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SusanofO -> RE: CIAW (3/11/2007 4:47:29 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SusanofO
You are so brave cloudboy. I am reading the rest of the article now. Back in a few.[:)]
Okay, I'm back. I mostly agree with the author of the answer to the question, and the rest of the statement. But I'll add that I think if two married people can work out an arrangement, then I think what works for them is fine. I can't imagine why it wouldn't be, simply because I mostly consider a lot of that stuff just none of my business. How other people run their love or family lives, unless it directly affects me , is not anything I really get on a soap box about.
If children are involved, then of course they might want to be more careful how the arrangment is presented, and consider it might be difficult to put up a unified "front" as far as agreeing on discipline, etc (I think maybe this is important as far as giving kids a sense of consistency, but I also see kids who don't get this to the hilt that are surviving okay. I think the love and basic sanity of the parents are more influential as far as that stuff goes. I really do.)
I cheated on my husband after 11 years of dwindling, to almost no, sexual interaction, and his refusal to try anything after one experiment with Viagra that ended w/him refusing to try anything else (like Cialis, etc). He left marriage counselling sessions after 2 months, claiming that since I was the one who was worried about no sex, I was the one who should learn how to deal with the "problem".
Yes, I had an affair that lasted well over a year with someone who (initially) made me feel like a whole new part of life had re-opened for me. I felt appreciated, affirmed, and once again like a sexual and renewed, whole human being. I don't regret doing it.
After awhile, I told myself I felt guilty about it, but think that was mostly due to my Catholic upbringing, and I also wondered whether I was stiill actually interested in the man I was seeing. I don't think my husband cared much, or would have been "devastated" had he found out. In fact, I think he strongly suspected it. I'd already let him know that my having an affair was a possible consequence of not trying to put more of himself into the marriage and a sexual relationship. I think even then saying he'd care if I did, was mostly just his love of adhering to social convention talking, more than how he felt about me (and that is not a rationalization, it is how I honestly perceived the situation).
This was after 5 years of "seriously" talking "things" like this over about every 6 months, and us both saying things would get better, and vowing (especially on his part) to act a lot more caring in general (which he was defintely capable of doing, when he wanted to do it). But, I'concluded he was actually asexual, after several years. The situation for several years made me feel incredibly rejected, and after awhile I just got weary of it. After awhile, I simply just angry, instead. One of the main things that helped keep both of us there was not wanting to be ostracized by our ultra-Catholic families.
Even though other parts of our life were not disastrous, and some even pleasant, the communication could have been a lot better, and I concluded that we had some in common, but much less than I'd previously thought. We did maintain a basic civility, and did family stuff together, and made occasional efforts to do other things together we both found interesting (boating, music concerts). We did not absolutely hate eachother.
He just didn't apparently have the concern to do anything much about our sex life really (like take Cialis, or Levitra). And he also got really riled at the idea of a divorce. It would just be "hard to explain" to family, co-workers, etc. My family was strongly opposed to the idea of divorce as well. I would certainly not have been opposed to working out a situation where we'd both of been more open in pursuing our separate romantic interests, such as they were.
I am not sure he'd have been completely opposed to that, either - given how opposed he was to the idea of divorce. At the time, it reallly didn't occur to either of us a a serious option, simply because, I believe niether of us really knew anybody who operated along those lines, maybe. I decided I didn't have a problem with the idea of divorce - I still didn't like it, but I was not as opposed to it as he was, at first. After awhile, I wanted one and he did not. I didn't have to face having to actually leave (but was ready and willing to do it, and planning on it, had seen an attorney and discussed it).
*There is a man who lives in my neighborhood, whose wife has been institutionalized for the past 20 or so years. When he married her, he loved her so much, and still makes sure she is well taken care of. His heart must be breaking. She developed schizophrenia and he has her cared for in an insitituion that is very expensive and supposedly pretty well-managed. He is a local newspaper editor. He has not divorced her (I think this may have something to do with insurance coverage for her, as much as loving her still, but I am just not certain). I think if this guy is having extra-marital sex, who could ever really blame him? I have no idea if he is or isn't, and it's none of my business. I would just say it certainly would seem fine to me, if he did. And he has (mostly grown) children. If his children had to find out about this, maybe they'd understand it. Although he could probably find a way to just not let them know, I suppose if he wanted to try that.
In my situation, we had no children (and I can truly say that I now think that was a fortunate occurrence, but I can't say that if the situation had continued, I'd not have divorced him, kids or no kids.
- Susan
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