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A dilemma with our boy - 2/18/2005 4:48:46 PM

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I know that a few of the people on here are familiar with Holly and me and our situation with our boys, and for those of you who are, I already know your thoughts, so ... for my sake, please don't repost them.

As some background, Holly and I have two submissives, one of them lives with us and has for about a year. He is a truck driver though, and often on the road. He's home for maybe 3 days every three weeks.
Holly is sick, and getting sicker. She has a lot of the symptoms of fibro myalgia (weakness, random joint pain, uncontrolable pain ... ) but not all of them. She also has a broken wrist and gets migraines. She went to see a doctor today ... and he did absolutely jack shit for her.
In the meantime, our second boy was supposed to be here for my birthday (early Dec.), then he decided he needed to stay with his family because it was their first Christmas without his grandfather, who was a very important member of his family ... ok, no problem, we can deal with that. So now he is supposed to be here between Christmas and New Years ... but wait, his brother is now an Eagle Scout and he promised his brother that if he finished, he would be at the Eagle Court to honor him, so now we are talking the end of January (in the meantime, he got called to jury duty, so he would have had to stay a little bit longer anyway). So he told us "January 28" ... but on the 14th, he still hadn't turned in his 2 weeks notice at work, so it wasn't going to happen. He finally told us why he was really putting it off - he had made a promise to his ex that he wouldn't leave the area until she was ok with it ... now, he has never ever said anything good about her, and he has painted her in the best light possible - she is a manipulative, psycho who shows a lot of signs that she doesn't love anyone but herself, so ... yeah ... she's never going to be ok with him leaving, no matter how slow he makes the process. We dealt with all of this because he has some psych issues that he needs to deal with, and we were trying to be patient with him. We also love him, and want what is best for him. So we did finally get him making progress a few weeks ago, but now with Holly being sick, we just can't wait any longer for him. We need someone here now, and because we already love him and are quite attached to him, we want it to be him.

We told him tonight that he has one week to either tell us that he isn't coming, or to give us a date. So, I guess my question is, were we too harsh or were we too lenient (and yes, I already know that most people will think this)?

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/18/2005 5:43:31 PM

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Seems to me that he has already let you know what his decision is. And he's told you in a way that also says a lot about his character.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/18/2005 5:50:02 PM

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*sniffle* I know ... I guess I just have too much hope for him. I am just so attached to him and I hate to think that we have wasted almost a year on him when others are just dying for the chance.

(in reply to MsSilvie)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/18/2005 5:54:23 PM

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I want to know how long you've been together and how much time you've spent together rt.

If it's not much- then let it go.

If you've spent significant time, push him.

In the end it is his choice, but you've laid something down firmly and it's up to him. I think pushing for the right choice would be justified.

However- long term, will his usefulness to you and your family outweigh the wishy-washy parts of his personality?

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/18/2005 6:14:07 PM

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Overall, we've been talking to him for about a year - we have actually spent a month together rt ... us being stuck in the midwest and him being on the west coast - that makes skin to skin difficult at best.

When he was here, he was here for just under 3 weeks ... all 4 of us were here, Holly, our other boy, and me were here at least during 2 of the 3 weeks he was here. He fit in with us quite well ... which is why we were trying so hard to make it work, even with him being a flake. *sigh*

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/18/2005 7:00:49 PM

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You also need someone you can count on and based on what You have described he is not going to be the one. Actions tell a lot about the person. I certain think You have been reasonable giving him a week to decide and not too harsh at all in My opinion.

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(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/18/2005 9:15:35 PM

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quote:

So, I guess my question is, were we too harsh or were we too lenient

I think you were loving - and he just didn't return that love in a responsible manner. Its always painful to learn such things.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/18/2005 10:04:23 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

He finally told us why he was really putting it off - he had made a promise to his ex that he wouldn't leave the area until she was ok with it ... now, he has never ever said anything good about her, and he has painted her in the best light possible - she is a manipulative, psycho who shows a lot of signs that she doesn't love anyone but herself, so ... yeah ... she's never going to be ok with him leaving, no matter how slow he makes the process. We dealt with all of this because he has some psych issues that he needs to deal with, and we were trying to be patient with him. We also love him, and want what is best for him. So we did finally get him making progress a few weeks ago, but now with Holly being sick, we just can't wait any longer for him. We need someone here now, and because we already love him and are quite attached to him, we want it to be him.

If you love him and want him to be well, that does mean you want him to be well with or without you. If I were in your situation, I would make it clear to him that you care about him, you want him to be part of your family, but you are unwilling to wait, especially since he is delaying and misleading you about the situation. Tell him that he's still important to you, but that you are opening your search up again. Until you have filled that position, you are willing to keep him in consideration, but I wouldn't continue to treat him as if he has already committed to moving. Go back to giving him the same consideration as you would any potential live-in. Don't talk about "when he moves in", talk about "if".

This should open up some honest and transparent discussion. You are not trying to be manipulative with your position. You are putting the ball in his court. Be prepared that he may never move. Nothing you say to me indicates strongly that he really is driven to move in with you. But this way, you aren't terminating the friendship and closeness that you have built up over the last year.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/18/2005 11:35:56 PM

NATI

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You have priorities in your lives that take precedance. There is someone in your household who is ill, and that illlness has placed undue stress on you already. His waffling at this stage will only excaberbate that situation - and you need to diminish and not increase those stresses. It sounds like you love him, and love him very much - but it sounds like you have done everything you CAN do. If he is unwilling to return in the time frame that you gave him (very reasonable given the history) than it really is time to move on and let him go. I can't see this as being very good for anybody at this point.

(in reply to MsSilvie)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/18/2005 11:40:52 PM

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The first Dom i lived with had fibro, i also met another with it and untill i entered the lifestyle never heard of it. i wonder if it is related.
Anyway if he dosen't make the break now he probably won't in the future. There are many submissive fish in the sea as they say.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/19/2005 1:19:16 AM

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I am sorry I don't really have any insights on your situation. But I had a quick look at your profile and saw that you have a unique set up. Just wondering how do your dad's (both with guns!) take to your relatively far-out lifestyle choices, when they wouldn't accept the highly mundane idea of an inter-racial couple?

Hope you don't mind the question, being a huge wildlife (and pets) person myself, I got a good vibe from your profile.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/19/2005 2:22:12 AM

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Sounds somewhat similar to my situation with my Mistress. She set a hard limit on me and that made me change around. She did it in a loving fashion of course. Your course of action isn't harsh at all, it is realistic.

"they say that a man that fears nothing loves nothing"

(in reply to GordonFreeman)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/19/2005 4:07:00 AM

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From: long island, ny
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my suggestion would be to let him know that You think it's best he not come out to You...now, i'd wait for about a month after You tell him, if he really wants to come out to You, he'll contact You again about coming out...and at that time, You and he can work out exactly when he'll come out to You...no extensions or stories accepted...if he doesn't contact You about trying again, within that period of time, he likely was never going to come out to begin with.

Of course, this is easy for me to say, as i have no emotion tied up in this sub...but that's my suggestion.

sting

(in reply to WulfMan)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/19/2005 5:21:25 AM

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I guess I don't understand why an x wife has anything to say about him leaving. Divorce is giving up those rights! Just my opinion. Dave

(in reply to sting516)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/19/2005 5:27:58 AM

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I was in that situation not so long ago. One excuse after another with the constant promise of coming and the "I truly want to be there and I want to belong to you". I couldn't get a definate date out of him until I finally got tired of if told him it was off. Then suddenly everything changed, he was able to get online at times he had never been able to before (hmmm), when we told him that the stuff he had left here was sitting on the porch and he could come get it or it would be trash, amazingly enough he showed up the next day to get it.... where before there was no way he could get out here through the week. Maybe my own baggage right now clouds my thoughts on your problem, or maybe it casts a new light. Either way, I wish you the very best and my prayers are with you and yours through this health crisis you are now going through.

Jewel

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Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/19/2005 6:20:37 AM

Redb

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sting516

let him know that You think it's best he not come out to You...now, i'd wait for about a month after You tell him, if he really wants to come out to You, he'll contact You again about coming out...and at that time,

I agree with Sting. Its harsh but fair. You have to consider your feelings in this too and having to site waiting and wondering so much when your OH is so ill, its hugely annoying. I wouldnt write him off because i think he's just chancing it that you'll give him more time but he has to make that definitive decision and Now. You've been waiting a long time already. I know you are attached to him, but rather cut the ties now, than drag it out and be more hurt three months down the line when he has another excuse.

You seem like such lovely caring people, he should be really honoured that you want him so much. Wish you the best of luck and hope Holly feels better soon.

Red
x

(in reply to sting516)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/19/2005 7:17:12 AM

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From: Tidewater, VA
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M. Karen-

In my dotage I have become a little more rigid about situations like this. Scene or no scene, at the second strike, wheather it be a failure to call, or a failure to show (with or with out reasonable excuses) I simple assume that I am being played, and stop extending any further effort.

Which doesn't mean I shut off communication, nor will I extend my self to attempting any sort of corrective behavior- if we are all adults, I expect that they will be aware of their failure, and will make some fairly heroic efforts to correct it. That's on them. I don't make a judgement concerning the situtation, I just assume that the person will either step up, or not, and accept that.

There are a whole lot of people in this enviorment that are unable to actualise their desires, that are unable to make the step to what they want. I am not going to drag them along. I don't close the door, but I do stop waiting at it, and I learned long ago that Zeno's paradox applies to human relations too- that no matter how many times I go halfway, I'll never get there unless they are stepping right up to meet me- and I am tired of standing way out there, alone.

Stay Warm,
Lawrence

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-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/19/2005 9:55:38 AM

NATI

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quote:

There are a whole lot of people in this enviorment that are unable to actualise their desires, that are unable to make the step to what they want. I am not going to drag them along. I don't close the door, but I do stop waiting at it, and I learned long ago that Zeno's paradox applies to human relations too- that no matter how many times I go halfway, I'll never get there unless they are stepping right up to meet me- and I am tired of standing way out there, alone.

Perfect 10. You have great insights.

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For most of history, Anonymous was a woman

Virginia Woolf

(in reply to topcat)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/19/2005 9:55:42 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GordonFreeman

I am sorry I don't really have any insights on your situation. But I had a quick look at your profile and saw that you have a unique set up. Just wondering how do your dad's (both with guns!) take to your relatively far-out lifestyle choices, when they wouldn't accept the highly mundane idea of an inter-racial couple?

Hope you don't mind the question, being a huge wildlife (and pets) person myself, I got a good vibe from your profile.

Officially, our families know nothing. Holly and I have been best friends for many years (since high school) and as far as they know, officially, anyway, that is all that we still are. We are sure that our mothers know, but our fathers are clueless, and if we are lucky, they will remain so.

(in reply to GordonFreeman)

RE: A dilemma with our boy - 2/19/2005 10:00:00 AM

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quote:

We are sure that our mothers know, but our fathers are clueless, and if we are lucky, they will remain so.

LOL Not to mention your boys' luck!

Hope it all works out either with this prospect or another

best,
Joshua

_____________________________

"Egotism is the anesthetic which nature gives us to deaden the pain of being a fool." - Dr Herbert Schofield

(in reply to SweetDommes)

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