the right person, the right circumstances, it can be done. Could be I'm naive too. I've noticed that attraction and geography are inversely related. It's difficult to step outside and find someone in your backyard. What's up with that?

What was the question?

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to michaelMI)

RE: Long distance relationships - 11/22/2005 4:44:36 AM

Rover

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Several observations:

1. There's nothing wrong with deciding for yourself that relocation isn't an option for you.

2. You seem open and honest that relocation isn't an option, so anyone who gets involved with you understands that from the start. They have no reason to complain.

3. I can also understand that your partner may decide they want a relationship to move towards a live-in situation, and determine they need to seek out a relationship in which that's possible (or wait until it's possible with you).

4. In the best of circumstances, long distance relationships are difficult. Very few seem to last for a considerable length of time.

5. You seem to understand your situation very well, and be quite capable of standing up for yourself. I was rather appalled by the suggestion that you make yourself less self-reliant by seeking out a "collar of protection" (gee, that kinda sticks in the throat).

6. Lots of folks will claim to know what's best for you. I'd say that's a red flag right there, because no one knows what's best for you except you.

7. Everyone limits themselves. I won't submit. I don't want a male partner. I won't move to East Mongolia (though West Mongolia may be an option). People telling you that you're limiting yourself either think everyone should make decisions that suit them and their needs, or are trying to manipulate and exploit you, or both.

8. If distant relocation is a hard limit, you could always decide not to consider even beginning a relationship with anyone who resides outside what you consider your local area.

Best of luck.

John

(in reply to slavespirit41)

RE: Long distance relationships - 11/22/2005 4:58:57 AM

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i can't deal w/ distance well either but master isn't but a hop, skip and a jump away....
and the whole net relationship thing sux. couldnt do the o/l cyber thing at all.i have to have that contact.seperation is punishment in my book.i'ld rather beg the whip

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to slavespirit41)

RE: Long distance relationships - 11/22/2005 5:03:14 AM

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the only Dom i found worth speaking to in the entire state i'm in lived further away than Master.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Long distance relationships are difficult. But I think with the right person, the right circumstances, it can be done. Could be I'm naive too. I've noticed that attraction and geography are inversely related. It's difficult to step outside and find someone in your backyard. What's up with that?

What was the question?

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to KatyLied)

RE: Long distance relationships - 11/22/2005 5:44:12 AM

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat
Setting a firm no LDR line is tough, but I am surprised that it isn't being respected by dominants. That sort of tring to bend the rules thing isn't something I see as 'domly'.

I'm surprised you're surprised.

Ending the relationship IS an option here. LDRS are NOT for everyone, and it can allow both people to move on and find good relationships they can enjoy together without the stress of long distance.

Yes, some people manage to make LDRs work, but only if they work towards NOT being LDR over time and have a clear relationship goal (with the exception of bdsm vacation weekend relationships, often due to already being married).

I think it's good that you are working on this and deciding if this sort of day to day life is really best for you both.

(in reply to topcat)

RE: Long distance relationships - 11/22/2005 6:00:42 AM

Rover

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To no one in particular....

Let's keep in mind that that we may quantify the "success" of relationships in different ways. Some may consider any relationship in which they derive pleasure and gratfication as a "success" regardless of distance or length of time. At the other end of the spectrum are folks who define "success" as a permanent, lifetime, 24/7 relationship. And then there are folks at every level in-between.

Point is, we ALL go through "unsuccessful" relationships in our lives (by whatever definition we care to adopt individually), and we ALL have "successful" relationships as well (as defined by the same individual criteria). No one should consider themselves a "failure" based upon realities inherent to the human condition (provided you're not making choices that cause you to be unhappy).

Alright, that did nothing to further this discussion, but I felt compelled to say it.

John

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: Long distance relationships - 11/22/2005 8:11:20 AM

ExistentialSteel

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Joined: 1/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: fyreredsub

the only Dom i found worth speaking to in the entire state i'm in lived further away than Master.

Hey, wait a minute, I live in your state...smile.

Seriously, I drew a circle with on a map around my hometown after an emotionally tiring, long range thing. Even though she came down here a few times from NJ, the relationship did not offer enough for me or her, I suspect. I'll talk to those in Australia or anywhere however if I enjoy their conversation and they like mine, but distance is a tough problem for a relationship.

< Message edited by ExistentialSteel -- 11/22/2005 8:12:12 AM >

_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to fyreredsub)

RE: Long distance relationships - 11/22/2005 8:31:56 AM

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Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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Rover:

quote:

Alright, that did nothing to further this discussion, but I felt compelled to say it.

Okay, we're here for ya.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Rover)

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