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RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/15/2005 9:09:44 PM

subjolynn

Posts: 13
Joined: 3/7/2005
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I dont know about you if i was not alowed to use safe words even in punishment i would be finding a new master. Safe words is a must. Even being a slave there are limits and should be able to use safe words.

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Post #: 41

RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/15/2005 9:39:53 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subjolynn

I dont know about you if i was not alowed to use safe words even in punishment i would be finding a new master. Safe words is a must. Even being a slave there are limits and should be able to use safe words.

I have to say I disagree. With some people, their relationship has evolved, or exists such that they don't need or use safewords. With my partner, I simply -tell- him what is going on. I don't need a safeword, as such, because I am going to tell him "this hurts very badly" or "my feet are going numb"

He expects me to keep him informed about how I'm feeling, in all situations. We aknowledge that in mock-force situations it is often necessary to have some sort of "code" word, but we seldom indulge in play rape or anything similar. in situations where I am begging him to stop something, he simply has to ask -exactly- how I feel and I will tell him. Too, he is able to read my reactions well enough that he -knows- what's going on.

So, I can say that I don't have safewords, in theory and in practice, even when I am being punished.

This isn't to say safewords aren't effective for some/most, simply to assure you that no, safewords are NOT a necessity.

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Post #: 42

RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/15/2005 10:47:44 PM

PrincessWordSex

Posts: 8
Joined: 3/15/2005
From: New Zealand
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I've been in one D/s relationship and that was way before I knew any 'facts' about things. It was just the way he treated me, and I liked it for the most part. No safe words, no theory, he punished me often beyond what I wanted and I let him...

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Post #: 43

RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/21/2005 11:05:53 PM

Mondschein

Posts: 52
Joined: 3/23/2004
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I know you are getting many responses to your comment, but I just wanted to say that respect is not achieved by inducing fear. Also, it seems that he's taking his anger out on you, and many times this anger doesn't have to do with you at all. This is not the way things should be done. You should not be scared of your Master. In the end, both him and you have to be pleased for the relationship to grow. Safe words are very important and no one can deny you of that. If that happens, play turns into abuse. Also, your childern are your first priority and if a man can't understand that and is too selfish to accept that, that man is not good for you. All the best, and be safe.

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Post #: 44

RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/21/2005 11:49:19 PM

jenniferInPA

Posts: 8
Joined: 2/27/2005
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i'm sorry. i just can't assume everything is going to work out for the best. We are talking of someone in a position of power, who is making threats beyond what was agreed on (no safe word allowed). A punishment while angry. And so hard the paddle broke. This is not a loving supportive relationship. These are the classic signs of abuse. Especially when you include the requirement that the children not come first. We aren't talking of adult friends here. We are talking of children.

What's next? Punish mom in front of the children so they can see what trouble they get mom into?

I've lived through abusive situations. They are not erotically scarry. They are plain terror! Every abusive person I've ever met was convinced it wasn't their fault they got mad and punished the victim. It was the victim's fault.

You need to step back and view the situation not only as your relationship with your partner, but also with your kids in the mix. They are still your main priority. If you are helpless, how would you be able to get him to stop if he were to threaten the kids? Or if they needed you for an emergency?

I'm not using capitols as I usually do, because this isn't about role play right now. This is about safety of all concerned. Safe and sane is more than just a catch phrase. It is important reality.

The anger issues need to be dealt with before you think of allowing yourself back into a helpless situation. I don't care if you or your partner is male or female. Safe and consensual is safe and consensual.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you,
Jenny

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Post #: 45

RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/24/2005 3:27:25 AM

marcsincharge

Posts: 4
Joined: 2/18/2005
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If a sub has children I make it very clear that they come first, and if I give an order that conflicts with her duties towards them then she MUST say so and not be afraid.

Otherwise what kind of Dom does that make me?

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Post #: 46

RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/24/2005 5:47:42 AM

norseteddybear

Posts: 5
Joined: 2/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic

quote:

ORIGINAL: subjolynn

I dont know about you if i was not alowed to use safe words even in punishment i would be finding a new master. Safe words is a must. Even being a slave there are limits and should be able to use safe words.

I have to say I disagree. With some people, their relationship has evolved, or exists such that they don't need or use safewords. With my partner, I simply -tell- him what is going on. I don't need a safeword, as such, because I am going to tell him "this hurts very badly" or "my feet are going numb"

He expects me to keep him informed about how I'm feeling, in all situations. We aknowledge that in mock-force situations it is often necessary to have some sort of "code" word, but we seldom indulge in play rape or anything similar. in situations where I am begging him to stop something, he simply has to ask -exactly- how I feel and I will tell him. Too, he is able to read my reactions well enough that he -knows- what's going on.

So, I can say that I don't have safewords, in theory and in practice, even when I am being punished.

This isn't to say safewords aren't effective for some/most, simply to assure you that no, safewords are NOT a necessity.

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Post #: 47

RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/24/2005 6:04:54 AM

norseteddybear

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Joined: 2/25/2005
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I just want to say this ........In any play be it with a partner or with a life partner there is always limits and sometimes these limits are pushed...NOW THIS IS WHERE WE SEPERATE OURSELFS FROM ANIMALS..
We have the ability to voice or pleasure or displeasure..We vocalise pleasure in one way or another..usually a moan(be it loud or soft) or in our words..That is good.I love that...or YES!...as far as pain there is no way to miss that clue......Be it given by the simple THAT HURTS(CODE WORD) to a partner in tears..
Now I am switch...But I do watch my partner and if it seems that she is not enjoyinmg what we are doing...I will stop all play and find out what went wrong..
But as far as this BEAST(YES BEAST) we are all talking about ..It sounds like to me that he never took the time to grow up and become a Loving caring adult.
When it comes to children..They did not ask to be brought into this world..But they are here and they deserve everything we have to give,Be it love,Education,correction...
But......THEY SHOULD NEVER BE SECOND TO ANYTHING OR ANYONE.!!!

I sure hope you get a chance to read all of these postings and maybe have a clearer veiw of what he is doing to you and your kids....
beat of thoughts........

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Post #: 48

RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/24/2005 7:07:22 AM

ruffnecksbabygir

Posts: 412
Joined: 1/4/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: conflicted

Thank-you so much for your replies.

quote:

Please clarify this for me, what did you say that was hurtful to your Master? Is that why you are being punished?

He was annoyed that i hadnt completed writing my lines (another punishment) but i told Him that i was unable because my children were present. He replied that He comes first...to which i replied in quite a catty fashion, that i dont come first to Him all the time either, sometimes it seems..if ever

I will be seeing Him this afternoon, so i will let you know what happens

thanks again

n

ok, i just read up to this post and it disturbed me.

your concern was about the safe word? IMHO, i think there are larger issues here like the fact he would even consider the notion that he comes before your kids. i adore my Master, i live for him, but he knows my son is first and foremost, no matter what. i don't see how any person can expect to be placed above anyones children.

good luck

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Babygirl

:Disclaimer: The above is only this slave's opinion:

"And Those Who Danced Were Thought To Be Quite Insane By Those Who Could Not Hear The Music" -- Angela Monet

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Post #: 49

RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/24/2005 7:13:47 AM

ruffnecksbabygir

Posts: 412
Joined: 1/4/2005
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quote:

You are absolutely right. i know my responsibilities, as a parent, and also my responsibilities as a sub, however i do not wish those two worlds to collide, as the consequences is something i could not bare.
He understands this, and in our time together, my children have never been an issue. He treats them with love and respect
i have faith in Him and believe that He has listened to my concerns.

i thank you all again for your support and time.

ok, just read this after i posted previously ...

very glad to have read this! i know how hard it can be to struggle both parenting and a relationship, specially D/s which can be very time consuming but sounds to me like you know what you're doing.
good luck! : )

~hugs~
babygirl

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~hugs~
Babygirl

:Disclaimer: The above is only this slave's opinion:

"And Those Who Danced Were Thought To Be Quite Insane By Those Who Could Not Hear The Music" -- Angela Monet

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RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/24/2005 7:17:46 AM

stormsfate

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Joined: 2/1/2005
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I'm not even going to get into the safeword issue because I don't agree with much of what has been posted here, but don't feel a need to debate it.

My question would be whether or not there was really no opportunity for you to complete your lines as instructed. I mean...did he give the instruction, your children arrived immediately thereafter and you were with them every second since they arrived and really didn't have the chance? Or was the scenario more along the lines that he gave you the instructions maybe the day before, and for whatever reason it was not done and then the children were there so you didn't get to finish it? Just curious...

best regards,
fate

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RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/24/2005 6:20:23 PM

FLButtSlut

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Obviously, this man either has no children or couldn't care less about them if it doesn't meet his needs of the moment. Claiming to make that statement becaue he wanted to test your ability to control your reaction is nonsense. You didn't FAIL. You were 100% right that any parent would react the same way when feeling that their relationship with their children is being threatened. I also find it interesting what you said to him, that it seems he hardly if ever puts you first. Problems here are running way deeper than just your children.

It seems to me that this man is, sadly, what I have seen way too much of on this site...An abusive man using the title of "dom" to justify his actions. If you can't leave this man for you, leave him for your children before it is too late!

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Post #: 52

RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/25/2005 4:49:01 PM

Voltare

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
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Real quick...

Abuse is a terrible thing. Anger has no place in discipline. Discipline isn't about 'revenge' it's about ensuring a particular behavior isn't repeated. 'Mock' anger, on the other hand, is quite effective (though I much prefer the mock 'I'm so dissappointed in you. You know better.')

These have nothing to do with Safe Words.

I don't use Safe Words. Yelling out 'Rheutabega' in a scene just isn't the best way I can imagine to end it. There are too many issues, sub space for example, where the submissive might not even be able to say their own name, nevermind some arcane word. Instead, I use real communication. I tell her to just say my name if it's too much. If it hurts, she should tell me. If it hurts and she likes it... well, she should tell me that too.

Safe words aren't about safety, they're simply one way of many to encourage communication. I think they are best used by casual players who don't have the time or interest to develop (in the short term) the communication level between each other, to know when enough is enough, or too much. Over relying on a safe word is as dangerous as doing penetration games with a stick of dynamite. It might not hurt the first few times, but it's an explosion waiting to happen.

Stephan

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Post #: 53

RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/25/2005 7:48:04 PM

proudsub

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quote:

I tell her to just say my name if it's too much.

That sounds like a safe word to me.

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proudsub

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RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/26/2005 5:06:04 AM

truelyinsatiable

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Well, this is a interesting post to say the least. I have been in D/s for going on 12 years now. I have only had One that I could truly call Master, others have just been well, play. In this 11 years that we speak of, I have been fortunate (or unfortunate) to have never used a safe word. He had given me the option to use or not to use. I guess I just opted never to use. There were times yes, when things became to intense, to the point I thought I would lose myself and never to return, but he always knew when to much , was well, to much. I trusted him not to take me to that point, and he never did. I believe had I used it, he would've respected it. That being said, he had never restricted my use of that word/signal, although I never opted to use it.

If it doesn't feel right, don't go with it. There is nothing that can replace your trust, I suggest discussing this with him. He might just be testing you to see how far you are really willing to go. It shoulds as if he has left the decsion up to you, where you take it, well, only time will tell. Best of luck!

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If I could come back to this world as anything, I'd wish to be one of your tears. What more could one want to be conceived in your heart, to be borne into your eyes, to live on your cheeks, and then to die on your lips?

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RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/28/2005 5:38:28 PM

Voltare

Posts: 841
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From: Santiago, Chile
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quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub

That sounds like a safe word to me.

Ahhh.... but it's not! It doesn't mean I will 'stop immediately and go into coddle mode.' It doesn't mean that she can use it to take control of the situation. It's just one way of her telling me 'it's too much' without having to say those words (which can be just as much a stigma as any safeword.)

My issue with safewords has nothing to do with the idea - the idea of them is great! My issue is that it can be taken to construe 'replacing' the vital communication and interaction with a band-aid. It's best suited for 'play' partners who don't have the time or inclination to actually get to know who they are playing with, but not the best idea beyond that. I would think that a Dominant will know what activities his submissive would agree to before the toys come out of the bag in the first place.

Safewords aren't the holy grail of safety. Like any other toy in the box, they're only as good as the people who uses them.

The other issue, though, of the 'punishment..... and safeword won't save you' could have been intended a hundred different ways. The only way to know would be to ask the Dominant directly - 'are you saying that you intend to actually hurt me?' would be the quick answer. If he's speaking in anger, and realizes it, or it's an isolated incident, it could probably be just one of a hundred stupid things that Doms say. If it's a pattern of behavior, then obviously the Dom in question needs a primer on anger management and discipline 101.

Stephan

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RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/28/2005 5:44:56 PM

MrKite

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I can't believe that anybody would try to justify any actions when a punishment is delivered in anger. I'm sorry but there is just no excuse for that. A Dom is supposed to be in control of both his sub and above all himself. Punsishment done in anger is not punsihment or play, its ABUSE and borders on things illegal. I would suggest you not even get near this guy until you work out this issue. Geez people its Safe, Sane and Consensual, remember that? Punisment in anger violates two of the three. If you have to wonder about that you shouldn't be here.

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RE: safe word not allowed?? - 3/29/2005 1:07:33 PM

stormsfate

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Am I the only one here that thinks we have heard one side of the situation and perhaps we shouldn't jump to conclusions? I sure wish this guy would pop up and give his version of the events.

Reminds me of the time my owner was teasing my unmentionables about locking me in the closet so they could sneak some icecream or some such nonsense. You wouldn't believe the grief that one little joke caused.

On the other hand...why not lets all just base this guy's whole character on a paragraph of words typed on a computer monitor and crucify him. Its so much more fun, isn't it?

f

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