julietsierra
Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
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I'm not a dominant, but from my point of view, you've already got a lot of the basics.
By "basics," I mean that in your positions within Martial Arts, Chinese Medicine and Reiki, you have to know yourself, and have a plan as to how you get yourself and those under your care to where you want them to be. You have to know how and when to push them past where they think they're capable of going to where they really have the ability to go, and you need to know the difference between perceived capability and actual ability. You have to be consistent. You have to be compassionate when it's called for and a task master when that's called for as well - and you have to know when to do what. And above all, you have to have a genuine respect of the lengths people who submit to you are willing to go in the effort to serve you, and the people themselves for their willingness to be pushed past their comfort levels.
Probably the biggest difficulty I see in people who claim to be dominants (and I'm not saying they aren't) is that they lack a plan, both for themselves and what they want out of a relationship, and for the submissives they are with. They change their minds and their approaches regarding control in ways that leave submissives completely confused. I'm not talking about those who simply have a change of heart, but those dominants who are so confused by themselves that they don't know how to reach a submissive's desire to serve, and begin demanding even while having no idea of the ramifications of their demands. In short, they have no real clue as to what dominance means to them or where they're going.
As you read these forums you'll find that if you were to narrow down all the complaints to common themes, that inconsistency ranks pretty high up there. So too are the inability to learn as you go, and the ability to watch a submissive and accurately gauge her willingness to step to new levels. Contrary to what seems to be popular belief, submissives have just as much to teach dominants as dominants have to teach submissives. The topics and approaches are different, but it's there nonetheless. Most of all though, dominants need to be able to acknowledge that power has the ability to corrupt and they have to know - and believe that before they control a submissive, that they need to control themselves - and can.
On top of that, a dominant has to love things about those who submit. I'm not talking on an individual level - as in "I love you," but as an example, if a dominant has a female submissive, it is my opinion that he or she genuinely has to love women. To me, anything less is operating from a position of ... well... less.
I suppose, if I were a dominant, the very first thing I'd be doing is sitting down with myself to decide what I want, what I can manage at this time, and where I want to go. Then, I'd spend time meeting others, attempting to figure out who I considered reputable for my own plans, and listening, talking, learning about the intricacies of this life. I'd be reading everything I could get my hands on - not as so much a "how-to" manual, but more to understand where the myriad of ideas we tend to live by come from and what resonate with me. And I'd be dealing, as best I could, with societal teachings up to this point that might be negatively affecting my ability to move in this direction. These include things like "hitting a woman is always wrong," and "relationships are 50/50." While egalitarianism is a nice, feel-good idea that most of us have been raised with, it is not necessarily a hallmark of a D/s relationship.
Finding a submissive to play with would be the very last thing on my list of things to do. In a world where 90% of what we do is mental and 10% physical, the physical should take a back seat to learning, but often does not because people get anxious to try these new things they're learning.
Above all, the same lessons submissives need to learn are good lessons for dominants - even if not taught in the same way. Patience and integrity and honor are not just words, but something to live by and actively engage in.
If all else fails, fall back on your Martial Arts teachings. Samurai were first and foremost, servants to their Master, and mastering, to me, requires a sound knowledge and awareness of the effort it takes to serve.
Those are what, like those self-help books "What women wish their men would know" I, as a submissive, would wish dominants to know.
It's what I looked for - yes, with a plan for myself as to what I wanted and where I wanted to go, and what it is I found in my Master. It takes time, both to learn and to find what you want, and especially in terms of a Master, it's not really something anyone should shirk on.
Good luck to you.
juliet
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A newbie asking about learning... - 
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