RE: Dominants - Giver, Healer, Mentor, Friend? - 4/7/2005 6:25:53 AM
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Padriag
Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: FragileRose
It strikes me that many Dominants channel the energy given to them by their submissves back into pleasing or satisfying her/him. Of course, this happens in vanilla relationships too, but I never heard it discussed very much in my own dating life. This is a fascinating topic to me, and I was trying to explain it to my therapist. It also appears that some Doms become givers when they feel they can give without being pressured. My own Master has played a role in healing me after a long illness - and I hear the theme of his wanting to act as healer - not of pathologies, but life's broken bones - emerging in our discussions. Of course, the submissive can heal, too, and acts as giver and friend. In some areas, I am mentor to my Master, and he loves my support and encouragement.
I really would like to hear from Doms and submissives on this topic. The "gift" is really two way for most couples, I think. I am a writer, so your perspectives may find their way into a written article at some point.
I have to agree with Taggard about there being only some who fit the "nuturing healer" archetype you describe. Its not something I would ascribe to all dominants in general. That kind of personality requires a combination of personality traits and skills that not everyone has. As a person they need to have a high degree of empathy with others, a generally compassionate disposition, and a degree of patience among other personality traits. Their skills need to include good communications skills beyond that required for a D/s relation ship in general, some knowledge of counseling methods, and perhaps some background in psychology. You don't find that just anywhere, and I suspect its actually rather rare.
Certainly any of the above can help a dominant be a better domiant, but not all will pursue developing those skills and traits. Some are satisfied with their current ability, some have no desire to be nurturing or lack the fundamental skills to even begin. Finding out what sort of dominant you are dealing with before accepting a collar is one of the things a submissive ought to be doing in the "consideration" period.
You mentioned later on that this theme comes up a lot in lifestyle writing and discussions, I agree it does. I think it is often held up as an ideal in literature and thought... and it is an admirable one, however, like most ideals many people pay it lip service but only a minority actively practice it.
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I've never been fond of the "gift" paradigm. I view it more as complimentary drives - the desire to be dominated, and the desire to be submitted to.
I don't care for the gift ideology either, it is in my opinion not a gift at all but an exchange. Each exhanges something they possess in order to gain something they desire and when this is done right it is to the mutual benefit of both resulting in a healthy relationship. What we have to exchange is unique to each of us as an individual, we all bring different qualities to the table.
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Doms do lots of service. Service is not the same as submission.
I frequently speak of dominant leadership as a concept because I believe a strong component of being a successful dominant is being a good leader. In John C Maxwells book "The 21 Indispensible Qualities of a Leader" he lists Servanthood as one of those 21 qualities. What he described in an entire chapter was essentially the above concept... leaders / doms serve others needs in various ways, but that is not submission. You have to give to get when leading people.
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For Mine? I treat a girl, be she sub or slave, as property. Is it not then logical to want to improve her value? That "value" might be in many different facets, from psychological (Peace of mind, self worth etc etc) to even the banal. (Physical appearance, dress etc etc)
I have an essay that I wrote that focuses on this very concept. Take the view of a submissive as property... now take the view of a dominant as being an investor in that property... do you want your property to increase or decrease in value? Any smart investor wants an increase of course. Following that logic it seems very natural to want to help the submissive grow as a person, acquire new skills, increase in self worth and objective worth, and generally become more desireable, helpful, useful, valuable as a submissive. It also follows quite naturally that its a good idea to protect that investment. Every bit of time, energy, effort, etc a dominant puts into the teaching, training, mentoring, guiding of a submisive is an investment on their part, it just makes good sense to make that a good investment, and to protect that investment as much as possible.
Some dominant who take that view will only see developing the submissive in ways that directly make them a more desirable submissive to that particular dominant. Others will take a broader view, seeing a wider range of value as being worthwhile. There is also the long view, qualities that take time to develop but "pay dividends" down the road. I suppose its a very mercenary way to look at it, very Nietzschian in my view, but I also think quite rational an can form the basis of a very healthy view of such a relationship.
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As Carl Jung says, good can arise from bad. So, the Dominant is selfish and takes care of his submissive to assure her/his health and well being, we have a healthy happy submissive that can serve. Since I have been jumped on for generalizing (LOL, it keeps me sharp), I will add that the submissive must have the capacity for happiness already...you can feed someone all the sprouts in the world but if he/she really want oreos you may still not have a happy person. I imagine the same goes for the submissive - if he/she is considerate and goes the extra mile to please her Dom(me), she may create the conditions for that Dom(me) to flourish, if he/she is capable of doing so! His/her motivations may also be selfish, in that she derives great pleasure not only from serving but from his/her company.
I like how Dale Carnegie put it even better, if you want to influence people you have to consider what they want, not what you want. As a dominant if I want a submissive to obey me and provide me with a desired service... the first thing I have to do is think about what she wants, how can I motivate her to want to do what I want? Just ordering her to do it won't work... or at least not for long. If she is not getting something in exchange, something she feels she wants or needs, from the relationship she won't continue to assent to my demands for long. In the long term if I want her continued obedience I have to motivate her with something she wants and/or needs. The same is true of submissives, if they want to please their dominant they have to forget about what they want and start thinking about what the dominant wants. I've seen submissives try very hard to please a dominant... doing what they want to do, but not stopping to consider what it is the dominant really wants.... and predictably they fail.
To bring my comments full circle and back to the topic, part of what it takes to be a nurturing and healing dominant is a keen ability to consider the needs of the submissive. Not every dominant can or does that.
_____________________________
Padriag
A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer
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