Looking For Some Help Here (Full Version)

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heartfeltsub -> Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 3:06:15 AM)

Though the title fits what i am posting about, i think to facilitate getting the help i need, i will need to explain some background. When i was a child i was sexually abused, and although this post touchs on that event, i am not looking for advice about that per se. i have gone through a great deal of counseling and healing in regards to that abuse, but i am still left with some residual effects that i would like some help with.

The specific residual effect that i mean, is that it left me with a very emotional reaction to gagging, either from a gag or from oral sex. i have a fairly high gag reflex, part of which may be symptomatic of the oral sexual abuse of my childhood or it may just be totally a physiological thing. Either way what i need help with is trying to overcome the emotional reaction to the gagging as well as minizing the amount of gagging.

i know that many women actually like giving oral sex a great deal, that is not my reaction to it and although i try to gain pleasure from giving pleasure it is really just a stressful situation that i endure. But i would like it to be something else, i would really like to be able to enjoy giving oral sex. i don't wish to continue to be controlled by this emotional reaction.

So my question is this, i was wondering for those who do enjoy giving oral sex, why do you do so, what goes on mentally when you do so, or do you mentally tune out and just get into the act. i am especially interested in hearing from anyone who once didn't like it and now does.

i realize that i probably should have posted this is the submissive/slave forum, but i am also looking for advice from both sub and Dom as to physical things that i can do to make it easier (ie. if i don't gag as much, then i don't have the emotional reaction) So i am trying to deal with this from a number of sides to try to change this reaction.

Also i realize that i am asking some very personal questions and would welcome any emails on the other side for those who might not want to post their answers in the forum as this is really something that i want to overcome.

Thank you all in advance.

heartfelt



midnyt -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 3:57:54 AM)

good morning heartfelt, i will email you in a little bit. i do understand what you are feeling.
~midnyt~



heartfeltsub -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 4:06:03 AM)

Thank you.



Wolfie648 -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 4:27:17 AM)

Try (self or otherwise) hypnotism. Store bought tapes (have they moved on to CD's or egads Ipod's?). It may help, it may not.

If those don't work and the other person(s) in your life aren't interested, try a professional.

None of the above may work but at least you've tried some avenues.

Childhood is not easily forgotten.

D (owner of j)



heartfeltsub -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 4:41:00 AM)

Thank you Wolfie



OhReallyNow -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 4:58:25 AM)

quote:

i was wondering for those who do enjoy giving oral sex, why do you do so,

this slave truly finds pleasure in giving oral sex to Master. She finds it exciting, and very much a turn on [:)] 
quote:

what goes on mentally when you do so

Master told this slave once that she acted much like a person dying from thirst finding an oasis of water. This slave does not think of much except the pleasure that Master gets from the act; she focuses on that and that alone ( this slave would like to say that Master is a very vocal person [;)] ).
quote:

i am especially interested in hearing from anyone who once didn't like it and now does.

this slave has found through the years that alot depends on the person she is with. She does and did not always like oral with anyone, or everyone; the person she was with had a lot to do with it.




heartfeltsub -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 5:03:42 AM)

May i ask, what makes the difference, level of submission to the person, level of their response? Sorry if that is too personal, i am really trying to find a way to reprogram my response to this.



OhReallyNow -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 5:05:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

May i ask, what makes the difference, level of submission to the person, level of their response? Sorry if that is too personal, i am really trying to find a way to reprogram my response to this.

truthfully, this slave thinks it is the feedback that she gets from the partner. She has found that those who were more vocal during, she enjoyed it more with; while those who were just 'quiet', it was more of a chore with.
 



heartfeltsub -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 5:15:48 AM)

Thank you for answering my question. That does make sense.



Wolfie648 -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 5:16:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

May i ask, what makes the difference, level of submission to the person, level of their response? Sorry if that is too personal, i am really trying to find a way to reprogram my response to this.


Desire. Within yourself. As OhReallyNow has said for her it depended on who she was with.

You need to decide _for yourself_ if it is who you are with, or what you want to do on your own, or whether you want someone else to tell you what it is that you like. I've probably missed a bunch of other possibliities but those seem reasonable within the context of the question/response.

Identify where you would like to be (for yourself) then fill that spot. If you want someone else to identify that spot then let them. If it takes 2 to tango then wait for the right partner.

Whatever works.

If it ain't working move on.

D (owner of j).



midnyt -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 5:19:35 AM)

i deffinately have to agree with ohreallynow. the positve feed back REALLY helps. the growling, the facial expressions, the energy it all helps to make oral an enjoyable act. knowing that you are the one practicaly bringing this man to his knees with the pleasure you are giving him is a HUGE turn on. the feed back afterwards is a major confidense boost. it is sort of a high for me.
~midnyt~



spankmepink11 -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 5:25:20 AM)

Hi Heartfelt,

I'm sorry to hear that  such a wonderful act was made to cause you emotional distress, and it's completely understandable.
 As one who is highly appreciative of the male genitalia, i enjoy the act of fellatio to the extreme. not only asthetically, but due to the fact that this act brings great pleasure to my Partner.  I'm not sure if this  sounds very "submissive" but i also feel that performing fellatio is very empowering, the knowledge  that you can make your partner quiver and tremble with excitement by performing this loving act is almost intoxicating. 
I know it's much easier said than done, but if you can, try and focus only on the pleasure you are giving,   I've enclosed a few links, i hope you find them useful.
I wish you peace and pleasure...
http://sexualpleasurebd-ivil.tripod.com/id7.html

http://www.sexuality.org/l/sex/fellatio.html



gardenbluebird -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 5:37:45 AM)

Since the physical reaction of gagging is playing a major role in your discomfort perhaps a way to approach it is in slow degress with you in charge.  If you are able to approach things at  your own pace then it might be a whole lot more pleasant for you.  Childhood abuse was out of your control, but giving pleasure is something that can be done within your control.  Don't treat it like a race, treat it like a gentle exploration.  Start when you want to, stop when you want to.  You can also give pleasure with orally without actually having it inside your mouth.  Nuzzle, kiss, lick rather than do anything that might cause gagging.  Make it pleasant and fun within your own limits and at your own pace expand those limits.

Having a partner who truly enjoys what you are willing and able to give, and who wants you to enjoy yourself too makes all the difference.



withthesewings -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 5:44:10 AM)

These are just my thoughts, and it's not much, but I think if you conveyed all that you have told us here to your partner/Dom..whatever, because communication is very important, they would understand. (If they are not some sort of monster or something!) Your want/intent, desire, is surely there...it counts for alot!!



becca333 -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 6:10:23 AM)

I hated doing it, even in cyber play I'd refuse, the thought of it was a complete turnoff.

And then I met my current Dom, and suddenly I loved doing it.  I like touching him, feeling that instant response, I love giving him so much pleasure - as spankmepink says, it's incredibly empowering.  There's the satisfaction of a job well done, the intimacy of it, the lovely reciprocity (he's VERY talented!)

Don't worry about it for now - if you don't like doing it, it's a hard limit for you and should be respected.  Maybe one day, with the right partner, you'll be able to do it without stress.  And if you don't - well, there's a lot of other great things you can do.You don't have to justify your preferences to anyone.




LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 6:30:45 AM)

For me it's another way to be "open and receiving" the other person.  It's a way to give direct and intense pleasure to the other person.  It's a way for me to become literally connected to the person. 

Reposted:
Frankly, due to jaw problems and small mouth, I use my mouth only 30% of the time doing oral sex.

My generic method is to start with my hands- massage the cock, scratch the balls a bit, get the blood flowing so you can start to sense when it's getting hard.

Then I use my mouth to lick it gently, get it more sensitized and a bit wet.  This is about the only time I put my mouth into the cock- when it's still only half hard and can fit easily, and I can roll my tongue around it inside.

After that, I keep my mouth almost completely on the head, which is the most sensitive, just licking and keeping saliva flowing so that my hands, which are doing all of the shaft work by stroking regularly. The fingers cover more area and are more manipulative than the tongue and you can keep the pace going much better than with your mouth alone.

So, teeth aren't a problem at all.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_519839/mpage_1/key_oral%252Csex/tm.htm#519948
Deep Throating Issues

http://www.collarchat.com/m_102139/mpage_1/key_oral%252Csex/tm.htm#102249
blowing without pain

http://www.collarchat.com/m_438896/mpage_1/key_small%252Cmouth/tm.htm#438919
blowjobs with as little teeth as possible?




deltadawn -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 7:32:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

So my question is this, i was wondering for those who do enjoy giving oral sex, why do you do so, what goes on mentally when you do so, or do you mentally tune out and just get into the act. i am especially interested in hearing from anyone who once didn't like it and now does.

Thank you all in advance.

heartfelt



I enjoy giving oral sex.  I find it exciting and personal.  His reactions to it trigger a much deeper orgasm for me also.  And just as another posted before me, it is the one time I really feel I am the complete reason for his pleasure.

Gagging is something that happens to the best of us, don't let that get you down.  Like others have said there are many ways your mouth can bring him pleasure than the 'deep throat' technique.  Sensual licking, kissing, sucking on the head, teasing that slit with the tip of your tongue. Go slowly, bring him the pleasure you so want to bring him.

(okay getting graphic so will stop there.)

dawn



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 7:37:44 AM)

I enjoy giving oral because I know it gives him pleasure and I frankly enjoy doing it. I understand your need to want to do it but it might be something you can't do because of the trauma you suffered. Good luck to you.



Lorelei115 -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 7:49:38 AM)

I enjoy giving oral because I like the control it gives me. I like to make peope react, and theres nothing that makes a man or woman react quite like bringing them to orgasm with your mouth. Knowing I can "force" their bodies to react to me... "force" them to moan and writhe for me... its a power rush that has never gotten old, no matter how many times I do it.

Just a view from the other side. ;)




sapphirepleasure -> RE: Looking For Some Help Here (9/20/2006 7:53:23 AM)

heartfelt,

I can identify because I never had much problem with gagging until a 'dominant' held me by the head and repeatedly forced himself down my throat, causing me to throw up.  It was a horribly traumatic experience and after that I struggled for a while to learn to relax again. 

I think it has a lot to do with my partner, being able to trust him, and open up to him (emotionally and physically).  I've mostly overcome this with practice, but I know it must be more of a challenge since your memories and responses are from such an early age.

I do think that being comfortable with your partner and focusing on giving him pleasure is a key, but also I sometimes will do more external kissing and pleasuring until I get past the urge to gag, if that makes sense.

good luck,
sp



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