RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable? Or manipulation?

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable? Or manipulation?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable? Or manipulation?

Page: << < prev 8 9 10 [11] 12 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 8:24:07 AM

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
Accepting Susan's case unemotionally as fact, he sure as hell would be ostracized or at least thought of as a fraud by me. Is the SA scene not concerned about safety and honest representation? Per Susan he represented himself as a Doctor - "Dr. Dumb-Ass"?

Oh cmon now, we all know just how many dumbasses and assholes can easily become "well respected longtime leaders of the community" There's always people who love someone and others who think he's an asshole. *I* wouldn't give out information to people visiting which some people on this list would consider dangerous, should I be ostracized too?

I also think it's a rather different situation to go to some public events for awhile versus having someone come in from out of state. I've ALWAYS said that there is a problem with him promising information and then not giving it and that I thought it WAS the rght choice for Susan to not come to see him.

That doesn't mean I believe the guy is dangerous or bad.

I can say that I received an email saying that the man encouraged Susan many options of safety- including buying the ticket for her, telling her to take self-defenses courses and other things. Can this email be substantiated? Not in the slightest.

But then neither can Susan's.

The reality is that we had two people who were getting along just fine and happy for nearly 3 months. They both planned to meet and even go to public events together. 2 days before the trip, information that was promised was not given, and the trip was cancelled.

Everything else is just additional drama speculation.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 9:08:41 AM

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I'm fine. And I do appreciate the support everyone. I just had stuff I had to do last night. I am also sorry if I flew off the handle and didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings w/my pissy remark. I'm fine, and the people here are awesome. They are. There is only one "vanilla" friend I have in my life that even knows I do this stuff, and I am not real active (so far) in the Nebraska "scene" (such as it is) I do sometimes come here w/stuff I've wrestled with.

That might make it seem I have perpetual problems or something, but in reality, I seriously doubt it's not stuff other people go through, or maybe have gone through, and maybe they just didn't need to talk about it, or found another way to handle it. A perpetual victim, IMO, would Not have cancelled the date, though.

I am still gonna see, today, if maybe there is another way to handle this, so maybe it's not all down the tubes; I'll let 'ya know if anything changes. No, nothing happened between us (likea fight or anything, to answer somebody's question). I am ralisitc enough to know if that's what would be casuig the problem. I just was led to believe I'd be getting this info. and got to know him better and better, and realized at the end that there was still this one bit of info (like basic ID) that I still didn't have. It was kind a stupid, I admit. But hey; I'm a human being, I liked him, and I wanted to like him, too. Is that so wrong? Is that so hard to understand? Shouldn't be. Was it "my fault"? Maybe. Who knows, really? I don't care anymore - I just thought somebody else might benefit (really) from hearing this lil' episode. Nor am I offended, really at anyone;s opinion, particulalry, and I did appeciate the support.

I am not "looking for attention", etc (a lil sympathy, possibly) but yeah, my feelings were hurt when he did this.Why should that surprise anyone? If a person can't ask questions like this on this forum, what kinds of things can they ask about, pray tell?

I don't feel stupid for asking about it, even if I "should feel stupid". Maybe I should, maybe not - in any case, it can't be that unusual a situation, and I thought it might benefit more than me to bring it up.

Sympathy is nice, and I appreciate the support - but I also have a family, etc. and other friends, so if that was my only goal, I would never have brought it up. I did think it was very pertinent to operating in the bdsm world.

I mean, he appeared to be nice, he did. Maybe he is totally legit. But a request like this, that I am not allowed basic ID info, is just a little too "hard-core" an expectation for me to swalllow from the get-go. I do go a lot on "gut intuition" and stuff like that, too, and I did think he appeared to be real nice. Anyway, thanks for the ear. I mean, there just aren't a lott a people in my daily life I can go to with this stuff - know what I mean?

Every bit of feed-back I got was valuable to me. And also helpful in some way. That is what these forums are for (for me anyway, sometimes), and they have been an awesome source of information about bdsm. I do think they are valuable.

There are probably a lot of folks out there that could have something like this happen, and just not be sure what to do. That is really the only reason I even brought it up; it was such a close judgment call for me that it scared me after I really thought about it. And I started thinking...Hey - I can't be the only one who's had this happen - and if that's true, then I'm sure as hell not the only one who's ever gonna have this happen, and maybe saying something about it would benefit somebody.

Plus yeah, I was sort of hurt by it, that it happened at all. I didn't mean to appear over-react (that would be stupid). I also can take objective commentary (really) and take it that anyone who wrote in did have their heart in the right place. I just had a down couple of days, and was disappointed (I'm human). But, I'm over it. Everything is gonna be fine for me, and thanks very much for the support.

You people rock!

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/10/2007 9:55:28 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 9:16:39 AM

Posts: 28
Joined: 11/19/2006
Status: offline

i have a suggestion...did you try to do a reverse look up on his phone number
it can be done on the computer...
and if it is there it will give you name and address....

(in reply to agirl)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 9:18:53 AM

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

That only works when the phone number is published, if it is a landline. If it is a cell phone it is much more difficult.

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to auniquegift)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 9:49:04 AM

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Those are good suggestions. They are (I tried it came up w/nothing already, but all I have is a cell number).

It is worth mentioning here, maybe that as a female (for protection reasons, and I also found it weirdly comforting to have there), I still had my dead husband's voice on my answering machine message for at least a year after he passed. That did kinda throw a Dominant who called me, one time. I've since taken it off, so he possibly could at one time, have said something similar about me - (however, I have death certificate to prove I am not married, etc. I offered that, and also an STD test. Plus my land-line phone and street address. he is able to thoroughly "check me out" and for all I know, he's done it.

I took his voice off the machine, and just now have my own voice there, but I guess those kinds of things can be quirky, so snap judgments about people are possibly not a good thing, in all cases. I also don't let anybody publish my name in a public place along w/my address or my phone, if it lists me as a single female anymore - or really at all, ever (rare exceptions, and it is situational). I stopped doing that last year, after that guy followed me from the bdsm play house, on the advice of the police.

To be fair, these things can indeed be viewed from both sides. However, I was planning on taking with me, and have already offered to him, my basic ID infom plus an STD test. He has not. That really is my bottom line, but maybe we could exchange it at the airport or something like that. If he is even speaking to me. I was so angry I just flew off the handle when he balked - because I didn't expect it - at all. As a "power-play" move, I found it a wee bit "hard-core" out of the starting gate. But, if he has a reasonable alternative suggestion here (that still gets me the same basic ID) maybe I'd listen.

I got a meeting to attend, but thanks for the ear, and I'll see ya'll later and hope everyone has a good Saturday.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/10/2007 10:06:30 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to angelic)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 10:04:59 AM

Posts: 78
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline

susan, All I want to say to you is please be safe in every decision you make be it in your vanilla or lifestyle life. I read several times how someone brought up the name John E Robinson. I had seen a website a few years ago that was in memory to the victims that trusted that man. I looked for and found it and want to share it with you Susan and others here. It has haunting music to it and i cried many times while i read it. I hope it can give you Susan and others here some pause for thought.

http://www.silencednolonger.net/

Be well and be safe
rollin

(in reply to sublizzie)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 10:31:56 AM

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I do hope "newbie" person reads this and realizes this kind a thing can happen even to somone who has already had one bdsm relationship. I viewed it as sort of one of those "sitautional judgment calls" and I decided to err on the side of caution, that's all. I saw a tv astory on the John Robinson thing, too. My point sn't that this guy is just like him, btw, but that I have no way of knowing, and he could be. He should know that, too, IMO. Anyway, I appreciated all of the comments. Hope ya'll have a great day!

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/10/2007 10:36:14 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to SusanofO)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 10:41:49 AM

sabis

Posts: 136
Joined: 6/29/2005
From: Midwest, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rollinonward05
http://www.silencednolonger.net/

(Derail) Whomever did the site design on that 'tribute' full of stolen artwork and tacky backgrounds should have their hand slapped and be sent to mandatory Dreamweaver classes. (/derail)

~sabis

(in reply to rollinonward05)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 11:17:28 AM

Posts: 4595
Joined: 2/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sabis

quote:

ORIGINAL: rollinonward05
http://www.silencednolonger.net/

(Derail) Whomever did the site design on that 'tribute' full of stolen artwork and tacky backgrounds should have their hand slapped and be sent to mandatory Dreamweaver classes. (/derail)

~sabis

ROFLMAO

_____________________________

Linea, collarded pet of the evil Sir Max & his lovely & equally evil wife

it's no fun unless you're scared

if you can't be brave, be determined & you'll get to the same place

wannabe member of the subbi mafia

(in reply to sabis)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 11:45:27 AM

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

never mind.

< Message edited by ownedgirlie -- 3/10/2007 11:56:35 AM >

(in reply to SusanofO)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 11:48:39 AM

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

ok, i AINT gonna go thru all this.

But, certainly anyone can ask or say anything here---

There is no TOS that says everybody gotta hook arms and sing kumbaya.......

Think about it, you got time...

Ganash

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 12:53:39 PM

Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline

kumbaya my Lord kumbaya
oh Lord kumbaya

(in reply to mnottertail)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 2:15:39 PM

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

I've had an idea to play a little match maker.

Perhaps susan can swap her plan ticket for one going to NJ to meet our friend who started this thread:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_790885/tm.htm

I think they'd make a nice couple!

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to liljoy)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 3:00:04 PM

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I hope this thread has perhaps been helpful to someone besides me. And it has been very helpful to me.

LA: Actually he did indeed offer to buy me my plane ticket. I wanted to buy it, because if things for some reason didn't go well, I didn't want to feel "obligated" (I know myself too well, that way), which is why I also insisted on paying for the hotel room. He also advised me to change my regular (Microsoftword) e-mail address, as it lists my last name. That is a good idea, too.

Yes, if he sent you an e-mail and told you these things, they are true. I was not trying to damage anyone's rep here, and I am still not broadcasting this guy's name (and am sure LA wouldn't do that either). I have a heart, he could be legit, and maybe am am completely wrong here. It just feels weird to me. He has a right to do what he wants.

He already knows that my bottom-line is that I need ID I can check out, like a street address and a last name. He's known that for awhile. If he isn't willing to give me that, I don't see him. It's not mean, it's not heartless, it's just the rules I have for myself, and it's also pretty standard "before meeting" protocol in the bdsm world. He can't produce it, I don't go. That simple. I am sure there is someone out there who is willing to let it go. That person is not me. I will try to see if there is some way I can maybe work this out, maybe it will. Far as I can tell, though, the ball is in his court.,as far as producing verifiable info.

LA: I'll e-mail you asap, (by tommorrow eve) and let you know for sure what's happening. And thanks for the kind offer of hospitality. Very sweet, and appreciated.

I'm not gonna go on and on about this (even though I already have). I am done talking about it (maybe hard to believe, but true, he).Thanks for listening. I really felt a need to bounce this off of someone. As for those who honestly believe I "have too much weird stuff happen in my life" etc. You are, IMO, full of baloney (other people have "stuff happen" all the time, and maybe more often, in fact, and how do you know it doesn't), but - you are certainly entitled to your opinion.

Fact is - the ability and to have someplace to be able to ask this kind of question is just a big part of what these CM forums are for. It is a big part of the reason they exist, IMO. The bdsm world is full of situations where a judgment needs to be made, and since it is many times a new situation for someone, they may not be sure what to do, or how to handle it.

Also, you're obviously interested in some aspect of it, or you'd not be reading it. So yeah - while I did appreciate reading all of the opinions, and really, really appreciated the obvious kind support and sincere objective comments (even if a bit critical) I got - anyone who would actually say: "Golly, she has no right to ask this question, it's all just "too much" etc. - that's absolute BULLSHIT, IMO - regardless of whether anyone's opinion is that I was too naive here (I agree, in retrospect, maybe I was) or not.

Say things like that enough times, alienate enough people with responses like that, and some newbie (or anyone, for that matter) really IS maybe gonna get themsleves killed walking right into a situation like this, or something similar, where somebody does have sinister motives.

Wow, that's real responsible behavior, especially coming from so-called denizens of such apparently trouble-free, and prisitine, bdsm-oriented lives. It sure as hell ain't gonna matter whether something was "all their own fault" or some other such small-minded, idiotic sentiment, if someone ends up injured in a way not-intended, or worse, - ends up dead. Is It? No.

I certainly don't care what anyone's opinion of me is, about my "right to post". But - you might consider that assinine sentiments such as these, really do perhaps affect someone else who may be reading this, or these CM boards generally, and who now may hesitate to ask what they should do in a particular situation where they really could end up injured, hurt or maybe just need a sane opinion, about what to do in a particular situation. Which is, IMO, part of the entire reason this message boards exist.

Anyway, I did appreciate the opinions, and the support, and just posting the question really allowed me to think the situation through for myself.

I needed to be able to do that, and to bounce this situation off people who had actually perhaps been faced with soemthing similar, or else had an opinions about it. And I got plenty of valuable feed-back, objective as well as supportive, or both, and it was very helpful.

Thanks for that. Very much.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/10/2007 3:56:22 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to happypervert)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 3:30:41 PM

Posts: 1736
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline

Susan I'm glad you had a place to post this. People need to be able to get support now & then.
Sometimes even when we know an answer within ourselves it is still helpful to get other view points.

_____________________________

*Unless I cite a source it is MO.

~ ssssh. i think i've just found freedom. ~

(in reply to SusanofO)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 4:07:51 PM

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Thanks. I'm fine. I appreciated the support and comments I got. It's true, IMO - it's what these message boards are for, a lot of the time. What about somebody who honestly is brand new (and even if they're not?) What are they supposed to do? Who are they suppose to ask? Where are they supposed to go?

Unfortunately, some folks make it their mission to make it abundantly clear they don't consider them to be sensible, legitimate questions or issues (whatever the hell that means) so these folks probably (or at least maybe) won't feel comfortable asking those kinds of questions on these CM forums. I am not really even referring to this particular thread, I see that kind of crap frequently, at CM. IMO, bottom-line: It's not particularly productive.

Regardless of the fact that it is a big part of the reason they exist (otherwise there would not be message boards, just profiles here, probably, if it was strictly a "dating" site)- which I'd think would be obvious to most folks.

I'll never feel uncomfortable asking, when-if I have a questions. At least not enough to altogether stop (probably). Because I consider them to be legitimate questions. Plus, I just don't really care what people like this think of me personally. But - I do think there are probably many folks out there who read a nasty response or two, and figure:

"Oh, what the hell, I won't bother to check out the possible good advice I could get, it's just not worth the possible risk to me, and I don't want to make a potential fool out of myself. Look at all of the bitchy responses that last person got, when I read that thread last night, etc. So, I'll just go ahead and do whatever risky thing I may have been considering. (Or not)."

Hmmm. To me, that seems kind of a shame, to have that happen. Seems even sadder to have it maybe prompted by folks who insinuate they are denizens of bdsm-responsible behavior, and stable relationships, apparently. Seems like they'd have so much good advice to offer, if that were true - too bad they apparently want to be so stingy with it.

Anyway, I received a LOT of help, support and appreciated it all, from supportive to objective and even critical (w/an exception or two). Much appreciated. Thanks to all.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/10/2007 5:04:37 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to cjenny)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 4:09:52 PM

Posts: 1736
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline

It is good that you're not going to stop asking. I, on the other hand have totally wimped out aside from the occasional post lol.

_____________________________

*Unless I cite a source it is MO.

~ ssssh. i think i've just found freedom. ~

(in reply to SusanofO)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 4:59:25 PM

Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline

Okay, I've gotten through most of the eleven pages,read most of the posts, but I'm still wondering something....

What's the point of NOT giving Susan his name 2 days out? Once she got there, he was gonna have to tell her his name, right? I don't understand what 2 days would have changed, I know I'm ignorant on these things, having only my Husband as a Master, but I just don't see the point behind it.

`dancer

_____________________________

* Shimmy Shimmy *

(in reply to cjenny)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 5:05:30 PM

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

What's the point of NOT giving Susan his name 2 days out?

I think he used the excuse of not disclosing his information to force a change of plans. It's all speculation.

I still think it's ridiculous that we have to give advice that consists of don't fly off to an unknown person without knowing their information. To me it's common sense. When did the lifestyle become an excuse to abandon common sense? To me that is the larger issue.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to desertdancer)

RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable... - 3/10/2007 5:22:20 PM

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Well I know Katy, but I was confused and hurt and wanted to talk about it to somebody. Truth be told, I spend so much time on the message boards, I don't have a lot of on-line folks I just e-mail here. I have a few, and I did talk to one of them on the phone. I was just kind of in emotional shock, when I realized that this guy wasn't gonna come through for me. Because it seemed like he would, and also he seemed like he could have been right for me in a lot of ways.

I also really did think to myself: Geez, I can't be the only person this has happened to. Fact is - I really wanted to like this guy, and he gave me abundant reasons to like him. It was kind of stupid, I agree, in retrospect - but there were so many, many other things that were right about this, same age (or close to it), common interests (apparently), appeared to be sane, intelligent, had had several stable, long-term bdsm relationships, appeared to have lots of bdsm experience - that by the time I'd talked too him for 2-1/2 months, it almost seemed like a minor, almost irrelevant detail to even be concerned about not getting verifiable ID. He was that nice and also very "approachable".

But - thank God for the little voice inside my head, that, at the very end, just said: STOP. I know your heart is in the right place, too, Katy (I been reading your posts a long time. I wasn't referring to you, in case you were wondering). I just should never have let this happen. And he should not be expecting me to just "let it go" (I don't care what he thinks about the fact I think this, either).

I hear of people all the time that meet eachother locally, and have played without getting much (or any, sometimes) verifiable ID upfront. And they're not dead. So it isn't always a guarantee you're dealing with a serial-killer. But, I don't think it's particularly prudent. Maybe not unheard of, or even uncommon, but still not prudent. Especially, IMO, if meeting somebody out of state, in a town where you know otherwise nobody (which I don't), IMO (I mean, LA is in Austin, but that's still a whole different city, just close-by).

If I can become this mesmerized by somebody, I'd figure there is someone else out there who could be "this close" to doing the same thing, and with God-knows-what results. So I figured it might be good to post about it. Maybe they'll think twice.

I'm not stupid (naive, probably) - and next time, I am doing what Mercnbeth suggested, and if it's a potential LDR, I am asking for ID after 2 weeks, whether we are meeting soon, or not, and hopefully will meet soon after. What I was was incredibly attracted amd mesmerized. And human. I needed a sounding board. Which I got. Thanks to everyone here. I did appreciate it, I really did.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/10/2007 5:37:33 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to KatyLied)

Page: << < prev 8 9 10 [11] 12 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: Please help me - Re: Non-disclosure; understandable? Or manipulation?

Page: << < prev 8 9 10 [11] 12 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.641