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Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 8:29:36 AM   
FragileRose


Posts: 58
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline 		It strikes me that many Dominants channel the energy given to them by their submissves back into pleasing or satisfying her/him. Of course, this happens in vanilla relationships too, but I never heard it discussed very much in my own dating life. This is a fascinating topic to me, and I was trying to explain it to my therapist. It also appears that some Doms become givers when they feel they can give without being pressured. My own Master has played a role in healing me after a long illness - and I hear the theme of his wanting to act as healer - not of pathologies, but life's broken bones - emerging in our discussions. Of course, the submissive can heal, too, and acts as giver and friend. In some areas, I am mentor to my Master, and he loves my support and encouragement.

I really would like to hear from Doms and submissives on this topic. The "gift" is really two way for most couples, I think. I am a writer, so your perspectives may find their way into a written article at some point.
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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 9:15:49 AM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FragileRose
I really would like to hear from Doms and submissives on this topic. The "gift" is really two way for most couples, I think. I am a writer, so your perspectives may find their way into a written article at some point.


I think some BDSM relationships work this way. I think others work in other ways. I think there are the same numver of BDSM relationship types as there are vanilla relationship types. In BDSM relationships, there is simply more talking about the power exchanged and a greater acceptance of "unusual" desires.

People who are givers, healers, mentors and friends to their loved ones will be so, kinky or not.

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to FragileRose)
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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 9:18:50 AM   
MsSilvie


Posts: 248
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline 		I think this is the case in an ideal D/s relationship. Two people who have opposite and complementary needs coming together for the benefit of both. A lot of the healthy, well grounded dominants I know are very nurturing and want to see their partner grow and develop. With those kind of partners, a submissive can feel secure and able to explore deeper aspects of his or her self without worrying that they will be taken advantage of.

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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 10:57:47 AM   
RiotGirl


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< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 9:34:41 PM >

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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 11:45:06 AM   
FragileRose


Posts: 58
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

Wow, what an awesome Topic. i've recently been analyzing it in my own little mind. As i am finally able to see clearly these days. Master has given me a truely awesome and amazing gift, one that i never thought it actually possbile to be given. Nor did i actually thought it exsisted.


quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl
He taught me to feel again, to care again. He taught me to love again. He took away my emotional privacy, shut off my emotional escape routes. He taught me to face my emotions and deal with them. The whole time, he was there.


Thank you, RiotGirl, for your reply. I was struck by what you said about your Master taking away your emotional privacy and shutting of the emotional escape routes. This happened to me, too. It should happen in all good relationships, but I sure never found a guy in a Vanilla relationship willing to exert the energy. This Master of mine does not let me hide my feelings about anything. I have a tendancy to crawl off and hide, but he comes and pulls the covers off of me when I try to escape. It is scary and wonderful, isn't it? I am wondering if there is something about some D/s relationships that makes this type of interaction more likely. I know that many people will say that good communication should be part of all relationships, but most guys I have known would much rather run away than have a conversation about an emotional topic. Well, for now, it sounds as if you have a wonderful friend.

I hope to hear from you again - and others that feel comfortable sharing their experiences!

< Message edited by FragileRose -- 3/10/2005 11:46:52 AM >

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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 12:13:34 PM   
RiotGirl


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< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 9:34:46 PM >

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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 12:16:31 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		No, there's nothing about being a dominant or submissive which makes this more or less likely that I have seen.

There's plenty of doms who have no idea how to deal with emotions and deal with them very badly on their own side, let alone being able to help others with theirs.

And plenty of subs who have emotional issues and don't know how to deal as well.

We really are just like everyone else.

(in reply to FragileRose)
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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 1:31:25 PM   
FragileRose


Posts: 58
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline 		Well, I certain that you are correct that people are basically the same. However, community values can influence bahavior. I never in my entire life heard any discussion of a man being obliged to care for a woman's well being in a Vanilla relationship. Perhaps it was an fortunate accident that I stumbled into a Dominant that cares about being a friend, Mentor, guide, and healer. In any case, I know now what I am looking for in real time. As they say, when the student is ready, the teacher appears.

I have seen on this site some Dominants talk about their feeling of being givers and healers. I am waiting to hear from them, too!

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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 1:39:19 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FragileRose

Well, I certain that you are correct that people are basically the same. However, community values can influence bahavior.

Assuming bdsm has community values...which is debatable.

quote:

I never in my entire life heard any discussion of a man being obliged to care for a woman's well being in a Vanilla relationship.

Well I know I have known many of them who did. People who get into bdsm feel it's a deeper relationship because for THEM it is. However, that's just because they are not vanilla, not because of anything specific to bdsm. There are just as many dorks, assholes, insecure and incompetent people in bdsm as there are anywhere else. My relationship with the Owner is not any deeper and more profound than my sisters relationship with her husband. It's just different. If I were in her marriage I'd be unhappy and if she were with the Owner, she'd be unhappy.
quote:


Perhaps it was an fortunate accident that I stumbled into a Dominant that cares about being a friend, Mentor, guide, and healer. In any case, I know now what I am looking for in real time. As they say, when the student is ready, the teacher appears.

Possibly. For most frenzied newbies it is pretty much a fortunate accident whether they find the real deal or just some horny guy taking advantage of their frenzy. This is why you have so many who get off to a bad start and blame "bdsm" and decide it's not for them, instead of realizing this is just like any other relationship and the dorks there are the dorks here.

(in reply to FragileRose)
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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 2:38:01 PM   
FragileRose


Posts: 58
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline 		Yup, there are jerks, predators, dorks, pretenders, and insensitive a-holes everywhere - as well as their female counterparts. And I have known my share in the Vanilla world. I frankly dread real time dating - BDSM-oriented or the other kind. Perhaps my query is a way of separating fantasy from fact. I really like the perspectives provided on this Web site.

LOL, community values - well, I do get your point, EmeraldSlave2. I am still looking for a thread. Very few Dominants are stepping up to this platform. I still think there are some deep aspects of the personality related to healing and being healed, being liberated and made whole, that may emerge in some people through BDSM. You are helped me push the language to a more precise level. Wanna be my editor?

I can perhaps refine my statement to say that there are people within the community of those that do what we do that work hard to promote key values of trust, compassion, safety, and consensual involvement. And, there are others - including Doms and submissives - who hear and respond to these messages because they resonate with their own values. The same can be said for any religious or cultural group. I know you may take issue with "community" so I am avoiding that word. If you have a language and certain values and can find another person/people that share them, it improves the chance of finding what you are looking for.

So far, it's just me and RiotGirl reporting on their Master's healing touch. I think under most circumstances, men and probably women too feel fairly silly saying things like "I want to make you whole" by tying you up in rope for a few hours.

Lovely to hear from you and everyone else. There is a spiritual side to BDSM practice for some people. For some, it provides a spiritual outlet, a release from the everyday world, a way to transcend.

Fragile Rose

< Message edited by FragileRose -- 3/10/2005 5:22:54 PM >

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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 3:50:44 PM   
domtimothy46176


Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline 		I don't think of it as healing as much as I think of it as liberating my girl. I know it's just another way of saying the same thing but I'm much more comfortable thinking of myself as a teacher than as a healer. Perhaps it's just my personal self-consciousness at work, but healer has a flavor that I'm not prepared to accept.
I don't however, feel that I transfigure the energy I receive from my girl and somehow channel it back to her in the form of happiness. That is a alien idea to me. My girl's happiness or the lack thereof is entirely an internal process, IMO, just as is the case with myself. I may facillitate her achieving happiness by providing her a healthy environment in which to explore herself and her motivations but the hard work is still on her plate.
Timothy

(in reply to FragileRose)
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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 5:19:38 PM   
nella


Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline 		When there is a positive relationshipmbetween to pepole, Energy flow more easy and healing will occur. The healtier the Energy in our body, the better helath we will have. Well that is what i belive.

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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 5:36:26 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
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< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 9:35:03 PM >

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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 6:53:44 PM   
FragileRose


Posts: 58
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline 		Yup, I mean obliged. In a D/s relationship, which is what I am talking about, the Master/Dom makes a commitment to take care of the well being, safety, and health of his submissive while she is in his care. This is a theme that comes up in a great deal of D/s writing. For me, this is one of the most appealing aspects of D/s. There is no way that I am going to place myself into the service of someone that does not recognize the primary importance of this obligation.


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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 6:59:05 PM   
nella


Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline 		I sort of have it the same way. If i am to give my body to somone, if i am to be their submissive, i would want them to take care of me in turn, it is sort of a price to pay for my submission.

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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 7:18:52 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Access denied. Not allowed to have personal information to throw in my face at a later time.

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 9:35:10 PM >

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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 7:39:46 PM   
harmony3709


Posts: 292
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FragileRose

Yup, I mean obliged. In a D/s relationship, which is what I am talking about, the Master/Dom makes a commitment to take care of the well being, safety, and health of his submissive while she is in his care. This is a theme that comes up in a great deal of D/s writing. For me, this is one of the most appealing aspects of D/s. There is no way that I am going to place myself into the service of someone that does not recognize the primary importance of this obligation.




Uh-oh......the dreaded "O" word, that goes with the "R" word, that goes with the "C" word. Obligation, responsibility, committment.

I agree that these are things that are frequently written about regarding a D/s or M/s relationship, although personally I think they are overused as a way of sort of romanticizing a BDSM-oriented relationship. However, in principal, I would like to see them used more often out of those romantic, fantasy, Sir-Lancalot-and-the-sex-slave-living-in-BDSM-Camelot stories and erotic literature because I have seen too many shudder at those words. (As is also the case in the vanilla world as well, this is not exclusive to BDSM relationships.)

If one takes charge and possession of another human being, does that not come with obligation and responsibility? I would like to think so. I know in the relationships I have been in as a submissive, I certainly have felt obliged to fulfill my responsibilities and committments.

Speaking from strictly my own personal experience, I have found that the traits you mentioned in the OP, giver healer, mentor, etc., are the most rare.

harmony

(in reply to FragileRose)
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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 9:10:57 PM   
FragileRose


Posts: 58
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline 		I think that we are miscommunicating. I would never choose a Dom that did consider and place my health, well being, and safety as a primary obligation on his part. He will treat me as a cherished friend. As for dismissing, well, I would get rid of any Dom/Master that did not meet my expectations in one minute flat - so it goes both ways. These are aspects of a relationship that are discussed and negotiated. Submissives have every right to seek the kind of partner that will give them what they want and need.



< Message edited by FragileRose -- 3/10/2005 9:27:04 PM >

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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/10/2005 9:25:59 PM   
FragileRose


Posts: 58
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: harmony3709

Uh-oh......the dreaded "O" word, that goes with the "R" word, that goes with the "C" word. Obligation, responsibility, committment.



quote:


If one takes charge and possession of another human being, does that not come with obligation and responsibility? I would like to think so. I know in the relationships I have been in as a submissive, I certainly have felt obliged to fulfill my responsibilities and committments.


quote:


Speaking from strictly my own personal experience, I have found that the traits you mentioned in the OP, giver healer, mentor, etc., are the most rare.



Harmony, thank you for your comments. I love those forbidden words obligation, responsibility, commitment. They belong in the Vanilla and the D/s vocabulary! I feel obliged to meet my obligations to this long distance Master of mine even though he cannot see if I am doing what he asked. I provide exceptional service to him in many real ways. He takes charge, and sometimes in pleasing him I am exposed to experiences that push me to my own limits. In turn, he recognizes an obligation to care for me - to cherish his Rose. It may sound Romantic, but it is selfish on his part I am sure. If he places my health and well being in jeopardy, he loses the rich support that I provide to Him each and every day of the week. He won't get what he wants and needs.

It is so interesting that you say the traits of healer, giver, Mentor are among the most rare, even though they are supposed to be part of the D/s relationship. Well, we already know they are rare traits in the world at large - why should it surprise me that they are rare in the BDSM arena? So, perhaps I have reason to write my Master an email tonight and thank him for the many special and unique things that he brings to my life.

(in reply to harmony3709)
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RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 3/11/2005 12:05:53 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Access denied. Not allowed to have personal information to throw in my face at a later time.

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 9:35:23 PM >

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