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Filling Ourselves Up - 1/9/2007 10:09:57 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I was listening to something tonight that talked about giving to ourselves so that we can be full enough to give to others. From reading this forum I have the sense that many think of taking time for themselves, giving themselves treats, relaxing their minds and bodies, may take away from their service to their dominant.

I would like to offer an argument for feeding one's self to actually be a way of becoming a better submissive, and a better person. There is something to the view that someone who respects themselves and takes time for themselves is going to be a more healthy, happy, more giving individual than one who does not. Someone that takes the time to eat correctly, exercise, read for enjoyment, or watch a favorite comedy is going to be able to radiate that satisfaction to others, and this is not completely selfish to do.

I have been giving this a lot of thought because in overcoming my anxiety I had to realize that part of the reason I felt it was because I expected more from myself than I could possibly give, I ran out of "stuff" to radiate out. My well ran dry, and I was always thinking about what I "should" be doing, or what I had not done yet.. it was overwhelming to me. At times it has made me physically ill... who can give feeling like that?

So I ask those who care to respond... are there things that you do just for you that enable you to give more to others... things that put you at peace, things you enjoy. Do you feel that this is selfish, or do you feel that it helps you be more productive and healthier?

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt
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RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/9/2007 10:27:54 PM   
slavemaia


Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline 		It's a dichotomy i think. The more i give the more i have to give. Now there's a definite difference between being a slave/submissive and being a doormat. i am not and do not allow myself to be treated as a doormat (someone who thinks they are worth nothing). When i started my journey for a Master i began with "a bag full of goodies" not an empty sack waiting to be filled. i sought One to give to but who is also capable of reciprocity but in His ways, not necessarily mine. In my heart i believed and still do that i deserve to be treated with respect, dignity and kindness. Any Master who believes otherwise about a slave found no welcome mat at my door and they did knock, believe me.
 
i consider myself very fortunate to have a Master who is very caring and loving but also very dominant. i am allowed to be all of myself with Him and He is allowed to be all He is with me.

_____________________________


She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 1:01:36 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		It's funny, I never did things for myself until I became my Master's.  I've mentioned in a previous thread awhile back that he would tell me I have a fiduciary responsibility to take care of his property for him in his absense.  The thing is, taking care of me - mentally, emotionally, physically, etc. - gives him a better product.  He has helped me become aware of myself and in touch with myself.  Things I do "for myself" that I never did before knowing him:

* Get massages
* Get my hair colored
* Got 600 ct silky sheets
* I'm back in school
* Exercise
* Get manicures and pedicures
* Spend time in self reflection
* Cook wonderful gourmet meals for just myself
* Go to the doctors when I need to (I didn't before)
* Spend time with good friends, and with my family
* Take time to rest when I need to

To name a few.

But he benefits from all this and encourages it (in some cases he demands it).  It's funny because for as objectifying as he treats me, he makes sure I have so much, including a happy spirit.  All that I do is for him, so those things I listed above are really for him, but they bring me so much comfort because I feel valued.  I value myself for the first time in my life.  So yes, there are things I do which honor myself, and in doing so I am a much happier, healthier and better slave, woman, and overall person.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 2:10:24 AM   
brightspot


Posts: 3052
Status: offline 		Although I get most of my pleasure from doing things that will please and make my Domina happy and at peace, I definately need to take care of myself so as to be more expendable to her needs.
 
Most of the things I do are of a spriritual nature or a feeding of my spirit, such as my art, writing, cooking and growing from my mistakes.
I find if I take care of myself physically, emotionally as well as spiritually, I am almost limitless in meeting the wants and needs of my Domina and others in my life that I love and care about.
 
It's a necessity for me to fill full and content in those three areas and then all the overflow is put outward. I will always seek a Domina who knows, understands and respects the importance of this also. I don't see it as a selfish act but more so a very important piece of a healthy dynamic.
 
Missy.

_____________________________

"Comedy is NOT Pretty!" ~Peter Nelson

But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile-TD4TwEw8crWS3GHFDcs_DK1rHmW6Dq_E;_ylt=Av2PfG9gH0wkQrMPivuMCivGAOJ3

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 3:46:33 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		I've always been one that needed alone time...time to just be me.  The one thing that I have to do...must have time for...is to read.  Reading and music are the two things that settle my soul.  I don't know...maybe I use them for some sort of escape?  Don't know, don't care...they work.  It's not selfish and I don't think that it takes away from anyone.  It feeds me.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 7:39:53 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		We're all such perfectionist control freaks aren't we? :)

For me the main thing is keeping to a regular sleeping/eating/masturbating schedule.  That's the most important thing I need for myself to stay steady, secure, emotionally present and strong, and happy.

And yes, it's terribly selfish- but it's also terribly necessary.  We need to stop making "selfish" a bad word- just like "judgement."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 8:02:35 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		I indeed as a singel parent realized I needed time for me even though I didn't feel I could afford that luxury.
I realized if I don't take good care of myself and count myself in my obligations no one else will.
I also think if you spend some of your day doing something nice for yourself you stay more emotionally balanced and happier so you can justify it's also for your loved ones in the end.
Selfish things you do just for you once in a while have a big factor in how you feel about yourself in my opinion.
suzanne

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 8:43:30 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		The main thing i do for myself is read for pleasure. Actuall i devoure books anything from Nora Roberts to Tom Clancy i have a very wide selection of fiction i like to read..  I think it makes me a more relaxed person to escape into the world of my books sometimes.

Matt's littleone


(in reply to onestandingstill)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 8:59:52 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Thanks for the replies so far, they have been wonderful

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to littleone35)
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RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 9:14:31 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Being selfish, like any other trait, has no meaning in and of itself. It is in the application. Being selfish all the time is not healthy and being selfless all the time is equally damaging. Being selfish some of the time, when you really need it, is not a negative thing.

For most of us, it is critical to our wellbeing to give ourselves the luxury of doing what we need for ourselves from time to time.

With respect, Sir Dominic

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 9:34:24 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I have never had a problem doing things just for me. I have just always preferred to take care of others first before doing them. I have never felt I was intentionally slacking when this happens. One of the big pluses in being owned for me though is knowing, as best one can, by how the life works that when I am taking time for my personal enjoyments that I know I am either not interfering with my Master’s pleasures and needs or I have communicated them to him so he understands and accepts must have me things.

As far as things that sometimes interfere theoretically that I have had to communicate with my Master are things like after a bad shift at work I might need a few hours of alone time to get my mind in the right frame again. I will also request sometimes when we have spent a lot of time together for a stretch that we do not talk to each other for awhile or I can go to a different room as that can help recharge me. In general anything to put someone in a better mood, more energetic and focused should be good for the relationship.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to SirDominic)
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RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 10:10:15 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		Anytime you do something unnatural or that requires acting you need a break time. Serving and submitting is "doing something for me" for some people just as dominating and demanding for some other people.

It compares to going on vacation. If you live in a house overlooking the ocean where every day is sunny and warm and that is your ideal place to be, you may take time off from work just to stay home. If you live in a dusty back road and have pictures of Hawaii plastered on your wall, you goal on vacation is to go there.

(in reply to toservez)
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RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 10:43:48 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Anytime you do something unnatural or that requires acting you need a break time.


I often need break time from my son, I wasn't aware I was just "acting" like a mother...smiles

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
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RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 11:05:25 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

Anytime you do something unnatural or that requires acting you need a break time.


I often need break time from my son, I wasn't aware I was just "acting" like a mother...smiles


Glad we could help...smiles back.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 11:10:38 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

Anytime you do something unnatural or that requires acting you need a break time.


I often need break time from my son, I wasn't aware I was just "acting" like a mother...smiles


Glad we could help...smiles back.


Well even if I was acting, my son did not know the difference, and it certainly does not feel that way, just like my submission doesn't... but thanks for you "help".

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 1/10/2007 11:11:00 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 3:22:08 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		Everytime I start to reply to this, I get interrupted by one of my kids. :)

Anyway, this is a really great question, and an important one.  I'm a big fan of trying to attend to myself, and I know from experience that it enhances all my relationships especially with my kids.

I discovered that, when my first son, who has cerebral palsy was really little, and I was in something of a dark tunnel, getting help was not a luxury.  I had a respite care provider that looked after him a couple hours a day and funded by the county we lived in, who I still consider a life saver.  Mostly I did house work in those couple hours, but I also learned to sew and, as I got my bearnings back, I was able to organize things enough to write my masters thesis.  I also, at around this time, got into the habit of getting up at 4am, before anyone else is awake, which gives me a couple hours head start on things.  Alot of times, I don't really do anything.

I always worry about 'productivity' and have this sense that I'm not doing enough or am wasting time.  Its mostly because I'm not working a regular job, and don't really have a lot of objective markers for what I do.  It all kind of blends together into a bunch of little crises and smiles, and if I don't take time to process things, and think about them, I lose track of them and feel like I'm just spinning my wheels.

So, I guess the one thing I do to take care of myself is to think about things. :)    Maybe its selfish.  That doesn't bother me much though.



(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 5:24:23 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I do not see this as an “either or” type of situation.  I am submitting to him whether I am reading a book, going to work or kneeling before him.  I do not have to be actively doing something that has a direct benefit to him in order to be his slave.

I am a multi-faceted individual and I have many interests.  My ultimate priority is his will and it is his will that I be the best me I can be.  That means making the time to take care of myself, learning and growing.  I am not taking a break.  I am still serving him; the benefits may be indirect for him but I am still following his will.  Our lives are more enriched because we seek to enhance rather than limit each other.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 5:31:21 PM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline 		Looking after Master can be stressful at times due to His health, so there are things I do when He is at the hospital (on dialysis) 3 times a week:

I go to the gym. Apart from losing a bit of weight and getting fitter, it is a great stress buster.

I catch up on sleep. Sometimes He is restless and can't sleep, or He is in pain or has a hypo (low blood sugar, He is diabetic) in the very early hours. I find my sleep is disturbed, even though sometimes I am not aware of it (much like someone with sleep apnea).

I have quiet time. I get on the net, or read, or watch the medical shows I have taped that He doesn't like to see.

I go shopping. Mostly I window shop, or browse book or record stores. Sometimes I will buy something, most times not, I just like to look

I must get back into having a facial or manicure, I have let that slip a bit with more time spent at the gym

(in reply to gypsygrl)
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RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 5:47:25 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

Anytime you do something unnatural or that requires acting you need a break time.


I often need break time from my son, I wasn't aware I was just "acting" like a mother...smiles


I do agree that when we do something that is unnatural to our nature.. it is unlikely that we can maintain the behaviors.  However, being unable to maintain the behaviors that is unnatual to oneself doesn't equate to everyone that takes a break is behaving in an un-natural manner.

As you indicated...... like many mom's and dad's.. they take a break from their spawn.. but taking a break from them doesn't equate that you are taking less responsibilities or less involved with them.   I find it amusing when individuals take negative judgemental views of others because they take that break.  To me it reflects more to thier own insecurities in living or fullfilling their responsibilities that they have commited to.  I have found that those well-adjusted individuals and relationships are very capable of fullfilling their individuals needs and relationship needs.  It is not an either or thing.  It's a question of managing ones commitments to self and one's relationships.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Filling Ourselves Up - 1/10/2007 7:11:23 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

Anytime you do something unnatural or that requires acting you need a break time. Serving and submitting is "doing something for me" for some people just as dominating and demanding for some other people.


it is for me as well. i don't think of doing things for myself, or "being selfish," as break time from being submissive; to me, it's part of being submissive, and to be selfish is one of the harder lessons i've had to learn as a submissive. it was nothing to me before to neglect my needs and my health and my sleep process, and knowing now how it affects me, especially as a submissive, it's become a huge issue for me to "fill myself up," to use that phrase, although i don't find submissiveness draining. to me, it's a way to enhance my usefulness as a submissive.

i'm speaking primarily of being submissive in relationship in the above paragraph. in terms of my submissive personality trait and how it causes me to respond to other people and situations, in the past it has often led me to not say no often enough, which has led to illness, exhaustion, dehydration, etc. etc. ad nauseam. one of the things that i enjoy about being owned is that i can channel those submissive tendencies in a way that fills me up, rather than drains me, and is constructive, rather than being destructive.

so, things i do to be a healthier submissive...

*try to rest more
*be conscious of when i'm in too much pain or fatigue to do something, and communicate it
*communicate in general
*take time to do things i enjoy...like school, learning languages, reading, writing, making art, playing piano, exploring my spirituality, etc.
*take my medicine on time, go to the psychiatrist and counselor regularly, go to the doctor when i need to
*exercise and eat well

theoretically, i am selfish for doing this. but i think that also in honoring and bettering myself, i'm honoring my commitment to him and bettering my service to him. i don't see any difference, and i consider it a part of my duty as a submissive, i suppose...not apart from it. i think it would be far more selfish and wrong of me to neglect his property and allow it to fall apart.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
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