quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

Honestly, women generally do prefer a clothed picture. Naked men never did much for me regardless of what their bodies look like. Take a pic dressed nicely, looking like someone who takes pride in their appearance.

Um... er... uh... well you see... it is like this... um... some really.... nasty hacker... yes, a nasty hacker broke into my PC and sent all those pics to you. Yup, that's it!

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

PS people dont just grow apart...just like dogs rescued by the ASPCA dont just become skin and bones, although every owner when caught, will say the same tired diatribe about how "it just happened, it was unitentional...and the worst one....i did not notice he was starving" .

she has most likely been starving for many years and you cant see it all you see is that she is not fun and pretty anymore, and you now want a cute new puppy.

make no mistake you made the decision to not feed your marriage, you decided to stay angry or to not heal some past crap that created wounding, you made the decision to not invest in her, your home and your life.

investing in ones marriage is a choice.....and you simply chose not to...and are still choosing not to....but....you are saying we just grew apart as a way to completely absolve yourself from responsibility ....cheaters always say  this...just like abusive pet owners always say the above statements....too bad cheaters cant be fined and thrown in jail...

quote:

ORIGINAL: azjojoba

I noticed that almost all condemnation on this thread of cheating comes from the females. I guess some things never change. Can I assume that almost all females that have affairs with married men do so because they were deceived?

quote:

ORIGINAL: azjojoba

I noticed that almost all condemnation on this thread of cheating comes from the females. I guess some things never change. Can I assume that almost all females that have affairs with married men do so because they were deceived?

• He's not getting many, if any, hits on his profile.
  
  
• He finds that having his martial status as a large part of the problem is unacceptable.
  
  
• He seems to have ignored the suggestions for a facial shot with sunglasses and a hat, a well-dressed below-the-nose shot, etc.
  
  
• A few people have posted links to sites that could help the OP, but I can't find any trace of him thanking those people, stating that he's already tried to use those sites, or even voicing an intent to do so.
  
  
• The OP seems to be assuming that honesty and integrity only concern monogomy, and that the people most appalled by his search are mongomous. While many state that they are polyamorous, the OP doesn't seem to have a response to that fact.
  
  
• He is unwilling to work with another pro-domme to try to recreate the same thrill he finds with an unpaid Domme.

• Why did you marry someone who you consider to be vanilla?
  
  
• Does your wife know that a lack of kink in your relationship is a deal-breaker for you? If not, why not?
  
  
• Did your marriage vows include a promise to be faithful to your wife?
  
  
• Why, exactly, is being honest with your wife about changing your relationship with an open one -- ala some form of polyamory -- not acceptable to you?
  
  
• Why, exactly, is divorce not an option for you?
  
  
• Why don't you go back to the one FemmeDomme you claim to have played with?
  
  
• Have you and your wife sought counseling with regards to the sexual challenges in your relationship?

• As I believe that AquaticSub keeps recommending, the book When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt could be a wonderful conversation starter between the OP and his wife if he'd just give it a try. A possible opening monologue after she's read the book:
  
  "Honey, I know we talked about this months/years aqo, but it's not going away. I sought advice online, and it sounds as though attempting to spare you the heartache by not telling you would be worse than actually letting you know what I've been feeling. This is who I am. This is an orientation, like being straight. It's going to happen whether you engage in it with me or not, whether you approve or not, or whether you can stand to be married to me or not. I'm sorry, but I can't keep a lid on this anymore. I've tried and failed before. I've failed you, and I'm sorry. I'd love for this to be something we can share, but if not ... we've got to figure out something that will get us both to where we want to go in life whle doing the least amount of damage. If you want to talk to a counselor or a lawyer with me, just let me know. I love you, and I don't want to make things any worse between us."
  
  
• In What I know now about...LTRs by Dan Savage, one of the quotes that stuck the most firmly in my head was:
  
  4. Be his whore. Any and all sexual requests that don't involve shit, puke, blood, kids, or posing shirtless for "arty" photos must be cheerfully fulfilled. If your boyfriend is into something you simply can't get into, you have to give him permission to do it with someone else. If your boyfriend wants to spank someone and you don't want to be spanked, you can either give him permission to spank someone else or stew over the fact that he is, without a doubt, spanking your best friend.
  
  Granted, that goes both ways. And that's one of the dangers of being open and honest about other relationships: if you can do it, so can your partner.
  
  
• There's a wonderful book called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. I cannot recommend ths book highly enough to anyone who feels trapped in a relationship. It gives a series of questions (38?) to help people try to figure out if they're statistically better off deciding to stay and seriously work on the issues they're facing, or if it's most likely better to bow out gracefully and start fresh.
  
  
• My most geeky friend -- this woman reads medical abstracts and articles as a part of everyday health research -- swears by John Gottman, and recommended The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Gottman hooked a bunch of couples up to monitors in what's become known as the Seattle Love Lab and watched them go about as close to normal day as they could under the circumstances. He monitored their vitals to figure out what stimuli put them into fight-or-flight mode, and what stimuli mellowed them out. After observing hundreds if not thousands of couples, he wrote this book.
  
  
• Since the OP seems to have a bit of a chip on his shoulder about his age relative to a lot of the people responding, I'll also recommend David Schnarch's Passionate Marriage. The book is ginormous, and I wouldn't have finished it if it weren't for the case studies. However, Schnarch suggests that there's something magical about middle and old age, that if you're married or partnered with someone by then ... then that's the person you were meant to be with. There's a bit of woo-woo in the book, and an assumption that if you're under 40 you just won't get it. However, there's at least one approach that he uses in sessions that seems to be the real agent of change, so it might help the OP out a bit.

1. Yes, he's posted that he's asked his wife to dominate him, and that she said she wasn't interested
   
2. Yes, he's posted that he's seen at least one ProDomme, but when compared to the one non-pro he mentioned there was no comparison -- he wants the Domme to be there because she wants to be, not because he paid her.
   
   I don't think that the OP has considered that since ProDommes are in such high demand, one choosing him over another client is a form of her wanting to be there. It just may not be one that he's really quite familiar with.
   
   As the OP has accused most of the responders of being "prudes" because we do not support his unconsentual cheating behavior, I would like to suggest to the OP -- who also claims his age as a reason to dismiss some advice -- that perhaps the rules of multi-partner relationships have changed since he last checked. If he can't find anyone locally who is willing to deal with him on his terms, and he's not finding any support online, then maybe reconsidering his stance could be in order.
   
   I suspect that some of the new, accepted guildelines for getting a little (or a lot) on the side can be found in The Ethical Slut, also by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Lizst. This book is more about poly-fuckery than polyamory, but it does give insights into why people would choose this path, how to do so honestly and openly with all partners, tips on dealing with jealousy and the like.
   
   It also occured to me that the OP could be some sort of high-profile character in his area -- a District Attorney or some such -- and thus have a vested interest in keeping his wife in the dark about his desires for fear that she'll leave him and run screaming to the media. Problem is, if she finds out that he's been lying to her on top of that, she'll probably shout all the louder. It could be within the OPs best interests to try to come clean to his wife just to minimize the potential future damage, if not actually make an ally of her.
   
   (in reply to VelvetIronTouch)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mustardseed
It also occured to me that the OP could be some sort of high-profile character in his area -- a District Attorney or some such -- and thus have a vested interest in keeping his wife in the dark about his desires for fear that she'll leave him and run screaming to the media. Problem is, if she finds out that he's been lying to her on top of that, she'll probably shout all the louder. It could be within the OPs best interests to try to come clean to his wife just to minimize the potential future damage, if not actually make an ally of her.

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ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

To the ones on here asking to ask the wife if she would dominate you. What a joke. If she says no and the great majority would say no. Then what do you propose. Lets not forget that the wife is vanilla not into this lifestyle. To the op. There are women out there that dont care if your married.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

To the ones on here asking to ask the wife if she would dominate you. What a joke. If she says no and the great majority would say no. Then what do you propose. Lets not forget that the wife is vanilla not into this lifestyle. To the op. There are women out there that dont care if your married.

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ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

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ORIGINAL: azjojoba


I have come to the conclusion that most of the women posting here from Arizona are vanilla. Nothing wrong with that, it's just an observation. It may or may not be different in other states. Nothing wrong with being vanilla, and most of them say so in their profiles, so that's OK by me.

Just for My personal edification, could you please give Me your definition of "vanilla"?

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ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

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ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

quote:

ORIGINAL: azjojoba


I have come to the conclusion that most of the women posting here from Arizona are vanilla. Nothing wrong with that, it's just an observation. It may or may not be different in other states. Nothing wrong with being vanilla, and most of them say so in their profiles, so that's OK by me.

Just for My personal edification, could you please give Me your definition of "vanilla"?

Just wondering if the OP is ever going to come back and answer My question.  He has been here since I posted it, but I am being ignored.  *Sniff*