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What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 4:44:19 AM   
LadySpoilMe


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/20/2006
Status: offline 		I realize that I am relatively new to the CM community and even to the BDSM scene itself but I do sincerely seek to improve myself as a Dominant Individual, so I have a question and would appreciate the views and opinions of those wiser and more experienced than myself.  :D
I have been told by more than one sub that I am not a 'normal' or 'real' Domme so I thought I would ask those more experienced and more enlightened that me what the definition of Domme 'really' is.   I am by nature a polite, caring, compassionate and considerate woman, I treat subs with the same good manners that I treat everyone and always say please and thank you.  I will phrase a command in a way that it sounds like a request rather than a command .... 'I would like you to ..... I would prefer if you.....I think it would be a good idea if you.....' etc.  It's just how I was raised but if the sub disobeys, complains, whines or pushes me then I can and often do drop the civilities and reveal the selfish, demanding bitch within.  'Obey me or walk'.  Does this mean I am not a 'real' Domme?  Am I simply a selfish, demanding bitch who enjoys being waited on hand and foot, catered to, pampered and obeyed in all things?  Am I just sadistic because I often bring out the belt, crop, paddle and other assorted 'toys' to play with? 
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 4:50:50 AM   
iteration


Posts: 1
Joined: 7/7/2006
Status: offline 		Personally I think having a natural style makes you entirely genuine, certainly more so than pretending to be a person you're not just to be what others expect.

(in reply to LadySpoilMe)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 4:52:29 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Being a dominant woman does not mean you have to be the movie version Domme. A lot of subs have a vision that we walk around in leather all day long with a riding crop in hand just waiting to beat them without mercy into the delight of subspace. It is a fantasy and those that tell you that you aren't "real" are seeking the movie version Domme.

I am polite, considerate and I treat my sub with respect. To some people that may indicate weakness. To me it implies strength as I am comfortable in my own dominance and I do not feel the need to treat people like shit to prove it.

So for those subs who tell you that you aren't "real" because your being yourself...Tell them to go find their movie version Domme somewhere else and you will find yourself a "real" sub.

Good Luck,
~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to LadySpoilMe)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 5:01:24 AM   
Mistrix


Posts: 186
Joined: 2/14/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadySpoilMe

I realize that I am relatively new to the CM community and even to the BDSM scene itself but I do sincerely seek to improve myself as a Dominant Individual, so I have a question and would appreciate the views and opinions of those wiser and more experienced than myself.  :D
I have been told by more than one sub that I am not a 'normal' or 'real' Domme so I thought I would ask those more experienced and more enlightened that me what the definition of Domme 'really' is.   I am by nature a polite, caring, compassionate and considerate woman, I treat subs with the same good manners that I treat everyone and always say please and thank you.  I will phrase a command in a way that it sounds like a request rather than a command .... 'I would like you to ..... I would prefer if you.....I think it would be a good idea if you.....' etc.  It's just how I was raised but if the sub disobeys, complains, whines or pushes me then I can and often do drop the civilities and reveal the selfish, demanding bitch within.  'Obey me or walk'.  Does this mean I am not a 'real' Domme?  Am I simply a selfish, demanding bitch who enjoys being waited on hand and foot, catered to, pampered and obeyed in all things?  Am I just sadistic because I often bring out the belt, crop, paddle and other assorted 'toys' to play with? 

I can feel for you too.  I've been told that I'm not a real Domme because I say please and thank you.  Whatever happened to respect?  How can someone demand it when they don't give it? I, like yourself believe to a good communicatin and respect on many levels, subs are human too and are not to be treated like dogs (unless you want to get into puppy play...hehe).  I like to use the same phrases as you to ask for a request rather than a command.  I have been told though by a few that the way I am as a Domme is rare to find.  There should be more like us, real time respectable, classy Domina's.  I do like to be stern during My play time.  VERY stern actually, LICK MY BOOTS, and use verbal humiliation to enhance the experience. As an extreme sadist I can change how I am during a get to know you situtation to strip down and KNEEL situation.  There is a time and place to be stern and strict, I believe and I know I get much more respect and a play time goes more smoothly when there is a good connection and amicable respect on both levels.


_____________________________

I am a Woman, above everything else.

One is too many and a thousand is never enough.

(in reply to LadySpoilMe)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 5:11:55 AM   
hereyesruponyou


Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline 		I think for those of us who do have manners and want a mutually respectful relationship it can be a very fine line to walk. I tend to be firm in my tone and use alot of facial expression to get across the dominant part of my personality. This works great in real time, but in the in between time when just screening emails online and getting to know someone a little before meeting, it is difficult to get the same nuances out of typing. I've also had sub/slaves beg me to humiliate them, pushed for the "language" i was not as comfortable with, but when i tried to do this, they got their feelings hurt and it still didn't work out well. 
 
Personally I decided to just forget about anyone who thinks i need to change to fit their "idea" of what i should be. I am who I am, and if that's not what you are looking for then you are not who I am look for.....

(in reply to Mistrix)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 5:15:21 AM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline 		well, i think that She would have to be firm, yet caring...and have a longer attention span.

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Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to hereyesruponyou)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 5:24:48 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I am not a "real" domme either, depending on who you ask. I dont care for pain, I dont see it necessary to use toys or bondage every time I play with my subs.  I dont bark commands and I dont dress in leather or fetish costumes every time I am with someone.
I do what you do.  I ask or suggest things.  My boy knows quite well which suggestions are not exactly optional. It s what works for us.  We dont care who, outside of the two of us, think that my Domination of him is "real" enough.
IF you are with a sub that has told you you arent real, thats his or her cue to take a hike. IF they dont like how you work, then they dont need to be with you. If there are other Dominants who are making these comments... honestly, to hell with them.  Ive said this often, I wont tell you how to run your house, you dont tell me how to run mine. Even if they say I am nt real, I must be doing something right.  They are still searching, and Angel wears my collar.  Sounds real enough for my tastes.

Good luck.
DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to michaelOfGeorgia)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 5:28:12 AM   
MaryT


Posts: 553
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadySpoilMe

Am I simply a selfish, demanding bitch who enjoys being waited on hand and foot, catered to, pampered and obeyed in all things? 


Sometimes when I'm overly tired and I read a passage like this, I think that I am on the wrong side of the crop. 

(in reply to LadySpoilMe)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 5:51:27 AM   
BBBTBW


Posts: 836
Joined: 5/21/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadySpoilMe

I realize that I am relatively new to the CM community and even to the BDSM scene itself but I do sincerely seek to improve myself as a Dominant Individual, so I have a question and would appreciate the views and opinions of those wiser and more experienced than myself.  :D
I have been told by more than one sub that I am not a 'normal' or 'real' Domme so I thought I would ask those more experienced and more enlightened that me what the definition of Domme 'really' is.   I am by nature a polite, caring, compassionate and considerate woman, I treat subs with the same good manners that I treat everyone and always say please and thank you.  I will phrase a command in a way that it sounds like a request rather than a command .... 'I would like you to ..... I would prefer if you.....I think it would be a good idea if you.....' etc.  It's just how I was raised but if the sub disobeys, complains, whines or pushes me then I can and often do drop the civilities and reveal the selfish, demanding bitch within.  'Obey me or walk'.  Does this mean I am not a 'real' Domme?  Am I simply a selfish, demanding bitch who enjoys being waited on hand and foot, catered to, pampered and obeyed in all things?  Am I just sadistic because I often bring out the belt, crop, paddle and other assorted 'toys' to play with? 


After 15 years of being told I am a fake because I don't walk around with a cigarette holder, clad all in leather with a scowl on my face, it's good to see I am not alone in my non "real"ness and style of mutual respect and appreciating the human factor in a person (first) slave (second).  Keep doing what you are doing.  Most of those that contact you are only fantasy players anyway, they are not looking for a relationship that will continually give them what they need, they are only in it for the moment.

edited to add the following

I read your profile and there is a controversy over the words "real" and "true"  I noticed you used the word "real" in your profile....Although you go on to describe what you desire in a slave perhaps you want to reword your "real and genuine" statement to flow better into what you consider "real and genuine" rather than it being a blanket statement.  As you have found out, what is "REAL and TRUE" to one might not be "REAL and TRUE" to another

< Message edited by BBBTBW -- 1/31/2007 6:00:23 AM >

_____________________________

"You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means" -- Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

(in reply to LadySpoilMe)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 6:19:52 AM   
SCDommie


Posts: 176
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline 		I am not your typical "show" Domme.  I am just plain ole me who happens to be a little different. 
I have finally learned labeling people is not the thing to do because it will confuse you trying to fit in one particlar place or another when freedom is what we all need to be ourselves. 
If you sub/slave is telling you that you are not real, then you need to proove that you are.  Deal with that sub.  There are ways you can do that without beating them to death.
Best thing that works is don't talk with them for a few days.  Then make them realize how wrong they are.

Respectfully,

SCD

(in reply to BBBTBW)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 7:00:57 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline 		A "real" (aka twue) domina behaves just like the ones in the sub's jerk off fantasies. She does every nasty thing the sub wants, even though it means the sub is really in charge.

In other words, anyone who says you aren't real is probably too stupid to waste time on.



< Message edited by happypervert -- 1/31/2007 7:02:16 AM >

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to LadySpoilMe)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 7:06:22 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Being real here is just like being real anywhere in life. Be who you are and live with integrity about it.

"...because once you're Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." - Skin horse to Velveteen Rabbit.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to LadySpoilMe)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 7:18:13 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		Some of us have an "inner bitch".. others have Inner Strength.  Some of us portray the classic caricature of a Domme, others remain themselves,
 
Continue to be you!  I am EXACTLY the same in mannerisms.  ... and I've never wanted for a submissive male because of it.
 
There is a time and place for strictness. When the time comes it will be genuine and natural.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to LadySpoilMe)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 7:24:57 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		http://www.collarchat.com/m_771270/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#771630
Does gentle master mean weak?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_668725/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#668733
Too polite?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_505491/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#505668
Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_433779/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#433966
Master...in slaves' eyes!

http://www.collarchat.com/m_380311/mpage_2/key_gentleman%252Cdom/tm.htm#384513
dom vs gentleman

http://www.collarchat.com/m_266268/mpage_1/key_gentleman%252Cdom/tm.htm#266288
the gentleman dom with feelings

Is the term gentleman dom an oxymoron?

Gentlemen vs nice guy


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LadySpoilMe)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 7:25:38 AM   
MistressDiane


Posts: 334
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		I was raised to be respectful of others, polite, caring and courteous. I don't expect anything less from the people I deal with or a submissive in my life. I also believe we should all try to lead by example. I'm of the opinion that these aren't signs of weakness but rather strengths in character. Besides, who can be THAT miserable ALL the time? Granted there are some folks out there who are but that's generally what they are, miserable human beings.
Personally I also find that women who have grace and manners with a glint of evil in her eye, knowing that if you cross her she is fully capable of making your life a living hell, is by far sexier and more intimidating than someone walking around putting on a show all day.
If they hit you with the "you're to nice to be a real Domme right from the start then you know right away that what they are seeking is a stereotype and not a genuine person. Just wish them well and send them on their merry way.

_____________________________

Ms. Diane
"..and they who danced were thought insane by those who refused to hear the music." ~Monet

*Suffer BayBeee!!!!!*

"My treasures do not sparkle or glitter, they shine in the sun and neigh in the night."

(in reply to SCDommie)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 7:37:27 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		The only thing you may not have considered is that when you say "I would like it" is that the person hearing it doesn't hear it as an order to do it now. So if you say "I would like you to do the dishes", the sub may think "Okay, I'll get to it later" whereas you meant that you wanted it done immediately. You can be polite and direct and that might be helpful. Because if he's thinking before bed and then you get upset because he didn't do it immediately, the problem is miscommunication.

But just rephrasing the statement as "I would like you to wash the dishes immediately" tells him exactly what you mean, avoids miscommunication and hurt feelings on both sides, and relieves the sub of the need for mind reading to be able to tell when you want something immediately and when you just need it done sometime that day. And is just as polite but easier to understand for being a direct instead of indirect statement.

(in reply to MistressDiane)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 7:46:04 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		For those subs who have told you, you am not a 'normal' or 'real' Domme, have you asked them what they mean by that? You will get much more insight into the situation if you ask them instead of us here. I see nothing about you that wouldn't be real, but I'm not involved in the dyanamic, those subs are. Talk to them.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 8:18:07 AM   
steviemichael


Posts: 177
Joined: 1/6/2007
Status: offline 		in defense to the sub who claims you are not a *real D/   subs do know what we are looking for and normally seek and find One  maybe just 'maybe'he/she had differnt requirements that you had on offer.

_____________________________

switch/submissive male walking in the path of and learning of my true desires and enjoying what i am discovering

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 8:29:14 AM   
mp072004


Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		I think a style similar to yours is attractive, and that's what I do most of the time. I make polite and firm requests when participating in service. They don't tend to have question marks at the end, which somewhat differs from your style, though. Outside of BDSM, it is tacky to roughly bark orders at people serving you. It seems that graceful acceptance of service is no different within and without BDSM. I think that's more about tone of voice--when you ask, "Would you get me some water," it's most effective if intonation and demeanor signal that failure to get you water quickly and well is not an option. There is a place for barking orders and rough play--and make no mistake, I find thug play great fun--but expressions of reserved authority are my typical style. It's reasonable that some people won't find it an attractive style. But if behavior that indicates that you are entitled to service and obedience without brandishing implements of intimidation is not dominant, I fail to see what is.

Monica

(in reply to LadySpoilMe)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: What makes a 'real' Domme ? - 1/31/2007 9:06:25 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I don't want to be flippant but it will appear that way.

My thoughts on this subject are something like this. I don't care what anyone else thinks, just let them try pushing me to see if I am real.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LadySpoilMe)
Profile   Post #: 20
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