quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen

Zuerst muess ich mich bei ZenDragoness entschuldigen; das war nie meine Absicht, Ihr Thema/Ihre Frage zu ubernehmen! Und ja Sie haben rechts - elf Jahren ist ein Rahmen fuer mich; bis dann leb' ich weiter, aber bis dann ist es elf Jahren mehr, insgesamt wird es 16 Jahren sein, seitdem ich Liebe gehabt habe. Wenn mir kommt keine Liebe waehrend der kommenden elf Jahren, dann nehm' ich meine erwaehnte Loesung. Das Leben, ohne Liebe ist kein Leben, meiner Meinung nach, und das ist kein Selbstmord, weil ich schon tot bin.

E

quote:

But then....just when I wasn't looking, it happened, and I fell into the kind of love I had previously decided was unrealistic; real intimacy, deep trust and connectedness. Frankly, I still think I wear a defective stamp, although mine is only obvious to the one who loves and knows me. He is well aware of those broken, defective places and seems to love those parts of me as much as my healthier places.

quote:

ORIGINAL: darksdesire


These are the healing powers of love, that every love can (and should) provide and i am most happy that  He crossed your path and you his.

Ruth



< Message edited by ZenDragoness -- 12/19/2006 10:48:26 PM >

_____________________________

aka Morgaine289

http://goldenerkern.blogspot.com/

(in reply to darksdesire)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen



The only way now to solve my situation is suicide. I have to bide until 2018, when my youngest will be grown up, though to be honest as the weeks go by, I grow less sure that I will manage to achieve that. It could be said to be selfish of me, but by then I will have been alone and in despair for sixteen years. Indeed, I'm only sticking around now for the sake of my kids, who would be doomed to poverty without me. I shall provide as much as I can for them, and sixteen years' effort to do that I hardly regard as selfish.

Some will say that I am being silly, that I am depressed and so on, and cannot see a way forward. Or that love will come my way again, and I am being too gloomy. But the fact is, I am defective, I am a reject, I am an embarassment, I am undesirable.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen

I wish I had never loved.

There was only one who had any interest in me, and before that I had made myself immune to love and even friendship, because both of those had always been absent from my life or when they had come along, turned out to be abusive. But, I succumbed.

It is five years since the break up of my one and only relationship, on New Year's Day. A relationship which had lasted fifteen years. I believed, with naivete bordering on insanity, that I was loved, that I could trust. Stupid. Even more stupid that I brought it all on myself through the criminal act of revealing feelings.

For in the meantime, I had lost my immunity to feelings and emotion. Five years on, there is still not one night I go to bed that I do not wake from with regret. Five lonely years on, and I know damned sure that as wonderful a person as I am, I am damned to loneliness forever, and regretful that I no longer have the ability to switch off the hurt of the world and the desire to love and be loved.

The only way now to solve my situation is suicide. I have to bide until 2018, when my youngest will be grown up, though to be honest as the weeks go by, I grow less sure that I will manage to achieve that. It could be said to be selfish of me, but by then I will have been alone and in despair for sixteen years. Indeed, I'm only sticking around now for the sake of my kids, who would be doomed to poverty without me. I shall provide as much as I can for them, and sixteen years' effort to do that I hardly regard as selfish.

Some will say that I am being silly, that I am depressed and so on, and cannot see a way forward. Or that love will come my way again, and I am being too gloomy. But the fact is, I am defective, I am a reject, I am an embarassment, I am undesirable. Its a strange mixture for the counselling types - a healthy sense of self esteem, along with a clear view of a hopeless situation which can have only one characteristic and one outcome.

Dont get me wrong; I get plenty of interest, but only up to a point. Up to that point all is well, but once that point is reached, the defective stamp and reject label is applied and the person feels embarassment and all desire evaporates for them. Such is the way for the likes of me. An HIV infected drug user with syphilis has a better chance than me. Simple.

It wouldnt be so bad, if only it didnt hurt. If only I could recapture that ability to feel nothing, desire and fear nothing. If only I had never loved, never succumbed to feeling, I could now be without despair.

E

quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

snip

We all hurt, the only solice you have is that you are not alone in your hurting. There are plenty out there just like you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

To the op and to all who have criticized: I reread your post. My original response although harsher then I intended still stands.

In Western culture we have this rediculous notion of death. We all seem so unprepared when it comes...yet if my knowledge of history is correct it will inevitably consume us all....
That's true. Death in America is often whitewashed and not dealt with. Not surprising, considering our obsession with youth.
Then why the horrible, paralyzing loss? Our family, though obviously different from many, celebrates the death of loved ones with a huge party...even those deaths not forseeable...It was always a celebration of life.
Every grief experience is different. The way individuals go through the process is influenced by culture, family tradition, personality, relationship to the deceased, manner of death, religious background, etc. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. In my case.. having a huge party to celebrate the life of my 19 year old brother would have been grossly inappropriate and fake-seeming.
Upon the death of a loved one it is only compassionate to offer support and to admit to the loss of no longer being able to share in the joys provided by the deceased. 
Yes, well...acceptance takes time.
We are lucky to find true love...some never do. My grandmother explained that true love is akin to two trees standing side by side, they share the same sunlight, the air, and they grow together...if one should stumble they know they can rely on the strength of the other to keep them up, however if one should fall then they have made sure through nourishing each other that the foundation of roots will keep the remaining tree standing. Although the sun may never again look quite the same...they must go on for each other.
(paraphrasing a bit...actual story much longer...Grandmother's and all)
That's really a sweet story. =)
Do you actually consider when falling in love the potential loss?  Very few do. Because in the end it happens to everyone.  We are not that special.
Yup, it happens to us all. But if we thought too much about the very real possibility of losing our loved ones, many of us would no doubt spiral into depression, lol. Death is very much out of our control ... deep down inside, we all know it and we all cope with the knowledge the best we can.
Specifically: Mary T....The post was not about the loss of a child, The post was about the loss of a partner...which I will address later.

Dark Desire: I don't know if I missed the spirit of the post...What I read was someone who is paralyzed,suicidal, and has serious issues of self worth....Yes it was cold...IT HAS BEEN SIX YEARS!!! SIX YEARS OF THIS!  I'm sorry for her initial loss but to come out here and get all of this attention and compassion makes many of you nothing short of enablers.
It's all about presentation and tact, Domiguy. You have some valid points, but there is a fine line between "telling like it is" and just plain kicking somebody when they're down. I'm a bit curious as to what your motivation was, coming across in such a cold way. Were you attempting to be helpful, or just wanting to spout off some righteous indignation?
Susan of O...Yes I might have come off as a complete prick...But someone needs to shake her up tell her to pick herself up...and OUT LOUD!    She needs help...professional help. Six years...I have known people who have lost children, they still cry on birthdays but I believe they have found a way to move on. Six years...it just shouldn't have happened this way...and for all of you to say you are sorry and to feed the pain that she won't give up is somewhat patronizing.
Again, you may be right.. but how the hell are you helping matters by coming across this way?
I should have been more tactful...but I swear to God I am not mistaken here.  I have read too many posts where folks just can't seem to see the forest throught the trees...maybe they don't have the support group on hand to assist them...Then they need help...Professional help. Not some condescending bullshit.

What if she were in your family or your friend and for six years this had been going on...reread your replies and tell me would you be saying those same things to your friend today?
Honestly? You're correct.. I *would* be urging some professional help. But not quite in that abrasive manner.
If she showed up on Dr Phil...Six years after her loss in this condition...what would he say?
Haha! Maybe we should all wear little bracelets with  WWDrPD? on 'em.
Out.

D.G.

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers.

quote:

ORIGINAL: WingedSnake

Concerning the topic, Michael had his cancer checkup and all is looking good.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ZenDragoness

The messages in this thread helped me a great lot in a very hard time, and only domiguy did not understand, that my beloved man is alive, but he always seems to be somebody who judges quick and reads with not enought concentration.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Well damn! That was an interesting read for sure.

The funny thing is......since this thread began, and now, I realized that I had that love and then lost it. No, I don't regret a moment of it. If there really is such a thing as reincarnation, maybe she and I will get it right the next time.

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Well damn! That was an interesting read for sure.

The funny thing is......since this thread began, and now, I realized that I had that love and then lost it. No, I don't regret a moment of it. If there really is such a thing as reincarnation, maybe she and I will get it right the next time.

If there is a God and if he ever planned on doing anything "right" she will come back as me....And we shall mate.