justheather
Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: marieToo
[If you don't mind my asking, what do you think it (the conflict/disequilibrium) stems from?
Well, I could explore that with/in front of you, marie, but Im either chickenshit or you have bumped up against one of my healthy boundaries :-).
I would imagine that the sources of conflict for someone in our particular position could be numerous and varied. The first one that comes to mind is that dilemma of reconciling one's consensually submitting to/inflicting pain upon a willing partner when most people in our society would consider the behavior abuse. Beyond that, perhaps on a more intimate level, I think that when people are together a long time and their dynamic takes its shape within the framework of a marriage or committed long-term relationship, there are several different "dances" going on at any given time. Some of the steps from dance A might present and internal conflict when switching to dance B.
And of course there is the conflict that some people feel about performing acts that are "dirty". You covered this idea when you expressed so nicely how much you enjoy giving over responsibility for your dirty-ness. For some people part of the kink includes retaining it.
As for myself, it could be any number of things at any given moment. None of which, though, do I feel the need to address in some sort of "fix it" mode. The conflict is part of the process. It is part of my life. There will always be, to some degree, in some situation or other, internal conflict. And you are correct, for me, one of the most blissful moments is the one where I acknowledge the conflict and "do it anyway"
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Sometimes the unpleasantries begin without warning. My parasypathetic nervous system does not have an opportunity to prime my body for acceptance. When that happens, it's all about the fight or flight feelings...the hyper-awareness, the quickening pulse, the butterflies in the stomach. Usually just after I become aware of these sensations, I try very hard to be present with the physical sensations associated with whatever is going on. The sense of conflict comes back over me in intermittent waves until Im just too tired to be conflicted and there is nothing left but the sweet release of tears and a wonderful endorphin rush.
I'm not clear if this is something that you like or something that you find challenging.
No, I do not find it challenging. It's like labor pains. I know it is going to happen. It's a temporary discomfort, varying in degree, that is going to yield, in the end, a reward, however non-tangible, that I treasure. It is part of the process. At this point in our relationship, I also know that it is going to pass, which enables me to inhabit it more fully and less fearfully.
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But I wonder if eventually we (you, me, any random S type) experience the fight/flight reaction to a lesser degree as trust builds up. I dont mean trust in physical safety (Im going to assume thats a given for any intelligent woman) but I mean trust that your partner isnt going to do emotional harm. I wonder if eventually the choice becomes "fight, flight or just surrender ; surrender to the madness of it all without thinking, without needing to wonder, without needing a reason other than its what he wants.
That's a beautiful idea.
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I wonder if it's actually being down on the mat, spent, crying and defenseless that we (you, me, any random S type) get off on, or if its the "fight" that we go through on the way down, that stimulates so much. when I say 'the fight' I mean the conflict itself. Maybe its necessary for some of us, as a part of the bent. I don't know.
I dont know. I do think that the internal conflict sweetens the interaction for me, personally. Not so much in that I "get off on it" but on another level, every time I find a way to infuse meaning or to let go or just simply grit my teeth and Be Good for Daddy, I undergo some degree of spiritual growth. It has to do with trust, with intimacy, with letting go of control, with giving my my right to "be understood", my right to explain. It gives me an opportunity to be selfless, which for me constitutes spiritual practice.
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In my own case, Ive never really been long term (say at least a year) with anyone in a Ds relationship where I can speak to this or say "hey I finally reached a point where the fight/ flight stuff has lifted and Im not so nerve-racked any longer, and hey, I like experiencing my submission this way". For me personally, it's still an unknown.
May I suggest (of course this is probably not a new idea to you) that the fact that it is an unknown to you at this point, the fact that your nerves are still ever-so-racked may be something really special and wonderful and an opportunity for you to sit and even roll around in that mudpuddle of conflict.
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Now THAT would be some kinky shit.
Never officially the hokey-pokey, but there has been a good amount of goose-bumped-numb-toed hokey looking dancing on my part.
As for the pokey... well, that Im not at liberty to discuss.
< Message edited by justheather -- 12/7/2006 5:51:58 PM >
_____________________________
I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins
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RE: How submissiveness feels - 
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